Depressed wife

HalloweenJack

Mid-30s, together over a decade, married four. No kids or plans to have any, perfectly happy with our pets. We have a comfortable housing situation and both have stable jobs in our chosen fields. We rarely argue and sex life was good before these problems started.

I have had depression and deal regularly with anxiety. My wife has helped immensely and I am much the better for having her support. Workwise, I have a decent job in a small company and have done the same tasks for six years. I know there's no advancement there. I have done courses and am looking at other opportunities but I'd likely have to leave where we live, something I've been hesitant about.

We live in her hometown. I had moved here before meeting her and stayed on to see where it'd go. It's a medium-size city and not easy to get work as a foreigner, beyond some niche areas. I worked in one but long-term knew it would drive me mad. I'm much happier in my chosen career but I do want to advance in it.

She went away for college and came back and worked a few different jobs before fully committing to the family business. Her father is semi-retired and will complain about being too old and tired but then says no-one will be able to take over successfully. If you've seen Succession, he is just like Logan Roy. None of her siblings are involved in the company so its destined to be hers. We also live in a place owned by her family so we have a lot to be grateful to them for.

She struggles to work alongside her father. He is a very complicated person and I have little time for him. They recently changed the set-up so she's no longer his employee but rather a partner in the company. However, this has meant a lot more admin work and financial responsibility for her. She actually earns more now but the added workload is weighing her down, while she's still effectively the boss' daughter.

I have an active social life and do a lot of sports whereas a lot of her friends have either moved away or are settled down with kids. I always invite her along to anything I do but it depends on her mood.

Through her job, she goes to a lot of courses and conferences and has met people through that but she isn't able to see them regularly enough to really develop friendships, save the odd one or two.

When she has free time, she doesn't know what to do with it and spends too much time sitting in front of the telly and looking at social media.

Nearly a year ago, she confessed that she's been feeling down for a while. In theory, we have the life we were working towards and yet she's not fulfilled. She had gone to therapy for anxiety and got better but now she refuses to go back. I supported her as best as I could and despite the odd blip along the way, she seemed to be holding it together until this last week.

This latest episode has been brought on by a trip to a conference she was arranging with a friend. The friend ignored her and she's fallen to pieces and now doesn't know if she'll go. This friend is very hot and cold and I'm aware my wife pins too much hope on this relationship.

As a result, all of her other problems seem to have been amplified. In a conversation the other day, she said she felt that the life we'd worked towards and achieved isn't making her happy and she needs to change things. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation but its the first in a while and sounded more desperate than previous ones. She added that she felt she was holding both of us back and that I should look more seriously for opportunities to advance in my career, even if I have to leave. I felt a weight lifted at this and have been actively searching for jobs now.

The last few days have been up and down but she's better now. I have had no bites yet but worry about her reaction if something were to come along. I know she's lonely and I'd feel like I'm abandoning her but staying her for the sake of it if she's not going to change isn't good for either of us. I've been there for her for nearly a year but nothing seems to improve so she certainly needs to do something else and it needs to come from within. At this stage, I think I'm just enabling her to an extent.

I try to be sympathetic and listen and avoid resentment but there are moments when it's too much for me. Yesterday at work I was looking at apartments in the city we live in but when I saw her later I felt guilty. I applied for loads of jobs the other day, even ones not related to my career, just anything and again I feel guilty about that.

I'm also not doing well but i need to be strong because if the two of us are down we'll sink even further.

I want to support her through this but its been a long time and I don't see her making any real effort to get better but I also don't want to abandon her because I don't know what she'll do.

Thanks very much if you made it this far.

89897

Not to sound harsh or anything but what advise are you looking for exactly? You dont paint an unhappy picture but one sign of her saying she feels like shes holding you back and you're looking to leave?

Is leaving the relationship something you want?

tea and coffee

She was there for you. I think you should return the favour!

Sounds like working with her dad is a major stressor for her. Sue probably feels trapped there as it's "family". Perhaps this is something that needs looking at.

I don't really get what you mean in the last part of the post. She made a remark that she was holding you back and you jumped at the chance to look for another job and leave her? Is that correct? Seems a huge leap to make from one comment from her. Were you just waiting for the opportunity and this gave tacit permission? Are you discussing the apartments and job search with her? Is she still of the opinion she is holding you back?

