Is he over her

clairefoles

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years now. Throughout our relationship I felt he never fully loved me. I immediately loved him and gave my heart but always found him unromantic even though he’d tell me he loves me etc. for the first few years I was the perfect girlfriend, always pleasing him and giving my 100% but I grew tired of not getting much in return. He’s selfish and didn’t meet my needs. He smoked weed daily as an escape from issues he seems to have and he drank a lot also. I began hanging out with friends more as didn’t feel fulfilled in the relationship. However he now appears to be more into me when I pull away. He has a big issue with me going on nights out without him and told me I’m going backwards. But it’s like he’s never happy. He ignored me for years and now when I finally feel a bit free he’s trying to suck me back in. He opened up and told me that when he was 17/18 his first love broke his heart and he lost faith in love. He told me it was a trauma for him and it left a blockage in him. He admits he didn’t open up to me… he says he does love me. Does it sound like he never got over this girl? It’s just 15 years seems an awful long time to have these unresolved issues… he admits he has trust issues cos of what happened. Does it sound like he loves me? He told me he was romantic with her but he’s never been romantic with me… I feel I want more than that from a man and told him that and he said he loves me so much and will try to work on himself to be the man I deserve… should I give him a chance or give up and find someone who puts me on a pedestal

CramCycle

Run away. Nothing to do with getting over her, lots of people never get over certain people. If people couldn't move no without being over someone then lots of people would never go anywhere. The issue here is that at 30+ he is still acting like he is 19. Just let him go and move on as quickly as possible. Be brutal with him when he comes back, do not cave in. He is only coming back because you are pulling away and his ego is tested. He is a man child, nothing more complicated than that.

clairefoles

I would normally say you have no idea if I got this advice but it really is spot on so I can’t argue with it. How did u know he is a man child? You’re 100% right he is for lots of other reasons which I didn’t go into. But what is his actual issue? I mean he says he realises I’m so good and all so why didn’t he let his guard down then? I feel he’s so damaged and I don’t know if I can fix him. I feel he has to constantly block his emotions cos he’s weak and can’t face them. I don’t know what he expected, he was the worst boyfriend for years and as soon as I lose interest he tells me this… why wouldn’t he tell me sooner it’s so frustrating

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539217#Comment_121539217

*edited*

Ive been where you are.

Perfect GF. Giving and giving to a man child. Putting effort in and giving 100% always. Ex was similar to your BF. There’s always an excuse for their bad behaviour when in actual fact; they are just men acting like spoilt teenagers who need to grow up.

I cut my ex man child loose. Still hurts a year later but it was also the right thing to do. He was just using me to pass time while I longed for something “real”. Real interest, real intimacy, real life. And when I say “real”, I don’t mean running up the aisle…I mean someone who was real and present in the moment with me with energy and enthusiasm. Someone who genuinely wanted to make a relationship work and put in what I was putting in. Investing and building. I was building alone where my ex was concerned. I look back and kick myself for all the love and effort I put in. But that’s love, eh?

I don’t regret ending it OP. The only thing I do regret is that I didn’t do it sooner tbh. I knew deep down the truth but wanted to be loved and stayed hoping he would “cop on” one day.

I assure you - you will be ok. Weigh up everything. Take time and think carefully. If you decide to walk away, it is going to hurt but also know you don’t need to feel bad as anticipated. I felt a mix of heartbreak and relief.

8 years is a long time. 9 is longer and so on.

Think of what you want and how you want to be treated.

clairefoles

Thank you. I think I would also feel heartbroken and a part of me relief. I am a woman who loves having a partner so it would be hard to be alone. I know it’s not a reason to stay. But also worry that maybe I won’t meet anyone, all the good ones are taken right?!

Breezy_

You've lost a good bit of time already. Don't lose anymore or you'll really kick yourself.

Theirs a song out that some girl sings about her fella that only contacts her when shes doing well. He's similar. And it'll go straight back to how things were. Don't think he has changed or seen the light cuz he told you about a 15 year old ex.

Weed and drink. Fugg that.

Leave him tomorrow. He told you you're going backwards! Jesus.

