Life as a failure, lost family, friends, sleep because of my rental status

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

Hi All,

I reaching out and asking for help because Ive tried everything to feel better and nothing works. Im now at the stage that Dutch Euthanasia Clinics seem a healthy option to have a permanent mental relief.

Im 31 and from Dublin and male. Im a total failure in life and despite trying to make something of myself so others won't look down on me all I get is failure and insomnia from stress.

I work 2 jobs about 55 hours a week. I rent a tiny studio and I could not afford that without 2 jobs. I previously house shared and it was a nightmare for years apart from 1 nice person I lived with who emigrated young. I earn with 2 jobs around 50k a year which Im humiliated by as I did post graduate studies, unfortunately in arts so I signed my death warrant.

My housing situation has resulted in my family falling apart. I am the youngest of 3 with 1 living parent and my siblings bought and married in the celtic tiger. They consider renting to be dead money and one in particular was very vocal about dead money. The idea of renting to them is absurd and home ownership is a given. My rental is rarely visited. Well basically, I begged my father to speak to them and get them to say that renting is not dead money and allow me to feel normal. He tried for over 5 years, 1 did, the other refused saying renting will always be dead money and plenty of people who never went to college can buy homes. After years of my father and me begging for the words "renting is not dead money, college is not over rated" to be said by her its reached a point she no longer speaks to my father because of this, which has had the knock on impact of the other sibling not speaking to her. I now have no one except my father. Because I studied arts and was not able to buy a house in my 20s.

I have no friends. I used to have some but being against lockdown and having mental health problems drove them away. My mental health problems came to ahead because the lockdown lost me my job and I lost income making home ownership further away. Im too ugly for a relationship, Ive tried every app and every singles group going no one except the morbidly obese have any interest in me.

So Im now unable to sleep, apart from work people and bar staff I dont speak to people as Ive no one to talk to. Ive tried over the years therapy and SSRIs and nothing works. My performance in work is radically falling due to lack of sleep and inability to concentrate anymore. I have zero prospects of the income needed to buy a home in Dublin as the deposits out of reach, I have no friends left and who wants to befriend an ugly renter anyway, Ill never be anything but low class. Im thinking of emigrating as people are not shamed for renting in other countries but I dont know if that can work as back home people will always think Im dead money. Im also thinking Im not made for this earth, I was dealt a bad hand with being in the bottom 1% for looks and did a qualification that cant acquire a salary to meet societies expectations of home ownership.

Ive no one left to turn to, trying to get my family to help has tore my family apart. I just want the noise that Im dead money to get out of my head so I can sleep. PLEASE HELP

Big Bag of Chips

You are paying for a service. This idea that renting is "dead money" is a tired cliché. What/where/how do they expect that you live and put a roof over your head otherwise?

OP, I'm concerned that you have had a number of threads on the site on this same topic. Your language surrounding it is extreme. I wonder how much of this is coming directly from your family, or how much of it is imagined/projected by yourself

Have you ever had counselling to come to grips with why you feel like this? There are probably things about my life that my family don't necessarily agree with, or understand. Things they would do differently etc. But that's irrelevant to me. Because I live my life in a way that suits me, not them.

I strongly urge you to attend your GP and look for a counsellor in your area. Your feelings around a perfectly normal transaction is not healthy. If your siblings have a problem with you renting then that's a problem with them, not you. But the longer you walk around looking and feeling guilty and ashamed the longer you allow them to think they are right.

Please look at this link and make contact with some of the organisations listed.

YellowLead

I’m almost a decade older than you and I haven’t bought a house (though plan to later this year), nobody has given me any grief only sympathy.

I also did Arts by the way and I won’t say what I earn but it’s well in excess of your income (not trying to show off but that trope that Arts degrees are useless isn’t true, it’s the opportunities you chase afterwards that count.) Don’t look for scapegoats. You have value and talent to offer the world, you just can’t see it because for whatever reason you are fixated on what you don’t have.

Think of all those people on welfare not bothering to work, and there you were with two jobs - that’s pretty impressive. You’re not lazy that’s for sure and that goes a long way. You just need direction. Please seek help and give yourself that gift.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703476#Comment_121703476

I don't speak to my siblings much anymore. As I said my Dad begged the one who made the first comments to treat me renting like she would owning and to say renting is not dead money and in turn she stopped speaking to me, and then to my Dad.

