Not sure what to do

AnneW777

Hi all,

I have been with someone for a year (both in 30's) I am in a position where I'm not sure what to do anymore. I keep going around in my head on the below things I've mentioned and at the same time I'm questioning myself and thinking but maybe I'm being silly or maybe its just him being a 'fella' being oblivious type thing. Or, maybe I need a wake up call…I don't know.

He is a good person but there is a lack of communication and emotion. I feel as if I don't know if he is interested anymore, is arsed, how deep his feelings are for me, if he sees a future (all those kinds of questions are in mind). There are times I am in his company but I've never felt so alone. I've tried to talk about the relationship and where it is going a couple of times now and the first time (months in) it didn't really happen.

The second time, I got a couple of things out of him but not what I felt was enough, he did say he saw us being together for a long time and he cares about me, I guess I need a bit more detail than that. It just felt very much as if he was saying things but there was no heartfelt meaning. I did lay out that I felt that we weren't talking about the relationship at all and that I was upset about it and what I want myself for the future (a family etc). He was very apologetic and wanted to come over to stay with me and that we would go to dinner that weekend and 'just talk'. The dinner never materialised. When he did come over to stay he barely said a word and there was no more conversation at all around what I had brought up. There was then a point where we didn't even speak or see each other for a week and when we did I was frustrated to the pint I was upset and I said I was fed up and something needs to change but not much has really.

When the year mark came then, there was no acknowledgement of it, it was just another day. I say that because in general there doesn't appear to be much in the line of any romantic feeling or making anything special. I'm not the kind of person to expect a lot, I didn't expect a big deal to be made of it - even if it was just to say it and say something nice I would have been delighted. I had mentioned weeks beforehand just that 'oh nearly a year already' type thing and suggested it would be nice to do something at some point like go somewhere not too far for a couple of days, he agreed but didn't sound too arsed. I made a decision to leave it and if he brought it up we would look at it again, but nothing. My birthday was the same, he said he wanted to make me a nice dinner, that never happened either. There have been other occasions similar to that where I've just felt let down and disappointed.

Most recently I am feeling the lack of effort to see each other. He was to come over and we were to have an evening in and cook a nice meal. He cancelled saying that he was 'sick or something' but then was able to video game most of the day. We were to have a chill evening in, nothing strenuous. I totally get that he may have wanted a bit of space, if he did, he didnt admit it and used the sick card. We haven't had a night over with each other for weeks now. I've done things for him and spent time with him even when I've been exhausted because I wanted to make the effort.

As it stands right now, we have seen each other for a couple of hours twice in this month and he stayed over once at the beginning of the month.

AnneW777

To add - I do feel that to some extent these things can be worked on but I am not sure of this is a case of let things go now or whether I should keep trying.

pgj2015

The next 50 years with him will only get worse and worse, run and don't look back. It sounds like its over already. You dont exactly sound demanding but he cant even make a tiny effort for you. You deserve better.

Some men are just emotionally repressed. Suggest you do couples councilling and if he refuses then he is never going to become the man you want him to be. Walk away as it will be an uphill struggle and there are men out there who will reward your efforts far more. Life is to short to waste on an emotionally cold man.

I am a man by the way but know such men as I describe - most cannot change.

thefa

I don’t believe the first year should be so difficult. Sure there will be challenges and fights but it’s not really a time when repeated lack of effort should be the norm. It’s quite normal to want to spend a good chunk of time together and mark occasions. Things can get in the way of exact dates but it shouldn’t be difficult to rearrange and follow through.

I realise this is about the issues but you don’t present any detail on his redeeming qualities (besides him being a good person) and I am kind of struggling to make out why you would feel pressure to fix this apart from age playing a factor.

Are you saying you have met each other 3 times total in October so far? Did each of these times involve getting intimate? Do you guys go on some dates or text regularly when you don’t see each other?

Big Bag of Chips

This is how you're feeling 1 year in. Imagine a lifetime of it. I'm not saying he's a bad person but he's just not arsed. It's ok to look for a bit more for yourself. Unless you want the rest of your life to have special occasions ignored. Buying your own Christmas presents to stick under the tree. Pretending that birthdays and anniversaries don't mean anything to you.

It's ok to want to share those things. It's ok to want to have a tiny bit of fuss made about you occasionally. You don't sound overly demanding. Just somebody looking for even minimum effort. He's not even giving that.

Time for you to consider if this is something you can accept. Because it won't change.

horse7

Play hard to get,see if he's interested, sounds like more friends than anything else.

Joe286

Give him space to realise what he is throwing away. Tell him you are giving him two weeks. I presume you are both still intimate.

A break in all things will give him time

I don't understand what you're getting out of this relationship. Sounds like utter misery to me. Honestly I don't see any hope for it. You're not fulfilled by it - it makes you feel lonely. I would end it and walk away and keep looking for the right partner for you who matches you in enthusiasm and effort. This situation sounds dreadful.

