Wife is cheating again

AnonHusband

Hi,

We have been together for 24 years and married 15 and have 3 kids under 15. Maybe 15 years left on a joint mortgage.

About 7 years ago I confronted her about suspicious emails and she admitted to seeing a guy that she had an affair with before we were married. That was a terrible experience but I decided to forgive and work through it.... It did cast a shadow on the marriage. I started to drink too much but gave that up completely 3 years ago.(3 years dry yesterday actually)

Now over the last 2 years sex life has been cold (My libido disappeared after I stopped drinking) and in the last year I noticed a step change in her moods and affection. She would say that I am the cold one and I am certainly not one to talk feelings easily. 4 months ago I noticed some very suspicious activity and finally confronted her yesterday. She admitted to having an affair again.

I am a pretty calm guy but I am really hurting. Struggling to eat and sleep. Betrayed. She says it is not a fling and is meaningful. She says it changes nothing and is proposing that we continue to live together while she continues to see this guy.

To me this is a crazy idea and show a deep lack of respect for me. I want her to move out as I am extremely uncomfortable around her and have been since I started to suspect she was doing it again. They only option I see is that she moves into an apartment/house within walking distance of our house and we continue to share costs and parenting duties as we do now. That is if we can afford it. It will be tight. But I just cant look at her as it hurts.

But she is a good mum and I want her to be with the kids as much as possible. Her life is filled with outdoor hobbies and socializing. I prefer to tinker with projects at home. It makes practical sense to me that I stay in the home (apart from the fact that she did the cheating 3 times)

I cant fathom how we would explain any split to the kids. I have not got my head around that bit yet. But I cannot take this on the chin again for them.

Love to hear some advice .

X.

Str8outtaWuhan

Are you sure the kids are yours, OP?

Mod - Warning applied.

Personal Issues is an advice forum. We ask that posters offer advice to the OP when posting. Your posts regularly fall below the standard required. Read the charter before posting again in PI.

A City rising

Very sorry to hear OP.

I'm sure there's posters who could give better advice but or me its important you surround yourself with people who you can talk about this and who you trust ,ideally family or close friends.

Given that she's constantly betrayed you I think you need to consider she won't move out easily as she owns half the house

Augme

Get a solicitor. As much as you might want her to move out, you can't force her and changes are she won't. Accept it's over and work out how best to move forward. Also, starting seeing women yourself. Get out and start living your life.

AyeGer

Some people can be so heartless. I feel for you op. The marriage is clearly beyond redemption. She doesn’t deserve you. The only question now is how do you both move on.

I suspect she wants to stay in the family home as she doesn’t want to move out and end up having to stay out. If she says this is not a fling then why isn’t she planning to move in with this new guy?

Tread carefully and hopefully you get to stay in the family home with the kids, with shared access for your ex wife.

Markcheese

Eeeek , rough situation - try keep your head up , get some legal advice ( but remember its just advice - ) , probably get some counciling, (for you )

And work out what suits you and your kids the best ,consider everything -

But remember if / when you move out , you're not likely to move back in -

So Take time to make a decision you cant go back from -

Congrats on staying off the booze - it obviously means a lot to you -

mountai

Keep away from solicitors . Solicitor V Solicitor = Confrontation , and , Confrontation = Bitterness . You are obviously hurt and feel wronged , but remember , there are two sides to every story . Mature negotiation will eventually sort things out for you . Independent advice from a Councilor is what we did and would recommend it to anyone . Best of luck to you Both .

rolling boh

You have to get legal advice and unfortunately your marriage is over and beyond repair by the looks of things .Your wife may be a good mother but she can't have it both ways and maybe the guy won't be so keen if she is free and not just some fun when it suits .

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121456025#Comment_121456025

This is insane advice. The OP would want to be touched to try and navigate this without the best legal advice he can afford.

OP, stay put for now. Have you a spare room you or she can move into in the interim?

