Keeping away from toxic in laws

BookWorm245

Is It okay to want to keep my kids away from toxic in laws, in particular both of my toxic sister in laws?

I am a mother of 3 and my husband and I have been married 10+years, we get on extremely well and have a good solid relationship, however my husbands two sisters are nothing but pure toxic and have been since the day I met them. I seen right through their falsehood a long time ago when my husband and I first started dating so I always kept my distance from both of them, just attended family functions etc, chatted to them but never got too close because I knew they could turn on you as quick as they would look at you!

Since we had the kids they had started being around us abit more but again I always kept a decent distance from them out of wanting to stay away from their drama, which they always seemed to have some sort of drama going on.

The annoying thing is, is that any time they fall out with my husband over any stupid thing which has happened quite a few times over the years they automatically drag me into it even though I barely have anything to do with them, they always find a way to implicate me and it pisses me off! My husband has never dragged his brother in law into any argument with his sister or spoken bad about him but yet it's done to me all the time. It feels like they just want a reason to drag me into their drama even though I have no involvement nor want to be involved and I don't even speak bad about them I'm just not interested in either of them.

The latest thing they fell out with my husband for was related to another family member and it was 6 months ago, as pathetic as it was I kept out of it like I always have, like usual they snub me in shops etc, however they now snub my kids if they meet them, they have started referring to our kids as my kids to my husbands parents and are causing mayhem if my mother in law calls to our house to babysit, screaming down the phone at her saying why is she minding my kids for me when I'm not family which is completely childish thing to say to their own granny.

This has been going on and off with them for the past 6 months, the nastiness, the unnecessary drama and the pure ignorance. I have always sent a birthday card for my husbands nieces and nephews and small present at christmas to his parents house for them regardless if we aren't on speaking terms with his sisters, but I stopped this year because the same sentiment is never returned, they haven't given any of my kids as much as a card for birthdays or even a text to wish them a happy one!

We have absolutely nothing to do with them at present however just recently one of my husbands sisters randomly text him out of the blue ( he hasnt heard from her for 6 months) as she had a falling out with their parents. She went into a big rant giving out about his mum and dad to him but he didn't want to engage with her so he never replied, a week later she sent him another message about them, he still didn't reply, now they are telling people that I have barred him from having anything to do with them and that I'm controlling him and they haven't seen their niece and nephews all because if me. Iv never stopped them, they just have never bothered, and further more I have never ever stopped him from ever having anything to do with his family. That's his choice not mine, I just don't want to personally myself because I don't care enough about them to get involved in their drama. It's just maddening that yet again they are dragging me into the equation for no reason whatsoever and I feel like they are slandering me.

Because of this I feel it's best to cut all contact myself with all of them bar his parents as I have a good relationship with them, and I feel that I don't want my kids to be involved with any of them either, I don't want my kids around toxic ness like that, but am I right to do this?? My husband said he doesn't want the kids involved with them but I don't want anymore drama either or lies being spread about me!!! Has something like this happened to anyone before and if so please let me know what ye did. ???Thanks

taxAHcruel

All you can control is your own actions and choices and agendas. If you as a couple feel the right choice for your kids is to not have these Aunts in their life then commit to that and proceed.

Second guessing yourself based on what drama and/or lies these women might then engage in - is unlikely to be useful to you. Especially as - if your descriptions and accounts are correct - they are likely to find drama and lies to engage with no matter what you do or do not do in your life anyway. So second guessing this is a game you will not win either way.

Be true to yourself and your kids - represent yourself to the highest standard you can in any interactions you find yourself in - do not generate any drama or gossip of your own in retaliation - and hopefully life will come good in the end.

Pistachio19

You are right to keep your kids away. If you don't want anything to do with them as they are toxic, then it wouldn't make sense to allow your kids to have a relationship with them. Your husband is right not to engage in their mind games and to have as little to do with them as possible. From experience, no contact would be my suggestion for all of you. Invite the parents-in-law to your house for visits to minimise the possibility of bumping into the sisters at in-laws house.

