Feeling conflicted in 4 year relationship

hugeorange

Been with my partner for 4 years now. We are living together for the past year and it has been mostly successful - he's tidy, pulls his weight around the house, is good with money. We cook together, share housework and get to spend a lot of quality time together. He's probably the person I'm closest to in my life and knows everything there is to know about me, good and bad.

In the time we have been together, there have been ups and downs, but we've always been able to work it out one way or another. However, there are things that irk me. He can be quite an argumentative person, often needlessly so, and seems to have a deep need to feel 'right' a lot of the time. I could be just thinking out loud, talking about something mundane or trivial, and he will look to contradict me or prove me wrong in some way, sometimes even taking out his phone to Google stuff and prove that he is right and I am wrong. It is very exhausting, especially when sometimes I'm literally just saying whatever is in my head, it's not a serious matter at all, and doesn't warrant debate. I think this impulse comes from a place of insecurity because he didn't finish college while I have quite a high level of education. I carry absolutely zero judgement about his education but I think sometimes he feels insecure about it and that sometimes turns to resentment which comes out in petty arguments and defensive comments. It all just makes me feel less inclined to share things, even the most mundane stories about my day, because I just don't want to have to get into it with him if I end up bringing up something he feels he can argue about. I know some of my friends have picked up on this habit of his because he has occasionally behaved similarly with them and caused needless tension and awkwardness in very casual conversations among our group. I have had direct conversations with him about it before and he does acknowledge that he does this. We have talked about the importance of sometimes just letting people talk about unserious matters in whatever way they like, and that not every comment someone makes is an invitation to debate, but he often can't seem to help himself.

Additionally, I find he can be quite defensive and snappy, again over issues that I feel are quite trivial. More than once when we have had minor disagreements (where to eat, what to watch etc) I've had the feeling that he's 'giving out' to me a bit. He often takes on a scolding and snarky tone of voice with me that I really don't like and actually find quite hurtful and condescending. He raised his voice once with me in public quite recently, which shocked me and I think he freaked himself out a bit too because he became incredibly apologetic and clingy with me for the whole day afterwards.

I don't want to break up - when I think of my life without him, it makes me feel very sad, tearful even. He is often very sweet with me - he cooks gorgeous meals for me when I'm tired after a long day, arranges nice dates for us on special occasions, makes an effort with my family and friends, and he has supported me immensely through a very difficult bereavement recently. I know he loves me. I just can't get past these niggly things that sometimes just leave me feeling exhausted and kind of small. I hate feeling like we're always one sentence away from having stupid argument for no reason or feeling like I constantly have to defend my every thought.

Any advice appreciated.

Dial Hard

Ugh, I genuinely don't know what to tell you, OP. My sister's partner is the exact same and tbh, we all just avoid spending time with him whenever possible because he's just so tiresome to be around. Like your partner, he does it to everyone, not just her. I don't doubt that he loves her but I just can't get past what an abrasive, condescending prick he is.

I guess you just need to decide if the rest of the relationship is good enough for you to be able to put up with this (absolutely massive, imo) issue. I know I wouldn't, but everyone's hard lines are in different places. The fact that you've spoken to him about it, he accepts that it's an issue but it actually seems be escalating would be massively concerning to me, though.

YellowLead

Personally I wouldn’t want to spend a lifetime with somebody who behaves like that. It’s already making you tired, despite the other good stuff. Your friends aren’t thrilled about spending time with him - doesn’t that say a lot?

Would you be lonely without him? Just ask yourself that - is he really the right guy for you, are you mad about him - or is it just comforting to be in a relationship and you’d be lost on your own?

I know it’s really hard to leave a relationship that has good bits too - but you have to look at the bigger picture. No idea if you want kids - but think about them being parented like that, not very nice.

ConorComps

To the OP, would you consider sitting down with him and tell him what you told us? He might not be aware that he's making you unhappy because of his argumentive nature. The prospect of possibly losing you might make him realise he has to mend his ways. Maybe a few sessions with a therapist might help him too or maybe you could both go together?

