Mediation separation

jj84dub

Anyone got any past experiences from mediation just about to start it soon.ive to young kids together with my ex we separated a few months ago and things have gotten worse the problem is I put 100k deposit on the house and pay the mortgage but she wants me to move out and leave the family home and sell in a few years and go 50/50 but I've tried to talk to her out of decenty can she not give me more to set myself up again as everything I have went into the house but no you'll get what you deserve just horrible but because she's a woman I get the feeling I'm up against it she is bleeding me dry.shes got a pension I don't she didn't put a cent into the house I put everything I ever had.shes getting inheritance her words the last person I'd give money to is you.so I basically get the feeling I'm fucked and she knows it going to take me to the cleaners and finish me off.just looking for someone that might of been in the same situation and the outcome thanks in advance.

Dumb Juan

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your separation. My own circumstance is we did couples counselling, it failed. We tried legal mediation and it failed. We have now solicitors about one year but have not done settlement talks. So my divorce journey is only half way through, at best :-) . So I have not been to court yet.

I found the mediator to be fair, you don't always get the support you like from it but then fairness means you should not.

My advice is as follows:

If you have your own bedroom in the house, don't move out, if it is safe for you to stay. Why? Moving out creates the new norm and judges may grant access to kids based on what you have done post separation and the new norm. At home also allows you as much access to your kids as you want. Start now for what you want in the future.

Keep your temper at all times.

Don't drink alcohol or use drugs at home.

Don't give her ammunition that she can use against you later in court, be mindful & polite.

Continue to pay the mortgage and pay for your kids. Not paying for the kids will look bad for you. Not paying the mortgage endangers your largest asset. You maybe entitled to half of all martial assets, which includes her pension. Proper provision means, the kids have a home until 18/ 23 (in full time education), that you have a home & she has a home.That you & your wife have an income to live on. That the kids are provided for.

If she has pension, she must have an income. Therefore gather all the financial information regarding both of yours income, spending, assets & loans. Also make sure you have all the data for at least year prior to the marriage breakdown.

Start to look for a solicitor now.

Get yourself a counsellor & look after your own happiness. Remember you are separating to be happier.

Go find a blank affidavit of means, get a template of expenses (Schedule 4) and start to keep a record of your spending that matches the template.Keep all the receipts for your kids, keep all financial statements (banks, credit cards etc.)

Don't obsess about what you have spent on the house, that is in the past.

Reestablish connections with friends and family, you will need their support but also their friendship and distraction from your current trauma.

Try to enjoy times with your kids and remember you have survived a 100% of everything so far.

I wish you all the best

Xterminator

Hi OP

Your bitterness is palpable. That does not bode well for your 'young kids' who after all are the 100% innocent party here.

So let me just present you with a couple of alternative points of view.

1. This is the woman you picked to marry and have children with. I say this because you are saying she is a bad person, and i wanted to make the point this is someone YOU picked.

2. When she was out of work having your children you were (probably) working away. So it makes complete sense you would have more financial input into the house than she did. Having children is a contribution to the family, just not a monetary one. I say this because you don't really acknowledge this is your rant. IE her contribution may be more than monetary. I don't know the specifics but a woman who takes time out of their career to have children make certain sacrifices that both affect not only weekly income but future pay rises and promotion chances etc. I say this as a married man.

These i present as counterpoints to your paragraph above to hopefully get you to at least try to consider that there are 2 sides to each story and if you at least understand her point of view, then you can better deal with your anger, and perhaps this will lead to better outcome in mediation, and more importantly for your children.

So echo earlier advice, do get legal advice. Protect yourself by getting as much information & evidence about family finances as you can.

Behave in a manner that will reflect the kind of parent you want to be. Don't retaliate to any perceived provocation. 2 wrongs are still wrong, they don't cancel each other out. This also can protect you later in the legal process.

Bear in mind the children and that the best outcome here will be one that least negatively affects them. That is the desired outcome. Not getting your 'fair' share, if that leaves the children less well off.

best of luck, and i suggest you try to find a way to deal with any negative feelings. Seeing a councilor or channel trough hobbies - what ever works for you.

sbs2010

Mediator will look at income + savings vs outgoings and what potential there is to run a second home for the one who moves out.

I don't think what one put in to the pot vs what the other did in years past comes in to it.

