Struggling as the girl he cheated with

squidwardella

Don't really know what advice I'm asking for here, just interested to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Met a guy on a college trip and got on really well with him, spent a lot of time talking and joking with him. We ended up kissing but then his friend pulled him away to talk to him and I found out he had a girlfriend. He apologised for it the next day, nothing else happened but we spent a lot of time talking alone together and he explained to me the problems in his relationship. He also complimented me a lot and really seemed to like me and I liked him too.

Anyway, we get home from the trip and he tells me he wants to stay in his relationship so we have very little contact after that. I know what he did was really wrong but I have still just had an extremely hard time getting over him, it's hard to explain I just thought we had such a connection when we first met. I know it's stupid for me to still think about him, but I do, even months later.

So nothing really happened until three months after, I get a text from his girlfriend - (not sure if she asked him for my number or if she just looked at his phone without him knowing / I've never met the girlfriend, don't know her at all). She wanted to know everything that happened as she was trying to decide if this was something she could move on from.

Getting this text was quite stressful for me, it felt like all the pressure was on me to make or break their relationship. I sent a reply explaining everything that happened with the kiss. To be honest though, I wasn't completely truthful about the things we talked about because they included some very personal things about her and I didn't want her to know that I knew that. I know I probably should have told her and I feel slightly guilty about this but I honestly just didn't want to get into any further conversation with her.

So it's about a week later and I have no idea whether they are staying together or not (I would love to know purely out of nosiness but I can't exactly ask). Anyway, that's about it. Have just basically been feeling pretty sad because I wish I could just talk to him sometimes. Any thoughts anyone?

Ezeoul

Step away, block his girlfriend's number (and his if you have it). Don't get dragged into their relationship drama.

You kissed him not knowing he had a girlfriend, so you didn't do anything wrong.

Put this behind you and move on with your life.

Kingslayer

Cut him out of your life. You would have been his bit on the side if his friend hadn't stopped things. That is not the kind of guy you need to be with.

RurtBeynolds

My advice is to gain some self respect, and lift your standards.

thefa

I wouldn’t waste any more time thinking of him. While he explained to you problems in the relationship and personal details about her while alone and making an impression on you, he’s still with her months later. Not someone to be trusted to state the obvious.

Alexus25

"He also complimented me a lot and really seemed to like me"

That must have been such a lovely feeling. So it's hard when that stops.

I wonder do you give yourself compliments much.

Or maybe you're ready for a relationship

I know you have feelings for this guy, it's hard

From what youve said, so he cheated on his girlfriend and lied to you about being single

bwhat advice would you give to a friend if they were in your shoes

NiceFella

OP, it was a fleeting experience. Men can be very charming with other women when they're unhappy. If their was a legit connection, he would have broke up and reached out. Sounds like he wanted to escape for a night. He was just keeping your number in case things turned sour with the other girl just means you were a back up or he hadn't the balls to go in on this connection. There are plenty of men you'll have a connection with. Move on

YellowLead

You shouldn’t have engaged with the gf that’s just stiring drama. It’s not your problem if they stay together or break up. But that’s done now.
He wants to stay with his gf so there is no point in pining over him. He enjoyed the listening ear and the flattery he got from you - boosted his ego.

Would you realistically want to date somebody who would cheat on their gf? You do know what would happen next don’t you?

We’ve all fancied people we can’t have - but you don’t really know him that well. You enjoyed the flattery and the connection in the moment. It was fleeting, didn’t develop and therefore in your mind forever perfect.

evolvingtipperary101

You did nothing wrong.

They both obviously want to focus on third parties because they can’t deal with what’s going on between them.

Don't get dragged into it. They want someone else to focus on. She has no business contacting you at all. No business with your contact details whoever gave them to her…

Her boyfriend is in a relationship with her. You’re not. You owe them nothing.

You already know he’s a cheater and an emotional cheat who will reveal private details about the woman in his life…

Move on for yourself. Healthiest option.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122124957#Comment_122124957

That's incredibly harsh. She didn't know he had a girlfriend when she kissed him. Ok, you could maybe argue that she should have ended all contact at that point but it very much sounds like the guy was letting her believe there was a chance he'd end his relationship by letting her in on all their issues, etc. The very fact that the OP is beating herself up over this so much speaks volumes about the kind of person she is, imo.

OP, genuinely, you have nothing to feel bad about here. Learn from it and move on. Believe me, in a few years you'll look back and wonder what on earth you were so upset/worried about. Go easy on yourself in the meantime.

CramCycle

He kept your number as a back up plan. Someone ratted him out a few months later and he was made to come clean. More fool his own GF for staying with him after she found he still had your number. People can be very charming in small doses at the start but with rare exception, he will eventually do the same to you and you will be annoyed as deep down you know for a fact he is capable of it. It would be different if he went home and broke up within a week and then called you but this is months later with no contact. Based on him being in college, sadly, that is all you are to him. he might not even realise he is acting that way, but he is. Run a mile, delete his number, meet someone better for yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

He has been massively disrespectful to his gf. Massively. Telling you personal stuff about her. Outlining the problems in their relationship. The old "my gf doesn't understand me" line? Straight from the phrase book of cheaters who don't want to be seen as the bad guy.

And, even after all these things he told you about her, all their "problems" he's still choosing to stay with her. He hasn't broken it off with her. It's relatively easy to do at your ages. There are no commitments, mortgages, children etc.

I don't doubt he felt some connection with you. He liked you. He found you easy to talk to. But you also fell for his "poor me" BS. He didn't break it off with her, and it looks like if the relationship does end it'll be because she ended it, not him.

Be careful of him coming back telling you how it was you he wanted after all - after she's dumped him.

JoChervil

OP his relationship is doomed anyway, if his GF is asking you about his cheating. She should have asked him and solve it with him, so if she crossed the line and asked you, there is not coming back and repairing it. If she stays, this relationship will be miserable anyway.

You shouldn't have fulfilled his GF request. You were not obliged anyway. Their relationship is their problem. Why taking responsibility for other people's problems?

You are in a fantasy situation. Cheaters are able to get really close emotionally with the third party just because of the dynamic they are in. They have this "anchor" in a shape of GF, so they are not afraid of this closeness because it means nothing for them, while the third party experiences beautiful connection, which they later long for. Cheaters can easily jump away, they have this escape route ("you knew I had a GF"). So, please, don't believe in it.

Remove his number and move on. He is not a guy to build any hopes for a respectful relationship in future.

Purple Mountain

I think underneath it all, you're hoping he comes back to you?

That's not a criticism but an observation.

I'd block both, move on and don't look back.

He was an ahole to discuss private info about his relationship with a stranger and she shouldn't be bothering you.

Get rid of contact with both.

Tork

You don't know if you were the first or the last girl this guy had a deep & meaningful with. Nor do you know what happened in the lead-up to his girlfriend taking the drastic step of seeking you out. Whatever it is, she doesn't believe whatever it is he told her.

This is far too much drama for all of you. You are all at a time of your lives where you're surrounded by so many people who are the same age as you are. That won't happen again once you graduate and start working. You can't see it but you are in a great era when it comes to dating. Many of the good 'uns are still on the market and people haven't yet acquired baggage. Why would you (or the girlfriend for that matter) waste your time on somebody who has proved to be untrustworthy?