12 yr'o bullied, cheeky because of trauma

Milly mops

I'm worried about my 12 year old son. He's intelligent, confident, engaging, loyal, funny, kind and much loved by family.

However he left primary without any friends. It was heart breaking to see all others hugging on the final day, while he looked totally uncomfortable and couldn't get out quick enough. He has no friends at home in the park we live in. There where problems there too with a bad bunch of kids.

Irecently signed him up for a coach/psychotherapist who explained that my son has been exposed to years of bullying at school and that has impacted his behavior. He can be very cutting, angry, argumentstive , etc as defenses mechanism. I'm so sad I didn't spot the extent of the bullying and approach the school.

He was friends with some of the bullies all throughout school.

He's on a group Snapchat with the class and he's has been cutting... insulting one if the bullies hair, and cutting to others and bringing up old quarrels. I've talked to him about this asked him to come off the chat or don't engage negatively.

I'm glad I know where we are at, we've support in place and a new start at secondary to look forward to. But all the same kids who have excluded him will be there.

We'll get there with help, and he's an opportunity to re-prsent himself, with all the love snd support from home and from his coach, but I'm so worried.

airy fairy

Contact the school before it reopens to students, if you haven't already done so. Make an appointment to see the principal and his year head. They need to be made aware of what has happened so they can prepare. They need to be aware of how your son can react due to trauma, how he's seeing someone for his mental health and who these kids are.

Keeping up with therapy, possibly age appropriate CBT would be necessary to give him the tools to cope with what challenges lies ahead as regards to seeing these kids every day and how to not react and control himself. There are a lot of below standard people that claim to offer CBT so please research.

Make your son aware that this is a fresh start and between you, you will try make school a pleasant experience by communicating with each other. Step away from the Snapchat with these kids, he doesn't need them. New beginnings and all that.

Hopefully he'll find his tribe, but it may take time.

Milly mops

Thank you airy fairy, I did intend on contacting the new school but you are right, I'll be very intentful about it.

I've no doubt he will, and he'll be stronger, but its going to take time.

Hamnaa

Thanks for sharing your son’s story—it sounds like you’re taking all the right steps to support him. Bullying’s impact can be tough, but having a psychotherapist involved and encouraging a fresh start at secondary school are great moves. Building resilience and finding positive outlets, like creative hobbies or custom art from mymagicalportrait.com/, could also be uplifting for him during this transition. Wishing your family all the best on this journey

AndrewJRenko

You might want to listen to this piece from Kaitriona O'Sullivan. No easy answers but might give you some insight.

“Trauma is not an event, it’s the response to the event” on RTÉ Radio 1

https://rteradioapp.page.link/qQwz8WhaTdNuW9tF7

mclo

This sounds just like my own 12yo son. I've recently just seen some chats he posted on a Snapchat class group speaking badly about someone. When I spoke to him about it, he said that his 'friends' made him do it. He knows I check his phone (one of the rules of having it) so he wouldn't comment like that and to be honest the words he used doesn't sound like him. He says they are all calling him gay in the class including his so called friends. It's not the first time I've picked up his so called 'friends leading him on like this. He backed out of a choir concert recently as he was the only boy in 6th participating. He was physically bullied quite badly a number of years ago by one of the boys in his class on a couple of occasions but we dealt with it at the time (or so I thought). He's a kind young boy, intelligent, social and his teachers say he's a good kid and good craic to have in the class but I know he is very gullible / innocent. I'm at a loss as to what to do at the moment. He's with-drawing into himself and with secondary school looming in September I'm afraid this kind of thing will only happen again and again. My husband is the best in the world but he's suggestions are not helping!

Anyone any idea on what the next steps I should do to help him? I'm worried!

slo007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123136755#Comment_123136755

I struggled making friends in school. We moved countries and it was basically impossible to get into the existing groups of friends. But I found that other foreigners were needy too, so I always tried reaching out to them. International students, for example were easier to befriend. Only issue is that they left after a year. So I had many temporary friends!

Something else that helped was getting a job. I started working as a football referee, which allows people of almost any age to do. I got paid good money (my mom initially took me to the games) and eventually reached a level I could do secondary games, amateur and youth. Another level and I would be working university games...

I would suggest after school activities are the best solution here, as it provides opportunities for your son to meet other like minded kids (boys and girls) who are not necessarily in his school. See what sports, arts, etc. are available in the community and ask him to try out each one. The first class is usually free (if you ask nicely), so no pressure.