And you're not looking for someone to put you on a pedestal either. Find someone that treats you like you treat them. Don't over adjust or you'll waste more years. Or just stay single.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/12/15/a-psychologist-explains-the-golden-rule-of-good-enough-love/

clairefoles

Do man child’s ever grow up? 😖

clairefoles

I do love him and care so much but hand on heart I don’t think he’s the man for me. He doesn’t make me so happy and fulfilled

Big Bag of Chips

If he hasn't changed in 8 years he's unlikely to change any time soon. He's also unlikely to change without some lengthy counselling where he opens up and admits to his flaws and failings. Admits to his weaknesses. It is very likely that he got his heart broken. But it is very unfair of him to be in a relationship with you for so long knowing that he can't/won't give himself fully to you, won't make you feel loved and special to him.

What does your future look like? What do you hope your future life and relationships will be? You can't play games with him by pulling away and hoping he notices you. If you're pulling away then you have to go the full distance and end the relationship. If you think you have a chance to be happy with him then you have to make him see that you are not happy. If he wants you to be happy together then he will get the help he needs and work on himself so that he is not so close off and guarded.

But you said it yourself he was the worst boyfriend for years. Why? If he was capable of not being such a crap boyfriend why didn't he do it sooner? Because he knew he could treat you like that and you'd stick around. The longer you stay the less incentive he has to be anything different.

Pauliedragon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539295#Comment_121539295

A lot don't. I know a few in their 40, 50,s a lot in their 60s even. Interesting above you said your a woman who loves having a partner. Is "A" partner you want or are your certain it's this guy?

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539290#Comment_121539290

But you're already essentially alone.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539290#Comment_121539290

I went to a counsellor afterwards to help and knowing the ins and outs of the relationship/break up…..they said the best thing ever to me-

“you know, you don’t have to feel sad about this break up. You can feel relieved to be out of it” and while, yes, I do feel very sad time to time , I also wouldn’t go back to him just because I’m still single. I do feel relief a lot of the time…..

Listen - I’ve been on about 10 dates with different people since. I’m now taking a break from dating. Some of them were lovely. Others were pricks. It happens.

But I know I’m a great partner. I love fully and I’m in 100%. I want to built a life with someone, all in. Experience life. I’m ready. I just need to meet someone who is also ready.

But sadly, I haven’t met that someone yet. That someone who has blown me away. However, I have met 10 different versions of my ex if that makes sense and since experiencing my ex, I am quicker to pick the red flags up now and get away. Saving me time. Last thing I want is to waste another 2 years on a clown.

Sounds to me like this guy isn’t for you. You know it, I know it, feck - even he knows it deep down but you’re on a hook and handy to keep around. Handy to wait on him, handy to have for social occasions, handy to bring around to the family home, handy for sex..but yet, you are always at arms length and he keeps kicking a can down the road. Remember - you have a choice too. Do you wanna keep hanging on for the crumbs of affection from him and be a doormat? Or do you wanna stand up, brush yourself down and say “thanks…but no thanks” and we are done now. I think 1-2 years is enough for a man or woman to know do they see something for the long term. Giving you excuses about being 17/18 and being rejected is real scumbag stuff if you ask me. He’s insulting your intelligence.

Walking away allows you to keep your dignity and self respect. I’d rather be alone than in a shite relationship but that’s just me.

If you were happy with what you were getting, you wouldn’t be posting here. It wouldn’t even cross your mind. You deserve better. You know it, he knows it and you may be sure - the people who know and love you know that too and want more for you.

I’ll leave you with another great saying I heard recently :

”being in a relationship is like being in a glass bottle and you can’t read the label from the inside”

When you are wrapped up in a relationship, you can’t see the problems or when you hear people say in disbelief “oh how could she not see how bad he was treating her?” Or “how could he not see she was going to leave him?” Or “ah sure that was always going to end it tears”…..It’s always obvious to objective people who are observing from the outside but when you are in a relationship trying to make it work or all loved up, you don’t see the problems or the “tell tell signs” ….hence why you are now only waking up now or getting wise 8 years later.

OP - good luck. You will be ok.

it’s ok to end it. You don’t have to be sad. Sometimes things run their course and it sounds like they have for you and you need to be ok with that.

Always remember - this is your life.

Idle Passerby

Not over an ex is an excuse. This is just who he is. You say you don't want to be alone, he's the same. He'll say whatever you want to hear to keep you hanging around nut he has no intention of making any lasting changes. What you need to ask yourself is, are you prepared for this to be hiw the rest of your life pans out? You can be unfulfilled and technically not alone or you can be single and have the hope that you will meet someone amazing.

ineedacompass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539384#Comment_121539384

This ^^ OP.