Maybe all she wanted was some reassurance that she is doing rhe right thing, and saying she was holding you back was a cry for help, and an opportunity to tell her you are there for her?

Deeec

Life has ups and downs and we have to deal with them - life is rarely perfect for everyone. The grass isn't always greener and moving to somewhere else may throw up new problems and further unhappiness. Both of you maybe have to sit down and focus on the positives in your lives and how to deal with or change the negatives.

Aside from the issues she has working with her dad, is she enthusiastic about her future working in the family business?

It does sound like maybe the 2 of you just need a holiday together and a rest

marilynrr

I want to support her through this but its been a long time and I don't see her making any real effort to get better but I also don't want to abandon her because I don't know what she'll do.

I think it's important to note that some depressions will hit differently and a person can feel unable to put any 'effort' in to get better. The depression just kills that side of them. She might genuinely not be able to pull herself out of it at this time.

In a conversation the other day, she said she felt that the life we'd worked towards and achieved isn't making her happy and she needs to change things. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation but its the first in a while and sounded more desperate than previous ones. She added that she felt she was holding both of us back and that I should look more seriously for opportunities to advance in my career, even if I have to leave. I felt a weight lifted at this and have been actively searching for jobs now.

The last few days have been up and down but she's better now. I have had no bites yet but worry about her reaction if something were to come along. 

..............

Yesterday at work I was looking at apartments in the city we live in but when I saw her later I felt guilty. I applied for loads of jobs the other day, even ones not related to my career, just anything and again I feel guilty about that.

I'm not sure if I'm reading the above right, but it sounds to me like she said to you during a very low period that you should look for opportunities even if you had to leave, and that you jumped straight into that but that she isn't aware that you've actually taken the conversation seriously and that you're actually looking for jobs and apartments? Is that right?

If so, you said she's better now, so now is the time to have the serious conversation with her and discuss the future. She might not have actually meant it, she could have just said it in while in the throes of a depressive episode.

Of course you are still entitled to leave if that's what you want to do even if she actually wants you to stay but I do think you owe it to her to have a conversation about it now when she's feeling a bit better rather than just running with what she said when she was at a desperate point.

I says

Sounds like you’re bored. She’s got the lot handed to her apparently, reading your post. Why don’t you assess your situation and realise how lucky you are, and if you still feel the same way looking for advice of strangers on the internet you should have the balls to leave her and not look for any settlement.

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thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121769342#Comment_121769342

Much of my own initial thoughts.

Find it a bit telling that the wife mentions how their life at the moment isn’t making her happy but it doesn’t go into detail about problem solving her issues which could be a multitude of things. There may even have some overlap of certain gripes, both seem unhappy with work for example.

Generally speaking, you’ll be able to figure out some compromise if both of you are really in it. I think the OP just wants out and there’s not much more to it.

Apart from the OP. You people are really horrible.

Have a little compassion before posting. Better to say nothing than what you have posted.

If the OP has taken the time to post on a random forum, the last thing he needs is abuse and be told to get some balls.

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Warning applied for back seat moderation - if you have a problem with a post report it and the mods will take a look.

I think the two of you need to set aside a couple of hours to sit down and have a serious talk. I'm talking clear both of your calendars for a couple of hours.

It's one thing having sporadic conversations but it's a totally different thing when you've set aside time and both of you know why you're there and how serious it is.

And you need to be honest with her because I don't think you're being honest with yourself.

HalloweenJack

Thanks for the replies.

I think I just needed to vent yesterday and, after reading the replies this morning, I feel some of my post was overly dramatic.

I'm just heading into work now so will try and get back on later to properly answer some of the questions made.

HalloweenJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121767423#Comment_121767423

Thanks for this question.

I don't want to leave the relationship but I don't want the rest of my life to be as it is right now. Its not just the last few days; she hasn't been feeling well for several months and this latest episode made me realise that hasn't changed. And that whatever I'm doing is not enough. I feel helpless.

HalloweenJack

As a lot of the other comments focus on a similar topic, I'll respond generally:

My career wasn't something I prioritised but now that I feel I'm in a stable situation, it's something I realise I want to develop as I am bored in my job. When everything was good at home, it was easy for me to not focus on that but, at the moment, it feels like both areas of my life are monotonous and I think 'is that what its going to be for the next fifty years?'

And that's on me. I can't blame my wife for that. I made my career choices when I did because I prioritised different things and now I'm struggling to find better opportunities in the city we live in.

