Husband caught sexting- for the second time

affectionate_oven

hi all, I’m feeling really low and lonely and I’m don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m living abroad with my husband and have recently found out he’s been sexting a colleague. It’s been going on for months and I had initially found out about it about 7 months ago- I gave him another chance, but in my gut I knew it was still going on..and found out evidence just a few days ago. What the kicker is, is that we are currently in couples therapy trying to fix our marriage. That bit really stings as I’ve been trying so hard to make things work. Our sex life has been pretty non existent for months now but He blames it working a very stressful job. My whole life seems to be upside down and the hardest part is, I still love him so much (as pathetic as that sounds). I hadn’t told our therapist about the inital sexting as I hadn’t want to throw him under the bus and had wanted to believe the sexting had been a one time occurrence. We have now come clean to our therapist and told her what’s really going on. She says she can help us build back the trust, but I don’t know if I ever can? Has anyone else gone through this and survived? It’s such a hard place to be- feeling angry/wanting it to work..I’m so lost

taxAHcruel

Not too much advice to give I am afraid without knowing a hell of a lot more but a couple of comments did jump to my head all the same.

The first is that I would not be so quick to view loving someone despite their behavior as "pathetic". Actually quite the opposite. The fact Love can survive adversity, doubt, hardship, failures, wrongs and more is a testament to it's strength and power. Perhaps sometimes it would be better for our own well being if it would just "switch off" entirely when someone wrongs us badly. It reminds me of a Josh Ritter lyric "The heart has no bones, just so it won't break, the purpose of loving, is for the pounding it can take".

The second is that it often surprises me that people will go to any kind of medical profession and withhold information that could be pertinent to that professional. Sometimes we do that for fear of judgement, or embarrassment, or because we deem it to be unimportant, or we feel that by saying something out loud it will make it real. Dr. House on the TV show said "every patient lies". But often the reason we go to a professional is because we do not know what the information means or how to process it or deal with it. So we should not be the arbiter of what the professional needs to know. So in general if you are going I would suggest "come clean" entirely about everything up front.

Can it work, can it survive, has anyone survived it and fixed it before? The answer to all this is YES. It can. But can is not the same as "will". Some survive it some don't. Some fix it some don't. And this being the internet there will likely be a string of "Dump him and move on" comments.

All you can do is A) Decide if you want to try and if so B) Try. If you are looking for certainties or guarantees - there are none alas.

Tork

Relationships can survive such things but it is largely dependent on both parties wanting to repair it. Is your husband genuinely invested in trying to save your marriage? No is the only answer I can come up with here. Sexting somebody else when you're allegedly trying to save your marriage sounds like him taking the piss to be honest. I can't help but think he's going through the motions to avoid a messy and costly break-up, rather than any genuine motivation to improve your marriage.

Apiarist

If you husband cannot stop sexting, why not join him? Tell him to create a WhatsApp group where you three (or four if you want to involve someone extra) discuss hot stuff you would do to each other. I bet you will see soon enough that this will turn your husband off any sexting in the future. Or it may lead to some beautiful friendship, who knows?

DellyBelly

Is it only sexting? They are not catching up for trysts (no affairs). If so it isn't really cheating. Not nice for you but at least it's not as bad as if they were catching up…

reclose

it depends on what you are willing to accept in the relationship.
I would end a relationship if it happened once but we all have different values.

SuperBowserWorld

"He blames it working a very stressful job."

Hmmm

Apiarist

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122010939#Comment_122010939

Sorry, I don't agree. Unless you are in an open relationship, sexting with someone you know is definitely cheating. I would be less categorical about sexting with strangers in another country or in some kind of game online, as long as there is no chance of actual personal meet. But sexting a co-worker? Definitely cheating.

Ted222

I think you need to sit him down and have a serious heart to heart about whether he actually wants the marriage to survive. Why is trying therapy if he can’t even stop sexting?

You need to be willing to accept that you may not like the answer but at least you can deal with it.

LetticebCivil

Very hard betrayal for you to deal with. I wish you well.

affectionate_oven

thank you for your kind and thoughtful message- it’s so helpful just to have someone to communicate with on the subject as I feel if I tell my friends/family their is no going back on their opinions of him (and could cloud my judgement)- feeling alone in all of this, in a foreign country is very hard. He says he wants this to work, and so do I. I know hiding information from our therapist was unhelpful and I’m glad now all of our “secrets” are out there and real progress might begin. The other hard thing is having such mixed feelings of betrayal/anger- but then wanting things to be better and move in the right direction. It’s just a lot of feelings, and I’m not sure how to process them all. Thanks again to all for your replies (making me feel less alone)

Tork

affectionate_oven said "He says he wants this to work, and so do I. "

Do you think he genuinely means this? I get that you desperately want to save your marriage but are you sure you're not wearing blinkers? He is choosing to continue this inappropriate sexting, which he knows is wrong.

StevenToast

If theres no kids involved...get rid of him...

If there is kids involved...its more tricky...tell him to grow up and be a man...

marilynrr

 We have now come clean to our therapist and told her what’s really going on. She says she can help us build back the trust, but I don’t know if I ever can?

It's your husband who needs to build up your trust, and it's a pretty bad sign that even while undergoing therapy he's been sexting the colleague again. No point in the therapist working on building up the trust if your husband is untrustworthy and doing stuff he shouldn't be doing.