Incidentally how do you know they are telling people that you have barred your husband from having a relationship with them? Whoever is relaying this information back to you needs to be told that there are clearly 2 sides to every story and that your family's mental health is more important to you than putting up with the sisters ridiculous carry on.

BookWorm245

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122021660#Comment_122021660

Thank you for you're comment, your right I can only do what's right by myself and my kids and I think cutting all ties from them altogether is what is the right thing to do. I know they are just being petty and trying to start unnecessary trouble but I'm better off not feeding into it. Thanks again.

BookWorm245

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122021803#Comment_122021803

Thank you, yes I agree I think cutting all ties is the best thing to do for us, I can't be putting up with their drama. My husband and his brother in law have the same circle of friends it was told back through one of them to my husband.

Dial Hard

If they're as bad as you say then everyone else already likely know what they're like and knows that their version of events is just more of their bull. Ignore and move on.

BookWorm245

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122021985#Comment_122021985

Thanks I know I think that is the best thing to do moving forward. They can't fake it forever with people, so hopefully anyone they have told lies to will see through them eventually like I did years ago!

Kurooi

Do the sisters have families of their own? Would cutting them out inevitably cut out uncles/cousins to your children too?

You are right, their behavior there, bringing in kids and referring to you as not family, is many steps too far. Keep in mind it's your husbands sisters, so he has to be making the decision ultimately.

I have over the years limited contact with some family myself, it's quite simple to do really without stirring drama, just dodge functions. Sorry got a stomach bug. Nope my car is in the garage that weekend. It's our anniversary dinner. You really only have to do that a few times until people stop seeking you out. The drama loving kind, you just can't indulge them. Give them no drama. Make your excuses and your life sound as boring as possible.

Big Bag of Chips

If you don't speak to them and your husband fell out with them 6 months ago, how do you know what they're saying about you? Who are they saying it too?

Deeply unpleasant people tend to be deeply unpleasant around most people. So, as Dial Hard above says it's very likely most people know exactly what they're like, and take no notice.

If your friends are coming back telling you what they're saying then I'd ask your friends to do two things.

1. Stop listening to them.

2. Stop bringing the stories back to you.

Talk to whoever is telling you these things and tell them to that you'd rather not hear stories back. None of it is true and it only upsets you hearing what they're saying. Whoever is bringing the stories back to you should respect that.

You won't ever change them, but if you truly do want to avoid them and their drama then you need to stop listening to stories about their drama.

spaceHopper

Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with his mother. Tell her you've always stayed out of their arguments with your husband but they you aren't happy that they are saying nasty things about you and you wanted her to be aware of it and you hope she doesn't mind but they you will be limiting your contact with them. Reassure her that she is always welcome in your house and that you and her grandkids will always be there for her. Suggest that if they call her while she's baby sitting to let it go to voice mail.

89897

Honestly I think cutting them out will fuel them further. Continue doing what you're doing and have nothing to do with them. Dont give them an inch, as other posters have said, i guarantee everyone knows exactly what they are like.

Also ask however is sending you back the info about what they are saying to stop, that you've no interest and go about your life.

People like them would absoluetly love the drama of being able to say you've cut them out and that you're the bad guy because of it.

marilynrr

Are your kids close to their cousins? Is it possible to cut out the aunties while still facilitating a relationship between the children? Probably unlikely if the kids are young but it would be easier if the kids are older.

My exes family are always falling out with each other, but as the kids are teenagers now they can often make their own arrangements to see each other.

Tough situation because I would really want to cut out the toxic aunties but wouldn't want the kids to miss out, but then if it's really negatively affecting you could be left with no choice but to cut them out.

I had some issues with my exes family and when I'm in a great frame of mind I wouldn't care at all about what they say and it's like water off a ducks back, and then when I wasn't doing great mentally I found it very upsetting and triggering to have any contact with them so a lot comes down to what you can handle.

LimeFruitGum

Personally, I'd be very cautious about talking to your mother-in-law. While you may have a good relationship with your MIL, these women are still her daughters. How can you be sure that they won't find out about that conversation, and twist it into all sorts of knots?

What these two thrive on is information. So make sure they don't get any. Keep staying out of it. They're your husband's family, he has to be the one to manage them and his parents, and not you.