AnonHusband

Thanks for the comments and advice. Very difficult not to feel like the idiot here but I wont be wallowing in self pity.

I will not do anything until after Xmas as I don't want any drama or change in front of the kids during the Christmas holidays. Any moves need to be done when they are back in school.

I am guess the guy is married also which is why she is not moving in with him immediately. I'm sure there are plenty texts being sent right now about this.

Again, thanks for the support. Have not told anybody yet but will tell my brother tonight to have somebody to talk to.

mountai

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121457391#Comment_121457391

" Insane advice " -------- Are you a Solicitor?? . At the end of the day , it will come down to agreement for BOTH parties . Solicitors just love to get their teeth into cases that they can milk fees out of . As difficult as it may now seem , the best outcome for any family , is when both parties can come to a mutual agreement that is less painful for all involved . Remember , the most important people in such break ups are the Children . The less bitterness that is displayed , the better .

rolling boh

Doubt this difficult situation will be resolved without pain it's gone to far unless the op just accepts her idea of just carrying on and doing whatever she likes. He needs to look at his options and so will need a bit if advice on the legal side .He doesn't have to tell her yet just get a clear picture on what could be in store ahead of the decision whether the marriage is completely over as it seems .

nuckeythompson

Very sorry to hear of your trouble.

My friend went though the same as yourself. How he played it was let her affair blossom till she moved out and he changed the locks the very next day.

He got the house and joint custody, he was in touch with a solicitor all the way. Let her have it her way and you may start to see less of her around and who knows, she just might move out

Best of luck and well done on the booze too

Sunny Disposition

A difficult situation especially given that she wants nothing to change. That's really crazy, and as you say it shows she does not respect you. Unwinding the relationship is going to cause huge upheaval for her, but she made that decision when she started the affair.

I think you absolutely need to get in touch with a solicitor pronto. Staying together isn't an option.

kerryjack

As a man that packed up the drink myself giving up the Drink does affect your sex drive which is not really talked about, when your hung over your mad for it in the mornings and women do like to see us to do a bit of craving for it. I think your wife has checked out and just going through the motions like a lot of couples are doing if the truth was told. I bet the clown that came up with this wonderful idea of getting married didn't bother getting married himself, and yes it was a him. What can you do OP work on yourself and stay sober look after the kids and enjoy them, don't bad mouth her to your kids and let her off and let some other lad have the troubles with her.

thatshowthelightgetsin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058325703/wife-is-cheating-again

