How to talk to son?

NoAlarms

Hi, long time lurker but could do with advice if that’s ok. My son’s biological father had nothing to do with him. I met someone else, got married and he adopted him. Beautiful.

My son got a bit drunk last summer and said he’d like to meet his biological Dad. Got very upset. I had no problem with that. To be expected. Asked him a few times if he was going to contact him but he dismissed it. I said I’d make contact if he wanted. It’s always about the child.

I just found out he died a few days ago. I’m in shock. My boy didn’t get the choice. I also found out this was expected. So many people knew.

Why couldn’t someone tell me so I could tell my son? I’m dreading telling him. He’s 19.

Beefcake82

Perhaps talk to biological dads family first, if that is something that is possible and you are comfortable with to find out what happened.

Once you have the facts sit down as a family and discuss what happened with your son and if the biological side of the family are open to meeting your son you could possibly bring that up depending how the chat with son goes.

There is no easy way to discuss this unfortunately but its likely better tell him sooner than later as his emotions might get better of him if he finds out you knew earlier and didn't say anything.

Maybe have a friend of his on stand by if he needs someone out of family to vent to and he can do it in a safe way.

SupaCat95

Be honest, dont lie or dampen it. Nothing is going to bring back his father. His father did not want to see him, the father had warning and chose not to settle his affairs. Make the best of a bad situation. See what assets are in the will. Pay for therapy early. Dont leave it simmer for years. Also your son had the option to pursue his father but he chose NOT too. Write it off as a learning experience. This is what happens when you put things on the long finger.

banie01

Honesty and gentle directness with your son is the way to broach it.

Regarding his biological dad and noone, including him sharing his prognosis prior to his passing. 2nd guessing why will only cause you stress and worry that you won't be able to resolve. It may be that he didn't want to let you & your son know, it may be a myriad of other reasons, none of which were in your control.

Your son has a lot of grief to come and all you can do is be there for him.

On the subject of what's to come, things such as attending the funeral, meeting the extended family, deciding if your son wants a relationship with them? Where were they for his 1st 19 years?

I am guessing that since you mentioned your husband adopted your son, that bio dad signed away parental rights? That can be hard enough to deal with, it is akin to a bereavement in itself and dealing with the death of his bio dad too will be rough.

Lean on your husband, family and friends for support and ensure your son knows he can too

SupaCat95

I doubt the biological family want anything to do with the young lad. If they did they would have clipped the biological father around the ear and told him to take care of business.

NoAlarms

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123498492#Comment_123498492

Thanks for your reply. The rest of his family aren’t available to me but your point about sooner rather than later hits home. Your point about a friend is good too, I’ve thought about that. He’s about to start a significant time in his life. I’m keen to protect him as I always have but this has knocked me sideways.

NoAlarms

@SupaCat95I like your direct comment about my son and his father. You sound like my mother! I mean that in a nice way. There will be no will, he drank everything he had. Not a penny for his son but the loveable rogue at the funeral!

Also your point, my son chose not to contact him. Very true. I’m feeling guilty they didn’t meet when it was actually not my fault. Lots to think about, thanks

Buffman

IMO there's nothing positive to be gained from delaying telling him the news, the longer you leave it the harder it'll be for all involved and potentially an issue if he then thinks you were deliberately hiding it.

I've had to deliver my fair share of bad news, it's best to be clear and direct. In the morning tell him you need to have a chat, sit down together and say you've got some sad news and tell him.

I understand your wish to protect him but he's a 19 year old adult so will hopefully appreciate you being direct and honest.

And also I wouldn't place too much emphasis on what people say when drunk.

SupaCat95

@noalarms yeah I am sorry. More conservative families are less likely to address illegitimate children. It is not your fault it is your former partners and to a lesser degree his familys responsibility to keep communication open.

Your son was drinking? He should learn about his familys history and predisposition to alcohol. Everyones says funerals are terrible, they are a way to connect with your family and cousins. Learn about family history and career networking.

Your son is an adult now treat him as such. "This was the way things were and this is how we employed a strategy to make the best of things". Whatever you do, do not get get caught in a lie. My mother is in the situation where a lie was told, a very serious one taking the name of a solicitor in vain. Now she is dying and nobody will talk to her.

NoAlarms

Thanks for the replies, I don’t want to keep quoting ye.

@buffman totally agree about the drunk thing. It was just the first time he brought it up. I agree about being direct but he’s away for college and due home once the lease is up so I have to keep it to myself for now.

