What should I pay for?

dazzday

Hi.

I am recently separated (no mediation completed yet) with two young kids under 5. I have moved back in my folks (>1hr away) and only have the kids every 2nd weekend at the moment until i can find accommodation closer.... so essentially see them 6/28 days a month.

I'm currently providing €400 month for maintenance and an additional €400 (50%) for childcare for the youngest.

My ex is now requesting I pay 50% of the afterschool costs for the the eldest. This is to enable my ex to do after school pick ups on 2 days a week with her family collecting them the other days. I think I'm ok with paying 50% of the fixed days as i would plan when i move closer to be able to utilize the afterschool for my own pickups etc.

The issue I am seeing is this bill seems to every every month with extra hours added on where her family cannot collect - should i really be paying for these extra hours as well? Its relatively small money but im finding the principle hard to swallow.

Henry Ford III

There's no hard and fast answer to that. Maintenance issues are tricky and realistically you should pay what's fair and also what you can afford.

The bigger problem is after separation overall costs go up between the former couple (rent etc.) and compromises need to be made. Living standards will inevitably drop accordingly.

If you can't agree something between you ultimately a court will make an order.

Having said that you need to stand up for yourself and perhaps mediation is a good idea. It's better than the legal route imho.

Nickla

What principle are you finding hard to swallow - from what I understand from your post, her family are helping out when they can to look after your children after school but when they can't there is extra charges for afterschool care. Why shouldn't you be paying 50% of these costs?

thatshowthelightgetsin

Your ex is getting off very lightly if you've voluntarily left your family home and left her as king of the castle. That's a lottery win. You should be making life more difficult for her - not giving her an incentive to slow the divorce settlement down by giving her free rein to the whole family home.

Move back in, continue doing 50% of the parenting and only pay 50% of necessary, itemised bills. Stick it out, and push the legal process forward at all stages. Stay calm. At present, a judge could easily leave you on the mortgage until your youngest is 23, and given there are two under 5 you have about 20 years of enjoying being a tenant (unless you earn enough to get a mortgage for a second home). You perhaps need to think about your life in 5, 10 or 15 years before you do something as drastic as show a judge you can live somewhere else - "Right, let's maintain this new reality of your living with your parents and paying the mortgage for your ex to live as an independent adult in her own home which you pay for, and maintenance also." could very well be the judgment.

Ezeoul

The issue I am seeing is this bill seems to every every month with extra hours added on where her family cannot collect - should i really be paying for these extra hours as well? Its relatively small money but im finding the principle hard to swallow.

If not you and your ex, who do you think should be paying these extra costs for your child? Your ex's family?

It's good that your ex's family is willing to help out and reduce the costs. They could easily stop doing so, and then the full costs would fall to you and your ex to pay. Revisit when you are in a position to take on more of the day to day childcare needs.

And if I may repeat a great piece of advice I saw given on a thread on this board just yesterday -

"Beware of those with axes to grind"

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121376915#Comment_121376915

Indeed, and there's a serial re-reg poster with a massive axe to grind who simply can't help himself on these threads.

OP, if your ex has the kids the majority of the time then she's doing the majority of the heavy lifting in terms of childcare and emotional labour and quite possibly financially too as she's the one dealing with all the day to day costs that can be hard to legislate for but can add up - "Can I have money to go to the shop?", etc.

You need to sit down and work out all of the joint costs for your kids - including childcare on the days when her family can't shoulder that burden (for free) for you, then figure out how to split them as equitably as possible.

Ignore any advice about weaponising the process. Why make a difficult situation even more unpleasant for all involved?

Dumb Juan

Hi,

With the additional costs before you agree, can you email your ex and just say for the next month I agree to the following costs (€400 month for maintenance and an additional €400 (50%) for childcare for the youngest & 50% after school) but after that we need to put a plan in place

Perhaps you should think about what you want in terms of access, do you want to co-parent & consider 'bird nesting' where you move back into the family home when you mind the kids for a week or three days or whatever number of days & your ex moves out for the same period, then when it is her turn she moves back in and you move out? Just a thought.

It might be wise now to set down your own goals for life after separation and consider counselling for your own mental health.

I hope it all goes well as it can for you.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121401673#Comment_121401673

The OP's ex could have easily just asked him to pay half the after school costs without mentioning anything about her family helping out when they could.

Honestly, if her family helping out is going to give rise to problems, then she'd be better off simply stopping them from helping and using afterschool full time for the eldest, and applying for half the costs through the court.

Paying maintenance also does not absolve one parent from their responsibilities.