1. She will be a "good mum" whether you are married or not. Arguably, she will be a better mother, and you will be a better father, when you are free from each other's toxic presence.
2. Stop dreading telling the kids. This is more self-created drama where you're creating a problem by thinking about it. Tell them! Just tell them in a sensitive, respectful way with all the standard reassurance about how much you both love them. The sooner you tell them, the sooner they adjust. People who refuse to tell their children until they know the details of the final settlement are misguided, or cowardly, or both. Kids adapt. They will know there is something up and if you both pretend there's not they will start to doubt their own instincts. Stop catastrophising about what they may or may not think. Be straight with them. You might be surprised to find that among the sadness, anger and so forth, will probably be a sense of relief that the tension in the family home will, hopefully, be less and that their instincts about something being wrong were correct. Talk to them about divorce as being a time for opportunity, not loss. Change the narrative. Two homes, two gardens, two of everything, no more witnessing of fights between you both, etc. Divorce can be an easy thing to sell, if you change your own thinking about it to one of fresh starts, new opportunities, etc. Which, of course, it is if you get the right mindset - ''The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.'
3. Divorce is frequently a time when one person has decided to be brave, to face reality and to deal with it rather than continue to live a lie in a marriage. Courage should be embraced and the kids should be told that this is the most honourable, integrity-filled decision because life is too short to live a lie. There is no shame in divorce, and many of the mental health issues in marriages are due to people staying in marriages where their emotional and other needs are not being met. So much of the entire divorce process is about finding courage to be true to yourself and your life. Don't be ashamed in the slightest.
4. You need to train your mind not to think about all the stuff you cannot control. This is something we have to learn. Many people destroy their mental health by engaging in catastrophising about what may or may not happen. Worrying about things over which they have no control. It doesn't matter what she may or may not be thinking, or what she may or may not be saying, or about anything else. You cannot control all of that, so be conscience of when your thought process goes down that self-indulgent rabbit hole, and stop yourself from thinking about it all. Focus on things you can control, and accept you don't control lots. Also accept that your worst-case scenario is not, in reality, as bad as you think it might be. Loads of people destroy their mental health by engaging in irrational, worst-case scenario thinking. It is an indulgence. You cannot afford to expend your energy on such an indulgence. It is vital you discipline your mind and tendencies on this energy-draining negative thought process. And keep physically fit as, once again, you need the energy.
5. Don't bank on her moving out. It could happen, but after she speaks with the usual suspects, don't be surprised if she comes back with the "I'm the woman and I'll keep the family home" and be prepared to fight you all the way. Prepare for the worst, so have your finances in order to pay the legal fees. Above all else, you don't control what she does. You control what you do - and in that respect, do not leave the family home. Ever. That is what you are in charge of.
6. If giving up the drink affected your sex drive, then maybe she wasn't the best if you needed drink to do it. It's more likely that things like stress, obesity and such things impede your sex drive more. A subconscious awareness that she doesn't love you and that sense of unacceptance that comes from it, would be enough to emotionally detach many men from having sex. It's a very cold place indeed so don't be too hard on yourself.
7. Essentially, when all is said and done a judge's decision will come down to two things: what's in the best interests of the children, and ensuring "proper provision" for both parents in terms of accommodation. Or, how much money is in the pot and can two homes be financed out of it? Don't overthink this. Just focus on those two things. Shut down all the "noise" of false allegations and wondering about what people might say - we are a no-fault divorce system in Ireland. Pay for professional legal advice from a family law specialist and you'll quickly understand the pattern of what's happening in court cases underneath all the fearmongering. Get in touch with people in the various support groups as, again and again, you will hear the same stories about what's happening in court (c. 90% of divorces are settled beforehand/never go before a judge).

Ezeoul

OP, let me preface this by saying cheating in a relationship is never acceptable. However, you say this:

Now over the last 2 years sex life has been cold (My libido disappeared after I stopped drinking) and in the last year I noticed a step change in her moods and affection. She would say that I am the cold one and I am certainly not one to talk feelings easily. 4 months ago I noticed some very suspicious activity and finally confronted her yesterday. She admitted to having an affair again.

I want to address this advice you've been given:

If giving up the drink affected your sex drive, then maybe she wasn't the best if you needed drink to do it. It's more likely that things like stress, obesity and such things impede your sex drive more. A subconscious awareness that she doesn't love you and that sense of unacceptance that comes from it, would be enough to emotionally detach many men from having sex. It's a very cold place indeed so don't be too hard on yourself.

Please don't let anyone talk you into blaming your wife for your loss of libido. It is no one's fault. You have enough problems as it is without playing the blame game.

I suggest you check out this on the thread "Wife has no interest in sex or physicality at all" on the affects of the loss of libido on a relationship and see if any of it applies to you.

And get a solicitor. Ireland is a "no fault" state, so it doesn't matter who cheated, it won't be a factor in the separation / divorce settlement.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536576#Comment_121536576

I remember that thread and it gave some great insights into the mental and physical side of sex after having a child.

I disagree with the idea that the wife is blameless in the loss of libido here. Likely a significant contributor as the quoted post details along with other factors.

Think it is important for the OP to recognize that (and try to separate) as it’s something that could affect future relationships if he was trying to have them.

Have had some good conversations with my wife on how previous experiences can affect the psyche/expectations around sex, some even years and years on.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536757#Comment_121536757

There is a big difference between being blameless, and attributing all blame to his wife for his loss of libido, as the OP is being encouraged to do even though he himself says his lack of libido has only been in the last two years, and the last time there was a problem within the relationship was 7 years ago.

