7 Year Relationship in Crisis

infinitenostalgic

Hi All,

Throwaway for privacy.

I need some guidance and positive stories if anyone has any. I need hope. Before I start please, please don't be too harsh on me, I'm having a very tough time. I appreciate honest advice but please be kind.

So we're both late thrities/early forties and we've been together, or rather we were, for seven years. Everything was good in terms of how we connect personality wise, physically and emotionally. He has mental health struggles - mild OCD and his new counsellor suspects undiagnosed ADHD. He doesn't do well with heavy stress at all. Gets cyclical thoughts and worries a lot, hyper focuses on things and it's worse when the situation is out of his control. He's aware of all this and is in counselling currently.

In the last few months we've had a hard time. Not with each other but I've been through some health scares and have had three surgeries since end of June this year. Cancer was found, all the tumor is out but I've to go through radiotherapy and chemo now. One of his parents who he's really close to had a serious health scare also and had stints fitted during this time and his work has genuinely been up the walls. I knew it was a hard time on us both but I didn't realise he'd gotten to breaking point and he called me ten days ago because he needs a break from the romantic relationship. I felt like a truck had hit me. I still don't remember the call, most of the days since have been a blur.

One of our biggest differences is in how we give/take love and affection. I'm very openly affectionate and will say how I feel very easily and I'm very sure of it. He has trouble giving and recieving love, especially so when he's under stress or tension. While he's not as vocal about it I feel the love though in how I'm treated by him, how he cares, listens and how we interact. We love each other's company.

He's pushed me away before in times of stress but not like this, it's never felt so…. serious I guess? We've never broken up before. He doesn't know how he's feeling at the moment, he's all burned out.

So we've gone from talking every day through texts and we'd video call every single night to maybe one short text exchange every second day and a video call just three times since the break. It's been me who initiates because I can't take anymore. We'd see each other in person almost every weekend. I've only seen him one time since the split. We don't live together as family circumstances don't allow it but we've worked around it and we've been so happy. I was so happy. It was good, please believe me. We're so good for each other and have helped one another through so much.

I'm so lost in a way I've never felt before and I'm constantly thinking about him. I'm so distraught thinking about what if he doesn't come back? What if he doesn't want to be with me once he's back to his normal stable self? It was so good, we were so good how can it be over? Surely he'll miss me once his head isn't in a spin anymore and he'll come back to his normal self. It can't be over he just needs a break. Our connection is still there, I feel sparks of it in the calls we've had since so it's not gone. Or is it just there for me? He does still love me, that feeling just doesn't disappear. What if he's trying to make it disappear….

That's my head, rinse and repeat.

It's so dark here.

I've asked him and he's agreed to not make any permenant decisions about our relationship until he's fully stable again. He's taking a break from work for the next few weeks and he's heading to his home country to see his family for a couple of months so I think that's going to help. But I'm so scared. I'm so, so scared.

I've lost my absolute best friend, he's genuinely the love of my life and I'm terrified it's over.

I know it's silly asking a forum of folks I don't know for hope but please give me any advice or stories you might have. I need hope.

I know in the core of me and would stake everything I own on the fact that he still loves me. He does, but he's burned out and doesn't know what he feels or wants at the moment. I'm the kind of person who wants answers in such circumstances but he's incapable right now of providing that and I'm not pressuring him at all. I've dialed back all our contact to what, for me, amounts to nothing. He needs to heal and I know that. He can't take any additional pressure so I'm not asking him questions he can't answer and I'm not pestering him. It's what he's asked for and it's the only way I can help.

But please has anyone been through anything like this before? His capacity for emotions is fried so I'm in a horrible place where I feel bereft and as though I'm the only one of us who's scared, lost and in mourning and hurting from this break.

I miss him so damn much.

I'm in therapy for the cancer stuff and now this as well so while I'm still struggling and feel like I can't breathe half the time, I do have supports and my family have been so kind listening to me but any stories of hope will be very, very welcome. Do you think that a way back is possible?