@SupaCat95 it was one night he had a few drinks, he’s fine! He got an award in college lately, he enjoys himself but is also very disciplined , I’ll keep an eye. Interesting about illegitimate children though. I’d agree. Not a mention of him. Their loss. I’ll tell him soon, he’s off to Dublin to start a new job over the weekend, great timing!

Good feedback, thank you

taxAHcruel

I think most people have covered most things already in the thread so there is not much to add here really.

The only thing I can think to add is that now that your son has no way to meet their dad and explore that person and learn about them - it might be worth it for you to start considering ways you might facilitate a retrospective journey in that respect.

Perhaps your son might not want that. But be ready for it all the same. Are there ways you can offer your son to explore who the person was - where they came from - and what made them them? Pictures. Documents. People who knew him. Places. Music. Books. Life events. Anything that can build and flesh out a person in your son's mind that his father was overall and not just the person he ended up being that caused your separation.

Your son will never meet and get to know this person now. So the best you can offer is to help him build up a picture (if he wants to) about who this person was. At least to just let your son know this exploration is an option - one he does not have to undertake alone - and it is not just the case that this death has crashed down a shutter on that whole area of his parental history entirely.

Hannibal_Smith

I think when someone dies we all go through a bit of mental gymnastics about what we did or didn't do. I think it's the finality of death that brings it on and all options being taken from us. So any guilt or whatever you're feeling maybe natural, but it's not your fault. You raised a super kid by the sounds of it, that's where your responsibilities were focused. You had no control over the dad and how he chose to deal with your son. Not meeting may have been a blessing in disguise, you never know.

Maybe have a rethink about letting him know sooner though. Especially if the funeral hasn't happened yet. He's going to have his own upset and feelings about it. He might like the choice to go and if he misses that and knows you knew in time, that might not sit well with him.

eastie17

when telling him just make sure it’s clear you didn’t know until afterwards in case it’s misconstrued.

I would also tell him asap as his first question is very likely to be “when did it happen ?” Quickly followed by “when did you hear?” And “how did you hear?” If there’s a large time gap in the answers between the first and second questions then any anger is likely to be directed at you for it being perceived as keeping it from him

Big Bag of Chips

@NoAlarms I wouldn't be quite as harsh as SupaCat95 in my opinion. Your young lad is 19. I certainly wouldn't ever be saying to him "you chose not to go looking". He's 19!!! At 19 he certainly wasn't to know that time was running short to seek out his father. It's not something you think about as a young lad . It's not something you decide one day and set about doing the next. These things take adjusting to. Especially if there has been zero communication. The fear of being rejected again will be there. So he was understandably cautious. People make choices and decisions at the time they are ready for them and should never be pushed into something like this until they have gotten their head round it themselves. So please do not feel any guilt or transfer any of that attitude to your son. This is a tragic case that neither you nor your son could have foreseen. And is not of your making.

Your son will deal with this, it sounds like you and his dad are good supports to him. Allow him to be upset. Don't dismiss it as "this is what happens when you put things on the long finger" I know you wouldn't but feel it needs to be said! If you have contact with his family, or even friends then it might be worth putting your son in contact with them. He can hear stories, see photos. Nothing is going to bring him back, and you son will now have to deal with that loss but handled properly it will be ok.

You son is lucky to have you on his side.

SupaCat95

There is nothing really to do today except go out and buy a black suit and formal shoes. Make contact with the family and ask about his role in the funeral. This is the crappy part. Is your son his next of kin? Will he be expected to give a Eulogy.

There is a major issue now where adulthood is not clearly defined. It used to be 18. I had a debate with a student. Could you be both a child and an adult legally at the same time? This is one day for this young man when responsibility is trust upon him. Then you are going to have this stupid jostling for placements with the undertaker. I have never understood this. Everyone tries to get their oar in. Will your son as next of kin be asked to make these decision. You may need to be present for this.

DellyBelly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123498518#Comment_123498518

This 100%...maybe just tell him that his father now doesn't want to see him....leave it at that

Big Bag of Chips

@SupaCat95 I'm not sure if you're trolling this thread or not, but why you think a 19 year old would be expected to give a eulogy at a funeral of a person he has never met is beyond me. I'd ask you to read the forum charter of Personal Issues. It is a very heavily moderated forum due to the sensitive nature of the posts here. You are asked to contribute mature, constructive, sensible advice. So far your posts here are falling short of that.