Dont wait for him to decide. He’s already decided how he feels about you by showing you through his actions.

Words mean nothing. My ex “loved me so much” yet he didn’t act like he “loved me so much”

You can go around the houses about this or be real with yourself, honour how you feel and cut this joker loose.

Drink and weed? Using a story from when he was a teenager to justify his bad behaviour as a grown man? Are you mad? Why would you keep a deadweight like that around? Sounds like a time waster. What exactly does he bring to the table?

Wouldn’t be my cup of tea anyway. That’s just me.

Good luck to you OP. You deserve more. X

Buddy Bubs

Read up on attachment theory. This guy sounds like a fearful avoidant. Some great videos on YouTube about it but it's no joke to be involved with someone like that.

Reverse the genders and I was in same situation as you. My ex always complained about her own long term ex who "only wanted her when he couldn't have her" and I didn't really understand it until I realised she was he exact same herself with me. It was all learned behaviour. Too much baggage and it's all she knew.

If I went quiet for a while she'd be pulling me in but once I was in and invested again she'd push me away. And she knew she had me back 100% before pushing me away.

This cycle repeated and repeated I tried to change her but I couldn't. Tried so hard but it was impossible. She'd tell me how much she loved me and talked about the far future but wouldn't talk about next week.

Killed me to break up with someone I loved but I had to do it. Now in a proper relationship and I didn't bring that baggage with me.

Rubberchikken

Let him go Op and get on with your life.

The moment you start to pull away and start living he comes over all 'oh poor me and I haven't got over her' crap .

Once he sucks you back in he'll do his pulling away again.

His weed and drink would have had me not even acknowledging his existence from the start but that's just me.

He sounds like he may never grow up

Don't waste your life on him. Better alone than with this type of person.

TheadoreT

Your questions here are all wrong OP, none of them matter. Instead of "is he over her" or "does her really love me" you should be asking yourself the following.

Why did you fall immediately? Is that healthy? Was it for the right reasons?

Why stay with someone for years when they weren't reciprocating to an acceptable level?

Why do you not have standards and boundaries on what's acceptable re drugs and alcohol use?

Why do you feel you *need* a partner?

You both sound like you need to be single and have a lot of therapy. Neither of you will ever have be happy the way you're currently acting.

Lots of people will walk all over you when you're willing to accept anything and don't assert healthy self worth and boundaries. It's sad to me that you think the only alternative to your current situation is someone who pedastaises you. Mutual loving relationships are perfectly possible. When you do real work on yourself you wouldn't give people like your partner 8 dates not to mind 8 years.

Dial Hard

Why in god's name have you wasted 8 years of your life on a man who doesn't even sound as if he particularly likes you, let alone loves you??? I think some serious introspection is required here OP. Why do you feel the need to be in a relationship? I would genuinely rather spend the rest of my life single than be with a partner who made me feel like your boyfriend does. I can't think of anything worse than being in a relationship and still essentially being alone.

Dump this guy and get yourself into therapy. As others have said, you're asking *all* the wrong questions about your relationship. Have you ever actually been single?

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121539217#Comment_121539217

He's telling you this because he's manipulating you. I seriously doubt he's pining over this ex or damaged from the break up. He told you it simply to stop you breaking up with him.

In your opening post you talk about how he is selfish and you're unfulfilled. So he treats you poorly the majority of the time. But when you have enough and start creating distance he tells you little tit bits to reel you back in. This time you got so independent and distant from him, he had to pull out the sympathy card and make it about some past trauma to get you to hang in there.

You said it yourself - He ignored me for years and now when I finally feel a bit free he’s trying to suck me back in.

That'sexactly what he's doing. It's control. It might seem fairly innocent now, but it has the potential to become pretty harmful and I bet if you were to pull back a bit and look at the relationship, there are other signs of it.

8 years is enough. Don't think that if you just hang in there and help him over this 'trauma' that it'll suddenly become the fulfilling relationship you want. Because his angle is not about working together to build a relationship that works. It is not going to happen. Get out now and don't look back. It's great you've got a good circle of friends around you. They'll help you move forward no doubt.

lbunnae

I seriously doubt he is heartbroken over his 17 year old ex. If he is then he hasn’t reached any level of maturity. Dump and move on, also ask yourself why you stayed with someone who wasn’t romantic when you feel like you are romantic.

thefa

8 years together is a fairly long time for him to wait to be vulnerable and open up about his past so he can start treating you better.

