Am I irrational?

OlEire1234

Hello,

I may be being irritational. I'm seeing my boyfriend for three years now and we moved in together. He works at home and I'm doing a research masters. He works in customer support and does support tickets so has a lot of free time in the day. I'm very busy most of the time and I feel jealous about his quiet days, and a lot of time off that he gets off, which I don't. Also I'm up before him in the mornings and I'm finding that difficult. Whenever he is off work he stays in bed late while I feel like I'm slaving away getting up early. I feel like we're not on the same page, or I'm just being really silly about a non event. Am I wrong and just overreacting?

suvigirl

You just sound jealous.

Not sure what you're issue is tbh, do you think ye should both sleep at the same time, work at the same time, do everything together?

Maybe you're sick of your masters?

It does sound irrational though.

Padre_Pio

It's irrational but fairly common.

My gf is jealous that I get up at 8.30am and she has to get up at 7am.

I'm jealous that sometimes she has light work days and can have a lunchtime nap followed by a walk on the beach.

So long as you're aware of this and don't let it cloud your mind and cause friction in your relationship.

I would say that your bf should be doing the lion's share of the chores if his job is that easy..

thefa

You’ve been together 3 years so it must be relatively serious. Do you have an issue with what he does for a living or maybe a lack of grind in comparison to you, if you’re thinking of him as a potential life partner?

He mustn’t be doing that much wrong if the above are your biggest complaints!

That said, myself and the missus both work 9-5’s and for multiple days of the week are both at home so it does sync us up to the point where one person working late can mean the other person stays on a bit longer too. I can see the benefit of having alignment and similar schedules but would never begrudge her sleeping in on a day off for example.

bucketybuck

What exactly is it you want him to do differently?

Get a new job that makes him get up earlier and commute just so that you are both miserable?

Put in words what you want him to do and then see how rational this is.

marilynrr

 Am I wrong and just overreacting?

How are you acting towards him as a result of this jealousy?

I feel like I'm slaving away getting up early. I feel like we're not on the same page, or I'm just being really silly about a non event.

Do you want him to further his career or education? Or is it just that you want him to be as busy as you?

How is the housework split?

You're clearly stressed and busy with your masters which is not helping things and exacerbating minor issues.

I feel like we're not on the same page

This line stood out though.

What you're describing above is a perfectly normal relationship. Both partners work different hours, different locations, etc...

The only thing I can surmise from your post is that you'd like your partner to upskill or return to education.

His current job seems to be the elephant in the box room.

Peregrinus

If you're doing a research master's you largely control your own working day, don't you? Getting up early is your choice; you could get up later and work later, or you could take breaks in the middle of the day, or whatever, so as to align your working hours and your free time more closely with his, if that's what you want.

If you do want your hours to be more closely aligned, and you could align them, and you choose not to, then, yeah, you are being irrational. It might be worth digging into why.

Doing postgraduate study by research is hard, and often lonely. It creates stresses that your boyfriend isn't experiencing. (No doubt his job creates stresses for him too, but they will be different stresses.) Are you maybe a bit dissatisfied with your choice to do the master's, or at least finding it hard to follow through? It's possible that the stress caused by the choice you have made is manifesting itself in resentment at your boyfriend's situation.

I'm not suggesting that you give up the master's — far from it. The reasons why you made the choice to do the master's in the first place may all be excellent reasons. I'm just saying that if you analyse your own feelings about your situation more deeply you should come to a better understanding of your apparently irrational resentment of your boyfriend, and the better you understand all this the better-equipped you are to come to terms with it, and to make any changes that may be needed. It could be as simple as changing the pattern of your working day, or talking to your boyfriend about changing things at home so you can both get maximal value out of the times you are both free.

YellowLead

It feels like this could be symptomatic of something deeper. Do you think he should have a better job where he works harder? It is a you issue and not a him issue so only you can determine what exactly it is that is bothering you. Jealousy, self pity? Are you both in sync with what you want to do in your future lives (where to live etc) or have you gotten that far yet?

Have you just moved in together recently and these feelings have just started?

I have a friend whose ex felt the same - she chose to work crazy hours and used to get annoyed if he stayed up late or went out the odd time. Some people aren’t great living a with other people and need their space. Maybe you guys just aren’t compatible?

standardg60

There's an old saying OP, if you want to know me, come live with me.

Perhaps you're just realising that this person may not be for you.

skallywag

I think you are being unreasonable rather than irrational.

I need to get up every morning, and the time I need to, and do my job. My partner needs to do the same, and I could not really give a hoot about what time that is, it has no bearing on what I need to do myself, or how my own day is going to pan out.