Losing Attraction 2 years in

Ceolaguscraic

Hi guys, looking for some advice and wondering has anyone else encountered a situation like this in their relationship?

I'm going through a bit of a rut in my relationship and feel like it's obvious to my GF too. I've become a bit distant lately. We're together 2 years. I'm in my early 40s and she's in her late 30s. Before meeting my GF I had been dating and hadn't been having great luck (getting a few dates in with matches and things not progressing beyond that). Since I met my girlfriend she has been very communicative and is very easygoing. I always know where I stand with her. I've found that really reassuring. We have lived together for nearly a year now.

My issue is that she's very passive in the relationship. When in comes to any decision, whether it's watching something on television or deciding what to have for dinner, or deciding what to do at the weekend she will just go along with whatever it is I want to do. It might sound great to some people but I find this very off putting because it feels like she has no personality of her own to express in terms of needs and wants. She's very passive in the bedroom and that's fine, I'm not expecting fireworks tbh. However, I am not sure if it's down to the passivity in decision making or in the bedroom but I'm finding that I'm not really fancying her. Or rather, seeing a lot of her physical flaws (which I feel really bad for doing, as I'm no oil painting myself). My family all like her. I get on with her family.

Has anyone overcome something like this? We are getting to the stage where we are making big decisions too re marriage, buying a place and trying for a kid. I am so conflicted on whether this is a transient feeling or it's something I shouldn't ignore. Any advice or insights really welcome.

Thank you

limnam

My first question would be, how did it take you two years to get to this point?

Was this not obvious very early on in the relationship that she was like this ?

Apart from that, life is too short. This is someone you're considering spending the rest of your life with it and it sounds like there's not much you like about her.

I'd say do both of you a favor.

Ceolaguscraic

Thanks for your reply.

To answer your first question; I suppose in the first year or two, everything is quite a new experience. As we've settled into our routines and got to know each other better, the things I mentioned in my OP has become more apparent.

I am looking for advice from others who've been in a relationship and have had experience with something like this. I'd appreciate their insight on how they approached it.

Not jumping into a reactionary breakup. As mentioned, my GF is very communicative, does her share of household jobs (as do I) and is generally supportive. I don't want to throw all of that way if what I'm feeling is just transitory.

Dublinandy3

If she's very communicative as you say, then I'd suggest doing just that. But rather it sounds like an attack frame it to be something like, how will our relationship look like in x number of years.

Then it gives you time to explain how you want the dynamic to be between the two of you, joint decision making, making sure she's happy so taking it in turns for your social activities etc.

This way it won't seem like an attack but it'll give you a base to work on. Then just see how that goes, if well, great, if not maybe a more straightforward conversation is needed.

Idbatterim

Do YOU want kids ? You know you don't have to married... too many people are passengers in their own life and men are far worse at this...

You are questioning this now, 2 years in, wait until the kid comes, sex is off the table, sounds exactly like that type if relationship.

She definitely has some good trates... that to.me would be a deal breaker though....

I had a similar situation, huge amount of pros in the relationship, but this exact one, was the deal breaker....

Idbatterim

Can I post YouTube links into this channel?

thefa

Would you ever insist on her selecting the show, dinner, activity, etc? Maybe she is very content in simply spending the time together but she must have preference when she’s on her own. You could show your observing by choosing something she would like.

In terms of the bedroom, have you said to her that you want to try something specific? You have assessed her as passive in this department so should have an idea of what you’d like. Maybe the physical fitness is something you could work on together if it’s a priority.

You mention that she is very good at communicating and I think it’s only fair to address your biggest complaints (in a nice way), especially if you have been talking of a future together.

Perhaps you are not that enthralled on the whole idea of family life at this stage which is fine too once you are communicating it. In my opinion, she sounds like a good woman if those are your biggest issues.

YellowLead

So she is really good at communicating - but how are you at it?

Were you happy before recent times, or were you going along with this because you hadn’t much luck before and she does her fair share of the housework etc. As in did you ‘settle’ for want of something more like what you’d actually want in a partner?

If you’ve lost the attraction - you need to think about why. Like she didn’t suddenly lose a personality - is there somebody else you’d even comparing her to or thinking about?

Try opening the conversation that you’d like her to be more active in the relationship in general. You might just be incompatible - but you can’t let this fester and press on with kids and marriage. Read through enough boards threads of regret and you’ll realise.

Akrasia

Talk to her!

If she's a good communicator, and you are genuinely looking to improve your relationship then, if there's a solid foundation to your relationship you can fix it.

Looks are fleeting, and can depend on circumstances, but maintaining attraction in a long term relationship is about fostering a strong secure attachment where you both have the right balance between intimacy, cooperation and autonomy with a strong core of mutual trust and respect.

Pursue your own independent interests, pursue some shared interests and encourage her to nurture her own independent interests. Show a genuine interest in her, ask her deep questions, you do not know her after 2 years (or 20 years) so show her you still care enough to get to know her.

Make an effort to be the person you want to be, improve yourself and invite her to join you, while respecting her choices if her priorities are different to yours.

And if you can do all of that, please tell me how you did it because its hard!

daibhi574

Accommodation & Property›House Size vs Location

in this thread from August this year you speak from your wife… you call her GF in this thread. Could you clarify as it is a slight difference …😲

Pauliedragon

Looking at that post OP I'd say your miles off marriage, buying a house and having a child. You should only do these if you're fully committed. Bear in mind too She's in her late 30's so the clock is against her regarding pregnancy so it's only fair on her for you to make a decision soon rather than stringing her along.

notAMember

That passive thing can be just another form of lazy selfishness. Let everyone else take the mental load of decisions eh. I’ll just coast along and be showered with ideas for entertainment, food and sex.

However, maybe you didn’t know, it can also be medical. Is she taking any kind of hormone , like the contraceptive pill? For some women, there can be a significant side effect of ennui, of not caring, of just losing interest and becoming very passive.

Have the conversation, because it’s important to figure it out.