Advice sought for daughter emotionally hurt by transphobic mother.

The 4 Stooges

Firstly, I apolise if use a wrong word. Nothing but respect is intended.

My daughter has moved in with me last week when she turned 16 to transition. Her mother, who she lived with previously, is not supportive.

I came in from Work Friday after my new partner had taken her to the salon and clothes shopping, and we had emotional outbursts firstly when I told her she looked amazing and again when I offered to take her for a pair of shoes that didn't dig in.

Turns out she'd been treated like **** when she lived with her Ma. Being trans is a shameful secret that mustn't be shared. She'd been forced to attend religious what she calls pray the gay away sessions. Had been told nobody would accept her as a girl if she went through with it and nobody would want to be seen in public with her. Apparently there's no such thing as girls with mickeys, just boys with t*ts.

She'd fully expected me to be upset or angry seeing her with girl clothes, makeup, nails and ear studs. I've never hit her in my life but turns out she'd taken some painkillers so if I slapped her it wouldn't have hurt as much, and was speechless that I'd compliment her or go shoe shopping with her dressing pretty much the exact same way any other 16 year old young woman would.

How best to, as far as possible, reverse the damage? Mental health support? Peer groups? Or just reinforce that I, and her step-family love her and accept her how she is?

Any info on good support services in the Derry / Donegal area would be appreciated. I can afford to pay for them if necessary.

Jafin

I don't have any experience with this myself but first let me applaud you for being so open and caring about your daughter and her transition, it really says a lot about your character. Conversely, the fact her mother had an intensely opposite reaction also says a lot about her character. Parental trauma can run very deep for very long. First and foremost I would suggest getting her into counselling with a therapist/counsellor that specialises in LGBTQIA+ issues. One that specialises specifically in dealing with transgender patients would be the best idea, but I imagine they're quite rare. As for what you can do at home, just keep reassuring her that you love her and that while being transgender may be a tough road ahead for her, more people will love her than hate her.

There will always be hate in this world for people that don't fit the mould of the societal norm, but as long as she surrounds herself with the right people the love will outweigh the hate.

I realise it has been two weeks since you made this post, so I hope things have improved with your daughter and you've been able to access some services to help her.

banie01

1st of all, well done on being so open & supportive of your daughter. I am sorry that she encountered such open hatred from her mother.

Accepting change is never easy but, sometimes we just have to saddle up, strap in and support our kids as they find themselves and become the person they are destined to be.

Affording our kids at least the safe space of home, of love and support when everyone else may seem to be against them, well that's surely parenting 101 and I am sorry your daughter hit such spite and opposition.

Other than talking to other Trans parents and support groups, I can't offer you much in the way of advice. The teenage years are already fraught with uncertainty and hormonal surges and emotion. Experiencing that whilst also trans? Well I'm glad your daughter has found such openness and support with you and your partner.

On a personal note, you mentioned the below:

Apparently there's no such thing as girls with mickeys, just boys with t*ts.

That's a "joke" I've repeated myself at times, 1st heard it in I think "Ted". I am sorry I've ever repeated it. One never knows the struggles others are facing and my demeaning & dismissing it in such a manner? Is anything but helpful or supportive.

Good luck to you, your daughter and the rest of your family. She'll recover, she has ye.

Annasopra

Great to see such a supportive parent

Here's a few links that might help

The trans derry is only adult though so may not work but worth contacting anyway

https://transgenderni.org.uk/

https://www.rainbow-project.org/transderry/

https://www.belongto.org/donegal/