Relationship advice - Job loss has led to drop in contact

Bookworm34

Hi guys,

I've been in a relationship with a guy for eight months and things had been going well up until September when he lost a contract at work. From that point on, he grew distance with less frequent messages and phone calls but we did however spend a lovely long weekend together in early October and everything went well on the trip. Since then though, things changed again with infrequent calls and texts and I was initiating all the daily contact we have had since then(2 weeks). I stopped messaging him altogether as I became disillusioned with the whole situation. He contacted me five days later apologetic that he wasn't in contact and described his work situation as very stressful and that he wanted to resign his position as he has no free time but he can't due to his financial commitments. He said that he was feeling depressed about work. I sent him some jokes to cheer him up and podcasts that he could listen to in his free time. I ordered a book online on working smarter recommendations too to be helpful.

We have got back to messaging daily but I just feel that something is off and I don't want to be messed around. Is he subtly trying to end things with me or not in contact as much because he wants me to end it with him?

Should I just end things with him? I just feel confused about it all and what to do.

Thanks for reading

Jim_Hodge

Sounds like he is stressed. Continue to be supportive and understanding for a while more and see if you can help him through what sounds like a rough patch for him. I wouldn't be overly enthused by an expectation of daily messages if I was under severe work pressure.

Princess Calla

Just me, but if I was stressed in work and someone gave me a book on how to "work smarter" the book would be fired back at them.

I would find it condescending more than helpful.

It's hard to know.…no matter what stresses I've had in life I've always found the time to contact the people I wanted to contact.

He's showing you who he is....life gets tough...he goes low to no contact.....up to you if you want to accept that.

Personally not even a year in....I'd hate to be at the mercy of someone else's moods....too much of a bad rollercoaster for me!

YellowLead

I agree with previous poster that book would have really annoyed me, but back to the point - OP no matter the reason why, if somebody is pulling away they are pulling away. Some people aren’t able to deal with stress or their own emotions and they shut off and shut down - personally I wouldn’t like to be in a relationship with somebody like that - would you?

I think it’s time for an honest conversation that begins with - hey I know you’re having a really tough time, but I wanted to check in on how you are feeling about us. Or similar.
How was everything up to this point - bliss as the first year should be, or fraught with doubts here and there?

Bookworm34

@Jim Hodge thanks for your perspective on the situation. Yes he has spoken at length in messages about how stressed he feels. I will remain supportive for a while longer.

@Princella Calla and Yellowlead Thank you both so much for taking the time out of your busy days to respond. I never intended for the book to be condescending or allude to him being terrible at work. I googled helpful ways to support a person suffering with heavy work pressures and the book came highly recommended in relation to prioritizing tasks etc. I have always praised him in messages about his work commitments. I will clarify with him that no offense was intended; I thought it was kind.

Up until the last few weeks he was never moody but attentive and caring. I dislike now though how isolated and lonely I feel in the relationship. @yellowlead After experiencing 10 days of less infrequent contact, I had a conversation about how we had grown distance and that I felt he was losing interest and I suggested that we could end things that I just wanted to know either way but he insisted that he really liked me and that he is experiencing a lot of work pressures.

At this point I think I will take a step back from messaging to prevent my overthinking and let things fizzle out in their own time as I just feel like he has all the power.

Thanks again.

89897

I dont think letting things fizzle out is the right approach, speak to him about how you're feeling. Hes in a relationship and regardless of his stress he does now have another person to consider. Its likely hes not aware of how his quietness is effecting you and he wont be unless you speak to him. Tell him how his actions are pushing you away and if thats not his intentionsthen he needs to change that and if it is his intention the you know where you stand.

You can be supportive as possible but your feelings are valid and also need consideration.

I definitely wouldnt want to be in a relationship with someone that goes underground as soon as something stressful happens, cause life can be stressful and it will be again.

If its something you want to fix then speak about it.

tara73

it's just 8 months. I can't help but is there a chance he might be in another (longterm, committed) relationship? I've read too many threads here with people in relatively new relationships losing interest all of a sudden with the standard but not really acceptable excuse being so stressed at work. but the real reason is they are afraid or there is a situation to avoid the partner or even wife is going to find out.

Bookworm34

Thanks to everyone for giving me advice and just to update that the relationship finished up at the weekend. I spoke to him about how I felt that he was pushing me away but unfortunately he continued to be withdrawn and stopped responding to my messages for days at a time and it started to make feel very stressed so I decided to pull the plug. I ended it by text as he wasn't responding to my phone calls. I'm gutted that he never responded to my message.

Thanks again.

YellowLead

You did the right thing - well done for being strong enough!