Rehabilitation possible for elderly alcoholic?

di11on

Hi folks,

My mum is over 70. She has always had an unhelpful relatonship with alcohol. She's been recently bereaved and has hit the bottle really hard. She fell down the stairs and broke her neck when intoxicated and is really lucky to be still mobile, although with some pain... but now she has a titanium reinforced neck and unlikely to be so lucky a second time. It's plain for everyone to see that she is an alcoholic and a pretty bad one too.

I live in another country and this is not my first rodeo, having gone through it with my dad already - so I won't be taking any personal responsibility for my mum's drinking and will be insulating myself and my own family from the fallout and I make no apology for it whatsoever.

However, it's my mum and I am wondering what, if anything, could possibly be done to help her. She doesn't even acknowledge it was her drinking that led to the fall.... she doesn't admit she has a problem. If you call her after 9pm she won't be able to form coherent scentences.

So my question - and I would be very sicerely grateful to everyone who focusses on the question rather than other issues which I have provided for context:

What can be done to help my mum? Are there things the family can to do help without overly exposing themselves? Is rehabilitation even possible for someone over 70 who seems to not have a lot in their life apart from the drink? She won't reach out herself - so the question here is given that she won't admit she has a problem or needs help, what can be done? What are the options? She is clearly a danger to herself.

Thanks in advance folks - appreciate it if you have read this far.

TherapyBoy

..the question here is given that she won't admit she has a problem or needs help, what can be done?..

Nothing.

If she doesn’t acknowledge there’s a problem & won’t stop drinking there’s nothing you can do.

She has already fallen down while drunk & broken her neck but continues to drink. She has to want to stop drinking before you can help her stop drinking, it never works any other way.

manonboard

If she is still at the stage that she wont admit there is a problem. You are completely and utterly powerless to help support her to create change. I'm sorry OP, but there's zero possibility from your description.

Its a massive effort even when the person fully recognizes the problem, and is intent on improving things. Even then, failure is recurring and persistent in most cases for many many years. Your mum sounds like she is not even close to being at the start of that journey.

I want to say, i'm proud of you for recognizing its not your responsibility. I'm glad you will protect yourself and your family from this horrendous disease that affects your mother. That wisdom is not easily learned, so i'm sorry you've had to deal with it before.

ELM327

If she doesnt admit to herself she has a problem then nothing. If she wants to change and admits the problem then a lot can be done.

GAAcailin

Very tough one to deal with; can you talk to her GP? At that age if she's been a heavy drinker for a long time she possibly has some liver damage.

Does she have any other health issues for which she sees a doctor? Might be able to convince her to have bloodwork done and could be an awakening call...

Oscar_Madison

Hi OP

Had a similar situation with a relative- same age category also- she’s been off the drink for over 6 years so there is hope.

She went to a residential unit that treats people with alcohol issues and for some reason it worked- now saying that she also had the support of family close by so that certainly helped. The residential unit was covered by her health insurance - she went twice but gave up the drink after the first visit- I think the second visit was just a holiday for her 😀

I must point out that at the time she had early onset of dementia so that may have “helped” the situation too- every situation of course is different when it comes to alcohol but just letting you know, in this situation it worked out amazingly well- I know there was group therapy at this residential centre amongst other things but Jesus whatever they did there, just seemed to flick a switch with her - best of luck - I know it can’t be easy, especially living abroad.

claregal1

Hi OP, unfortunately if she won't admit she has a problem there isn't anything you can do.

Similar situation here myself and whilst we can find it so frustrating all we have done is just ensure that she is okay in the evenings. We are fortunate in a way that my brother has moved home for the time being and can keep an eye on her, but he won't be there for ever. The irony of it all is one of my sisters is a recovering alcoholic and it was my Mam that finally got her into rehab and she is 3 years sober now. Mam still won't admit she has a drinking problem.

It's hard been abroad and worrying like this. Go easy on yourself.

Slightly Kwackers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121561082#Comment_121561082

Breaks neck when drunk and waits for blood test to see if there's a drink problem??

I have known more than one alcoholic who on receipt of the news from the doctor that their life would be over if they continued drinking, went into the pub for a "last one", that of course was just the first "last one" of an infinite number after the diagnosis,

A visit to an AA meeting might help. You don't have to admit or even be aware that things might be desperate initially, but meeting others that have admitted they are powerless and hearing of their similar drink related experiences might be a key.

They do assist the individual to identify whether they are an alcoholic, a diagnosis that only the sufferer can make.

Big Bag of Chips

They do assist the individual to identify whether they are an alcoholic, a diagnosis that only the sufferer can make.

I don't think this is necessarily true. I knew my husband had a problem with drink long before he ever did. He only faced up to it after I walked out. Unless you want to call me "the sufferer" in this case, which I certainly was! Him admitting he had a problem with drink didn't just make him an alcoholic that day that he said the words out loud. His drinking caused very serious problems in our relationship for years leading up to that.

OP, I'm not sure there's a lot you can do. Especially from a distance. If she's considered to be of sound mind she will not be put into treatment without her consent. If there is family living close to her you might suggest Al-Anon to them. It will give them tools to cope. And if their behaviour around your mother changes, then she may (or may not) find that her behaviour has to change too.

I'm sure health professionals have spoken to her. But she is in total denial. An "intervention" rarely works if the person is so deep in denial. It's likely to only make her pull further away from everyone. Start with Al-Anon for the people who are close. Give them some tools to cope and deal with her drinking and see if it has any effect.

factnee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121561082#Comment_121561082

I wouldn't be relying on the GP for any miracles. I spoke to him about my father. He told me, quite rightly, he had already got enough warnings in terms of the health scares that he had and nothing he (the GP) would say would make any difference.

His face was the colour blue from it in the end but he still chose to ignore it and was convinced that if he only ate even more veg and fish, which he did already, he would be fine. He died at 66. There is nothing you can do as everyone else here has said. Please accept this; you sound like a wonderful person. She doesn't deserve you.

danslevent

Call the Alcoholics anonymous hotline in the area she lives in, sometimes they have people who can phone her.

And to echo others, you can do nothing really. Go to an Al Anon meeting for yourself tho. These are available online and in person and they will save your mental health.

I really feel for you OP xx

Slightly Kwackers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121567471#Comment_121567471

No one will ever go through the "pain" of fighting the addiction unless they admit to themselves they are an alcoholic.

That is the basis of all treatment, until that point is reached then short of locking someone up and removing all access they are simply not going to submit to the difficulty of "recovery". Like prisoners they will then hit the booze on their earliest opportunity when released.

There were I think some forced antabuse trials and it was offered to prisoners in the US as a carrot for sentence reduction but I would guess the effects are minimal the problem being that even the antabuse route needs admission of the problem by the recipient.

People can have problems with drink and still control it, the problem is the control slips over time and there comes a point where there is none at all, the drink rules before food, job anything else. Only the sufferer knows when the no control point is reached, The problem being that the stuff has become like food, a normal part of life and they are no ,more able to stop drinking than stop eating.

The other thing is of course the lady might be happy in denial. The stress of a considerable change to ones life might just not be worth the effort.

Booze can be a ticket out of the lunacy of the modern world for some,

I did hear of doctors telling people of an advanced age not to bother giving up smoking if they derive "pleasure" from it. Alcohol is a more intrusive addiction as regards behaviour, but I'm sure many in AA meetings secretly wished some members were propping up a bar well away from them because it would be to everyone's benefit including the drunks!