Help - severe interference from sister in law!

clarerose

Edited.

chiefwiggum

I have the same kind of thing with my brother. He is the perfect definition of a narcissist. Controlling ,interefering and has to have his say on things not remotely his business. He has to get involved in anything he can throw his tuppence at. Because i don't pander to him or put up with his crap he slowly starting cutting my wife and kids out. I couldn't be more thankful to him. 4 or 5 yrs of not putting up with his drama's has been bliss.

If he's visiting my folks I stay away. Works perfectly. I suppose bottom line is just decline all invitations in the future. You shouldn't have to put up with that and your sister in law can continue entertaining your parents..I will guarantee once you stop attending and she knows you couldn't give a damn she will get bored fairly quickly and drop them.

Big Bag of Chips

I do care about the important family days of the calendar year and specifically that I am embarrassingly and heart-wrenchingly left in the dark about

What events? Your sister in law sounds like someone you would never know or certainly wouldn't hang around with if you weren't married to her brother. So why do you feel left out of her contrived events? If you were invited, you'd have to go, bring a present probably, smile and endure a day of her making you feel inadequate.

Change your mind set! Instead of feeling negatively affected by this turn it in to a positive. There is something so lacking in her own life and personality that she feels the need to manufacture a friendship and invite neighbours to her intimate family gatherings. I'm friendly with my neighbours. I wouldn't be inviting them to Christmas Day! And the fact that she feels the need to do that says a lot about her.

I'd stop engaging with anything. Stop wondering. Your husband is doing right by not discussing with her. All he'd be doing is feeding her need for drama. Let him have whatever relationship he needs to have with her, but you don't need to have any contact with her at all. Take a big step back and avoid as much as possible.

Have you ever had counselling? Or attended Al-Anon? It might be worth looking up your local group, and having a chat with your GP too. You've lived through trauma. That has a deep emotional impact. If you can find a way to build yourself up then you will be more confident in yourself and not allow the actions of someone else to affect you so deeply. You'll realise your sister-in-law's actions are a reflection of her, not you.

Hannibal_Smith

I have kind of a similar scenario. I'm not estranged from my mother but we're far from close and would often go months without talking and the sis in law is straight in there when it happens stirring the pot and moving closer to my mam.

Theres lots I could unpack, but its your thread 😀. So I'll just say, when someone steps in like that its massively awkward and it does hurt but its a weirdness on them and not anything you've done. You’re estranged from your parents for a good reason. Your sister-in-law is being massively inappropriate. It would make no odds to keep a neighbour at arms length and be a bit tactful about things. But shes made that hurtful decision not to. I would also lay a bet that when your parents learned who she was and how she was related to you, they made a bee line for your her. They're probably on their best behaviour to make themselves look like God's gift to parenting, but you know the truth of the matter.

But you have to remember the estrangement is not something you took lightly. It was for a very good reason(s). You've made steps to rekindle relations, it was rejected. You don't owe anyone an explanation for it. What your parents and your sis in law are doing is totally weird and there's no need for it.

Let them at it. Don't let them hurt you and I know that's difficult. You're missing out on nothing. You know your parents, do you really want to share a Christmas dinner with them? Your sister in law will doubtless see the true them eventually!

Nod and smile when it's mentioned again let it wash passed you and enjoy Christmas with your family.

Bogroll2003

It is a passive aggressive attack on you and your husband by your sister in law. She is trying to one up you, as in, “look how well I have managed to get along with your parents where you failed, I am so good at my relationships with people, I get on with everyone”.

She wants you to react, so she can tell you the above, and feel good about her superiority supply.

Probable covert narcissist behaviour.

So you and your husband need to get on the same page and avoid and ignore her completely.

YellowLead

The only thing amiss here is her inviting your husband to events and not including you - that’s downright rude. Apart from that though, you have no right to decide who she does or doesn’t decide to be friends with I’m afraid.

Just stay away from her, there’s no need to be in each other’s lives related or not.

clarerose

.........

NSAman

Easy thing if you go to parents-in-law home, ignore the sister-in-law and husband. Simples.

Don't talk to her, if she approaches you stare at her blankly.

Let her be friends with your parents, who cares what they say about you? You have your own family to deal with.

Hubby should never go to any of her events wither unless you are invited. Thats just being an asshole on her part. Hubby attending gives her legitimacy.

Apart from that, what else do you need to worry about? Nothing...... coldness works immensely well as does a blank stare of "F* Off" :)

clarerose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121459380#Comment_121459380

It just isn't in my nature to be rude to someone, but I think I might have to try the blank stare. She doesn't really engage with me anyway much, other than the odd comment (which is usually to big herself up and put me down. Anything I ever mention in her presence or anythind I do is always surpassed by her. I could give ENDLESS examples! 🙄).

NSAman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121459405#Comment_121459405

No offence, but WHY would you care what she thinks?

