Grieving my parents.

Rachel31

My heart is so broken 💔💔 I lost both my parents year after year I cannot focus on daily life I hide from the world I'm out of work sick I can't cope when will I feel normal again 😭💔💔💔

Rachel31

Help is waiting up to 6 months and more going to A&E and wait for hours only to be told to go home and watch Netflix and sign a form before leaving that you won't harm yourself 🥺

JupiterKid

Hello Rachel 31.

I am so sorry to hear about your losses- I also lost both my parents by a relatively young age (40) and I know how hard it can be.

It also sounds like you are depressed and need to contact your GP/doctor to avail of referral for bereavement counselling and supports.

However, After Hours is not the appropriate forum for this thread. I am moving thus now over to Personal Issues where you will receive helpful and much more empathetic feedback.

JK (Moderator)

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121567631#Comment_121567631

Can you tell us what you have done to try and help yourself? Have you tried to source some counselling/talk therapy?

Quandary

I lost my mother and father within 18 months of each other by the time I was 25 years old. I threw myself into work and hobbies which definitely helped distract me and focus in the short term but any time my mind had an opportunity to wander I would suffer. I also had to make a concerted effort not to drink daily because when I did it gave me a pleasant numbness but followed by despair.

Im 43 now, am married and have 3 kids and I still have not dealt with the loss of my parents completely. It's a lot easier today but the grief definitely damaged me emotionally. Sometimes I find myself resentful towards my wife because she still has both her parents fit and healthy and this is an extremely unhealthy pattern of thinking my mind slips into. I never tried any form of professional help and tried to deal with it on my own and its something I really regret.

Try counselling or some other form of professional help. It's something I will be looking into myself this year, 18 years later than I should have.

It does get easier but you need to try all and any help you can get if you are struggling.

All the best

Goodigal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121567631#Comment_121567631

Hi Rachel, I am very sorry for your losses. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. If you text HELLO to 50808 there is someone there to chat to, over text, and maybe help get you out of that low feeling for a brief time.

But seeking out grief counselling is probably the best place to start. It'll take time and effort to manage your feelings, but a good grief counsellor will help you get there. Mind yourself.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121570309#Comment_121570309

whos running that service?

Goodigal

Originally was HSE but think it's a standalone charity now.

banie01

I am sorry for your loss and in particular that you have been hit so hard by your grief. In my own path through grief I've come to think of it as the price we pay for love. The more we love a person the more we mourn their loss.

There are a couple of analogies that fit my experience and may be helpful for you. 1st off, a line often trotted out is that "time heals". Not so in my own experience, what time does is help you get better at coping.

You still miss them, but you get better at managing your grief, better at "being better", some see that as resilience but, it's a resilience that is built. Like a scar, initially it's open, bleeding and raw. Over time, it scabs over and bleeds less, but it still bleeds. After a while more? It scares over and you may not even think of it for a little while. Then something happens, a sing, a smell and your scar starts to ache.

That leads into my 2nd analogy for how grief affects me. It's like standing on the diving board at Salt hill and looking out across the sea. Some days it's calm and peaceful, others it's blustery, rough and wavy and then every so often the sea broaches the shore, floods the carpark and other places.

That's what my journey through grief is like. On the one hand I have gotten better at managing my scar and the bits of it within my control. On the other, there are things, coincidence and memory triggers that are completely outside of my control. That's when the sea breaks over my head and I find myself trying to stay afloat and keep my scar dry in a stormy flood.

I lost my 1st wife in 2007 and it took me years to find balance with that loss. Her mam's birthday is today and I was writing her a message this morning when a particular song came on the radio, 16yrs after losing her, I bawled.

There is no timetable for grief, what matters is that you mind yourself, you find your way to balance and that you keep trying.

Take care and don't be afraid to ask your GP, or any of the mental health services for help.