Thanks for reading and love to anyone else suffering through their own situation.

Buddy Bubs

Sounds very similar to a relationship I had with a lady in my 30s with mental health and non committal, wouldn't live together, pushed away etc, was a nightmare. Personality disorders.

What's the reason you never lived together?

infinitenostalgic

Thanks for your comment.

I'd have loved to live together honestly but my Mam passed away suddenly in 2019 and my Dad is in his late seventies now and while he's not in need of full time medical grade help he needs someone in the house for things like cooking and housework and just to have someone here. He's getting more unsteady on his feet etc.

Before we lost my Mam and I moved back down home, the main reason was I felt it was a bit too early and while my job was enough to afford a room in a house share it was nowhere near enough to stretch to half a studio or anything else that would have been just us.

Also if I'm honest and not making excuses, while he was fully onboard with living together, marriage etc. when we first met I think it was the excitment of first being together. Slowly that faded and he was happy where he was staying. He's also in a house share situation though he could afford his own place by himself. He's got a much better paying job than me.

So now as we speak it's a case of I'm unable to move and he's very comfortable where he is and generally hates change. Or at least he hates it when he's his normal self.

When we ended up in this spot I didn't push for us to live together because what's the point when I couldn't act on it if he was up for it, you know?

Buddy Bubs

Well best of luck, it's a complex situation and I can't offer any further advice apart from the fact it's a common situation but I don't think there's a huge chance here of a future. Living in a house share by choice when in a 7 year relationship doesn't inspire much confidence.

infinitenostalgic

Yea that's what I'm scared of. Thanks for the good wishes though, it's appreciated

pgj2015

I just want to say if it does end, you will get over it, we all do, happens to everyone at least once. There is plenty more fish in the sea. Is he the first guy you have been in love with?

airy fairy

7 years together, no inclination for him to suggest moving in together? Even through covid, 7 years is a long time to be with a partner who is happy to separately house share.

You seem to be all about his feelings, but you do realise that going through treatment for cancer requires you to being looked after, and not you him?

Honestly, I think you need to look after you and get yourself better, for you. He has dumped you in the middle of your cancer treatment, and doesn't seem to give a toss about you. You are in a vulnerable spot right now, he shouldn't be putting you into a position like this now.

infinitenostalgic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122767031#Comment_122767031

Yea he is, and I'm his also. And thanks for the kind words.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122767047#Comment_122767047

You're not wrong, his timing isn't great but he was right there for the operations I had. Then it all got too much and in one way I'm glad he at least saw the signs and got back into counselling before it all really blew up into anything catastrophic and undoable.

And I know what you mean about the cancer treatment & my health needing priority, you're not wrong there. I also do focus on him too much and how he's feeling.

I know I shouldn't care now.

I just can't seem to get my head in the game, I'm stuck in a loop thinking about all this over and over and getting nowhere. I'm hoping it'll burn itself out and I'll get peace from it soon.

Counselling is helping though, grounding exercises etc. and a bit of me knows it'll all pass and if he can't be relied on and if it's going nowhere then what are we doing to begin with.

But I can't hold onto the rational thoughts for long enough because my heart doesn't care.

Thanks though folks, even just seeing how irrational it all is written down is going some way to helping.

pgj2015

I thought so, just from the way you describe it. I was the exact same after my first love but when I look back now, I can see she wasn't right at all for me and if she wanted to get back together now, there is no way id want anything to do with her. The few months apart will do you wonders I think, you will know then if he is right for you.

appledrop

OK so I'm going to try and see it from both sides. Reading what you have written it could be possible that he has freaked out because you are so sick and can't handle it and is pushing you away. Now you might have some hope as he is going through counselling to try and deal with these issues but he may never be ready to commit so I think that's something you need to prepare yourself for.

To be honest, I'm glad your not living together because you have a tough road ahead and you will need all your strength to get through it. At least you still have your family home to stay in and are safe there. I know your dad is not in 100% health but hopefully he will provide you with emotional support to get through this.