Sure enough, it may well have affected him but you know his actual personality at this stage. It just sounds like an excuse as you’re slipping away.

YellowLead

Too little too late.

You know that feeling of having more freedom - embrace that and spending time with friends.

The most important thing is learning from this experience. Do NOT love somebody immediately again and give them everything from day one - love must be earned, rushing things isn’t good for either party. Both of you will be better off without each other, if you both make the effort to work on yourselves - whether he does or not however isn’t your problem anymore. When you break up, go no contact and lean on friends for support.

ineedacompass

OP, sometimes you know the logical and right answer but don’t have the strength or bravery to action it and choose to stay stuck until someone else makes the decision. I put off the break up for months and put up with more bad behaviour before circumstances and in my opinion, fate (laugh if you will) - sequence of related and unrelated events happened to bring me to action the decision of snapping out of it and saying I’d had enough, good luck.

Turn to your close family member, a friend or a counsellor; someone you trust (not a mutual friend, someone who is just your friend. Last thing you need is someone giving him the heads up), tell them what you plan to do and let them know you need support afterwards. I spoke to my counsellor before the break up. They knew before and after. They also reassured me that I wasn’t the mad one as I kept wondering why I’m not enough for him when in actual fact, I wasn’t the problem. The only problem I had was self doubt and I’m still working on that.

So plan accordingly. Get supports in place beforehand. Meet in a neutral setting. Call it off. You don’t have to sit for an hour and go through the millions of reasons over the 8 years and argue/dissect it. He hasn’t or doesn’t listen to you. The time for analysis and arguing has passed. Be mature and keep your dignity and his. You can simply sum it up as “look, this is not working, it hasn’t been for me for a long time. We want different things. I want to end the relationship”. And leave it at that. Have plans or a place to be afterwards. Don’t get into negotiations or explaining yourself. He had 8 years. Don’t give him any more of your time. He had his chance.

Walk away. No contact cold turkey. Don’t reply or get into manipulative texts or calls because he will try and suck you back in any way possible. Don’t fall for it. Stay off social media too and stop being so available and accessible. You need to be strong here. Lean on your supports. Mind yourself and be kind to yourself. Remember, it’s not all about him. You have a choice here too. It’s your life.

ElizaBennett

I agree with everyone, he's not going to change. Maybe he doesn't love you enough, maybe he's not capable of it, maybe you're just mismatched. You've spent too long on this already, don't add more time.

I've been through this experience from his angle and the relationship finally ended last summer, when my ex got the courage to end it. From my perspective, he was a great boyfriend in many ways and very attentive and kind but I meet him too soon after the previous relationship and wasn't ready to commit. It was lovely to have him in my life but I don't think I would ever have committed to the level he wanted. I do feel that he should have sat me down and talked seriously to me about how he really felt, much earlier on. Instead he just waited for things to improve and me to change and love him enough to want what he wanted. If I'd been properly faced with losing him, I may have made some efforts and I may not, But I do feel sorry that he didn't speak more honestly to me. Instead he just kept trying and trying to please me and make it work and one day he realised nothing would ever change and he couldn't do it anymore. I missed him terribly for about 6 months, felt I wouldn't get over it. But I'm coming out the other side now. I knew all along this was the right thing for both of us, painful as it was. And don't worry about meeting someone new. I was massively panicked about that, though no one would want me again (probably part of the reason I stayed in the relationship as I'm 9 years older than him.) Not a problem. Believe me. Once you start dating you'll see there's a whole other world out there, when you're ready for it. And that might be sooner than you think. This could be a lot easier to get over than you're anticipating. I'm hoping that's the case for my ex too. He's an amazing man and deserves to be happy. As do you.

Idbatterim

Op you are around what? early thirties? do you want kids etc? Look, maybe maybe he suffers from depression, isnt into you enough, a mix of a load of factors, who knows. But from what you are saying here, I would be looking to leave the relationship.. you dont want a man that treats you like your current partner, but you equally dont want one who puts you on a pedestal. You want a good loving partner, who fulfils your needs and shares similar values and wishes for the future...