Preparing for the inevitable.. I haven't been to a funeral since I was a child.

sock.rocker*

It came to my mind recently that I don't actually own a full suit and I have no idea how a funeral is conducted, or what my obligations etc. would be as a son in a family.

Since I've lived around the world most of my adult life in hot countries, I just go to weddings in trousers and a shirt, none of which would be suitable for a funeral. Are black suits the done thing these days at one? I assume they are.

As for the rest, I have no idea. A wake? Who organises something like that? Carrying a coffin? And so little time to do any of this or learn?

I have not the faintest idea of any of it.

Buddy Bubs

Call your local funeral director of you need to, they look after everything.

Don't need a black suit, even for family funerals if you don't want to. Who says you have to?

sock.rocker*

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122357295#Comment_122357295

Nobody. I just assumed or had a picture in my mind. To be clear, no one has died. I'm just thinking about the future.

A funeral director would handle a lot of these things then? Are wakes a big thing? How long would one last?

phormium

You can also hire suits for funerals if you want, I would only consider a suit a requirement (and not even then essential) for very close family members and doesn't have to be black. Any of the shops that hire for weddings would do it, big business in some towns!

Other than that the funeral director organises most stuff and will guide the family regarding decisions re wake at home/funeral home etc. Wake times vary depending on crowd expected or just what the family want. I've been to 2 in recent weeks unfortunately, one at home which was on for about 4 hrs to the general public for want of a better description, other relations/neighbours would have been coming and going all day and the previous day too. It was also back to the house after the burial for the tea/sandwiches etc. Second was from funeral home and only 2 hrs long and there was nothing after burial, some people would have refreshments in a local bar/hotel. Probably more common in the country and both for the people who have travelled a long distance to have a bite of something before they head home again and also just to chat to everyone.

Awful thing to say but the 'chat' in the house after the first funeral few weeks ago was a very enjoyable time meeting up with old friends reminiscing and the memories etc, some I hadn't seen in 30 odd years, it can be nice for the family to hear old stories etc about the deceased that they may not have heard before.

thefa

Yeah a good funeral director will help organize or guide on a lot of things including typical times for the wake. From my experience, one or a handful or people from the bereaved family (or relatives) will become the point of contact with the director but also organize things outside of the funeral directors remit like invites (say if rosary at the house/food after the mass), coffin bearers, etc.

In terms of dress code, I generally wore a black suit for close relatives and family as in the ones where I would be in the first rows at the funeral. Otherwise, I’d just wear something like a nice pair of slacks/jeans combined with a smart jumper/jacket.

I am a son also. Organized the majority of my dad’s funeral not because I was the eldest but probably the best at organizing. Funeral director made it easy though. Gave the eulogy too. There’s a little bit to it alright but nothing to be worrying about in advance. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or spreading the load too when the time comes because people can be very supportive.

ebbsy

You will call the Funeral Director at the start and pay him at the end.

That's it.

Baybay

It’s good to be prepared & fantastic that you don’t need to be right now.

As already said, the funeral home will be a help to you. Also some family & friends. There may be some decisions you’d prefer to make yourself also.

Inform the chosen funeral home / director of the death. They will then do all that is necessary for the removal of your loved one from home or hospital. You will have to decide burial or cremation unless your loved one has left instructions, choose a coffin type, how to let people know etc

A wake can be at home or in the funeral home. Again, your choice. Some prefer the home private, with a more structured visiting time over maybe two evenings in the funeral home. Others like the familiarity of home & open ended comings & goings. Either way, there’s food of some sort & drinks. People are amazingly good at offering to help with refreshments.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122357330#Comment_122357330

Very true. As they say, better a good funeral than a bad wedding.

sock.rocker*

Thanks for the replies, everyone. A lot of useful information.

ancapailldorcha

I'm in a similar boat to the OP. I'm expecting a close family member to pass sometime soon. The plan is black shoes, white shirt and black trousers with maybe a reasonable jacket.

spaceHopper

When my father died, I asked my sister are we rushing this, so we pushed the wake/funeral back a day which made it fall on a Friday/Saturday, that helped.

The funeral director did most of the arrangements but my sister did look after buying the grave. (Do you have a family plot and who has the papers?)