Do not respond to moderator instruction on thread.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123499681#Comment_123499681

Please don't lie to your son @NoAlarms. He's going to find out at some point. It's better that you are the constant honest support that he can rely on. There is absolutely no reason to make up a hurtful lie. The truth may upset him, but it's a truth he can process and deal with.

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123499681#Comment_123499681

Seriously bad idea. Nothing good comes later on from hiding the truth or being party to a lie (being in a room when a lie is being told and saying nothing). If often refer people to King David in the Bible, "Step up and Own it". People will judge you harshly and fairly but you never hid the truth or told a lie. The truth always comes out in the end. I am dealing with a very stupid person who "prayed" everything away and now she is stuck in a nursing home with nobody to talk to, not because she told a lie but she was a party to a lie.

banie01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123499661#Comment_123499661

The OP mentioned in their opening post that their husband has adopted her son. That means the biological dad extinguished parental rights and as such, no, her son isn't next of kin.

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123499736#Comment_123499736

I am not entire au fait with the adoption process legally. So the son has no rights at all? That is mad that someone else can sign away your rights.

Tombo2001

Interesting discussion and very difficult position for OP.

To step back here - what matters is the mental health of you, your son, your partner. You dont want anyone to go into a spiral over this, least of all yourself.

If it was me - yes tell him (your son), help him process it, but I wouldnt think he needs it explained to him or to be lectured about it. For example, the point about 'learning a lesson about putting things on the long finger' - this isnt a leaky roof we are talking about, and one thing he does not need to be told or have implied here is 'this is your own fault' (e.g. that you never got to meet him).

It could be for the best that they never met, who knows.

The other thing - you have years to discuss this with your son, you wont and cant cover all bases day one.

What you could also do is maybe organise something for yourselves, a weekend away somewhere, something nice to look forward to, to spend time together, maybe talk about it or maybe not.

I feel for you, you didnt bring on any of this. We all have tough situations to deal with in life and right now this is yours.

NoAlarms

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it. Certainly a lot of food for thought For context, I only found out about his death by accident. I was looking up someone else on RIP and saw his name. I was shocked. By the time I saw it the funeral was over so that decision was taken out of my hands.

I have always answered any questions he has asked and will continue to do so. With regards to the point about him choosing not to make contact up to his point, I suppose that reassured me. Not that he didn’t but rather that it was not me who stopped him. No matter my feelings, I always put them aside and told him I would support him. I think that’s very important. I hate parents stopping kids seeing their other parent because of their own personal feelings. I have no guilt in that regard.

I will certainly make sure my son does not have any guilt either. The points you made BigBagofChips are very important. This was going to be a slow process and he would have thought he had plenty of time. I’m a lot older than 19 and I thought he did! His father died way too young. It will be important to stress it is not his fault for not making contact sooner. We didn’t know what was going on.

I’m going to ask him to come home next weekend to tell him. I just can’t drop this news and let him off to Dublin on his own. But I would like to do it as soon as possible. It will give me a bit of time to absorb it. I think I’m still in shock so apologies if I don’t make sense at times!

The comment about it maybe being a blessing in disguise is one I will hold on to. All my son has ever known is me and my husband. He was a baby when I split with my ex. He is turning in to a wonderful man so I will focus on that and we will support him in his grief. Thanks again.

NoAlarms

My apologies, I was typing my reply and my phone rang so I missed some posts above. I said in above post that the funeral was over but I agree that a eulogy would be totally inappropriate. Thank you for addressing this.

Lying to my son is not something I would consider, ever. That would destroy him, and our relationship.

As for adoption, it’s not just a case of stripping a parent of their rights. It is a long, intense process. You would want to be very committed to the child to undertake it. Our whole lives were examined. My husband had to do many interviews, get medical checks, Garda vetting, references, provide financial statements. They made sure our marriage was strong.

The biological father was very involved too. He had interviews with the social worker. He had to give consent. He could have said no and refused to sign forms but he didn’t. I actually respect him for that. He didn’t want to be a father but he didn’t deny my son the chance to be adopted by a man who loves him.

The child is obviously central to it all and very involved.

Lovely suggestion Tombo2001, and I reiterate, I will put huge focus on the fact that this is not my son’s fault for not making contact. His mental health is my priority. We could not have seen this coming. Well, maybe we could, but as Banie01 pointed out, the fact that nobody contacted me to let me know is outside of my control.

It’s quite a relief to write this down, I feel a lot better after sharing.