I was expected to own at 24, at least that was the age when I said to her I could live in a house share and she started telling how renting is nothing but dead money and I have to buy a house and live at home until I buy. They bought in their mid 20s. So now theres nothing because I dont have family anymore, except for the one living parent none speak to me. Because I couldnt buy a house but still wanted to be treated as a person not as dead money. I just wanted them to say that rent is not dead money and it ended up with the family all falling out.

I did try a councillor, they suggested sitting down with my sibling, showing the cost of a home, showing a mortgage calculator and what I could afford and the difference in cost. She wouldnt engage in it because "she will always view renting as dead money, you have to own a house" and "plenty of people who didnt go to college are able to buy houses"

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703505#Comment_121703505

Im thinking of getting a 2 year Canada visa. For two reasons, my life here is not good enough, my sister will never respect me for it and Im such a failure no one likes me. But in Canada Id be an immigrant, immigrants are not shamed for lower pay, immigrants are not expected to own property. Ive never heard any family members abroad being called dead money, thats only when you rent in Ireland. I cant live like this anymore, I just want people to stop thinking of renters as lower class.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

I'm guessing your siblings have mortgages - in which case you can point out that they don't actually own their home yet, the bank does.

That said, I think you've got to stop worrying about what other people think of you - especially your family - it's destroyed your self-esteem and how this sibling has treated you is downright abusive.

The question now, is: what do YOU want from life? What do you want to do? Only when you've answered that will you be able to tell where you need to be and who you need to be meeting up with and hanging out with. How knows - maybe it's in your home tone/city/country?

If it's not, emigration is always worth a try, but again - you need to know where you want to go and why. Without that, you're running away from something rather than towards something; and emigrtation should always be towards something.

Purple Mountain

OP, I think your posts are getting more extremely worrying especially the reference you made in this opening post.

Please can you reach out to a mental health facility?

You sound like you are having obsessive thoughts now.

You ask for help in your post but there's noone here who is qualified to help.

Make an urgent appointment please.

Big Bag of Chips

Well then your sister has a problem. A very weird one at that. But there's no reason you need to make it your problem. You can't change her mind. But that doesn't mean you have to take any notice of it and give it any weight.

I have friends who rent. I have family, friends, and work colleagues who are renting. There are also people in my life and I have no idea what their accomodation status is. Nor do I care. Why in God's name would I?! I have a 33 year old relative who still lives at home and has no intention of moving out. Renting or otherwise. My 44 year old sister is renting. The world is full of different people in different situations. You should never compare yourself to anyone. Nor should you allow yourself to be compared. We all walk different paths. Your sister has serious issues if she has actually stopped talking to your father. You and your father contribute to this by "begging" her to say something. It all sounds bizarre to be honest.

You need to find peace and find happiness. And you're not going to find that chasing your sister's approval. If it wasn't this, it'd be something else. I cannot ever imagine stopping talking to ANYONE let alone my own family because they rent accomodation.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703518#Comment_121703518

What do I want from life? More than anything I want my sister to arrive at my house that I have a mortgage on, comment on the new Germany car in the drive way, say how much they love the way Ive decorated and send congratulate me on doing so well in life, then to explain to me why they had to be so harsh to get me to that place. Then weeks later I meet the aunt who didn't know I was renting last year (because its not good enough to rent so family don't share it as news) but now she knows that Ive bought like her son. Thats what I want from life, thats my recurring fantasy.

What do I want from emigration? The going away party and coming home at xmas. Cousins went a few years ago. Everyone came to celebrate them at their going away, at my 30th the only topic of conversation was a siblings new bigger house I was never even mentioned or spoken to. So emigration means I would matter at the farewell party. And when you come home at xmas everyone makes an effort and is excited and proud of you. Those are the only things I have thought about for emigrating. Id matter and be recognised.

Like when I get intrusive thoughts of being on my death bed, and my siblings realise that they messed up hating me for not owning.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703527#Comment_121703527

My Dad thinks my obsession is bizarre and never shamed me. But Ive spent whole nights and days in tears with him about the dead money comments so after he has dealt with that a number of times he calls my sister and tells her what her views have been doing. In response she has cut him off it seems

Padre_Pio

Billy you really need to reach out to professional services at this stage.

I think this is the ninth thread you've started on the same topic, with hundreds of posts on other threads.

