Making friends as an adult

heretothere

I am wondering if people can give me hope that I can eventually make friends as an adult?

I am an extrovert person and can talk to people very easily so that's not the issue. I have moved a few times in my life both in Ireland and abroad, but now I am living in a rural farming community I am so isolated.

I live on a farm about 5km from the closest town, that town had a population of approx 1,000 people.

Moved here 7 years ago. I was friends with 2 women both have since moved away, I met them through my husbands cousin. I also worked in an office about an hours drive away before covid so didn't notice I didn't really have friends.

I'm about a 3 hour drive from my home town, I always thought I would have my home group of friends but I don't. They stopped using the group whatsapp as a 'need for a SM break' but obviously still talk to each other possibly in smaller groups that I was never re-added to. There were pics on SM of a weekend away a few of them had recently. If I text and it is always me 1st replies can take days, if they come at all. Most of them are still single so living a different life, the 2 that have kids also don't live in our home town. TBF it was my fault there so I can't blame my school friends, covid got me into a bad place and I detached from a lot, after seeking help I am better now but I think they don't need the hassle in their lives. I think I need to stop trying the clearly don't want to be friends with me anymore and I am probably embarrassing myself.

I joined slimming world, gym classes, used to go to the pub to try make friends. But people while friendly and nice didn't need more friends. They have their friends from here that they grew up with.

I joined a mother/ baby group when my baby was small. No lasting connections there either. People say when he starts school I'll really become part of the community, is that true?

I'm not into Gaelic for Mothers or running or any sport really. I like things like poker, photography, archaeology, travelling, learning new things.

iniscealtra

Join a committee of some kind and get involved in the community. It takes time to make connections. Also call into the neighbours once in a while especially if any are women with kids like yourself.

People don’t really talk or stick around at sports classes. Not a great place to meet people.

Walking groups are also great for chatting and getting to know people. A book club maybe or organise some poker nights in the house. Ask your husband to invite some couples who can play. That’s quite social.

It takes time and effort to get to know people but it’s well worth it.

heretothere

@iniscealtra what sort of committee? I asked in the church before if they needed volunteers for anything they didn't, I also responded to an ad on the board at the garage looking for people do to meals on wheels but they had got someone.

No the sports class wasn't going to be the best but I do enjoy it so when I'm not pregnant I think I'll go back.

I couldn't find a book club but maybe I should start one? I tried to start a local facebook page but I've had about 10 people join. Our closest neighbours are all lovely but very different situations. An elderly couple in the 80s, someone with a 2nd home from Dublin, and a family with older kids (early 20s) I do talk to the mam when I meet her on the road but that's about it.

My husband is a lovely fella but very quiet he wouldn't know any couples to invite. He moved away for a few years and when he came back never took back up with old friends. That suits him fine.

When I lived in cities/ towns there were just so many more opportunities to meet people. I have never in my life struggled to make friends but it really gets to me.

iniscealtra

Volunteer for whatever needs help. Local hall. Depends on the village / town. Tidy towns? St Patrick’s day ? Sure start a book club. Keep going to the sports class. Attend local events with your husband. It’ll be an opportunity to chat with people.

Does you husband have relatives in the area? Could he invite old friends even if they haven’t caught up in a while? Just to help you out getting to know people.

AlanG

Tidy towns, parents association when the child starts school are two great options if you are not into sports. I know some people who use meetup.com and find it ery good for walking / hiking groups so it is probably good for other activities. Try it for your area.

rathbaner

Become a local organiser. Start at your local community centre. It'll take while for people to get to know you, but if you're helpful and kind people will start to see who you are. That's your part done, after that it's up to them. Most people who make new friends - post school/college - do so when they meet parents whose kids are the same age. School really helps, birthday parties, sleep overs and so on. Take your time, there's lots of people just like you around.

Purple Mountain

I didn't know any other parents when my son started school so I made a big effort to get involved in those circles as possible. A. to connect with women who were at a similar life stage to me (I had him a lot earlier than most of my friends and family members) and B. it's good to know who your kids are friends with and what adults they'll be around.