Goodigal

That's such a beautiful post @banie01

banie01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121570469#Comment_121570469

Thank you, there's a few lessons in there that are hard learned. Since losing my wife, I've lost my parents and harder still one of my younger brothers in July. I carried him home from the hospital after he was born, doing my "big brother" job 😉

Never did I think I'd be shouldering him out for the last time. This Christmas was a rough one as after we lost our Mam in 2014, he was the jovial gentle giant spot of glue that held the rest of us siblings together. It will get easier, and next Xmas one of us will no doubt step up.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121567631#Comment_121567631

I can’t put the grieving process as eloquently as has already been done but just wanted to comment on this post specifically.

Lost a parent in the last few years and the surviving parent had a breakdown more than a year after the very sudden death. They were lonely but doing “well” as far as most of us could tell before that. Had attended one counseling session up to then but didn’t like it and never went back.

Brought them into the A&E when they were expressing suicidal thoughts where we talked to a crisis nurse and doctor but were sent home with sleeping tablets and a follow up call booked for the next day. After a (thankfully very weak) suicide attempt, were brought back to A&E before being checked into a Pscyh ward for a week with more medicine, supervision and counseling. Months and months of counseling followed, twice a week for the early parts.

They are doing better now but obviously still lonely to varying degrees (they describe it as waves). I just hope to get the point across that A&E is going to be limited in what they can do and there unfortunately is no quick fix. The services mentioned by others above could be very beneficial.

rob w

So sorry to hear of your loss OP, and the way you are feeling right now.

I lost my mum last year very suddenly and I took a month off work afterwards thinking it would help. I didn't really deal with it in that time and went headlong back into work afterwards. Looking back, I was in a very bad place and spent about 8 months working with my head buried in the sand, all the time getting angrier, more anxious and stressed, more irritated, feeling less like wanting to live each day. Ended up totally burned out by August last year and ended up off for a month on stress leave.

I have to say that going to the GP to talk to them is your first port of call. They can help you. They will have a more sympathetic ear than a crazy busy A&E department.

Talk to a counsellor, your GP can help you find one, finding the right person to talk to can really change things - although it can take time, so you may need to give it a chance. You don't have to be alone in this grief. Its amazing how much it has helped me in the past 6 months - and I had seen counsellors in the past and walked away after 1 or 2 sessions, thinking it was useless. I am quite an introverted person, and like to bottle things up generally.......... but it is really is good to talk and I am trying a new way!! I hope you can too!

You could try to find your own thing that will give your head some peace and help, and everyone is different and does this in different ways, exercise, art, yoga etc. Besides counselling the things that have helped me are mindfulness/some form of meditation. I swim in the sea regularly and I find it has amazing benefits for clearing my head and improving mood. It really helps me clear my mind and alleviate stress!

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way right now, but take solace in the thought that it wont be like this forever - @banie01 has described it very succinctly

Rachel31

I actually can't cope with counselling talking to a stranger that knows nothing about my parents and my relationship with them 😞

Rachel31

I did try counselling and it was the worst experience ever brought into a room with a candle lighting and a box of tissues beside me I ran for my life sobbing it was like a morgue it wasn't for me 😬

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121577581#Comment_121577581

Sorry for your loss Rachel.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. What works for others may not necessarily work for you. It's sometimes hard to even figure it out but that's where the help and support comes into play.

I lost my father less than 18 months ago and my sister just last month; her months minds tomorrow. I took three weeks off for both and went back to work this week as that is what helps me. I've to watch my poor mother, sister and niece suffer so I put all my focus on them. My sister's death hasn't effected me the same way as my father's did. I guess I'm just coping with it better having already gone through it all but I haven't the faintest idea.

As others have said time is a great healer and it does get easier but I know that's no good to you right now. If you're not ready to see someone in person would it help over the phone? Have you any close family or friends you could talk too? Have you tried getting away for a bit and distancing yourself and not be reminded of everything? You need time to heal and recover but with that comes the process of grief which sadly there is no time scale for.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121577581#Comment_121577581

Really sorry for your loss.

