Long but please bare with me

Marymoore

Hi my names Jane. I don’t have a boards account so using my sisters one (incase people read conflicting stories in other posts under my name)

I am living with my partner and our 8 year old daughter. He came home drunk tonight and completely picked a fight at me. He’s been picking fights for the last while and I literally just want peace.

to give some background, my partner was smoking Marujana daily and decided to quit 2 weeks ago. When he was smoking I was completely oblivious to him having any other issues… he has an addictive personality so assumed it was an addiction. However he told me he has decided he’s quitting it and being a healthy good man. But he’s suddenly started to blame me. He says I am the reason he smoked it and he needs it to be with me. He says I need to talk to a psychologist for my issues but when I ask what issues or what’s wrong with me he doesn’t tell me. It’s very toxic for me and I’m finding him very intense and hard to be around. He’s turned to drink now daily instead. Initially when he quit I believed he was turning to healthier habits but now I see he’s just replaced it with drink. I amnt a naggy woman and left him do what he wanted. I just want a peaceful life but he won’t stop coming up to me telling me to get help. I honestly am normal functioning and make my days about my daughter and doing stuff with her. Yet he spent the whole day in the pub today and came home and kept telling me to get help. I don’t understand what is wrong with him? Why is he doing this to me?

But tonight he packed his suitcase and told me he’s leaving us (in front of my daughter) my daughter was devastated and I couldn’t stop her crying. I convinced my partner to stay just as it broke my heart seeing my daughter so upset. But now I’m unsure how to explain it to her tomorrow?? I want her to feel secure and I know that kind of stuff is scarring for a child and traumatic. I’m so upset he did that in front of her. I wasn’t even fighting with him I simply told him to stop bringing me down everyday.

what can I say to my daughter to make her feel secure and that her father won’t leave her traumatically like that??

and also what is wrong with him. I’m really confused and can’t understand him. He’s anxious all the time and intense and blaming me. Honestly was a much nicer person when he smoked everyday as horrible as that sounds. It’s like he suddenly snapped and is attacking me and telling me I have issues now but he can’t see his own… any psychologists here who can enlighten me?

thanks

marilynrr

What is the housing situation? Do you own the house or is it rented?

You should have let him leave when he packed his suitcase. If he tries that again can you take your daughter out so she doesn't have to witness it?

what can I say to my daughter to make her feel secure and that her father won’t leave her traumatically like that??

You can't and shouldn't say anything to your daughter about him not leaving because you don't know what way this is going to work out.

What are you going to do if he goes out drinking again tomorrow?

airy fairy

Firstly, you cannot undo what your daughter has seen and heard. The seed of insecurity has now been planted.

What kind of father physically packs a bag and tells his 8 year old he's fecking off? What kind of hysteria must she have witnessed with you begging him to stay? You can't undo this. (Do not blame yourself, you did what you naturally thought was best at the time).

I'd hazard a guess and say his drinking has been going on under the radar all along and only come to the surface in the last two weeks since the weed has stopped.

Truthfully, I think he needs to go, let him sober himself or drink himself to rock bottom. His choice. All the pleading in the world, and bargaining, will not stop his behaviour long term. You cannot let your daughter witness his threats of departure, and you asking him to stay, again.

He is the problem here.

You are not.

Marymoore

Thanks for your replies. I just don’t know how to console my daughter if he leaves… it breaks my heart. I felt physically sick from all the attacks at me and would have let him leave if it wasn’t for her. It really hurt me so much to see her balling her eyes out and crying so hard she was begging me not to let him leave 😟

i really wish we could work out but even when im quiet and don’t talk he confronts me. It feels like he’s trying to bring me down. Hes not happy. I wish he’d snap out of it cos it’s really draining me. Hes making it like im the problem but I haven’t done anything at all to him. I worry that he’s not right mentally cos he’s not making sense

marilynrr

Your daughter was hysterical due to the way your partner handled it. Any child would be if they witnessed their dad in that state dramatically leaving. She would most likely be a lot more calm if he left and she didn't have to witness it.

Whatever is going on it's something serious, it might have seemed to happen all of a sudden but he's unlikely to just snap out of it as quickly and go back to normal.

He sounds volatile, there's no guarantee that won't happen again, you don't even know or understand what's going on and it would be in everyones best interests that he leaves. Don't try to stop him if he tries to go again.

If it were me I'd ask him to leave, best case scenario he would agree to leave without a fuss, and I would tell your daughter that it wasn't right how he behaved the night before so he had to go to stay somewhere else but that the two of you were going to have the best fun ever and have a girls night sleeping in your bed watching movies or whatever..

Not easy if he won't leave without a fuss but I would want to show her that even though you begged him to stay that his behaviour was not acceptable and I would also want to limit the risk of him trying to leave so dramatically again.

airy fairy

I'll guarantee you, your daughter witnessing the verbal abuse you are recieving from this man, on top of the hysterical bag packing episode is far far more traumatic on her than removing her from the situation, ie him leaving.

She is 8 years old, and no matter how much you've hidden his smoking and drinking from her, she knows it's not right. They are sponges at that age.

A person doesn't become addicted to drink and behaves this way over a period of two weeks. This sounds like a long term thing that has now surfaced, (they usually do eventually).

Your man has problems, they are not yours, and certainly not your child's. Removing him from the situation will be sad for her, but you can then work on securing her mentally when the threat is removed.

And no, he's not right mentally if he's drinking or taking other substances. But you cannot stop that, all the begging in the world will not stop that. He sounds like he is preferring his substance of choice over you, and his daughter right now. Him willing to leave without a thought shows he's choosing drink and whatever else. He hasn't even realised he can loose you both, so there will be more of this of this ahead before it even dawns on him.

marilynrr

Absolutely agree with @airy fairy

If you remove the threat from the home then at least you will have some control over the situation, even if there are tears etc at least you will be able to keep her safe in her home environment It's the best option right now.

kowloonkev

Firstly I think you made a mistake in begging him to stay. It made you look fragile in front of your daughter and her father is obviously not dependable. You need to be a rock here for your daughter and put your emotions to one side. Make sure she knows you will always be there and tell her that the two of you are strong and can conquer the world together. Don't make any promises about her father. She needs to know at least one of her parents is stable, dependable and doesn't spout bs.

Cool your feelings for him. Don't play his games and avoid arguing as much as possible.

Question: Does he actually have a place to go to? Or was leaving just an idle threat?

Rubberchikken

Some good advice in above posts.

You don't need this man in your lives while he is treating you as badly as he is.

In hindsight you may realise you should have let him go. Your daughter already knows how he behaves. She knows he's smoking. She knows he's drinking.

And she head him treating you and talking down to you in an unforgivable way.

What is any of that teaching her?

I'm really sorry this is happening to you both. But you need to decide if he's worth it. Personally I don't.

Take care.

iniscealtra

This man is not acting like a responsible adult. Why are you the only parent looking after the child while he basically fecks off to the pub

Ask to have a chat with him when he is sober otherwise it is pointless being attacked verbally when he is inebriated.

I would have let him leave as by asking him to stay you are enabling some really bad behaviour.

TheadoreT

OP he's treating you terribly and you're begging him to stay? What sort of message is that sending out? People receive the treatment that they allow in life. He knows he can do whatever he wants without repercussions.

You should be the one setting the boundaries and threatening to walk here, not walking on eggshells and accepting terrible behaviour.

Big Bag of Chips

Jane, I'm sorry, using another posters account is not allowed, and could result in your sister being banned from the site. Please sign up with your own account, it's free and easy to do. Once you have opened your own account send me a PM and I will reopen the thread.

Thanks.