I just find it an interesting double standard that when a woman loses interest in sex, she is to blame if the relationship fails. But when a man loses interest in sex, apparently she is also somehow to blame.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter who lost their libido or why, because it will have no bearing on the separation / divorce agreement.

OP, I would enourage you not to make this any harder on yourself or your ex than it is going to be, by playing this blame game. Your decision is made, and you need to progress from here.

I fully agree that cheating is a deal breaker and that you should seek legal advice and end the marriage, but it doesn't have to turn into an all out war. Be very cautious of those who would push you in that direction, and maybe start seeing a counsellor to help you deal with this mentally and emotionally as you go through the process.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121536851#Comment_121536851

Perhaps one of us has misread or misinterpreted the post but I don’t interpret the quoted post as putting all the blame to the loss of libido on the wife at all.

If giving up the drink affected your sex drive, then maybe she wasn't the best if you needed drink to do it. It's more likely that things like stress, obesity and such things impede your sex drive more. A subconscious awareness that she doesn't love you and that sense of unacceptance that comes from it, would be enough to emotionally detach many men from having sex. It's a very cold place indeed so don't be too hard on yourself.

I’m not interested in making this a gender thing as it’s of no use. There are wide-sweeping generalizations made about both genders with regards to sex.

As I said, the OP can acknowledge the effect this may have had on his libido and that is regardless of it not impacting the legal and obviously doesn’t have to be part of an argument.

AnonHusband

Hi all,

Many thanks again for the supportive comments.

Things are smooth in the home and the kids are unaware, although I'm sure the oldest thinks we are having a subtle fight due to the silence from me to her. I have confided in my brother and best friend.

It now looks like we are agreed that we need to purchase another property during next year and that she will move there. The aim is to keep the houses as close as possible so that the kids can easily go between them and keep thing amicable.

Luckily the bank will lend us enough to buy a 3 bed semi together. They will not give us enough to buy each other out the existing house. Both of us are ok with this arrangement and will engage the solicitor when the time is right to make sure sure everything is fair.

She has booked us an appointment with family mediation to get guidance on how to navigate this. I have no issue with that and will gladly listen to advice. Maybe naively we are assuming we can simply share time with the kids 50/50. I do have a reservation that the the oldest (14) may want to spend more time with his dad and I'm not sure how we could handle that and if he can be forced to spend 50% with his mum. (I don't have an issue with this but would not like to seem him forced in either direction)

WRT to libido! Before going sober I had extremely high libido for the 20 years we were a couple. She cheated on me twice in that time. I don't blame libido in anyway for the marriage failing nor do I blame her for my drop in libido. It is not something I dwell on.

Happy Christmas to you all.

I'm really looking forward to getting through 2024 with minimal hurt on the family and finding our new routines.

X.

daveluzbo

Sorry to hear. This may sound bad, but I would recommend doing an STI and also DNA testing.

Gusser09

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121541407#Comment_121541407

Ffs. Give it a rest.

Gusser09

What age are you op?

Hoboo

A good mum? Get that one out of your head, she’s betrayed the family not just you.

daveluzbo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121541432#Comment_121541432

Give what a rest?

You obviously don't know anybody who experienced paternity fraud. It's more common than you think. It can also help you if you are going through the courts.

rolling boh

Think quite a few people who cheat are repeat offenders so don't think its completely out of the question that fraud is possible.

Airyfairy12

She is the person you married, theres no changing her and by the sounds of it she married for the sake of marriage, house and kids, not because its something she truly wanted, if she was honest with herself, she was probably doing what was expected of her, worrying about what other people think, instead of just staying single, maybe she wanted the security of marriage, either way youre collateral damage! All you can do is accept this for what it is and break away from this woman, she doesnt love you. Im sorry this is happening.