Join the schools Parents Association from day 1. They will be doing regular fundraising like bah packing, baking etc. Say yes to all.

Sign your child up to one or two hobbies (but don't go overkill on these because it can be stressful on both children and parents).

I made great connections standing on the side of a GAA pitch and sharing lifts with other mums.

Having children opens up a whole new potential connections and friendships so take advantage of it!

zoobizoo

Not having close home friends may be impacting on making new, casual friends

Knowing that you have them in your back pocket might ease the pressure you may feel to make 'new good friends' .

I have 2 kids. Didn't make friends with any of the parents from my son's first school but I see the parents of his schoolmates more often than I see my family and friends.

There are some I get on better with than others and who are becoming friends due to our shared experiences and time spent making small talk / at class parties / meeting in the park for playdates.

As 1 dad put it to me 2 years ago "we're going to be doing this for the next 8 years so best to make an effort". Maybe start organising playdates for the kids and get to know the parents better.

And while I'm not into GAA, I brought my kids there and I met parents their from their school and others.

You're an extrovert so go to the local town and sit in the coffee shop and chat to the staff / owner. Before you know it you'll encounter the same people every other day.

And all schools are looking for parents to help out, volunteer etc

Some of these casual encounters and relationships may develop into something more.

heretothere

@Purple Mountain I have heard that school is a good way of becoming part of the community. My son won't start until Sept 2027 though. He's in creche right now it's about 20mins from our house I haven't really met other parents. Guess the varied drop off/ collection time doesn't help

@zoobizoo hopefully there will be at least one parent I get on with when he starts in 2027. It's a small national school so maybe 8 kids per class. I will be very happy to volunteer for everything and anything going. I don't think they'd want volounteers before your child is in the school that'd be a bit weird wouldn't it

It would have been much easier if my husband had group of friends who had wives/ girlfriends but then that might have caused it's own drama. My husband is very happy and does actually know lots of people but usually talks to them in the co-op etc

I've recently joined the civil defence which will hopefully make a few connections in the area. It's very interesting too.

When my granny moved to get married she joined bridge and loved it, I think I'd like it but I worry I'd be the youngest player about about 30 years.

I think I need to find another blow in!

witchgirl26

OP - on the creche thing, could you try to chat to some others at drop off or collect? We were in the creche 2 years before we all started slowly reaching out to each other & set up a whatsapp group for the parents in the room. First step is sometimes setting up a playdate & going from there.

As for the general making friends - I have a few childhood friends as such but finding a group around a hobby I enjoy has actually led me recently to make a load of new casual friends. There's a meet up for the hobby once a month that's quite casual (in that you go when you can) & while some of the women in it know each other pretty well, they've all been really lovely & welcoming. Might be worth looking to see if there's something around that. Having done Slimming World before, I found it terrible to get to know people as they were either all clique-y (as in knew each other coming in & didn't want a newbie talking to them) or really competitive.

allybhoy

Hi OP, just giving our story, We moved to a rural town without knowing anyone roughly 40 mins from my wife's home and her story is quite similar to yours. I was heavily involved in sports (GAA, Soccer, Golf, Gym) from the outset and developed a large friends circle quite quickly, my wife on the other hand did not, she was very anti sports and was similar to you on being creative etc. In the first few years following the move we had a lot of discussions where she would have been happy to move back closer to home, however we stuck it out. As our kids grew up and went to school they joined all the available sports in the area (GAA, Hurling, Soccer, Rugby). Through school collections, playdates, standing on sidelines at training car pooling for matches etc my wifes social circle increased. She was eventually convinced to help out on the coaching of my daughters u7 team and last year joined Gaelic for Mothers, having never played any sports in her life which is something I never have envisaged 6 years ago. She also does operation transformation walks etc which again is organised through the GAA. Its hard to overestimate how much Sports and in particular the GAA in rural towns is essentially the lifeblood of the community.