And I felt guilty about that and I definitely seized on her comment as a way to alleviate my guilt (I said this to her the other day in a less frank manner).

Her career in the family business is set out for her if she wants it. Its a hands-on job, working from home is not an option so accepting that situation means living here permanently. I know she's not happy with that job because of her father looming over her but she's just not able to leave it all behind and go her own way.

I think this is really the crux of the matter: we don't see how both of us can be fulfilled in an employment sense by staying here and its seeping into other aspects of our relationship.

drunkmonkey

When was the last time you both had a serious conversation about kids, is it a completely mutual decision?

HalloweenJack

FWIW, I'm posting here because my head is all over the place and I don't think it's a good idea to delve into this topic with my wife when I'm nor sure myself what the issue is.

drunkmonkey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121769571#Comment_121769571

It could be in the back of her mind considering her age and where her friends are at. I'm not saying it's it but it could be a factor.

It's doesn't seem to be something you're any interest in though and that's fine just make sure you really both are on the same page.

HalloweenJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121769566#Comment_121769566

Yes. We've discussed it many times over the years and again before we got married to be sure and we're both firmly against the idea. Most of the times it comes up, its because friends of ours have kids and seem to be at their wits' end.

We both have medical issues that would make it harder if we wanted so it was something we have had to address several times, in addition to the inevitable questions since we've been married.

Hannibal_Smith

Sometimes it's easy to say get help but there's no denying that actually admitting you need help and building up what it takes to seek it is a lot and if she's really feeling low and depressed maybe she feels it's too hard. So the easy solution is to not bring you down with her or be a drain on you and so she's pushing you away.

If she's working long hours in a stressful situation it's bound to impact her. And the friend letting her down had to hurt.

All marriages are different, but there are difficult times in most of them. I couldn't leave if it was me, but it's not me and you have every right to do what makes you happy too. Do you want to leave, if she was back to herself would you consider leaving?

drunkmonkey

You're both struggling as well though, those parents aren't always at their wits ends, your not seeing the other side of their lives.

it's going to be very hard for her just to get up and leave the family business and you sound like it's holding you back in a way as you've to stay around, with no kids there's nothing stopping either of you doing whatever you want. I understand your predicament.

Have you made some short term plans like this is exactly where I want to be in 12mts time or when I'm 40. If she won't be passing on the family business maybe it's time to retire it and dad sell up.

hello2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121769512#Comment_121769512

Kids?? I think having kids will give a reason to be happy and work towards a common goal in life to both of you.

i am not an expert but have seen many couples married life changing for better after kids.

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121769547#Comment_121769547

Honest question, have you given her the support she gave you when you were unwell?

As im sure you know theres no quick fix for mental health issues and its been only a few months. Can you replicate what she did to get you back to the place you are in.

Also you mention you didnt think of the job move ect before as you werent in a stable place. How much of that stable place is due to her, her support, her families apartment etc?

Im not saying this in that I dont believe you, I really can feel through your writings that you are struggling but you also dont know yourself what the issues are so probing questions may bring about some of the help.

To be honest to me it looks a little like you're stuck in a rut and the job move is you looking for some sort of control on any aspect of your life, which is understandable, but nothing will be resolved without talking to her.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121769921#Comment_121769921

And I've seen just as many fall apart due to the added stresses.

Seriously, advising an OP who is already struggling with major life decisions to have a glue baby is downright irresponsible. Kids can strain even the strongest relationships, and it's clear the OP's relationship is not in a good place right now.

Plus, there's also the small matter of, y'know, neither of them actually wanting kids 🙄

OP, I think some counselling for both and each of you is probably necessary at this point. Career for each of you so you can both figure out what you actually want to do, and couples for the relationship issues.

hello2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121770828#Comment_121770828

Sorry if my suggestion appears bad but its just my personal observation..OP can ignore if it doesn't suit them

farmerval

OP, I feel really sorry for you and your spouse.

Without kids or a mortgage, which are big stress points for many couples and neither of you are happy. Why not? Are you actually unhappy with each other? If you're wife was back the way she has been in the past would you be thinking of moving to advance you're career?

Regarding your wife, being in a multi generational family business can be very difficult, it can be great, but very often it's not. I'm from an agricultural background and it's a huge source of problems for many, the older generation want to retain control and often make the life of the ones to take over from them horrible.

