Responding to a rude/blunt person

stressed out

Hello

I have a family member that I don’t see that often but they will be staying in my house for a period of time in the next few weeks.

This person is blunt (sometimes on the rude side).
Examples of things they have said to me or others over the years.

‘You got old’.

‘You’re big-boned’

Fat-shaming comments about a baby and a child.

Conversation with her mother-in-law:

‘I’ve given you two beautiful grandchildren’

‘Ah my children are beautiful too’

‘Really? Do you think so?’

Some people may not be offended by these, but the people that were on the receiving end of them were.

There are tonnes more. I have no idea why the person is so blunt. They don’t seem to be insecure.

Anyway I’ve never really confronted them about this. It seems pointless, as I only see them very rarely and I don’t want to cause a fuss. But I do dread interactions with them and the fact they’ll be in my house for a few weeks.

I’ve looked online for witty comebacks but none are witty in an Irish way. We have a great knack at using humour to diffuse a situation and at the same time proving a point without being confrontational.

Can anyone suggest any?

My younger sister is pregnant and is very sensitive about her weight gain - she fully expects to be told how fat she’s gotten. She’s too shy to say anything so I’d just like to have some comebacks in my back pocket.

Thank you

ohnonotgmail

Don't bother being witty. It won't work on them. Fight fire with fire. Preferably even more fire.

cbreeze

a rude response will only make things worse. A polite reply on the lines of 'I'm sure you don't mean to be hurtful/rude/dismissive/offensive/insulting but you should perhaps consider people's feelings before you make a comment about them', and keep repeating it every time the person makes a comment.

Big Bag of Chips

Why will she be in your house? Someone that rude wouldn't be invited to stay in my house never mind be put up for a few weeks.

I assume it's your sister-in-law. People like her don't care. You can have all the witty comebacks you want but it won't stop her saying hurtful things again. Personally I'd go with either completely ignoring the remark and pretending I didn't hear it. Or simply saying "I find that very rude" and leaving it at that. Don't get drawn in to discussion. It is unlikely to make her stop but at least you'll let her know you find it rude. This person has been in your life for years and hasn't changed. They are unlikely to.

caviardreams

Apart from ignoring (she wants a reaction), a few options below which will help throw light on their poor behaviour to others who may be in hearing distance

Repeat it, so they have to hear it themselves, and then silence e.g. "Did I just hear you say, you got old?". Silence

"I'm not sure what you mean/sorry I don't understand" - make them double down and say it again, make them own their words, and show themselves for the person they are

"Did you mean that to be helpful or hurtful?"

"I'm unsure what your aim is in saying that?"

Hannibal_Smith

Oh I'm done being polite to people. Call her out - tell her theres no need to be rude. Why should you be polite when she's not?

stressed out

Thank you everyone for your comments. It’s a very tricky situation. They are not a typically bitchy person. This person is a different culture and they often say the insult with a giggle (sometimes not). This has been going on for years. I come from a polite, non-confrontational family. I would look like the bitch if I called this person out on their comments.
But to be honest we’ve all had enough. I will have to say something.

The reason they are staying with me, is they are here with the spouse and kids and I have the room. My sister is currently living with me due to a separation so when the baby comes there’ll be no spare rooms so that will put a stop to other people staying.

Kingslayer

I wouldn't advise going toe to toe with her in a slagging match, she sounds like she is much better at rude comments than you are, take that as a compliment. Maybe everytime she says something nasty you should leave the room, pretend you are going to the toilet or for a cup of tea or something. She might start to get the picture.

Big Bag of Chips

Is there no room with any other relations?

Could you talk to your brother about her? Tell him that if they are coming to stay then he has to talk to her about her rude comments. I'm getting too long in the tooth for putting up with nonsense like that now. I'd either have to say something to her or mention it to my brother.

By the way if you have room to fit 2 adults and 2 children I don't think adding 1 small baby in to your house is going to be enough to put them off staying in future.

BK5

Next time she is rude ask her would she like she like a box in the f***ing mouth and then just eyeball her for ages saying nothing.

Seen it done to a rude person once and after about 3 seconds they **** themselves.

Hannibal_Smith

I would look like the bitch if I called this person out on their comments.

Thisis how people get away with it. If she doesn't mean to be offensive then why do you get offended? You don't sound bitchy for telling someone who's saying you (or whoever she referred to) you look old or big boned. Surely everyone else is having the same issue with her, so why would you come out the worst for addressing it?

LimeFruitGum

The focus shouldn't be on being witty or being the right level of polite. It should be on getting this person to stop being rude while they're in your house.

If they're blunt, consider that as permission to be be blunt back. If they can dish it…

And you have the upper hand here. You have something she wants, a room. So, like with any other tenant, guest, friend staying over, you've a right to a peaceful home for as long as she is staying there.

There is going to be enough going on with the seperated sister, you, and your brother (?) & his partner, without her being verbally abusive. Here is hoping she will appreciate having a place to stay and will mind her manners.

But think about what are you prepared to do if she starts off. If you're not confident about calling her out when she is being rude in your house, then what? She'll walk all over you.

yagan

Could they be aspergers?

