Ghosted by a friend

unichick

Hello, I’ve recently been ghosted by someone I considered a friend. We worked together & I was her manager. She’s very bubbly, younger than me & we always got on really well.

We both now work in different departments but met up for lunch. All seemed fine. She’s younger & lives at home with her parents. I’m married with 2 kids & older. I always felt great in her company as we always had a laugh and she brought out my fun side.

We spoke on Teams & Whatts app but since September she’s completely stopped contact. We have mutual friends where we worked so I was very shocked she would just want nothing to do with me.

If I did anything to upset her I’d like to chat it out but not sure if I should Just leave it alone.

Dial Hard

Hmm. It would be very unusual to be close friends with someone you manage or who manages you. I think it's very possible she wasn't necessarily interested in being your friend - let's face it, even taking the manager-subordinate dynamic out of the equation, it just doesn’t sound like you have much in common.

It sounds to me like she went along with the friendship in order to avoid a potentially very awkward situation with her manager, and then once she moved departments, she felt able to start putting some distance between you.

Work friendships can be great, OP, but I don't think manager-reportee ones are a good idea, for any number of reasons. Maybe keep it peer-to-peer in future.

unichick

I’m friends with all 3 people I used to manage & no issues with two of them. Only one is left in that very high pressure department. We’ve all moved on & bonded over the **** environment we worked in. Just as further background.

pale rider

Suggest you don’t over think it, she has moved on, get on with your life, you must respect her decision whether it was based on something that happened either real or not real, you don’t want a complaint to HR I’m sure so leave it alone, be civil, be nice and carry on with your work.

I wish somebody gave me that advice before I let some subordinates inside my inner circle where quasi relationships developed that turned out over time to be less than I thought …, ah the wisdom of hindsight.

scottser

Leave it. Respect her decision and move on but if you meet her at work be as amiable and professional as ever.

It's also Xmas party season so don't be tempted to do anything stupid like bringing it up when you've both had a few.

thefa

It hard to know how close you were to her but the key for me is this was a work friendship. The way you describe it plus comparisons to other colleagues, I think you may be over invested in your work friendships and need for them to like you.

Believe it would be a bad idea to address it with her. There’s a good chance she did not see this as strong a friendship as you (her boss) did.

unichick

I will move on but we have mutual friends so it's embarrassing. I don't want to drag them into it so I've not mentioned her or the fact she's ignoring me. We're on a group chat though but she's been silent in the group.

It's a big place where I work so I won't be seeing her at any Christmas party and there isn't anything HR wise for her to complain about. I was a very fair boss, in fact probably overly so. I realise now she probably used me for an easier life and ghosting is a thing millennials do. I would never treat someone like that.

Duvet Day

You're definitely reacting in the best way possible OP. Don't mention it to anyone in the group. If you do happen to be in the same place either in work or socially act politely and as if nothing is wrong.

She's either a user/crawler or something might have been said that's she's taken the wrong way. Don't let it be known that it bothers you.

It's a hurtful thing to happen but it does happen especially with work colleagues. Pretend you're unaware of it and more than likely you'll eventually hear the reason for it. On the other hand something could be going on in her life that you're unaware of, if she's quiet on the WhatsApp group it may have nothing to do with yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't know what might be going on with her. It might be a clear case of cutting you out or it might be something more. If she's also silent on a group chat then maybe it's not just you.

We often jump to the conclusion that we've done something wrong or caused upset in some way, but if you honestly can't think of anything then it's likely there is something else going on with her that's nothing to do with you.

Friendships can often drift. Texts can go unanswered etc. if there's a big age gap then she's at a different life stage to you.

I wouldn't dwell on it too much. If you meet be polite and friendly but don't force anything.

zoobizoo

It could be thats she's younger and doesn't "know" how to be just friends when the manager/worker dynamic changes.

It might just be a bit awkward for her but for you it's an easier transition because of your maturity.

She may be hanging around with people more her age / her rank in work and you're like the oldie (we know you're not old).

It could be anything. Ghosting is an awful thing to do to someone because it leaves the other party second guessing themselves.You could be possibly thinking to yourself was it something you said?Was she influenced by somebody else to break contact with you? Did she hear a story about you?Did she ever like you?Did she just feel obliged to talk to you given your positions at work at the time?Or some other reason.One thing it shows is that she’s afraid of conflict and is a poor communicator and that is why she resorted to ghosting.It also shows she lacks empathy and doesn’t care about how you feel.I wouldn’t even acknowledge her if ye happen to meet again unless she comes to you first and offers an explanation and apology for her rude behaviour.

unichick

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm feeling much better about it now. I will definitely follow yere advise.

zoobizoo

Possibly an age issue moreso OP?