The priest gave us a list of reading, prayers… and I did the mass book by googling them and cutting and pasting. The funeral director give us the number for a local print shop.

The local Golf Club catering manager arranged the sandwiches / tea coffee… and supplied a helper. (She was worth every penny)

I bought dark blue a suit in M&S and the guy there was huge help but I also went in early so the shop was quite.

SupaCat95

Complete opposite here OP.

From a big extended family here. There was always a great culture going to funerals. They are not always sad things particularily if the person lead a great and long life. You get to meet the cousins get career advice. Hear stories how things were better and happier when they had less. I can recount characters in my family back 5 generations that I never met.

The problem with funerals is when things are announced and move from a realistic probability to a definite certainty, events run into the back of eachother like a car pile up.

Its best to have a simple black or dark suit prepared and black shoes with black leather belt. You can use it again for another funeral it wont got to waste. Funerals happen in threes.

Buy a suit from either a mens outfitters or a department store. Get the trimmings (extra shirts, ties, belt, shoes) as well. Do not buy online custom made suits (I have some great custom ones from Hockerty) because they need another fitting by the local tailor to just get it perfect, there wont be time for that.

The funeral director is called, they have a script like a play. Its best the least amount of people are at that meeting, particularily those joustling for parts. These people want their kid singing who arent in choirs, or they want a certain position carrying the coffin based on internal rivalries. The director tries to fit people in based on the wishes of the next of kin. Its best that the person who, before they pass away says " I want. X,Y and Z done at my funeral". Then there is no conflict.

A Good funeral director has excellent people skills and the lightest touch to manage difficult personalities at the most tragic of times.

Bluespecs

It's generally good for adults to have a well-fitting black or charcoal suit in their wardrobe, with matching shoes and white blouse/shirt, all clean and ready to go for any formal occasion. It shouldn't break the bank to also have a black tie at the back of the wardrobe. When somebody passes away there is a huge amount to do and it might not be possible to get suited at short notice. It's also good to have a black raincoat in the wardrobe to match. You can always use the same suit for other less sombre occasions if you switch up the shirt and accessories for brighter colours.

yagan

Twenty years ago when my dad passed it seemed that suits were common, especially amongst his vintage. But as that vintage has died off these things have become less formal. Recently my mother in laws funeral was very casual, exactly how she would have liked it.

Like yourself I was abroad for years but when we came back it definitely felt like the old formal guard had changed.

My mother in law specified a black suit for her funeral. Not easy to get a black suit these days as most are dark navy. Caused a week of stress before I tracked a black jacket down in Penny's and a good new pair of trousers elsewhere.

So it depends a great deal on the deceased.

Bass Reeves

If it's winter time a decent black coat that can go over the suit.Whike the undertaker will have umbrella's put someone in charge of your own umbrella's, generally you cannot have enough.

There is other etiquetteor things that may make ir easier ornaments or those around you. Funerals for direct family are times of significant tension. If your parents are religious and most elderly are, and if tge death occurs at home arranging the rosary said by an older person in the house is nice.

If the person passes at home you will have the removal of the body form the house for embalming etc. This is a fairly harrowing experience and one of the hardest things to do as it will require significant manual handling and it can be awkward to move the body in and out of the house. So plan your route.

A significant number of people now bring the decreased home or even do the removal from the house. Planning helps a lot if this is happening.

At home, in the funeral parlour or church ( in rural areas if there is no nearby funeral homes many do the wake/removal from.the church. Closing the coffin is the last time you will see your family member and should be very personal moment. Everyone should be allowed to say there goodbye. Then personally I think family shoukd close the coffin. Female family members can do the lining and male members physically put on the cover if they so wish.

The last thing and I have seen people get hurt at it is letting down the coffin into the grave. In rural Ireland family members do this. Do not wind the straps around your hand they have to be fed through your hands. Make sure nobody else dose it either as they will literally have to drop the coffin at some stage and could pull the should off you. Usually the undertaker will watch for this but it no harm to watch yourself.

The other thing to remember is friend, neighbours and relatives will want help do not be afraid to accept that help. There are not being nosey or anything else they just want to help

Mac 3

One important matter that should be discussed at some stage is whether the person wishes for burial or cremation. No harm in knowing that rather than trying to figure it out just after a person has passed.