Your experience of counselling is absolutely normal..for you.

Whatever your gut is telling you now is what's right for you now.

Do you have a sibling, best friend or someone you trust who you can open up to?

You people around you now who can carry you for a while.

Rachel31

Thanks for the text but my so called family mean noting to me I texted them and told about my mental health and I was blocked 🥺All I care for now is my own little family x

Rachel31

I understand every one deals with it in different ways but it's a pain that can't be healed 😞

JP Liz V1

I'm sorry for your loss

May I ask have you siblings?

Can you talk to a friend or family member?

Counselling may help but healing from grief takes time if ever fully

Take Care

Rachel31

Thanks I have siblings we all fell out when my mother passed x I haven't even seen my mother ashes ⚱️😭😭

Tork

Rachel, who referred you to the counsellor? Was it your GP? Like with anything in life, there are good counsellors and there are ones who are not so good. Some specialise in certain types of therapy and perhaps the one you visited wasn't a good fit. Maybe you weren't ready to talk. Maybe you still aren't.

Are you on medication or have you spoken to a GP recently? I get the impression that boards is the latest in a long line of things you've tried unsuccessfully. You alluded to going to A&E and being told to go home and watch Netflix.

Are we on boards able to help you in a meaningful way? I'm not so sure. None of us are qualified to help somebody who is obviously very distressed and is struggling with their grief.

banie01

Hi Rachel, I am sorry to hear you haven't been comfortable with a counsellor and also that you and your siblings have fallen out. The latter in particular is a situation I can understand and empathise with. I know in my own case, my mother was the glue at the centre of our family.

I'm the eldest of 8 siblings, and my mother was always the calming influence and moderator. When there was an argument? She would either calm the waters or we'd often put it to one side to save upsetting her. After Mam died in 2014, 1 of my brother's filled that role, until he passed away this July. That said I am still estranged from a couple of siblings and my life is calmer for it.

One of your sentences jumped out at me "All I care for now is my own little family x" That's a perfectly valid strategy, but it's one you can't really implement until you find a way to strike a balance with your grief. You're grief won't vanish, even with the most accomplished counselling in the world! It is all about finding a path that allows you to balance your grief, with your life and your being there for your own little family.

A line I trot out often when offering condolences is, "May the memory of happier times shared be a light in the darkness of your grief." It's a reminder to treasure the good memories, to use them as a help at our lowest. I should perhaps add, that no matter wonderful those memories are? We can't live in our past.

At my lowest, my motivation was external. I had a young son who had lost his mam, and I needed to make sure he was ok. Life became quite mechanical, I felt guilty for any bit of joy that came my way.

It took me over 4 and a ½ years to move my wife's clothes out of our bedroom. I' spent far too long placing my face into her old clothes hoping to catch her scent, hoping that I'd wake up! That there'd been a horrible mistake, a Dallas style dream and that I'd wake up and everything would be back to "normal" or at least what I wanted normal to be. Suffice it to say, that hope was in vain.

I had very similar experience to you when I first tried grief counselling. How can someone who doesn't know the person I lost be of any help? They don't know, they can't possibly help, they can't understand. I'd seen and dropped 2 counsellors because of that and took a break of 5yrs before trying again.

It dawned on me that when I spoke about Kate (or my mam) with people close to me and them. They got upset too, they wanted to listen and help, and god love them they tried!

But? They got upset along with me and their own grief. It turned into a feedback loop. As I unloaded, they got upset, as they got upset, I got more upset for imposing that on them.

That's when I tried counselling again, and the benefit of someone listening, helping me address my emotional state and grief without them becoming upset due to shared grief. It became a great help. The disconnect allowed them space to be a rational balance to my emotional state.

There is no magic wand to make the pain stop, as horrible as it is. It's perseverance, patience and support that will get you there.

Mind yourself.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121578987#Comment_121578987

Well said!