I hope you have other family/ friends who you can rely on and I would be leaning on them over the next while rather than put too much effort into your relationship.

Please take care of yourself and best of luck in coming months.

airy fairy

Of course you care, it's only human nature to still care for someone that you've been spending the last 7 years with.

Over the time apart, you will see that his priorities lie elsewhere during a time in which you are dealing with something life threatening. He should've been there for you. And I've lived with a partner that was all self consumed with depression, but I realised, and you will realise, that the supporter needs support too.

You can't 'mother' someone forever, and tbh, it sounds like this person is needy,not just when he is going through a low mental health issue, but all the time. You deserve the freedom to fight your illness without having to direct your energies towards someone who is self absorbed.

infinitenostalgic

Thank you all, I really appreciate you all taking the time to read the whole lot of what I wrote and for giving me some good points to think about. I really needed it

L Grey

I've nothing to add only I wish you all the best.

infinitenostalgic

Thank you very much :)

infinitenostalgic

Thank you very much :)

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to take a little step back and think about this. Try to take the emotion out of it for a moment. I assume you are not in your early 20s. So if you are planning marriage, and having a family together it's something that you need to be moving towards in the not too distant future.

You sound like a really lovely woman. But your post is focused so much on him, his feelings, his needs, his wants, his care. What about you? You are going through a very tough time right now and he runs for the hills. I get it. I get that he hasn't the coping skills and I get that he feels overwhelmed. But you need to seriously consider is he ever likely to develop coping skills? Because what happens if you have a family together? What happens when you have a child, or two? Life can become stressful when you add children to it. The older the children get the more stressful, and expensive life gets. Teenagers can be very tricky to manage! Is he just going to walk out anytime it gets too much for him? Leave you to cope alone?

I think you have been so focused on looking after him, and making sure he's ok, and making sure he knows you love him, and making sure you make his life easy that you are forgetting completely about yourself. About your life. Your wants. Your needs. You've been a huge support to him. But when you need a bit of support back, he's gone.

lt's really really difficult to walk away from something when you have such strong feelings, and when you are such a caring person. It's not natural for you to be selfish and consider your own needs above someone else's. But that's what you need to think about now. I would strongly urge you to attend counselling. You need to work through this and come to the realisation that a relationship should be a partnership. This doesn't seem like a partnership. It seems like he holds all the cards and you move heaven and earth to make sure his needs are met. Neglecting your own.

I think take a step back. A big step back. Stress isn't good for you right now. Counselling will be available to you through the cancer services. Please use it. You need to learn that it is ok to occasionally focus on yourself. And it is ok to expect your partner to be your support. If he is not capable of being the support you need and deserve, then is he really the person for you to spend your life with?

mykrodot

Hi OP

If someone hadn't committed to me in any meaningful way (living together, engagement, kids) after 7 years, I would be long gone! Were your needs ever met, did you ever discuss what you wanted from the relationship? Years fly past and suddenly you are 7 years in a relationship but haven't moved further in any meaningful way.

I reckon he has checked out. I would not be waiting and hoping he will change his mind! You should focus on yourself and your future. It is normal to grieve for a relationship when it ends, particularly if it is your first relationship and its a long one. You won't get over this in a few months, it takes well over a year (in my experience) to go through the stages of grief when a long term relationship breaks down.

In his defense, maybe he was never put on the spot and asked to define what he wanted and where he thought the relationship was going, maybe he was happy to coast along until something big happened (and it always does in life). Maybe the thought of you having cancer frightened him. This is understandable and he wouldn't be the first person to break up a relationship during cancer treatment, but it also shows his lack of emotional maturity and you would have to question if he really did love you in the latter stages of the relationship. Its not a decision people take lightly.