I don't think Boards.ie has the answers you're looking for. I wish you well.

con___manx1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703513#Comment_121703513

Iv lived in Canada and Australia. If you really want to own your own property go to australia and work in the mines for 3 or 4 years. You will come back with a huge chunk from a mortgage. It's not easy but if your single no kids nothing stopping you.

I wouldn't be mad on Canada. The Canadians are workaholics and they have feck all annual leave. Only 10 days a year usually. They don't really get the irish sense of humour either. As a country its absolutely stunning if your into the outdoors. The winters are terrible and depressing. The only city it doesn't really snow is vancouver but it rains alot in winter. Its Worse than ireland for rain. Vanouver is dangerous as **** in some areas. Th rent over there now is crazy aswell.

The Australians are better to work for and a similar sense of humour to our own. The weather is much better. That is a big lift in itself .

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703618#Comment_121703618

because people like Ray Palmer and ECH or something have shamed me for my income and renting while being from Dublin. Which has lead to a complete mental breakdown. Since a thread in October where they both made comments about my income and "entitlement" for living in Dublin Ive been not sleeping. Im getting at best 3 hours a night. I cant function. On reddit Ive been posting about these issues for 4 years. Ive been obsessed with it since I was first told renting was dead money when i wanted to move out in August 2017.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703621#Comment_121703621

I would never work in a mine. Im a university graduate.

In OZ or Canada Id be an emigrant, so I wouldnt be stigmatised for not owning a home like here. And Id get some recognition from siblings when leaving and back at xmas. Thats my only reasoning for going

Pineapplez56

Jesus your letting your sisters comment about renting literally destroy you? No offence mate, but that is ridiculous. Your sister is ridiculous for saying that and falling out with you and your family over this. You are not the only person in this “renting” boat. It’s extremely hard to even find a place to rent now. Be grateful and be thankful you have a roof over your head. I come from a council estate. Family broke up while I was young, dad had a business we lived in a big house and when they divorced it all went down the drain. He lost it all on stupid financial decisions and his own stupidity and selfishness. Ended up living in a council estate with my mother and siblings after. No shame at all I actually think it made me the person I am today. Work hard and move out of this country I think if you travelled some it might open your eyes and mind to other cultures and the way people live. Iv been around Asia and there is extreme poverty in some of the places I have visited. I rent and I plan on leaving Ireland next year to go travelling again and maybe settle abroad. Sometimes life throws **** at you and you just have to move on and find a new path. This obsession you have with home ownership is just bizarre. Not all of us will get to own a house. These days in particular it’s even more difficult. I can’t tell if you’re a really good troll or if not then you should go and see the world and realise that not everything is about owning a house. Or get some professional help to deal with your issues. Some people are homeless and have nothing.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703622#Comment_121703622

4 years is a long time to be thinking about this. You really should find a mental health specialist and get professional help.

You're talking about taking on a whole lot of debt to buy a house and car purely to get the approval of your family.

You're talking about leaving the country for years just so your family will say something positive about you when you return.

I think we all know what the issue is here, but no one online is going to give you the proper counseling to deal with it. You should make a call to a counselor tomorrow. I guarantee you'll get more out of it than anything you've read here in the past 4 months

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703638#Comment_121703638

Ive tried councillors, and medication. But ultimately Im still dead money. Society looks down on renters. I see no way out. Ill never afford my own place in Dublin (outside the worst areas that my sibling would look down on) and Irish attitudes are if anything getting worse about renters not better. We will never have a European attitude that you can rent and be a good person. We see renting as being for poors and in a meritocracy capitalist society like our, poors are bad people. People on different forums here shamed me as a failure for not being able to buy a house and being single and for studying arts. Horrible horrible comments that destroy a man.

Pineapplez56

Nobody I know shames a renter lmao. I don’t know where you are from. But people with that kind of attitude towards other people must be out of touch with reality entirely, and extremely judgmental and ignorant of other people’s experiences and struggles in life. You need to open your mind to other ways of life and living so go travel would be my suggestion.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703646#Comment_121703646

Have you never heard the horrific phrase dead money? Thats extreme shame.

Where Im from and in my family its expected that you finish school, go to college, get a job, and buy a house. In that order by 25 or 26. And everyone in my family over 40 did that before the 08 crash. My parents did, my grandparents did minus the college. Ive failed to as have other cousins. But my cousins dont have siblings in their 40s to shame them for under achieving on such a massive level. They say Im spoiled and thats why Ive not bought. Even though I work 2 jobs to cover my rent

Pineapplez56

To be honest I am pretty sure you are definitely a troll. There is no way I can believe this comment is serious. If you are actually being sincere here with that comment you’ve made, you should go and get some help.