You said your sex life is non existent but yet he's sexting this colleague, so does he admit to having some kind of libido and masturbating to the texts or what is he trying to claim was going on? Are you 100% sure he hasn't cheated physically? It seems hard to believe that he'd just be sexting this colleague over a period of time and just going into work and seeing her and they are just acting like nothing happened.

Even if it's 'just' sexting, I would see this as cheating.

What are the reasons you are in couples therapy for?

affectionate_oven

we had been living apart in different countries before I moved over here to be with him and had drifted apart- as can happen when doing long distance. We were doing couples therapy to try build back up our relationship. This “friendship” with his colleague started whilst I was still in our home country..it’s just all so sad. I feel so exhausted and anxious. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. We have been together a long time but only married a short while

reclose

what would you say to a friend if they came to you with a similar situation?

affectionate_oven

I don’t know- relationships/marriage is complicated and can take alot of work. I just don’t know if I have the heart to go through this, I’m utterly heartbroken and devastated and that is very exhausting. I just feel like going to sleep and never waking up. It’s up to him now to do the work, build back my trust but I just don’t know if he will commit, so far he obviously hasn’t. It’s not easy to just walk away from a marriage if it’s someone you love deeply. I don’t know.

extra-ordinary_

Your husband has been continually dishonest and doesn't seem to realise the damage being done to your relationship - that is, if he cares that much about your relationship. You moved countries to be with this guy?

Zak Flaps

Doing it once, this can be forgiven. But twice? That's taking the piss. I would leave the guy.

Augme

Are you also seeing a therapist on your own? If not, I'd strongly advise starting now.

You need to look at your relationship with your husband

& ask yourself why he feels the need to do this!

Sleeper12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122010925#Comment_122010925

This may have the opposite effect. Hubby may love the idea. It could in some situations improve their sex life, sharing this experience

affectionate_oven

I had a therapist at home but don’t see them anymore-but I might try get a new one over here. I do think there is a deeper reason he did it, that being that he felt we had drifted (not much of an excuse), but people act out their pain in weird ways. He had been over here on his own for a long time and I further delayed my move over for my own personal reasons. He didn’t cope well with the loneliness- again, I know I’m making excuses but just trying to further explain the situation and his reasoning. Still just inexcusable- I understand the betrayal when I wasn’t here, but to do it when I’m here, trying to make things better..is a an absolute piss take. Like I said, my emotions are so over the place (anger, fustration….but then wanting it not to be over 😞)

Sleeper12

My personal belief is that it's very close to cheating. I'd vent to say that I believe most people sexting someone they know will usually end up fully cheating. Sexting a stranger online I'd see slightly different in that there far less chance this ends up fully cheating.

It's easy for people to say dump him but living in the situation is totally different to judging someone online.

I have no advice but I'm sending you hugs and I really hope things work out in the end ❤️

Oscar_Madison

No harm in you coming back home for a few weeks to family and friends on your own to give yourself some head space?

I guess you probably know yourself the state of your relationship - whether you’re always arguing or even just not saying very much to each other outside of the mundane?

Yes sexting isn’t very nice at all - but if it’s only that then I think if both of you want to repair the relationship it’s possible - but you need to talk to each other and be honest about your feelings - and he needs to realise just where his behaviour will likely land himself- either he’s acting like a teenager for whatever reason or he’s checked out of the relationship - he can’t have his cake and eat it but right now he’s behaving as though he can .

Not sure how you’re fixed financially or what impact a separation would have on your current living situation etc - it’s much harder thing to deal with when abroad - maybe have the hard conversation with him first , then come home and think about next steps

Redpunto

that’s definitely cheating and breaking your trust. Wouldn’t be surprised that there’s more going on than u know.

kowloonkev

Why not go to his office and confront the woman. Let her know in no uncertain terms that it will become a public matter if she doesn't leave him alone.

Not saying it's more her fault than his, but when she knows her reputation and job maybe on the line, women are usually more rational than men.

bb1234567

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122010939#Comment_122010939

I find these kind of definite cut offs people make to be funny. The woman is hurt/betrayed/trust broken, I really don't see how that is made any better by what did or did not happen to make her feel that way. And there are complexities to it, seeing 'just sexts' between by boyfriend and somebody he clearly had a crush on/romantic feelings for it would hurt me a hell of a lot more than a one off drunken hookup with a stranger in a foreign country or some such scenario. But that's just me

gsi300024v

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122010978#Comment_122010978

I wouldn't define it as cheating, but I'm sure he saw how upset you were the first time he did it and he's chosen to keep doing it with a work colleague he knows. Sex drive for her and not you? Have you thought it might be an addiction and he needs address that, there are 12 step groups for it, if he is saying I won't do it again, ask how he intends to prove it our reassure you, this would seem a valid question or request since he went back on purely his word the last time, you don't want to be policing this though either. You might want to question yourself, maybe therapy just for you, why do you love someone who does this? Problem you break up and some other person comes along and treats you similarly, we seem to find same types unless we change, we find them without looking.

You might not want the therapist saying ah here leave him thats why you didnt want to be sort of held accountable. Therapists are often seen as a way of fixing things, often its too late by time people go and its more making it ok to break up than fix anything.

You caught him twice, he'll have tried harder to hide it from you after 1st time, so how often has he actually done it?

«Mod snip»
Please note that it is against the PI charter to ask for updates.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - As the OP has not returned to the thread for some time, I will close it off.

Thanks all who took time to give advice. OP if you want the thread reopened at any time, in the future, please PM me, or one of the other PI mods.

All the best.
Hilda