AnneW777

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122767504#Comment_122767504

I think it shouldn't feel so difficult either. We haven't actually even fought really. It would probably be better if we had, at least id feel like I was getting something out of him. Generally we would see each other once a week but lately that has dwindled. Agree on the dates but even to say something over the phone on the day like a 'happy 1 year' or anything would be nice but its like it didn't exist.

As for redeeming qualities, He is a good natured and kind person. He can be caring, he will offer his help with things. He is very intelligent and could do whatever he puts his mind to. All those things are nice, but not enough unfortunately where there is no communication or emotion.

And yes 3 times total this month and no contact since Thursday. Intimate each of the three times which to be honest giving the lack of things I've mentioned makes me feel more like a friend with benefits than a girlfriend of a year. I would have contacted him to see if he was up to much for the weekend but I wanted to leave it and have a think. As far as I'm aware he had no plans and is likely at home just going between daily things and video games for the most part. We haven't had any proper dates out for a while. We did go away for a week together in August and it was just a couple of weeks before that in which I had the first failed attempt to ask him where things were going so its been hard going.

We don't text really at all. Its mainly a phone call 2 maybe 3 evenings a week. I know he prefers calls over texting and he doesn't have access to his phone during work hours and wouldn't be home till 6-7 in the evening. He did actually ask recently why I don't call him often, I explained I don't tend to initiate phone calls due to his situation with work and that its been the general trend since we've been together, its easier for him to be the one to call as he is home at varying times and by the time he gets his own bits done in the evening he is usually pretty wiped so I don't expect to hear from him everyday.

Big Bag of Chips

its been hard going.

A young relationship (I mean young as in early days, not 20+ years and a handful of children) shouldn't be hard going. Things can happen but in general you should feel fairly secure. After a year you should be comfortable in each others company. You should feel comfortable bringing up issues or concerns.

It seems like he has exactly what he wants, a "girlfriend" that he doesn't need to make a whole lot of effort with but he still has sex when he wants. You on the other hand don't have what you want. Neither of you are necessarily wrong. You're just not compatible with each other.

I'd suggest you try talk to him before ending it, but I don't think it'll make a whole lot of difference. He might promise things and make an effort, for a few weeks, but it will quickly revert back. Up to you. But if it has been hard going in the early stages it is very unlikely to become anything different.

SupaCat95

As Granny Supacat said if you dont know after a year, you are never going to know. Time is too valuable.

pooch90

This is not the type of man you want to have a family with. If he can't make you feel special now, with no children and just in the honeymoon phase, then he's not going to mind you when you're pregnant or post partum. That's the long and short of it for me. (currently pregnant with baby 4 and husband minds me and the kids and doesn't make me feel guilty for being meh and useless).

You're in your 30s, life is too short to be second guessing if your partner GAF about you. The answer is in the questioning.

Also the "we don't text" rings alarm bells with me that there's someone else on the scene.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122767660#Comment_122767660

Don't do this. Game playing is not an attractive quality.

It seems the op needs a push. Basically talk or get out. Not easy. Look after yourself op.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122767803#Comment_122767803

I know it’s tough to give up after putting in a year of your best into a relationship, particularly when you’re looking for something serious, but you have to ask yourself if he is going to materially change.

We all make compromises of sorts for relationships to work but he has come nowhere close to making you happy in numerous ways.

I think you could back yourself to take the short term pain of a breakup and find a better partner. It does not make you happy as is anyways.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122767803#Comment_122767803

If "he can be caring" was the best thing I could say about someone I'd put a year of my life into, I know what my decision would be.

Seriously, OP, what are you getting out of this, other than being able to say you're in a relationship??? There are far worse things than being single. I can't understand why so many people would rather be in a shıtty relationship than on their own.

This guy doesn't seem like a bad guy, he's just not arsed, as BBoC said. Leave him at it. It doesn't sound like he'll even notice much of a difference in his life, tbh.

tara73

I think this guy has already checked out of the relationship and wants to end it, especially reading his latest stunts. And he's one of this (many)persons who's not able to have the conversation with you, having the guts to end it himself. So he's behaving badly that in the end you'll be the one who calls it a day. I'm sorry but I really think you need to realise he's doing this with you.

Idle Passerby

Life is too short and precious to waste on people who don't care about you

YellowLead

I agree with the poster who said he’s probably waiting for you to end it. I’ve seen a lot of men who don’t have the balls to end relationships, they sort of check out and wait for the woman to do it. Not all men, but a certain cohort.
Was he ever really invested in you? Or did you basically have to beg for scraps of showing he cares/romance all along? It sounds like he just went along with this becoming a relationship’ because a bit of company and sex is grand - but he’s not treating you like a girlfriend.

Sleepy

I'm sorry OP but this seems like a clear case of "he's just not that into you" I'm afraid.