Feeling indifferent about long distance relationship

eaglach

I've been long distance dating someone for about 6 months now. It started out as him messaging me on a dating app maybe a year ago while he was visiting Ireland. We kept in contact and it never popped into my head that he could be possible partner because of the distance, but it was nice to chat (practically daily!). Then one day he mentioned the possibility of us dating and then it suddenly hit me that this could be a thing!

I decided to meet him when I was on holidays and it went really well. We've been "dating" since and are effectively in a relationship for 4 months now. We try to see each other every 6 weeks which has worked okay so far. I do find some aspects difficult. We only are able to video call once or twice a week because of the time difference. When we do get to see each other for our week long trips, then it becomes an intense experience where we effectively live with each other and see each other 24/7. I feel

I'm happy to have him in my life and cannot say a bad word about him, but I constantly have doubts about us. He is very intense in his affection and I just cannot match his energy. He showers me with compliments and would be a very tactile person, again something that's a bit alien to me. I've never really had a proper relationship in my life (I'm in my mid-thirties) so it's very difficult for me to gauge if I'm unsure about him or if it's just who I am and my general apathy to dating. I've been told (and am aware myself) that I don't get excited about anything in life, not just in dating.

I don't know if it's my personality, the long distance nature of the relationship or maybe just there being no 'thrill of the chase' with him as he was always chasing me!

How do I remove these doubts or how can I be sure that I am not wasting his time? There's nothing wrong with with him (in fact he's perfect - successful, handsome, caring, selfless, interesting), but there's nothing that truly excites me about it either.

drury..

Sounds like too much intensity and compliments

Id probably let him off if you haven't the interest

Princess Calla

You cant force feelings.

I've walked away from relationships that on paper were perfect but I felt something was missing as I just didn't get an emotional buzz.

If you're not feeling it, let him go.

YellowLead

Unmatched energy means it’s won’t work, regardless of long distance. If one person is more into the other or moving things at a faster pace/more intense forget it. Both have to be on the same page.

Long distance rarely works successfully. I know one girl who is doing it successfully, but she is very experienced with relationships and knows what she is doing (meeting often and having the option of moving work wise helps). Apart from that one example it’s usually lonely people who are a bit desperate and can’t find dates in real life. You have to question why he’s being so intense.

I think if you are questioning things, deep down you know it’s not right. But it’s a good learning experience for what you want and don’t want in a relationship, if you want one.
Since he’s being intense I doubt he’ll be okay with friendship, but maybe that is what this was more suitable as. I’m sure there are services where you can find people to chat to, penpals if you will, online that isn’t dating.

eaglach

What if what I'm feeling is as good as it gets? What if I'm chasing deeper emotions that I'm just not capable of experiencing?

I've dating many people in the past but they've never gone anywhere, largely because I've felt zero spark. I certainly feel a strong connection with the guy I'm dating now, more than anyone I've ever dated before. But I feel like I'm comparing myself to everyone else, but I'm not like everyone else.

Dial Hard

You've had a number of threads here about your dating issues over the years, have you ever considered talking to someone about your difficulties? It's clear you're not sure what you want and it might be helpful to delve into why that is with someone who's qualified to help you.

Fwiw, I have very strong feelings about long distance relationships. Whatever about an established relationship having to go long distance for a while, I have absolutely no idea why anyone would actively choose to start out that way. I think you know that this isn't working for you, and I don't blame you.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121992060#Comment_121992060

I don't know if my problems are real or if it's me just overthinking things. I've made so many posts over the years about dating problems I've had where most people would just get on with dealing with the issues themselves. I don't even know who to talk to, or even what I would be asking them about specifically.

Long distance is not really an issue for me. I've be single for most of my life so it's not a big issue for me not seeing him for a few weeks at a time. He could live 30 minutes from me and I think I might feel the same way.

PmMeUrDogs

I've read some of your previous threads, and I'm not entirely sure what to advise you.

All I see from your posts is that they all tie into a theme of wanting to hide your sexuality. You're "out" if I remember correctly? But then do everything in your power to hide that you're gay. You think the vast majority of gay men are 'camp,' and will only date stereotypically masculine men who "pass" as straight and have even said in one situation it's because you wouldn't want the general public to assume you're a couple.

This seems to tie into this post as it seems you have an awful habit of avoiding any genuine, long term connections with men, and it's probably something you should seriously consider speaking to an LGBTQ-friendly therapist about.

Ultimately though if you're not into this guy enough, you're not into him enough so ending it is probably best. But I hope if you do that, you also speak with a professional because you might have the opportunity to be much happier in dating if you do. All the best :)

eaglach

Thanks everyone. I think I need to bite the bullet and talk to a professional. I've been having related issues for too long now and I guess I can't continue to rely on internet strangers to help me, even though the advice is appreciated.

eaglach

I've been dating someone for a year now, long distance. We've flown back and forth a number of times and have very much enjoyed the time we spent together. We are in contact all the time, messaging very continuously every day. As well as that, we have weekly video calls and the occasional phone calls.

He seems like he is head over heels for me and has already told me he loves me. I am nowhere near feeling this way and just generally feel like things are going "okay". It's the longest relationship I've ever had and to be honest it's been the best one too.

I'm not very good at developing strong emotional connections with people I date, and I'm not emotional in general. In my family we never talk about our feelings, don't kiss, don't hug. I think it's just how we are.

If this was a relationship where he lived a 15 minute drive away I would have no problem continuing things. But given that it's long distance, there's an added challenge and risk to it all. One of us would have to move, likely retrain for our professions in either country, leave our friends and family behind etc. I am not ready for that, but at the same time I think we need to be closer together to see if it would work.

I am also a very independent person and enjoy my alone time. Whenever we visit each other I find it very intense as we are practically living together for this time.

I know the above sounds very negative, but I'm just highlighting the issue I'm having. He's the nicest most caring person, intelligent, has an excellent job, good looking etc. etc.

Is something like this worth risking if I'm only feeling "okay" about the relationship while he's willing to risk it all for me?

Hannibal_Smith

OP I've merged your new thread with your older thread as it seems to be about the same relationship and it will help posters with context when offering advice

HS

YellowLead

Talking every day (albeit long distance) with somebody you feel ‘meh’ about seems like a waste of time. Are you lonely?

Jim_Hodge

Your concerns haven't changed in 6 months. Time to cut ties and move on the a relationship you actually feel comfortable and happy with.

tara73

could it be he's just into gaining irish(european) citizenship? you never said where he's from. But being so intense, showering you with compliments from the beginning not really knowing you at all, very keen keeping contact every day. Just an idea because you havn't given much info on his situation and especially where he's from at all.

you also wrote he's willing to risk it all for you. what is he risking for you??

Whole thing sounds weird to me.