So please mind yourself, you sound like a lovely person. Move on, tough as it is. Stop all contact with him, its the only way, otherwise its like picking a scab, the wound never really heals.

best wishes

Dial Hard

I knew before it was even asked that this was going to be your first/only significant relationship. Because you keep saying how good it is/was, but believe me OP, it wasn't good. If you had any context for what a good relationship actually is, you'd know that. I'm not saying that to be cruel, btw, but if you were on the outside looking in you'd know exactly what I mean. It shouldn't be this hard. Not 7 months in, not a year in and not 7 years in. You have spent the entirety of this relationship tying yourself into knots to make sure his needs are met, that he's getting the relationship he wants, but as soon as you need a bit of support, he cuts and runs back to mammy and daddy.

I say this in the nicest way possible, OP: stop making yourself small for him. I think if you're honest with yourself you'll admit that you didn't push for stuff like moving in together or having a serious conversation about your future together because you knew, deep down, that doing that would push him away. He's had absolutely everything on his terms this entire time. What about your needs??? Even taking your health issues out of the equation, has he ever once put your wants and needs before his own in any kind of meaningful way? I suspect not.

I'm not going to dismiss his mental health issues entirely, everyone has their struggles. But they're a handy old get-out-of-jail-free card for him all the same, aren't they? You can't ever push an issue for fear of it triggering him into a spiral. So he gets everything he wants while you're on edge constantly, trying to make sure he's happy.

This guy has done you a favour, believe me. I know you're heartbroken right now but you will look back on this relationship at some point and wonder how you completely and utterly set your needs aside for someone who couldn't/wouldnt reciprocate for as long as you did.

Make yourself the priority for a change. You seem to have spent your entire life putting absolutely everyone else first. This guy. Your parents. God knows how many other people.

I do think some counselling to figure out why you have this need to please everyone else at the expense of your own well-being would be a good idea.

Best of luck with everything, and mind yourself.

YellowLead

Dial hard said it all really.

This break apart will hopefully give you some perspective. You shouldn’t need a relationship to be okay in life - one person shouldn’t be your everything. You have been a huge support to him, but maybe he saw you more as a nice friend/somebody to lean on than somebody he wanted to move in and have children and build a life with?

You need all the support you can get right now, and all the inner strength - try and take a break from worrying about him and see what decisions you make after. He's giving you an out that could be worth taking. If you’re happy being in a relationship that isn’t equal - then you might have some self esteem issues which would best be addressed long before re entering this relationship or the dating scene in general.

Wishing you all the best with your treatment and recovery.

infinitenostalgic

Thank you all so much, seriously.

There's so much that you've all said that I know deep down to be truth and you have all given me a lot to think about and to talk about in counselling.

I appreciate it and I wish all of you the best with whatever battles of your own you're fighting. We'll all get there

JoChervil

OP, you asked for real life examples, how your situation might develop.

Maybe the book by Gabor Mate "When the body says no" will provide you with few examples? At least it might make you think that your disease and his reaction were blessings in disguise to put you on the right truck for you.

Your relationship was not good for you and you will be happy in years to come that you are out of it. I know it's hard, so cry as much as you can. You will get over it. Now you have time to fully focus on yourself and your recovery.

Oscar_Madison

“We don't live together as family circumstances don't allow it”

I think you’ll find they do allow it- but at least one of you have made the decision not to progress to such a commitment. “Family circumstances” have nothing to do with two people wanting to spend the rest of their lives together- nothing at all.

It’s 7 years- I don’t know what your attitudes are to marriage but I assume that’s what you were hoping for?

As much as he’s taking a break, you need to too. Go off and do something nice for yourself - you deserve it whatever it is. You need time to decide what you want to do, achieve, where you want to live, how you want to spend your time. You’ve had a cancer scare which can’t be easy but it’s likely made you realise that things don’t stay the same forever and that time is the most precious thing.

If these are the issues today, my only question is, how worse might the issues be tomorrow? You can hold and respect the memories of this relationship forever more- but from what you’ve said, personally I think it’s time to move on with your life without him.