Pineapplez56

Yes I have heard it. But what else do you want to do? Let that comment ruin your ability to function as a person? Your sister sounds like an extremely judgmental person, and if she can’t have a relationship with you without looking down on you for renting then that is very very strange and weird to me.

Pineapplez56

Live your life for you. Not for your parents. Not for your sister. Do what you can to try and enjoy living. Our parents have expectations of us but they rarely come to fruition. You need to stop caring what other people think of you or you’re going to be miserable.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703649#Comment_121703649

I dont know what else to do. I thought if I got a second job she would see Im trying. I thought then that house sharing was the big issue so started to rent alone. She wouldn't visit, never said congrats or anything. No one did. A cousin bought and everyone talked about it. So this living alone has not worked, house sharing didnt work, extra jobs have not worked. Its emigration thats the obvious next one to try, but its also very possible that because Im single (and in the bottom percentile of looks so that wont change, been rejected since I was 12) and because Im in a low income industry (50k a year, you need a 100k tech job to buy in Dublin single), its very possible I may never make it in life, never own or have the basics of normality or any rights of passage. Therefore I dont know how I can actually live, the idea of owning a home is something before I was 24. Im the first in 3 generations, possible more, to not own a home in my family.

I cant see how others don't see this as a life defining, world shattering thing. I literally dont see any point of life without owning a home as i will always be lesser and dead money without owning. Ive tried the poor options and I lost my sister.

Pineapplez56

If I was you I’d save up and go travel the world it would do you more good than buying a house tbh. You need perspective and experience of other ways of living. You might enjoy another country and end up staying there.

Pineapplez56

And you keep saying things like “the poors” the “poor options”. This is what’s making me feel you’re just taking the piss tbh. Everything is never guaranteed in life. Go and enjoy being a person and seeing things. Instead of worrying about what your sister is thinking of you. If she is thinking about you in that way then imo she is not a person I’d have around she sounds far too judgmental and ignorant. So her opinion is probably the last one I’d ever consider or take note of.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703660#Comment_121703660

Im over 30. You do that as a gap year at 21. If I take a career break now it would be catastrophic for my CV. And my family would hate me doing that. You seem to not realise or ignore that Im Irish, Irish people travel at 21 and buy houses before 30. Unless you mean work in Dubai or something in an attempt to save a deposit? I know some teachers doing that but finding it hard to actually save.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703661#Comment_121703661

I use the term "the poors" because i see that term online a lot. It means loser and I fear I am one.

We live in a meritocracy with free education. I did a degree in an area of my interest as I was told to go to college and follow my passion, I was never told that society had shifted and only tech and finance could provide a normal middle class life. So as a result Im locked out of Dublin home ownership. Its my fault I studied wrong and didnt seek advice on projected earnings nor cost of living trends, though I was 17 and the teachers never once told me Id struggle to buy a home. But anyway, on 50k renting at 31 Im, I fear a poor. A failure who had any chance in a merit society with equal opportunities but was found to be not worth a decent salary and as a result a normal life ie a poor because I am, as a person bad and worthless.

Padre_Pio

It's been said many times before, but you're living only for your families approval.

All these things you keep saying about the perception of renters, "dead money", living outside certain areas in Dublin, achieving X by the time you're Y years old, its all nonsense. You've been told it's nonsense. Your family are idiots if they hold this view so strongly that it's affecting you this badly.

Anyways, there's nothing here that you haven't heard before.

Best of luck.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121703669#Comment_121703669

why does the poster Ray Palmer say such nasty things about renters here then? And other poster like Bass Reves? These people hate renters and see them as being lazy and beneath them

Rubberchikken

Op

If you're genuine then you need to get off boards and Reddit and get proper help from a professional.

Repeatedly thinking about owning a house, concerned about what your siblings think, convinced that others look down on renters etc is doing you no favour.

If you want to emigrate to earn money make friends improve your life, then do.

But if you're only doing it thinking your siblings will be at the airport too greet you on your return, then think again.

You can't make them change.

You can only change yourself.

dubrov

OP, this has nothing to do with renting and your current situation. This has to do with how you view yourself. Stop obsessing about these items as they are not the cause of your problems. Get mental health help now