Bridesmaid for wedding - how much money to give?

Lollipop95

A good friend of mine is getting married and I will be maid of honour. I was wondering how much money would be appropriate to give? We are all paying for our own dresses. My sister suggested to give €200 but I've recently lost my job and not sure if I'll have gotten another one by the time the wedding comes around. Would €150 be seen as too little?

Pauliedragon

Give the 150. I'm sure ur friend given the job situation will understand. If I was getting married I'd be telling someone in your situation to give me nothing or buy a small gift. A voucher or something.

thefa

People with have varying opinions on this based on their experiences. Got married earlier this year and the most common amounts were either €125 or €150/head. While there were a few exceptional ones beyond this, there were more a bit below this mark.

A groomsman gave €500 for himself and the wife. I had covered the suit and it would have worked out less than what you’re giving factoring in the suit cost. He has young kids and was traveling up the country for it and I didn’t think twice to be honest. Having him there was the main thing rather than trying to make money.

People have plenty of other financial commitments and weddings are a costly thing to attend. Any reasonable bride and groom will be grateful of the €150, particularly if you’re between jobs.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Moved to Weddings forum.

Local charter now applies.

Hilda

Sir_Name

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121369913#Comment_121369913

This!! And the fact you are covering your own dress, which I think is a little more unusual here. A nice heartfelt card and if you feel it, tell her you'd love to have been a position in give more however circumstances have changed, Any friend would be completely understanding and grateful.

left_hander

What? You have to pay for your own dress? Its a bit like Fr. Ted with the lovely girl, he has the honour of taking her out for a dinner and she has the honour of paying for it.

Give what you can given your scenario, but I'd say €150-200 of a present including your dress is more than enough. If you don't have it, don't feel you have to give it.

If a good friend can't understand that money might be tight given you have lost your job, then she isn't a very good friend in the first place.

Dial Hard

Is your friend Irish? It's very unusual to have to pay for your own dress as a bridesmaid here.

Given that and the fact that you're not working, I'd say €75 - €100 is plenty.

Deeec

How much is the dress and shoes OP? It would be very unreasonable in my opinion for the bride to expect a present from you at all given that you are paying for your own dress. Buying your own dress is not usual at all in this situation.

When I got married I paid for my bridesmaids dress, shoes, hair, make up and paid for their bedroom for overnight stay. I also gave them their jewellery for the day as a present. They all gave presents of €200 but honestly I didnt expect anything from them as they were doing me a great honour and favour being part of the day.

Lollipop95

Thanks all. I think will just give the €150 then! Yes, she is Irish. She asked us to pay for our dresses as she’s in the middle of buying a house, driving lessons and also getting a loan out for the wedding. We got them online and they were about €65 each. An extra €50 for alterations. She’s paying for our hair and makeup.

She doesn’t mind at all what shoes we wear but I decided to get a new pair for the day and they around €30. We’re paying for our own hotel room, which I think is the standard (?) but at a discounted rate

left_hander

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121370589#Comment_121370589

I would deem that extremely generous given your scenario. She might be doing all those things but you have lost your job. Put yourself first and explain that you feel that you have less disposable income and hopes she will understand this and agrees that you have already paid for your wedding present.

People think they can never challenge a bride and groom on their "big day". Well, you can in my opinion. I can't believe she asked you to pay for your wedding dress given you have lost your job.

Lollipop95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121370670#Comment_121370670

We bought the dresses in June so I still had the job at the time 😅

irelandrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121370589#Comment_121370589

Giving that amount is excessive to me considering you lost your job and and are paying for the dress and alterations. And paying for your hotel room as well, which has always been free for bridesmaids/groomsmen as far as I've experienced.

You friend asked you to pay for the dress because she has some large expenses. You should be comfortable enough to say you cant afford a present due to the dress and hotel room and the fact that you are unemployed.

If she cant understand that after her own money issues then she isn't a very good friend.

road_high

God these threads always remind me why i hate weddings so much- so much unnecessary pressure on people and "show".

rob316

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121370875#Comment_121370875

An invitation is like an invoice, I didn't have a wedding as I'd never expect someone to pay for my day. I had a big party with a bbq and band, I remember my Aunt who I am really close to wouldn't have a copper said to me "I'm glad you didn't have a big hotel wedding as I wouldn't of been able to afford to go". Some people gave us money but most didn't and I was happy to just have a big get together.

For the most part weddings are awful, been to 1 you've been to 10. I had 6 in one year once of close friends, never again I said. Its €1000 expense for a couple on the day before you even buy a drink.

Oh and OP, give nothing. You can't afford it, you can't afford it. She has a problem with it, she values the cash more than your friendship.

Pistachio19

In your circumstances €100 is more than generous, given you have to pay for your own dress to save the couple money for the unaffordable wedding they're choosing to have.

rob316

Maid of honor paying for their own hotel room and dress? Nonsense.

stargazer 68

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121370966#Comment_121370966

I have to agree OP. You paid for your dress etc as they can't afford to. I have family member getting married next year abroad. It's costing us 1,000 for the flight and hotel for 4 days. They can sing for a gift tbh!!

left_hander

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121370741#Comment_121370741

Yes, and your circumstances have changed since so feel no pressure. I wouldn't even raise it as an issue, if you wanted give her €100 and leave it at that.

I presume she isn't expecting you to pay for your bedroom in the hotel?

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121370993#Comment_121370993

And I bet that’ll be frowned upon for life if you don’t give!!

