Ripping my heart out

Jim kirk

I recently found out that my wife's been having an emotional affair. It's been going on a while and I tried not to think too much of certain things but there came a point when she was mentioning him so much than anyone else it made me anxious.

Just silly things like x says, x had me in stitches, I can have a great laugh with x on lunch. This then graduated to more and more giggling after the odd text to texting at all hours.

Slowly I could see the phone which was likely to be found anywhere (sometimes needing to be called cos it hadn't been seen in a while) became like a wedding ring. It was rarely not at hand.

Then the phone would ping at odd hours and it would be tilted away quite obviously from anyone's view.

We've been together a long time and part of me said it's understandable that maybe you'd see the grass as greener. So thinking of a way not to lose her my emotions got the better of me and I came straight out one day and said you're very close with him. She answered yes so I told her how I feel and that if she ever wanted to be more than just a friend I can understand and if she was open with me we could come to an arrangement. I know that sounds stupid but I thought I'd rather see her happy than not see her at all.

She said there's nothing there sure what would he want with an aul one like me. Its turned me into an awful person that I don't like. I've checked her phone which made me feel like a real s**t but on that phone are a lot of flirty texts back and forth and it's ripped my heart out that she turned down the offer of speaking openly with me. I don't know what to do anymore. Every second of the day I'm left thinking has it gone further than a flirt has there been any follow up on the innuendo. Why is she hiding it from me.

I'm not this kind of person. I'm not someone who sneaks looks at people's phone or is consumed by things

Jim kirk

Just looking for advice on what to do

Jim kirk

Texts are now on silent and I feel so bad for having looked and even worse at what I've seen.

He's been in our house on multiple occasions which she's never told me about but I can't stop thinking I'm too late or I'm not enough. Not even enough to be worth an open discussion.

Furze99

I dunno but I'd have thought there's been a significant breach of trust there. If this chap has been invited around and you didn't know, even if it was only for a coffee or whatever. Is he a work colleague?

You can't really live like that together if there's no real clarity as to what is or isn't going on.

Only you can decide what your priorities are though, to stay together regardless and/or sit down again and explain just how hard this is on you. Avoid any accusations. You need to clear the air one way or another.

pgj2015

Dont feel bad for checking her phone, you didnt do anything wrong there, it would be different if you checked it without a reason for doing so.

I wouldnt have said that about coming to an arrangement, no way, tell her to cut it out or end it with her, plenty more fish in the sea.

JustJoe7240

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121898587#Comment_121898587

I appreciate you're probably trying to make the OP feel better but to say he didn't do anything wrong is total bollix, It's a complete breach of trust.

Dial Hard

I don't mean to be harsh, OP, but what in the world were you thinking when you basically told her you were OK with an open relationship??? Because a) I don't believe for a second you actually are, and b) you've made it almost impossible for you to revisit this and tell her that it is, in fact, an issue for you. The minute you bring it up again she'll point out that you essentially gave her permission to continue.

I think you probably need to talk this through with a professional and arm yourself with the tools to confront and hopefully resolve this in a constructive manner.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121898608#Comment_121898608

No, because there was flirty texts. his gut was telling him to check it and he was kind of proved right.

her reaction to him saying she could see the guy in an open relationship seems like a red flag, if she was innocent I would have thought she would be shocked by that suggestion.

Rubberchikken

I'm sorry you're going through thos. She's treating you so bad when you've tried to be open about whatever is going on.

Maybe this guys attention is stroking her ego but some honesty towards you is the least she could do.

Alexus25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121898614#Comment_121898614

I don't think he said open relationship

Sorry OP, this is a horrible situation to be in, I think your gut is also telling you this too, hence why you checked her phone. Your gut was validated by the flirty messages and her hiding things from you.

Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do, you could put it to her - how would you like if I had this kind of relationship with a woman?

I told her how I feel and that if she ever wanted to be more than just a friend I can understand and if she was open with me we could come to an arrangement. I know that sounds stupid but I thought I'd rather see her happy than not see her at all.

I can't recall the last time I saw someone in so much need of counselling.

Jim kirk

Just to clarify when I suggested that it all came out in one go after weeks of torment. I know how it sounds. I know it's crazy but it all came out in one flow of emotion with a million thoughts in my head at the one time.

XsApollo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121898689#Comment_121898689

You garnered that you have never saw someone in so much need of counselling from a few lines of post on the internet.

seriously , get a grip.

to the OP do not feel bad about checking the phone, you were right, if she has nothing to hide she wouldn’t be hiding.

whatever about somebody you don’t know, but that fella has been in your house then I would be pulling him up about it.

as for her well you need a discussion , she either responds in kind or doesn’t, but you need to confront her.

marilynrr

Best case scenario is that she's just enjoying the ego boost and didn't want to come to an 'arrangement' when you offered it.

However, in that case the relationship is still inappropriate which she obviously came to realize at some point when she started to be more secretive with her phone and it became even more inappropriate once she realised you were concerned about it and kept it up.

Worst case is that she's already physically cheated....or that she's close to it and it's possible she'll take your conversation to mean that it would be ok even without discussing it with you.

You didn't do anything wrong in checking her phone, surely about 95% of this kind of thing is found out by a phone checking, and the phone checking in many of those cases is preceded by suspicions due to the other persons behaviour. It's totally different than someone who is paranoid due to their own issues who won't respect their partners privacy.

tea and coffee

An emotional affair is so painful, so I really feel for you.

You really need to sit down with her again and say that you are upset by her closeness with X and that you want to talk about it.

It's unlikely she'll come clean but you need to get the conversation started.

Ghetofarmulous

From the posts,

you feel disrespected.

you don’t like being treated this way.

you are not focusing on the right persons happiness it should be yours. Saying I’d rather see her happy than not at all is putting the focus on the person. Your happiness (long term) is always the priority. I’m not talking about normal compromises or sacrifices.

She appears not to care how her actions are impacting you.

dont think about how to make it better for her.

spaceHopper

If he's been in your house there is chance it's become a real affair. 

I think you need to make time to talk to her. Tell her you love her, don't want to lose her and want to see her happy but you think she is having an emotional affair with x and you hope things haven't gone further but you need to get out in the open. Ask her what's happening? Then let her talk say nothing just let her talk. The less you say the more she will say.

Ask her how would she feel if it was you having an affair? What would she do? Would she see it a breach of trust? Would she want to save the relationship? 

Also what do you know about him, is he married too. 

If things go badly, what will you do, are kids involved, can you ask her to move out? Whatever you do have a plan so that you are looked after, don't get railroaded into moving out.