The huge question here is; what would make you happy? You want to advance your career, good, but will that alone make you happy? If it costs you you're relationship, will you be happy?

Is the mental health issues you're wife appears to have, the cause or the result of something else. In a recent work training course a phrase "what would success look like" was being repeated ad nauseum. For you and your wife what would happiness look like? If you can figure that out, then plotting the way to get there will be easier. If right now she's unable to see a way forward then perhaps she needs professional help. You said that she wouldn't go back to counselling/ therapy. Maybe there are alternatives you could look at.

Furze99

Sounds like your wife may be as much overstressed with the responsibilities at work. Running a business, either solely or as partner is time consuming with endless challenges and things to be attended to.

Maybe she could have a good chat with her dad - as things are planned, one day she is to take over completely. So if he's semi retired, perhaps now is the time for them to agree that he steps back from any day to day stuff. That she would run it then as she sees best and employs help as needed to lessen her workload. The alternative is that his family business goes tits up.

Apart from that, I'd echo that children can be a blessing as much trouble as they can be.

Sonic the Shaghog

Ye are mid 30s and you said married for 4. She's been down for maybe a year. I just wondered when was the last time you chatted about children, you've said many times and again before marriage, that's 4 years ago going by the post, is there any chance the biological clock has at her? Or has it come up more recently say in the last 12 months?

HalloweenJack

I am reading through these posts and thinking them over during the day, I just haven't had time to come back and write out a full response.

Thanks again. I do feel like I'm getting a better perspective of things as opposed to when I originally posted here.

Kids really aren't an issue. Whether she's up or down, when it comes up, we both remain against the idea. When down, she's considered that it could be her biological clock while also saying she thinks having kids would be a terrible idea. She's about to be an aunt so its a regular topic. She's excited about it but has said to me in private that her own views haven't changed. I can only go on what she tells me.

As for her work situation, she's well aware of the problems she faces with her father but she just can't let go. Even when he retires, he'll be telling her what to do but I think she feels she has to accept it because of the life that her family have provided for her. I don't agree but whenever I broach that subject, I get knocked back.

As for me, I feel like I am at a point where I want to progress in my career. I need a challenge or something more stimulating at least and I know in my current role, that isn't going to happen. I know jobs don't fall from the sky so I am looking at what's a available and seeing what I need to be a better candidate. I'm not going to just up and leave.

As for what would make me happy right now, I think this latest episode has shown how fragile my situation is and that I've been going along on autopilot for a while. I have enjoyed my life so far but this has shown me that I'm not prepared when things get rough. I know that when she's happy, the stuff about work isn't such a pressing matter. I know its my brain responding to a difficult situation and I feel guilty about that.

I have supported her as she did me in the past. I don't badger her, I don't dismiss her concerns, I don't tell her to cheer up or ignore it, I listen to her whenever she's ready to talk. I encourage her to try new approaches without being overly insistent. I'm mostly frustrated that she's aware of what's going on and knows she can't continue but doesn't seem to be thinking about her next step. I know this takes time but hasn't been just a week, she first mentioned this in May last year, I think. She's been through problems before and worked through them, which is why this prolonged period feels desperate.

I don't bring this up, I'm well aware what she needs, especially right now, is support but I don't see how I'm actually helping her even though I'm doing what I would want people to do if it were me.

RurtBeynolds

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121769921#Comment_121769921

This is just awful advice.

NeutralHandle

Sounds like she's unhappy because of her position of obligation towards her logan roy-like father-boss-landlord.

Encourage her to quit the job and move house. Did you know that Reek in Game of Thrones lived in an actual castle, and yet he was not happy.

Sounds like you yourself benefit from things that make her unhappy - her income, her presumed inheritance, her family's house. Don't be a taker.

JVince

Ideally a part-time admin person in the office or sub contract some out (accounts and payroll)

Then look for something you both like doing and do it regularly. Example is hill walking.

Also look at groups in the locality that can be social and informative. Lions club, Toastmasters, Business networks.

iniscealtra

Spend some quality time together doing things you enjoy. Make sure she has boundaries at work and takes time off. Lots of people work in the family business. It’s a great position to be in financially. If you want to change career sure but surely don’t move city, Better to look at other options in your city / retrain maybe. She has supported you before. You should do the same. Ye are under no housing/financial pressure.

airy fairy

As I was reading your initial post, I had to go re-read the title as I was wondering where your wife came into it. It seemed to be about you for the first two thirds of the post. And I think perhaps that's where you need to start, with you.