What is clear is that the status quo cannot continue indefinitely. It has irked you enough to make a long post about it.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122800274#Comment_122800274

I have had direct conversations with him about it before and he does acknowledge that he does this. We have talked about the importance of sometimes just letting people talk about unserious matters in whatever way they like, and that not every comment someone makes is an invitation to debate, but he often can't seem to help himself.

She has told him what she told us, and it hasn't made any difference.

He could feel the same way tbh.

Whenever I was young and naive I stayed in a toxic relationship because the thought of life without her was making me sad. However I found myself finding fault with everything and causing arguments over the littlest things. Whenever I wised up I realised i just wanted her to end it. It was quite a selfish thing to do. I ended it eventually and life didn't turn out so bad. Might be time to cut your losses. Good luck.

watchclocker

Has it gotten worse over time?

I ask because you said that was the first time he raised his voice to you in public

hugeorange

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122800664#Comment_122800664

I definitely feel I notice it more now that we are living together, probably just because of how entwined our lives are now. I don't remember this happening so much in the first couple of years of our relationship or at least it didn't bother me as much.

con___manx1

He definitely sounds a bit egotistical. Thinks he's very smart and needs to show it to who ever he can.

Depending on his age or life experience he might grow out of that hopefully.

Who actually gives a bollix really? No point arguing. life is to short.

AyeGer

I wonder if he knew the relationship was is serious danger of ending over this issue would that give him the wake up call he needs.

We all know people like this, they just have to be right and they never quite learned the social skills to know when to let something slide. It’s tedious enough to have a friend or a workmate with these tendencies but a partner is a different matter. Not knowing when you will be ‘corrected’ or contradicted on something would get very irritating. I don’t understand people like that, what are they expecting in return for correcting someone, a thank you.

I think you are going to have to confront this in a much clearer and serious manner. Tell him it’s a potential relationship ending issue.

HildaOgdenx

We all know people like this, they just have to be right and they never quite learned the social skills to know when to let something slide. It’s tedious enough to have a friend or a workmate with these tendencies but a partner is a different matter. Not knowing when you will be ‘corrected’ or contradicted on something would get very irritating. I don’t understand people like that, what are they expecting in return for correcting someone, a thank you.

I agree with @AyeGer and this would annoy me in a workmate or anyone I encountered regularly, never mind in a relationship. I can't stand people who have to argue the simplest thing down to the bone, and they have to be right. Apart from anything else, it's tedious beyond belief.

More worryingly, you're walking on eggshells around him, OP, not knowing when the next outburst will be. That's far from ideal.

This article is worth a read. You don't have to take it all as gospel or anything, but there's certainly food for thought in it, in my opinion.

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-handle-walking-on-eggshells-in-your-relationship-5207935

Alkers

The initial list of traits you list about your relationship makes it sound like cohabiting as opposed to someone you love spending time with, just an observation. If you're 4 years together you should still have a bit of spark left between you!

Not in a romantic relationship, but I've experienced similar things where a fried has an annoying trait like that. My advise to you to address it is to make them aware like you have done and then to call the behaviour something e.g. Mr right / know it all / fact check etc etc (think of something appropriate) and just say that our loud every time he does it. Don't get annoyed, maybe even laugh a bit about it but say it every time. Childish perhaps but can be effective.

advisemerite

It sounds like you want him to change to meet your needs solely. You say you carry zero judgement about the educational differences of you and him. Yet you brought it up in this thread. So my guess is you do judge him on that without realising it or you're not prepared to admit you do. It sounds like you both have a decent relationship with normal every day ups and downs.

Not everybody will agree with you and disagreement doesn't necessarily mean the other Person is argumentative. It sounds like you hate when your Partner or anybody else, which I'm guessing here prove you wrong. Your post comes across as you think you are superior to others because as you say you have more education.

Upto yourself obviously but I'd work on the relationship and try both of you to let things go, especially not so important things.

spakman

It sounds like insecurity to me - he lacks the confidence to relax in relationships and has a need to constantly prove his knowledge. It's gotten to the stage that he's even annoying himself but it's so ingrained now, he finds it hard to stop himself.

