Domestic Abuse in Same-sex Relationships

JupiterKid

An issue many of us LGBT+ have faced over the course of our lives is that of domestic or intimate partner abuse.

It's something many of us are deeply reluctant to talk about as we have fought so very hard over many decades for the right to have our love and relationships recognised, accepted and validated by wider society, so admitting that all is not rosy in the garden seems like an admission of failure or even betrayal of all that we have been fighting for.

It is estimated in the limited research carried out to date that between 25 to 30 per cent of gay male relationships are abusive - involving physical abuse, psychological/emotional abuse, coercive control and sexual abuse/rape. The figures for lesbian relationships are even higher - up to 40 percent.

These figures are shocking and sad - but they also reflect the fact that abuse happens in same-sex relationships too, not just the widely recognised narrative of a man beating his wife in heterosexual relationships.

This issue is something all of us in the LGBT+ community need to recognise - because I am sure that some posters here in this very forum have also encountered, or are currently suffering from, domestic abuse by a spouse/partner. It can be especially shameful for us to acknowledge that they are the victim in an abusive relationship. The fact that we are LGBT also depens this stigma - some of us may not be out to all our family and work - and many abusers take advantage of this by threatening to "out" us in order to instill fear and control, something I'm sure goes on especially in less enlightened countries.

Another issue is that of HIV and sexual health being involved in the abuse where an intimate partner with HIV may be threatened by an abusive partner of being "outed" as HIV+ to others, and this is also another form of emotional blackmail and coercive control. And then there are the vile forms of emotional manipulation and blackmail that many abused partners in all relationsips, gay or straight, face - like the abusive partner threatening to kill themselves if the abused party walks away, or threatening to harm or kill the abused spouse or children if they are present.

It is also known from research that adults who grew up as children in homes with domestic violence and abuse are far more likely to continue the cycle of abuse in their own adult relationships, either as the abuser or the victim.

It's an utterly unpleasant topic but really is something the LGBT+ community needs to face up to more. I myself am very fortunate that my own relationship has never involved more than the rare shouting match/door slamming incidents, but I personally know of two gay lads here in Ireland who were badly abused by their partner but had hid it so well until they finally had the courage to seek help and get out

Have any of you here been the subject of domestic violence and abuse by your boyfriend/girlfriend, partner or spouse?

Did you try to hide it from others due to shame and wanting to "keep up appearances" to others?

Did you finally find the courage and strength to confront your abuser and walk away?