It seems you are not happy and have jumped at the chance to get out of where you are when your wife was having a down day and suggested you find other employment. You felt a weight lifted, that says it all really.

As regards to your wife, you suggest she carried you for many years in your darker days, but seems to me you're only willing to give her the year and she should be snapping out of it now so to speak. You say your wife sits in front of the TV or social media, sounds like you disapprove of this? Maybe its her way of escaping? You're on social media by writing and reading here, double standards?

I think your wife's job has little to do with both your issues. All jobs with large responsibilities carry stress, and you need to see this. You sound like you're trapped because she has the family business, still being monitored by a man who you do not like (her father). Have you ever asked your wife how she feels in your marriage? Is there a chance she feels under pressure because you feel trapped because of her family business?

You both need to sit down and debate this issue, I honestly think you're both probably as 'depressed' as each other and it's that you need to either fix or break. I don't think she's the problem here.

maninasia

Sensing a lack of commitment here could be the issue. Are you willing to do the hard yards for a while?

The hard yards come up in any long term relationship. Since May is a long time, really?

Still we aren't all built the same way to take on responsibility and commitment.

Found it a little strange that you did not mention about asking her to quit the biz and move to Another city with you And both get jobs. It's feels like A was put forward with the situation but your actions are C not directly related to situation at hand.

Her main problem is her work now, but there's deeper issues here if she gets sick , like really sick ,what happens then ?

tara73

surprised nobody came up with the idea yet her having a proper chat with her dad. Working with close relatives like the parents in a family business can be a nightmare and becoming impossible. OP, did you ever talk properly with her about this? If this hasn't happened, encourage her to have a proper talk with her dad, even giving out ultimatums to him, if this and this is not changing, she will reconsider working for the family business. something like that. you didn't give proper insight what's exactly bothering her with her dad, and iwhether she ever talked to him and try to solve it. you should work together in this fmpov. But then there might be so much issues with yourself going on OP, that it's actually hard for us 'outsiders' to give hands on advice. I think you need to clarify a lot of things here, otherwise every advice is just guesswork and could be overlooking the real issues.

HalloweenJack

I have suggested she leave the place and go somewhere else. She's mentioned this before, she regrets moving back home after college and not travelling around like her friends or I did. I encourage the idea but she never goes any further with it.

She has expressed her frustration directly to her father before. He usually gets angry and storms off before calming down a bit and making some compromise but it never lasts. I listen to her when she complains about him but I don't want to bring it up unprovoked. She's well aware of that situation. I don't think it'd help for me to be nagging her about it and I don't want to cause a rift between her and her family.

I don't think this'd be the same as if she were sick, tbh, though I understand why people would think that. I really don't believe I would react similarly.

Another posted mentioned me disapproving of her social media use. She will look at her phone for long spells, just flicking through reels. She learns a lot but I think there is the problematic side of social media where people are most of the time showing their best side and how great life is, something that can't be good if you're already feeling down about your own situation.

I'm aware my own struggles with my work situation, which we have talked about, might be making her feel worse but its not intentional on my part. I also want to be honest with her about it.

NeutralHandle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121777120#Comment_121777120

Depression is a serious mental illness. If she is depressed then she is sick.

Ezeoul

OP, when she said "even if you have to leave" was she talking about you leaving her, or leaving your current employment / where you live now?

Because when I read that, I took it to mean you would leave current job / move location, not leave her?

Do you still love her?

freedom2024

The only way you're both going to get out of this together is by her leaving her family business. I have been in the same position myself, expected to take on a very significant role and was just utterly miserable due to the complete lack of boundaries due to it being a parent passing down their role onto me. She is absolutely miserable and you need to encourage her to go in her own direction and support her in every way to do that if you want things to work out between you. I had/have all the trappings just like she (and you have) has but in terms of personal autonomy and from what you have described her father is like, it's just not worth it and will destroy your and her life in the end. If you love her and want to stay with her and build a life together without her family and all the trappings of her family's wealth and are also in a position to create a good life together then encourage her to leave. If her family are so shocked by this that they will negotiate terms and conditions then make sure that she gets what she wants will suit both of you also. Otherwise leave.. preferably both of you, together.