I think you need to sit him down, and tell him to listen without interrupting until you're finished. Tell him you love him, but you're finding his constant corrections and arguments exhausting and hurtful.

Tell him he doesn't need to prove himself to you, your friends, or anyone else. He should relax and let things go.

Make sure he gets the message that this behaviour is a threat to the relationship but you really want it to work.

Good luck.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122801181#Comment_122801181

Quite a bit of projection going on there, methinks.

CramCycle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122800274#Comment_122800274

I'd recommend this, he sounds like me a few years ago, I just got into a rut and it was then a habit I couldn't break. She sat me down and said it, I hadn't even realised. It took a lot of work to bite my tongue until it was no longer a habit, I still occasionally do it but make a conscious effort not to again. There may be two of you in it as well so you also might need to make some changes as well in regards the snappiness but with mine, it was caused by me and then she became that way, if she hadn't of said it, we probably would have broken up by now and I would have walked off thinking she was something she wasn't.

Worth a conversation, most couples have moments like this over a long time period, the key is to identify it if it keeps up and see can it be fixed.

watchclocker

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122800717#Comment_122800717

My advice for now then is to be very conscious of whether this does get steadily worse, so you can work out how bad it might get and take action as you see fit

You should talk to him again though, he may have something going on that's making him tetchy and anxious and that's how it's presenting itself but if that's the truth, then he needs to try to address it and nip it in the bud

Akrasia

It can be an opportunity for growth for both of you. No long term relationship is smooth sailing the entire way and if you do love him, and this is just one part of the relationship you're struggling with, then communication is better than bottling it up or resenting him for something he might not think is a big deal.

Maybe you can have a chat with him, tell him that you have a boundary, where you do not like to be fact checked all the time and sometimes you just want to have a chat without google getting involved or without one person needing to be right or wrong, at least then he'll have the chance to take that in, understand that this is bothering you, and decide if it's something he can work on.

Maybe he will agree that even if he has this tendency that he finds it hard to control, that you can use a 'safe word' or where he can back down and not be offended, or even laugh at it.

James O'Brien, the LBC radio host in the UK comes across as a similar kind of character, the kind of person who has an opinion on everything and always wants to be right, but he refers to his own marriage and the role of his partner in reigning him in sometimes as her being his 'Wazzock alarm'

Basically, whenever he starts going off on something, his wife says something like 'stop being such a wazzock' and he realises he's being annoying and reigns himself in (both in private, and when they're out with friends)

This can work if your partner is self aware about this tendency and is willing to work with you and not take it personally, and if you're willing to use the 'wazzock alarm' sparingly and still allow him to debate and argue sometimes which he may enjoy doing and is a healthy form of communication when done in the right spirit

tara73

difficult one because he has this two sides. the nice one and the bad one with this terrible habit. I actually think he will not really change. People with traits like that have it ingrained, it's a sort of insecurity, no real self esteem and trying to control situations/people. It will always come out one way or another. One poster already advised therapy for him and I think this will be the only chance, if he finds a good one to help him with it.

maybe talk to him about it one more time, but give him a subtle ultimatum, for example that you really can't take anymore of this any longer. And every time he starts the arguments, tell him: you starting it again! that he sees and feels he's not getting away with it anymore and you calling him out on it every time he tries to do it. And if he's getting angry you calling him out on it instead to say sorry, sorry, sorry you are right, I think you have your answer.

Tbh I think this caring for you, making dinner, inviting you is just to make up for his bad habit. They know, consciously or subconsciously they have to do this because otherwise no partner will stay with them.

I would be very careful to continue with this guy. It gotten worse since you moved in together, imagine if you are married and have kids together…you're kind of dependent on him then. I don't know him, you should know him best, but it's just a warning it could get much worse then because he knows it's not easy for you to escape if there are kids involved.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122801297#Comment_122801297

Why are you attacking posters?