Struggling to cope with my mother

weatherbyfoxer

Hello,

Recently I have been increasling struggling to cope with my mother who lives beside us in a granny flat,I'm thinking that avoidance is probably the most obvious option but she is 78 and living by herself in the flat,so it not an option

She is what I would describe as my understanding as a "Narcissist",but i could be wrong.Some examples of her behaviour towards me would be refusing help from myself or my wife but then ringing neibours and relatives stating we refuse to help when asked,Using us as an excuse as to why she hasn't achieved something she planned or she needed to do,If we suggest that we don't agree with something she did or going to do she flies off the handle accusing us of bullying and telling her off. Another thing is she wants to be worshipped for what she did in her younger years and also gets quite jealous if anyone points out my wife or my achievements

I call in to her twice a day to bring in post and check if theres anything needed to be done but im getting it hard now with her attitude towards me,helping her is mind games at the best of times with statements like "I might ask X to do this job for me".."Do you know anyone who might do this?"..this is her only rare attempt at asking us for assistance but is much happier if she is getting it from an neibour or relative..to which she makes a point of stating to me how great they were at doing the task for her and only for them she would be lost

One of the biggest things is the numous times we have caught her taking ill about us behind out backs and telling lies on the hope of getting sympathy and pity from people she talks to.She hadn't an easy life with my father but said she wanted to leave him when I was 6 but could not because I didn't want to go with her

Hope this doesn't come across as me just bitching about my mother,she is my mum and I love her dearly but for the first time in my life my mental health is struggling to deal with how she treats me and my wife.Im an only child so its not as if I can turn to a sibling and come up with ways of getting though it

I know you cant let people's actions effect your mental state but I'm struggling to deal with blocking it all out

P.S Please forgive the bad spelling and punctuation as I'm quiet dyslexic and struggle writing long messages

the14thwarrior

i wish you well as this is an impossible situation.

me? at this stage of my life i would ring or text relatives and let them know you have heard untrue remarks etc. and you wished to let them know you are there for your mother to help in any way. no conversations, no excuses, just a well thought out statement and hang up the phone. same with the neighbours. all you can do.

if your mother has had this personality, then she has had it all her life; 50-50 that your relatives would know this, and never believe. but the other half will always listen to the juicy stories.

please look up information on dealing with this behaviour. grey rock comes to mind. you may love her, but it is a tough love, and at 78 she is getting older and more difficult. naturally she has blamed you and everyone for everything and at age 6 to think she is laying the blame on your shoulders is terrible.

hate to say it, your family need you, and your mental health is suffering. and for what?? she will never never never change.

read about this personality type and start putting in your changes to minimise the negative impact

good luck

Mr.Wemmick

Put some simple strategies into place now to support yourself & your wife and steel yourselves against the attacks and passive aggression she’s hurling at you. Doesn’t matter what age she is, it still feels the same and stings & hurts no matter who is doing it.

She isn’t going to change, so you have to.

Take back that power she’s zapping from you and strengthen yourselves, this way you move forward more positively regardless of her behaviour. Be good to yourself & your wife. Take time out, spend some quality time just the two of you focus on each other.

Ring or call round to your relatives & neighbours. Explain the situation very matter of factly. Don’t embellish or get drawn in to having a big conversation - inform them that she is not asking you for help but asking everyone else. Ask them to call you so you can fix, organise whatever it is she needs. Then change the subject, chat about the weather something neutral.

Next time she hurls any comments at you, shrug it off, laugh and tell her to stop being silly. Change the subject immediately to something neutral. Do this on repeat. Don’t give in. Don’t react. Don’t get annoyed. If you feel it’s too much, make your excuses & leave.

The more you react, the more she’ll attack. This has nothing whatsoever to do with her love for you and yours for her. She’s simply behaving horribly.. she could be ill, she’s old and fed up, she’s angry.. a myriad of reasons. Doesn’t matter. The only thing you have to do is manage the behaviour so it doesn’t get under your skin.

Each time you do this, you’ll feel empowered. Looking after your Mum without getting hooked into the hate, resentment, envy, guilt, the baggage.

Park the emotions and tell yourself you’re doing a great job ( you are!) once she sees she’s not having the desired effect, she’ll calm down.

Any nonsense she tells people behind your back, ignore it. Seriously ignore. Anyone with a grain of intelligence will see it for what it is.

Hannibal_Smith

My mother is difficult and that's putting it mildly. I take nothing from her, neither compliment or insult any more. And just thinking on it now, she hasn't started anything major on me in a while so it must be working.

You shouldn't take the fall for your mum staying with your dad btw. It was her choice to make not yours.

When your mum (or dad) is thw way your mum is its really hard and it must make it harder being the only child, but at the end of the day trying to change them makes it more difficultbecause its a losing battle. She'll never see things your way, so don't upset yourself by thinking she'll come round or change.

3DataModem

The only advice I can give is

• Don't worry about what she says to other people. Anyone who cares about you will know the truth.
• Don't worry about how she feels. All you can change is what do you, you cannot change how someone else feels.
• The putting down is all fear, guilt, and envy. When you look at her, look at her like a child. Ignore all of the verbal acting out, reset your expectations, focus on making sure she is safe, well, fed.
• Don't expect her to change. Don't try and make her change.