Talking about sex life

washyourhands12345

Have been with partner 4 years. Two years we were out with his friend and girlfriend. They brought up something about their sex life and I then blurted out 'ours is vanilla'. Iv always been very happy with our sex life and it probably is vanilla , but I feel so bad cos I found out that my partner gets constant slanging in his group of friends about this. His friend told everyone else. I feel pissed off and angry with his friend. I feel pissed off with myself for ever saying anything about our sex life, and still don't understand why I said it. My partner just accepts it but says its the worse thing iv ever done. Am I making a big deal out of this ? is this just normal for guys? I can't stop feeling bad

I don't see what the issue is.

Vanilla does not mean bad sex.

Missionary is vanilla but you can quite obviously have great missionary sex.

Doggy is vanilla.

Are all his mates being bound and ball-gagged or something?

mrcheez

Need a definition of what you consider vanilla and what is not to comment OP :)

(you'll prob find most ppl here would be doing what you consider "vanilla")

HalloweenJack

What's most alarming is that your partner described it as the worst thing you've ever done. Now, that can mean that you have a really good relationship because it is fairly minor in the bigger scheme of things but I think it's quite a dramatic statement to make and surely has tou feeling worse about the situation.

I reckon this is a case of your partner losing face in his friend group and turning it on you when he should be pissed off at the friend. If its upsetting him so much, he should be having a word with his friends and saying how the constant slagging upsets him.

It sounds like you feel bad about it and as long as you apologise there's not much else you can do. The real problem here is the friend.

How old are the people involved here? If we're talking early twenties, I can somewhat understand it (it still isn't right) but if we're talking older, your partner and his friends need to grow up.

washyourhands12345

Haha, I'm sure they are not and I realise that most people are having vanilla sex. The problem for me is I don't want to be the one to give his friend ammunition for slagging my partner off. But I suppose if it wasn't about that it would be about something else maybe

I think the issue is between your partner and his friends, to be honest.

You've done what you can. You offered a sincere apology, not much more you can do.

vswr

You'll get the "oh he should be mad at his friends not you" brigade, who'll do the "hope you're OK hun" responses

But, you:

-Gave his mates ammo that will be used against him forever now

-discussed something personal which he may/may not have been OK with, openly with friends

-described something as vanilla, which unless you and your BF have explicitly defined together, could have 2 completely meanings...

a bit like a bloke saying to a girl "aww you look a little tired today"

Blokes perspective - she looks a little bit tired, she must have had a bad sleep

Girls perspective - I did my skin care routine last night and this morning, had my face mask on last night, took 30 mins doing make up, I look like a car crash

internet response - "aww you were truthful hunny, don't doubt yourself xoxo, he should just get new friends"

SharkMX

If a man over the age of 35 is bragging about his sex life to his mates de doesnt have any to speak of.

Once lads get past about 35 most of them dont feel the need to brag that they did when they were younger. They all realize that everyone now knows that the more bragging, the less reality.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121887294#Comment_121887294

Vanilla does mean bad sex.

Imagine he had told her friends that her looks were just average, how would a girl feel about that? She would probably feel bad, and no amount of explanation about how average means you are actually prettier than 50% of girls is going to make her feel better. She wants to be pretty, but it turns out her boyfriend thinks she is just average.

Go and tell a mother or a child they are just an ok mother or child, see how they feel about it.

Everybody wants to be good in bed, but the OP said in public that her boyfriend was just average. Whether its true or not doesn't matter, you don't tell the world he is boring/average/vanilla in bed, it isn't a nice thing to hear.

Its done, the OP can't put the genie back into the bottle, but the least they can do is acknowledge that it was a **** thing to do and understand why he is affected by it.

washyourhands12345

I know and that's why I feel bad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121887436#Comment_121887436

Vanilla does not mean bad sex.

It has never meant bad sex.

You are objectively wrong.

I'm not reading the rest of your essay after such a b*llocks of an opening line.

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Warned for Breach of Charter

washyourhands12345

He brought it up last night for the first time in a long time, just because we were watching a programme on TV and they mentioned vanilla sex. I have felt bad about it a good few times but wasn't sure if it had been forgotten about and now I know it hasn't. I know there's nothing more I can do, he knows I'm sorry. It's reassuring that you consider it minor

Idle Passerby

He and his friends are still concerned with a throwaway comment made 2 years ago? They must have incredibly boring (or should I say vanilla?) Lives to still get so much mileage from this years later. Realistically, everyone involved must be aware that if you were that unsatisfied you wouldn't still be together.

Isn't vanilla one of the most pulopular flavours anyway? Even people with extreme sex lives probably like vanilla the odd time too. It's not a badge of shame to like popular things.

LambshankRedemption

What age group are these friends? They sound early twenties. They should be growing out of that nonsense soon.