When you worked together you had lots of interaction but the work relationship has changed that and she might not know how to navigate the new dynamic.

And younger people hate awkwardness....

Sonic the Shaghog

I'd say be more likely she was "friends" out of sucking up in the hopes of better feedback, reference, promotion opportunity etc

Also possibly to get an easier work load.

Now you are no use to her, she's no interest.

I've seen the same happen to a woman where I work, same playbook. She's a supervisor and another girl came in thick as thieves they were, nights out and all. The minute the girl got a new job in another company, she completely ghosted the supervisor here. It was all so shed be let away with medicore work, the supervisor would get others to do the work while the two just chatted etc

Bogroll2003

maybe she just can’t be bothered with continuing the friendship. Perhaps she viewed it differently to you, more a work based convenience, nice to have work buddies but not pushed otherwise.

Ghosting is made up as some dreadful thing to do but why is it so bad. The truth isn’t always nice, or well received. And for many hearing some sort of reason why “I don’t wanna be friends anymore “ is really quite weird. Your too old to be included in any meaningful way in my usual friendship group is gonna sound harsh.

Slow fade seems to be very popular these days for good reason.

unichick

Update: she messaged the group chat suggesting a meet up of us. I can’t make it so they’ll meet without me. Suits me fine.

I would rather hear the truth than be ignored. We never socialised outside work apart from the Christmas party last year. We’re at different stages of our lives so would never be super close but we always chatted in work. I guess you live you learn.

Maisie

But it doesn't seem like she is actively avoiding you. She has arranged a group night out that she wasn't to know you weren't available for. If she was avoiding you she wouldn't risk you were around. You never socialised anyway so it seems like your friendship was confined solely to the office and texts. I still think it's likely she's moved to a new area, is busy, has stuff going on and forgot your messages. How many time did you text her? How many texts did she "ignore"?

For the record I have a 28 year old step-daughter who I actually have a really nice relationship with. I could send 4 or 5 texts over the space of a couple of weeks/months and not get a reply to any of them. And then get a text a few months later giving me some update or other on what she's doing. It doesn't cause any issues between us.

Maybe there's no "truth". Maybe you are being unintentionally ignored by someone who has a lot of stuff going on in her life. Why not just reply to the group chat saying something like "I'm not around that night but will try organise another night in the new year. Hope you all have a great night".

unichick

It’s just a work lunch they’re arranging. No night out. I sent 3 messages on Teams messenger in September. We used to chat most days. Nothing since. Her work is busy like mine but she always replied before.

I’m happy to let it go. I don’t make friends easily so I guess I was flattered she wanted to hang out such as meet for lunch etc. I’m quite shy.

Thanks for the reply.

Maisie

Night out or work lunch is irrelevant. She's arranging a meet up for the group, including you. You're not available, But she wasn't to know that. If you'd like to reconnect you can try organise something yourself in the new year with the group. If she ghosted you she would have disappeared completely. She hasn't. She just didn't reply to message in September. I have messages on my phone that I am pretty certain I haven't replied to. If you messaged her on teams and her work is busy perhaps your messages slipped down the list and she forgot. She is still in touch via a group WhatsApp.

Maybe she has moved on. Friendships sometimes do. But maybe she's just in a different space now. In a different job with different people and you are no longer front of her mind. I work in an office with 6 others. We are all pretty close. We have an office group chat. We help each other out. We go out for Christmas. One of our colleagues would have been a core member of the office. She moved to another department this time last year. For the first few weeks she'd come back up to the office and say hello etc. We haven't seen her now for probably 6 months. She is no longer in the group chat because she's no longer in the office. This is someone we would all have considered a good friend. She is friends with one of the girls outside of work, but even she doesn't see her that often anymore.

The reality with work colleagues is you are work friends. If you don't socialise outside of work normally, then if the person moves on the friendship is likely to move on with them. Your circumstances have changed and she now has other priorities with her new job and her colleagues there. I'd try not to take this too personally.

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122874163#Comment_122874163

You are confusing work colleagues with friends! People go to work to get paid and get the job done, they are not there to be popular or socialise. So they will often for connections and put up with people they would not normally interact with. You need to be more aware of social boundaries.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122935670#Comment_122935670

Lots of people meet real lifelong friends at work. You make out that its impossible to make a genuine friend at work.

unichick

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122935670#Comment_122935670

Helpful Jim thanks. You’re all heart.

Meeoow

If it's really getting to you, you should ask her. I ghosted 2 work colleagues in the past, but I had genuine reasons. To ghost someone in my opinion means that they are hurt or upset over something. It means they cared a lot about the relationship.

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122932950#Comment_122932950

If you never socialised outside of work then to what degree was this ever a friendship? At most it was a colleague relationship- and one that has now moved on and essentially dissolved just like many colleague relationships do