Mother dragging heels with buying - worried I'll end up with her living with me!

heretothere

As harsh as it sounds I am getting very worried my mam is going to be living with me for her whole retirement and that is not something I am happy about!! Sorry I know I sound like a cow.

She is now mid 50s so massively running out of time to buy a house. But she has a decent salary and house prices are still low where she is. Although she won't be able to afford what she thinks would be the right house in the right location for her. She is just too old, she can't get a long enough mortgage. So there has to be a certain give somewhere. But she is being inflexible. That the 'right one will come up' but the clock is marching on.

She lived with her mother until 10 years ago, when my Gran died, before that she had lived with a partner or two and never got herself on the property ladder or saved for herself or thought about her future. She got about €15k inheritance. At the time I tried to convince her to buy a house but she 'wasn't ready' so has been renting since, very annoyingly house prices have nearly doubled in her area since! But I don't harp on about that. With rent getting higher and higher to the point where she is now paying €1,200 per month which when she retires will just not be feasible.

I am nagging her and I feel bad for going on but honestly without me pushing her she would have done f**k all about she now has a reasonable deposit and I have offered to her another 15k on top of it.

Is there anything I can do to motivate her? Or resign myself to the fact she will be living with me when she can't afford rent any more?

Pauliedragon

Is it possible she's purposely running down the clock so you have to take her in eventually? Even subconsciously. I've come across people who have refused help for no apparant reason.

Hannibal_Smith

Despite living with a partner or two, she's living on her own for the past 10 years? Has she said she hopes to live with you in her retirement years? She's only in her 50s so has about 10 years left before retirement. Who knows what kind of schemes or systems will be in by then. If you've suggested she buy and she doesn't want to, there's really not much more you can do to 'motivate' her. Equally you shouldn't resign yourself to the fact that she'll necessarily be living with you. She's managed independently up until now albeit living with your grandmother, but maybe that was a mutually convenient situation? I wouldn't stress about it now.

heretothere

She has managed, yes, but I think she is at a bit of a last chance saloon point with getting a mortgage.

She says she wants a house.

I don't think she really wants to live with me, but she knows I will 'fix it' we have a very backward parent - child relationship, I know that's not healthy but hard to break.

The partners - one was my father, one was an ass hole who IDK what was going on - even though I lived in the house.

elperello

Would the idea of pooling your resources be acceptable ?

Perhaps purchase a property with two separate living areas or with the potential to divide.

I've seen this working well for a few people

The separate front doors seems to be what makes it work.

The support and assistance that's needed in later years is available but also an element of independence.

RurtBeynolds

Just be blunt. Tell her you won't be putting her up at any time so she needs to sort herself out.

She doesn't live with you now, and she won't unless you let her. So I don't see the problem tbh so long as you are honest with her about this. She's an adult and will have to live with her choices.

heretothere

@elperello I have a house with my husband and children. It's a few hours away from where she lives. But I have thought of maybe buying a house in joint names or just mine. But if I got it in just my name I'd be worried about having to pay income tax on the rent she'd be paying me. I think legally that'd be the case. Also if she defaults it's on me.

@RurtBeynolds I have jokingly said things like it'll be one of the old cattle sheds for her if she doesn't get sorted. I think even if I told her under no circumstances would I live with her I'd hardly see her evicted and on the streets when she's retired in her 70s (which is 13 yrs away)

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122017668#Comment_122017668

There are older living properties popping up everywhere now. How you avail of them I'm not sure, but might be worth looking in to. You never know with all the schemes that are out there what options are available ir that might suit/appeal to her

Donald Trump

Maybe she calculates that has enough of a pension or personal savings to spend down over her retirement.

heretothere

@Hannibal_Smith there is one of those in her town. I have suggested she gets on their waiting list. She says 'she will'

@Donald Trump I wish that was the case - it is not. She won't be in the very worst situation and will have a tiny private pension. But no where near enough to be paying the sort of rent she is paying now. Unless you get HAP then?

Purple Mountain

As others have said, you've done your bit. You can't change a habit of a lifetime.

It sounds like you have a farm with your husband. If you were agreeable to have her in your surroundings but not under your roof, you could have it in the back of your mind for a log cabin on your land if it comes to that.

Even If you and husband financed it and it was in your names and when mam RIP, it would be there for your kids/weekend rental etc.

marilynrr

@heretothere

 But I have thought of maybe buying a house in joint names or just mine. But if I got it in just my name I'd be worried about having to pay income tax on the rent she'd be paying me. I think legally that'd be the case. Also if she defaults it's on me.

If it was in both names it could also be impacted by the fair deal scheme if she later needed to go into a care home.

heretothere

@marilynrr could it stop her getting to use fair deal? If we were joint tenants. I do wonder what will happen if she doesn't have a house and needs to go into a nursing home. A house would be a good asset there for her security.

GloriaBog

So sad to read this, but I don't think you'll be able to refuse your mam in her time of need when it comes to it. Have you other brothers or sisters who can help? Getting her own place mightn't work either as she could be lonely. We had to deal with the nursing home scheme a while back. The best thing moneywise for her and you is for you mam to have little savings and house etc

The real issue here is that she has parentified you.

This is her problem to solve.

You don't believe that, you truly believe it is your problem, but I'm telling you it's not, and you're not responsible for her. Are your children responsible for where you live? Of course not. That's insane right? It's your job to look after them.

Take a step back and consider getting some therapy to erect some boundaries in your head with your mother. You are absolutely not responsible for her. She's a young woman in her 50s. She's not 90 and infirm.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122018345#Comment_122018345

But you can't force her to buy one. If you've had a number of conversations with her about it and she'll do nothing, that's as much as you can do unfortunately.

Would you think that you like to have things mapped out and she's a bit more ad hoc?

SVI40

She's an adult who has refused to look after her future. No one's problem but her own.

holliehobbie

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122018345#Comment_122018345

I think what happens is the paying off the scheme doesn’t happen when she’s still alive.

amdublin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122018663#Comment_122018663

Why can't you refuse your mam?

If you don't want someone living with you you need to say no to that happening

Shauna677

An apartment will prob be ideal for her. Just herself and shed have her independence too.

LimeFruitGum

Long shot, but would she consider buying with a friend? Not an easy option at any age, in fairness.

An old colleague of mine was a bit like that. Completely "la la la la" about the concept of mortgages. He loved where he lived, and he knew he couldn't afford to buy in the area, so why bother. It took a few people to knock it into his head that he needed to buy a flat, as he was in his late 50s and retirement was looming. Unexpectedly, he inherited a large enough sum from his father that he could be a cash buyer for a 1-bed. If it weren't for that, he had agreed to go halves with another workmate friend on a 2-bed.

heretothere

@GloriaBog I'm an only child, no I won't see her stuck. Her in a cabin on our land is a possibility but I don't think she'd be happy here. She is used to living in town, and I live 3 hours from that town.

@Mystery Egg oh, it has caused me quite a few issues around zero boundaries which I now have a better grasp on, but clearly still very bad ones! When I was in college and she was in a well paid professional job she would call me for a 'loan' and if I said no she would guilt me that it was for health this or that for my grandmother and 'all she had sacrificed for me'. When I lived abroad I didn't hear from her. But we have built a better relationship the last few years

@LimeFruitGum I really don't think that'd be a possibility. Any of her friends wouldn't be that close to her any more and even if they were they all have their own houses. Zero chance of a large inheritance coming her/ my way to get us out of this.

spaceHopper

If she's over 50 she can take some money out of any pension she has and use that as a larger deposit or a place. Has she one?