89897

Vanilla absoluetly does not mean bad sex, far from it. As for his mate slagging, it says more about his sex life than anyone elses and im sure theres a bunch of people in the group jealous that hes having sex full stop.

I know you feel bad but if your boyfriend doesnt have an issue then its a non issue.

washyourhands12345

I think just any excuse to slag. We went through a traumatic experience last year and my boyfriend turned to this friend for support during that time. I think maybe I just don't understand male friendships. His friend is a little immature for his age but is also supportive

maninasia

I think for grown adults this topic should have moved on after a month or whatever. Wtf cares really.

Yes his friend group is immature.

Tefral

Im approaching 40 with a good group of friends (who are guys) and if theres something we could slag someone about we would. Some of the lads have nicknames still from School. This is just the way alot of male relationships are. Alot of the time these "slagging" things are not supposed to hurt someone, but one thing I do know, our wives would have our backs. There isnt a hope that one of the guys wives would say they have vanilla sex.

Ill tell ya what is going on though: you need to have a discussion with him about it. What vanilla sex means to you, what you might like to do, such as any kinks etc. The reason he is so annoyed about it, is that his ego is a little dented now and is probably thinking he doesnt satisfy you. If he thought deep down that you are roaring from the roof tops and was confident in that, nothing the lads slagging him about would get through to his feelings. He would shrug it off as messing.

The male ego can be fragile enough at times. He just needs reassurance. Might be worth doing one of the Jenny Keane Workshops with him. They are great for breaking down barriers. Im not sure why, but people still have hangups about discussing what they want in bed.

The fact he hasnt forgotten it means its knawing away at him a little...

kirving

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121887450#Comment_121887450

Definition: Vanilla : lacking distinction : PLAIN, ORDINARY, CONVENTIONAL

Noone on the planet wants to be described as Vanilla in any context, other than a doctor discussing their blood pressure results. By definition, most of the worlds population are of course normal, but if your partner said that you were simply ordinary, especially to your friends, you too would be offended.

Anyways, what's done is done. The elephant in the room here, which noone has mentioned, is that he is only offended by it because it is true. If it wasn't, it would be water off a ducks back.

My thought on it is that he isn't happy, but is also apprehensive to actually bring it up in an explicit manner, but is trying to make the point when he can using the discussion on TV as a prompt.

Sunny Disposition

Ah, you shouldn't have said it, for sure, but there's really nothing you can do about it now that you've apologised. Everyone has to let it go. His friends slagging him about it is a bit juvenile, but that's how a lot of friendship groups work. I can understand he was annoyed with you, but there's nothing you can do.

Only other question I'd have is why you did say it? On some level were you looking for things to change?

washyourhands12345

He hasn't forgotten as his friend reminds him occasionally with slagging. Thanks for your feedback. He has reassured me since that he doesn't care. We have talked about our preferences and we are both vanilla but this doesn't mean we don't enjoy sex at all.

washyourhands12345

Thanks for your feedback, I said ours is vanilla, not him. I was tarring us both with the same brush, if your perspective on vanilla sex is bad then it's both of us. I just realised as soon as I said it that it was a stupid thing to say

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121888049#Comment_121888049

Take your dictionary back out and look up "vanilla sex".

washyourhands12345

I have also reassured him that I'm happy

Redneck Avenger

Boys don't group up. They only grow older in most cases.

Sleepy

As mentioned above this is about "Face" so if ye want to fix this "issue", the key is to giving him back the face he's perceived to have lost by you describing your sex life together as vanilla. There's many ways you could do this by "blurting" out something at a future social gathering (having discussed as much with him beforehand) e.g. if anal sex isn't something you consider vanilla and it gets mentioned in a group setting you could say something like "Have you never seen [partner] in the showers?! He's way too big to be going anywhere NEAR there!"...

That's just an example: it could be something as simple as letting it slip that ye're having sex twice a day, that the man is particularly skilled with his tongue, that you'd never known you could be multi-orgasmic before him anything that flatters his sexual prowess in front of this group will do (even if it's total horse manure!).

Is it a mature response? Of course not. But it doesn't sound like a particularly mature friend group either (though typical enough of Irish male friend groups ime: a buddy of mine still gets teased about admitting to crumbling the chocolate off a Chomp bar onto an ex girlfriend (as they were out of chocolate sauce!) when he was 19 and we're all well into our forties!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121889135#Comment_121889135

Please, OP, don't do any of this.

An absolutely wild contribution.

washyourhands12345

😄😄😄thank you for this, it's cheered me up if nothing else!

washyourhands12345

🤣🤣

Dial Hard

Jesus christ, this happened two years ago and you're all still talking about it???

Next time he brings it up, just say it's ancient history, you've apologised enough and it's not up for discussion any longer.

And his friend seriously needs to get a life.

elperello

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121889304#Comment_121889304

Exactly.

Put STOP in front of the thread title.