Mediator for me was even handed but as soon as one party decides they want substantially more than the other can afford to give then it gets messy.

If one goes to solicitor then the other has to as well.

When that happens you have to hope the other side hasn't found a solicitor who enables them to go for "more".

Ultimately a judge will decide - either on a mediated settlement or solicitors wrangling.

So try Mediation and if everything is getting skewed towards her, keep banging the point that you're not getting a fair deal.

And if it goes to solicitors make sure you get a good one.

sbs2010

Just on fair share comment by poster above me - what's best for kids is not always mother getting the house and loads of cash to run things as if nothing happened.

If the dad is in a **** 1 bed flat with no money or back with his own parents, that's not good for the kids in any way.

Rolling over and letting her take everything "for the sake of the kids" is a disastrous message for the kids to learn and makes his relationship with them very difficult to maintain properly

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123343856#Comment_123343856

In fairness I don't think rolling over for the sake of the kids is what that poster was suggesting, at all, I think it was more a reminder to keep the kids and their wellbeing front and centre at all times, especially when bitterness starts to creep in.

Xterminator

If the dad is in a **** 1 bed flat with no money or back with his own parents, that's not good for the kids in any way.

If the mom is in in a 1 bed flat with no money & no stable abode and the kids live with her, then that's even worse for the kids.

I told the OP to protect himself & get legal advice and to document things. I would not consider that rolling over. Did that part of the message escape your attention?

I did however point out some home truths - that the original post was bitter and skewed in OP's own viewpoint only, and did not seem to reflect that there is a need to look beyond hurt feelings. A mutually beneficial outcome will benefit the children, who are the innocent party. One parent (either parent) seeking to score a 'win' will not achieve that.

Not being able to move past bitterness will affect the children. And the OPs mental health. Reflection on that is advised. Rolling over is not. We are in agreement there.

CatLick

TBH OP mediation doesn't sound promising if the atmosphere is as you describe. In any case you ll know by the second session if it could work. It's worth a shot though as she 'll just use the lack of mediation to push out or adjourn a court date.

jj84dub

Yeah this is the woman I chose but she also chose to keep €2.5k of a joint mortgage rebate that I forgot that we were due after 5 years in our home then I called the bank and they said it was transferred two months previously and when I called her she can't remember and she would have to check and she checked and surprise surprise it was in her account and this is also when I was out working as you said but not one job not two jobs but 3 jobs to provide a comfortable warm home for my partner and our children.

AmberGold

Unfortunately there’s a financial disparity in your contribution vs hers to date.

Rest assured you will get 50% of whatever equity is in the home at some point.

On the basis you are married; If she gets inheritance before you are officially divorced you will receive half that as well. Lastly you are entitled to half her pension.

Dont get too stressed, with property appreciation this will take the sting out of the 100K originally invested.

Your ex seems particularly aggressive with her stance on her inheritance and she should really be offering you half under the circumstances of your initial investment in the family home. Surprise, surprise this isn’t happening.

tjhook

I don't believe it's guaranteed that anybody will get 50% of anything - the family home or pension. Each case is looked at individually, taking into account future earning potential. The law is that "adequate provision" has to be made for the spouses and dependent family members, and it's up to the judge as to how that is made real.

As a general example, a spouse who has always been a stay-at-home parent would be quite likely to get more than 50% of the equity in the family home, due to their reduced ability to purchase in the future. Likewise for pensions, if one spouse has a pension fund and the other not, would very likely mean that the pension gets split in some fashion. It could be 50/50, but not necessarily.

I don't believe an inheritance (especially during or after the process) is considered part of the pot to be split. However, if one party already has an inheritance, it could impact for example whether (or how much) spousal support is required from the other party. Future inheritances are not considered at all (they're not guaranteed to materialise).

As the man, you're on the back-foot from the start, but if you have good representation and aren't too unlucky with the judge, things won't be as bad as you fear.

I'm not a professional, this is just my understanding. A good solicitor will give you the low-down.

BronsonTB

Unless you are both on good terms & BOTH wanting to get agreement without going to court, then forget mediation altogether, it just delays drags & delays the whole process & is not binding even if anything was agreed (I did it & took over 10 years to get it sorted but only when finally in a court room).

Do NOT move out, at all.

Get a good family based solicitor, take their advice & guidance & go to court to get anything agreed legally binding.

Good luck with it all…