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latteii

Del

pjdarcy

I would say that yes, men do forgive differently than women and are generally quicker to draw a line under something and move on. If he's considerably bigger/stronger than you then he would easily forgive your violence towards him as he would know that he could overpower/restrain you if needed. However, he might be concerned about your temper if you ever decide to have kids together. It sounds to me like you haven't processed your father's violence towards you and some counselling might be a good idea for you.

latteii

Del

pjdarcy

You're not a bad person OP. The fact that you're feeling so guilty about, what was probably a fairly minor incident in a man's eyes, proves this.

I think you need to discuss this more with him and maybe show him your post here on boards so that he can fully understand how much you're struggling with this.

If that doesn't help, you will need to employ a third party to facilitate the conversation and help you both work through your anger issues, otherwise you're going to struggle to move past it as a couple.

Harika

To answer the last one, everyone is different. Some people forgive easily, others never. I once read a book, that sees forgiving a bit different and splits into forgiving and forgetting what helps to categorize incidents. Forgiveness is for your healing and how to deal with the incident. By forgiving you free yourself of the negative emotion. Forgetting is actually forgetting and erasing it from your memory. Both can be easy or difficult to achieve. Forgiving can take a lot of energy and as we have a brain we cannot simply forget it.

e.g for me how I define those
You can forgive someone and forget that it happened.- For me the standard setting, as I don't want to be bothered too much about things of the past. My partner leaves the milk out and it goes bad. Yeah bad, worth remembering?

You can forgive someone and never forget what has happened.

• Someone makes and error grave enough, then apologizes. Can be forgiven, maybe want to remember.

You dont forgive someone and forget that it happened

• Bad thing as this will surface sooner than later

You dont forgive someone and dont forget that it happened

• Someone cheats at or betrays you, wont be forgiven or forgotten.

As was already stated, counselling is a very good idea to resolve the issue at least for yourself as it is nagging away on you and consumes your time, energy and strength.

NattyO

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123076945#Comment_123076945

Great advice above.

Without going too much into stereotypes, men generally make a decision about something and then move on, women, not so much.

I'd imagine that your partner thinks about this considerably less than you do, and has moved on from it.
My advice would be to forget about it, but try to keep your temper in check. We all lose it sometimes, but how we act when we do is the critical thing.

latteii

Alt

pjdarcy

The cushion is not an issue at all. If my partner hit me with a cushion I would laugh and turn it into a pillow fight. Although the neck grabbing is more serious it is nowhere near enough to warrant ending the relationship, but it would definitely result in a serious conversation to get to the root cause of the outburst. Do you have abandonment issues OP? Is that what caused you to lash out when he had to travel away for work?

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058390195/male-advice-needed-on-forgiveness

Do women forgive things differently to men?

No. There's no hard and fast rule.

You should take all the above to a therapist and tease out so you can get to s place where you've dealt with everything. There's a lot there, you don't need to be too ashamed about it, but yiu should deal with it appropriately, in my view.

latteii

Dele

latteii

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pjdarcy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123077134#Comment_123077134

Ok, that makes sense. Loneliness if very hard and it can be difficult to make new friends as an adult so I can understand you getting angry and lashing out when faced with the prospect of being left alone again.

You're going to have to make an effort to rectify this OP. You need a support network and it's important to have your own friends outside of the relationship so you can have the odd girl's night out and also to be able to cope when your partner is away from home.

Hoboo

If anything your partner found it cute 🙂.

From experience, you’ve done nothing! I’ve had a full wine bottle smashed over my head and then be told it didn’t happen.

It probably feels like much more because if you think what you did is so terribly wrong then you have a strong moral compass and it’s something to be proud of.

I think you need to tell your dad what you’re feeling and thinking, and you also need to understand what was happening in his life that day which caused him to loose control and grab his daughter by the neck. No excuses, but try looking at it from your adult side rather than your younger side and get the full picture of that day. I’m sure it’s eating him alive but he doesn’t know how to approach it because of his own shame. That would break any dad’s heart. It will also give him a chance to apologise and forgive himself!!

You sound like a pretty level headed and emotionally intelligent person, I reckon you could instigate two honest conversations with the lads and end up with two solid relationships by the end.

Its all very fixable 😃

pjdarcy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123077202#Comment_123077202

A full wine bottle?!! I hope I'm not victim blaming but what did you do to deserve that??

latteii

Del

Hoboo

Sounds like professional advice may be the only way so, best of luck with it, I hope you find a resolution and peace.

Hoboo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123077214#Comment_123077214

Went out with someone who turned into a monster with too much vodka or wine 🤷‍♂️

I don’t consider asking any question victim blaming, I’m more old school 👍

pjdarcy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123077275#Comment_123077275

Fair enough. I'm glad you got out of that relationship!

pjdarcy

You mentioned that you felt great after therapy last year OP. You have a stressful year ahead of you with the wedding planning and this anger issue is clearly causing you some anxiety, so you should consider going back.

I know therapy is expensive and with the wedding coming up it might be hard to find the extra cash to pay for it but it's as plain as day that you need it for your mental health.

Good luck with everything. I hope you manage to work through this.

Larbre34

Irrespective of alcohol, or prior trauma, I think I can say that few men would punish themselves to the level you are punishing yourself, for a similar incident.

You don't deserve to feel as you feel. Its clear your contrition is sincere and absolute.

And so you need to forgive YOURSELF.

My recommendation would be some counselling for yourself initially, to begin to unpack some of this and aid your perspective.

And then maybe some couples counselling to help you both understand and move on.

Good luck to you.

latteii

Del

latteii

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1percent

You are straight up projecting onto him. You do not trust the words he says, that he forgives you. can i ask is there other incidents like this? Typlicly to do with how he feels, both emotionay, (happy, sad, ok) and physically (warm, hungry, tierd). How often do you reply to his answers to your questions with "Are you sure?". This is a trust issue for you and you should seek counseling on a regular basis.

If ye are living together and engaged he loves you and trusts you, you said you feel remorse for your action and he trusts you so for him this is a closed issue. He has moved onto thinking about literally anything else.

Typically men do think diferattly, we have a problem→solution mindset in our relationships, identify the problem, apply the solution, if it worked, great move on, if not try new solution. Think of all the times you have wanted to talk to him about a prblem you are having in life and you just wanted to vent and talk to him abot it, and he started giving you all the ways you can fix your problem that you dont want.

This the same thing, problem: you got emotional and agresive, solution: you say you are remorseful, did it work? Yes. Move on with life.

This is only my feeling on the subject seek out counseling and go regularly, it sounds like you have underlying issues that need to be addressed, trust me on this he will be happier for it too beccause it will allow ye both to communicate better.

csirl

Most men will quickly forgive something like that if it is an isolated incident caused by an emotional situation. He may even have largely forgotten about it by now. He's obviiously happy to continue in the relationship so he's forgiven you and/or doesnt see it as a big deal. Be careful about continuing to dwell on something he does not think is a problem...... your dwelling may become a problem in its own right.

pjdarcy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123077353#Comment_123077353

It all depends on the context really. I was slapped by a young lady once when I was in college as I asked her if I could sleep at her place. I wasn't trying to sleep with her, I had just missed the last train home and I was just hoping to sleep on her floor or couch.

In all seriousness though, a punch or a particularly hard/vicious slap is definitely assault, and that's a deal breaker for me. Your "assault" doesn't even qualify as assault in my book. It was a minor infraction that you pulled back from as soon as you realised what you were doing. No one got physically hurt in your case so I reckon it's definitely something you can get past as a couple.

jamieon

Alarm bells ringing, id be out the door 100%. Not worth the hassle tbh