I have a sibling that used to cause all kinds of mayhem in our house growing up because they'd be terribly blunt without any obvious reason. It would feel like they were picking fights but there was never any malice in their intent, they just had no ability to read any room. Terribly high functioning, brilliant at specific things like maths, but unable to understand a basic pun and very impatient with anyone who couldn't see things their way. They married someone very similar.

We all learned to just accept that behavior as particular, but in adulthood I still dread having to meet up, and I certainly wouldn't have them visit.

Sonic the Shaghog

Ive said it before but Irish people are the absolute worst for this nonsense of pandering to ignorant/rude/doses of people.

"Yera no point in rocking the boat/getting into a confrontation etc but then they often spend up to an hour giving out about what said person said, having to talk to them at an upcoming function etc

You don't have to lose the head with a person but if they say something just be direct.

"Are you always this **** ignorant?" is a usual one I've started to do with these types, usually they are in shock or the odd occasion they will start to get angry letting on they've done nothing so I'll have plenty of examples and make sure to tell them I'm not the only that thinks their a "ignorant bastard" to quote Pat Mustard.

Usually I'll have family that will be shocked but then afterwards with a fair play to you etc If I'm honest Ive less respect for them cause they won't just stand up for themselves in the first place.

Any Americans, English etc I've met seem to be far far better at nipping this nonsense.

Not only that but actually the gen hassle of letting anyone stay in my house that makes me feel like this. You need to say no or stop complaining

marilynrr

agree with @Sonic the Shaghog

OP you said you'd look like a bitch if you called this out? Who is going to think you're a bitch??

You said you come from a non-confrontational family, sometimes it's important to be able to confront things. You said your younger sister is pregnant…are there any other kids in the family who witness these comments and see the upset and no one saying anything and then sees the relative get away with it every time?

Do you want them to think that that's ok? Or to develop the same non-confrontational attitude that all the adults have?

Even if there's no kids, learning to be 'confrontational' where necessary is a good life skill.

RiderOnTheStorm

simple option is the easiest to maintain …. just say "thats rude" when something is said. Dont complain. Dont explain. After you saying this a dozen times a day then she might get the idea, or at least ask whats rude and then thats your starter.

Hope the stay imporoves. Stay strong!

Redpunto

100% call her out on the behaviour. the only reason she is continuing is because she is being let away with it.

The White Wolf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122055581#Comment_122055581

You'd be surprised at how complex these things can be. Someone who is seen as popular or charming, certainly more than the focus of their abuse, can get away it due to said traits they hold. "It's just their way. Don't be so sensitive."

That being said, this doesn't sound like a situation like what I've outlined. OP you've absolutely got the right to call this person out and ask her plainly what her problem is. Culture is no excuse for this, I've known many, and worked with people, from across the world and no one culture "owns" **** like rudeness.

shimadzu

Play dumb, ask them to explain their nasty comments but pretend like you still don't understand and ask them to explain it further. A few goes of trying to explain themselves and there will be a high probability that they will keep their nasty comments to themselves.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122046800#Comment_122046800

Exactly , with a blunt ignorant person you have to be blunt and ignorant .

Pistachio19

The first time they comment rudely, call them out. The second time they comment rudely, throw them out.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122199962#Comment_122199962

then have nothing to do with them

tohaltuwi

your feelings will out at some stage, and the more time they are repressed the more extreme will be the expression when it does leap out. That’s why you need to set boundaries very early, polite and to the point at first.

campinglad

If someone says something about you physique or appearance or intellect or personality, simply say,

"Thank you for pointing out (my physical inadequacy) (the short comings in my appearance) (my lack of intelligence) (my personality defects)

it always helps to keep one's ego in check and your words will assist greatly.

If you want a dig back you can always say, "would you like a help with your ego?"

But hey, if you don't like this person, you can't respect their opinion, so REALISE this. Practice letting their words roll off you as though you are wearing a bullshit proof hazmat suit, and let them drip onto the floor where you can stomp on them like a cockroach.

JDD

If someone is blunt or rude habitually, I would try this:

• after they say it, stop what you are doing and look at them for three or four seconds;
• then ask them to repeat what they just said, in a sort of "I'm sure I misheard you" way. That means that they have to say the offending sentence again, with a lot more scrutiny on them this time. They will either rephrase what they said in a less offensive way (you win) or they have the brass neck to repeat it verbatim;
• Say "did you mean that to be helpful, or hurtful?". If they try to say it's helpful, they'll really be on the back pedal now and have to explain themselves. If they say "oh don't be so sensitive, I was only joking", just retort "jokes are meant to make people laugh. **** joke".

CramCycle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122047219#Comment_122047219

Say it politely and calmly, that conversational tone is not welcome in your house, those are the rules. Inform her she is currently welcome in your house but that no one who speaks like that will be going forward. Its not a cultural thing if they are giggling as they say it, they are being b1tchy, don't make excuses. If she cannot restrain herself, she should consider looking for alternative accomodation.

Woodcutting

What culture? Don't bother with smart answers. Just don't have them in the house.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - As the OP has not returned to the thread for quite some time, I will close it off at this point. Thanks all who took time to give advice.

OP, if you want the thread to be reopened at any time, please drop a PM to me, or any of the PI mods.
All the best.
Hilda