I especially hate foreign weddings and expecting everyone else to come and “share the big added expense of your big day”! The ultimate in self-centred narcissism in my view

left_hander

Wait, just re-read the above. Most of the time, the bridal party get a few free rooms. Who is getting those?

You are being shafted here OP. Paid for the dress, for your room, I say NOT ANOTHER CENT. You have paid more than enough.

rob316

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121371058#Comment_121371058

Totally shafted. Not another cent

Some neck on this bridezilla, paying for her wedding she can't afford.

Lollipop95

I may just give €100 then, just wanted to get other opinions. My sister knows the whole story too but she was saying I’d want to give €200 considering I’m maid of honour but I did think it was excessive myself.

With regards the room, only the bridal party gets the discount. I’m sharing with another person so it’s €92 each.

She’s definitely not a bridezilla and has been very calm about the whole wedding and a good friend to me over the years, they just have a huge amount of expenses at the moment as they’re doing everything at once 😅

Kathnora

You are a good and loyal friend Lollipop95 and can see the bride's difficulties.

Looking at this objectively one can see that borrowing for a wedding while trying to buy a house is challenging to say the least. So much pressure to have a "big day". It's all over in a flash and then paying it all back for years maybe instead of investing in a new home. I feel sorry for brides and grooms making such choices but then some feel it's all worth it .... each to their own, I suppose.

left_hander

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121371221#Comment_121371221

Its always easy to tell somebody else how to spend their money! And in your situation, I think you have more than paid your way already so even €100 is very generous.

Lollipop95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121371457#Comment_121371457

Yes, I certainly couldn’t do it so I definitely admire them. At least the loan should cover the wedding. They’ve actually gotten the house now which is something. That said, they’ll also be spending a lot in travel expenses commuting a good bit to work and driving lessons. Not to mention buying a car when they’ve finished their lessons!

Radio5

E100 is more than enough, given all that you have done for her so, and will be doing in the lead up, on the day & at the day after event (I presume they are having one).

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121371221#Comment_121371221

Tell your sister to give her head a wobble - 200 quid for a single person's present is insane, let alone for someone who's unemployed and having to pay to participate in the wedding party.

Where do people get these ridiculous notions from???

Uncle Pierre

Am not a regular in this forum, and this thread just caught my eye at the top of the "recent posts" list on the home page. Anyway, here's a male point of view, which I realise is probably very different from a female view...!

If going to any wedding, your gift should at least cover what the bride & groom are paying for you to be there, and then add on a bit extra if you want it to be a "real" gift at all. So for example, a couple going as ordinary guests should at least cover the cost of the meal they'll both be getting. And if going as a bridesmaid/best man/groomsman, you should still cover the cost the meal, plus the meal for your partner if you're bringing one.

Realise OP here is already paying for her own dress and shoes, but if she was attending as an ordinary guest for a friend's wedding, she'd more than likely be buying a new dress and shoes anyway.

If going as an ordinary guest, she'd also be paying for her own hair and make-up anyway, so the "gift" should cover the cost of these as well as the meal. If somebody is asked to go as a bridesmaid, they shouldn't see it as a money-saver for themself, by having somebody else pay for things that they would have been paying for themself if they'd just been asked as an ordinary guest.

As for the rooms...I know from when we were scouting wedding venues ourselves that although a number of rooms are held in the couple's name all right, it's only the bridal suite that's actually "free". And even if the other ones were touted as being "free" as well, you can be sure that the actual cost of them is instead factored into the overall price, by way of an extra couple on each meal or some such. So the couple ends up paying for them anyway, albeit in a different form.

Anyway, that all means I reckon OP's "gift" should cover the cost of a meal, possibly two meals (if she's bringing a partner), hair, and make-up. Probably much closer to €200 overall than €100, particularly if there's a second meal involved.

And yes, as somebody said above...being asked to go to a wedding is much an invoice as it is an invitation!

Dial Hard

I'm sorry, but I can't agree with any of the above and would advise the OP to ignore it. A wedding shouldn't be a cost-neutral undertaking for a couple. You're asking people to celebrate your big day with you, not fund it.

If I invite people around to my house for dinner, I expect to incur the cost of feeding and entertaining them. I don't see why a wedding is any different. I'm not saying anyone should turn up to the reception with their arms swinging but this notion of "covering your costs" is absurd. And weirdly transactional, imo.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121372018#Comment_121372018

Ah come if she was just invited as a regular guest she could wear a dress and shoes she already has in her wardrobe. She could do her hair and make up herself - so she is out of pocket by just being a bridesmaid!! It is really unreasonable to ask someone to be a bridesmaid and expect them to pay for their own dress ( that they will probably never wear again) - Ive never heard of this before ever and think its quite cheeky but the OP seems ok with that. I have also been a bridesmaid before and have had my room paid for as a gesture of the couples appreciation. I also paid for the bridal parties rooms at my wedding - no way would I expect them to have to stay over and pay for it themselves given they had a role to play in the wedding. The notion that a bridesmaid ( whose paid for her own dress) should have to cover the cost of the their meal aswell is nonsense.

Op it wouldnt surprise me if you have to pay for your own meal at this wedding too ( on top of a present) given how tight this couple seem to be! In their circumstances they should just be having a small wedding and close by where nobody is expected to fork out for a room aswell.

rob316

The paying for your own dress thing I can't get over, incredible.

Someone invites you to a wedding don't feel obligated to cover your costs. They might aswell send you a bank account number instead of an invite instead.