We all have family members who think they are better than everyone else. Personally, I love to wind them up. OK I'm very immature when it comes to people thinking they are better than I am, do I really care? Nope.

I hate to say this, but you have to grow a pair.. ;) BE RUDE! Sometimes in life you have to just let rip. Being submissive just gets you no where. Mrs. Brown has that lovely put down when talking to Marias Mother Hillary.... "I went to elocution lessons" Hillary comes back... "they obviously didnt work"... "they did, I used to say F* Off, now I just say Thats Nice!".

YellowLead

So what if there is somebody you don’t like at your parents in law’s functions? We can’t like everybody.

I think you are obsessing too much here. You clearly haven’t processed your own feelings and emotions about your own parents and your sense of abandonment or whatever, and are over reacting to your sister in laws behaviour as a result. It sounds like therapy would be very useful in this case.

clarerose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121459500#Comment_121459500

I've had plenty of therapy, thanks

Big Bag of Chips

clarerose you need to decide what's more important, and what will make your life easier. You appear to be a people pleaser, and as a result you are left feeling like sht all in the name of not offending someone else.

If it's more important to you to attend your in-law events than to avoid your sister-in-law then go. But don't feel the need to engage with your s-i-l at all. Train yourself to not look for validation from her. Nothing you do or say will change her attitude to you. Nothing. You might feel that you are being singled out by her, but you're not. Not specifically. She will also treat other people like this. Her own family probably just tolerate her rather than rock the boat and have to listen to her.

I have a difficult sister. Everyone in my family talks about how difficult she is. But confronting her or saying anything is not going to change her. She was a difficult baby, child, teen and now adult! She's not going to change. She has an opinion on everyone and everything and her opinion is fact 😉. I avoid her where possible and where not possible I make non-committal noises in response to anything she says. I just don't engage on any sort of meaningful level. It keeps the peace and when I am not in her company she doesn't consume any of my time or headspace!

Live your life. Visit who you want to visit. Don't if you don't. But you have to realise your sister-in-law doesn't actually care all that much, about anyone. She's an antagonist, and if you let her antagonise you then it's mission accomplished. Train yourself to be indifferent.

the_pen_turner

has it occured to you that they might be genuine friends and not doing this to spite you

clarerose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121461044#Comment_121461044

I'm sure they are friendly with one another. The biggest thing is the lack of engagement and actual deliberate hiding it all from me. Eating turkey and brussels sprouts together doesn't bother me per se, it is the fact that it is all done so cloak and dagger, as though I don't exist.

The invite to her husband's 50th also excluded me but she invited my parents and my husband. Her child also made his confirmation before the summer...same thing. I was not invited...but hubby and my parents were. It was at the confirmation that my mother tore into me and my husband to my mother in law! Incredibly embarrassing.

Rubberchikken

I realise it's easy for me to say but my advice is retreat from her and her actions. Ignore them and get on with your life.

If you're husband is invited to something and he doesn't want to go then accept that. He seems to be willing and able to support you so that is a great help.

Some people are seriously bad for our health, mentally and physically, and avoiding them and their issues is the only way to enjoy life and leave them to theirs.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. She sounds toxic to say the least.

Enjoy Christmas with your family, your husband and people you want to include, and try to ignore her behaviour.

Big Bag of Chips

I think I'd be a bitch and just turn up with my husband "assuming" the invitation was for both. I'd smile and laugh and have a great night with everyone, make myself the most pleasant and helpful guest ever. And then I'd go home and giggle myself to sleep!

NoraC

Leave them to it. Been there, done that. Ignore all invites. It'll take a while but you'll feel great when you don't have to deal with her. I'm usually very polite but when somebody pisses me off that's it. Enjoy your life. She's clearly insecure.

RavenBea17b

I'd host Christmas, Easter or some family event invite my siblings and the SIL, then let them tell her (your SIL) that your parents are vile and they too wish to have zero with them. Have you told your siblings what your SIL is doing?

SIL is being manipulated - or that she is choosing to be an accessory to them.

I'd put her on the spot - with a question such as ' ask yourself why ALL of my siblings choose to stay away from our parents ? That the common theme is them!

Then I'd outright ask, why do you invite them, knowing that all of us (siblings) have the same issue? Are you getting a kick out of this situation, what kind of kick are you getting out of this? Id really turn the tables on her - AND in public place (that is important), put the onus on her to explain knowing the pain and phycological mistreatment they continue to do - are you doing this to hurt me ? Are you doing this for kicks? Do you have an issue with me ?

Perhaps these type of questions would make others look at her and question this behaviour!!

Before anyone says it might backfire, what is there to lose? SIL is already a mare, from her behaviour. And don't back down - make sure it is in public and put the onus on her.

Reading your OP one thing I noticed is that it sounds like your husband is very supportive. Don’t let your sister in law and parents situation obsess you to the extent that you damage your relationship with your husband.