heretothere

@witchgirl26 there is usually 1 dad there when I collect my son. I don't want to give the wrong impression by asking him to join a WhatsApp lol! Also while I am open to being friends with men, it is more so women friends I am looking for. There is 1 mammy I have seen a few times. I think she has done reading for the group so she obv gets involved. What would you do just say does her baby want to play with mine sometime? Ya SW was never going to be the best. Though in fairness it got me to know a few faces

@allybhoy it's looking like gaelic for mothers is the way to go! They had a float in the parade and they did look like good craic. I'm 5 months pregnant so not sure I can really join right now but it might be one. Even for a while to get to know people. I did play sports in school I was beyond useless at it. I know that's not the point in the Gaelic for mothers. The walks I would 100% be interested in. That does be January? My baby would be a few months old by then so I could def go. Could you go alone?

I'm going to college 1 night a week (from home so no friends) and have training for civil defence (not long in so building up) 1 night a week. It sounds mad I often think a few shifts in the local pub would get me known, I have a professional office job and don't interact with people at all.

allybhoy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121911764#Comment_121911764

Yes I think the walks are in January, absolutely you can go alone. For Gaelic for mothers, dont worry about the standard, that's the whole point, my wife had literally never stepped foot on a pitch or kicked a ball before joining, was nervous etc but was welcomed in and was relieved to find out everybody was in the same boat. Not sure about your community but our town is quite small, so any players who have any sort of ability or experience are already playing with the Junior and senior women's teams which is separate, Gaelic for mothers is for complete beginners and is more of a social thing rather than a competitive environment. Perhaps find out when their next match or training session is on and go for a look, also recommend signing up your child as early as possible to either the GAA or soccer etc. The GAA academy in our club starts from 4 years old but the soccer club my town have "little kicker's" in the that starts for 2-3 yr olds which again will introduce you other parents. There are also toddler playgroups midweek in the community hall locally here which might be another avenue in your town.

Purple Mountain

Can you find out who runs the Gaelic for Mother's and message and say you are pregnant but would love to come and see what its all about for the future?

You could pop down whenever yoy feel up to it and sit on sideline and still be part of the group?

Pregnant women are magnets for other pregnant or recently new mammies! I think it would be an ideal place to meet ladies at the same life stage as yourself.

I hope the civil defence goes well. That sounds exciting!

randombar

One thing I've noticed myself with the organization side of the GAA is you don't have to like watching it to be a useful resource within the GAA club.

We're always screaming out for help with raffles, chasing sponsorship etc. etc.

I wouldn't turn your back on the local club, there are lots of people involved in clubs that have never played or trained.

heretothere

@randombar I do like watching GAA sports, I'm just terrible at playing them! I used to go to a lot of hurling matches in my home town, and follow the county. Hurling doesn't exist where I am now but football is very popular

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121911764#Comment_121911764

I chat to the dads too & then get to know the mams through that! But yeah it's as simple as just asking "would you like to set up a playdate for the kids one of the days after creche or at the weekend?". I did that with one of the mams & it all kinda went from there!

randombar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121913609#Comment_121913609

You're laughing so, send them a facebook message so and see what the story is, this time of year with the training coming back they'd be mad for bodies. We've an English lad doing the training in our place, never played a game in his life and is a brilliant trainer.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121914223#Comment_121914223

I can support this. I never played GAA in my life but when my son joined, they appreciated a mam on the sideline to supervise the smallies heading up to the toilets/water tap.

I also helped out with paperwork and lift sharing with other parents.

If/when your child gets into games OP, it will open a whole new circle for you.

Just don't sit in the car in the carpark!

Daisy78

Rural Ireland can be a very difficult place to meet new people and make friends. If you are not into the GAA then your options can really be very limited unfortunately. I would imagine a lot of the church related activities would draw in an older (and religious) demographic also so probably not suitable either. You are kind of spoiled for choice in cities. Are you within a reasonable commute of a bigger town where you might have more options for meeting like minded individuals?

Airyfairy12

Why not start up a photography group? Might be a nice way to meet locals