Boundaries with a friend

jface187

Hi guys.

I have friend who I meet in my late twenties. We been friends for 10 years. We meet through our hobby.

He had a hard life and would often need somewhere to stay. He regularly would stay with me. After a really bad incident he basically moved in with me for almost a year rent free.

I moved out to be with my partner who is good friends with him too. We live in a small one bedroom apprament. He stays with us often.

He was able to turn his hobby into a job but travels around the world. He has no base. So when he comes back to Ireland he stays with us. Overall its a few weeks out of the year.

He sleeps on the couch, but never given us money or anything towards the ESB. He is nice and funny but can be difficult to be around at times, which can be stressful to deal with in such a small space.

We are getting married in November and my friend message me yesterday, saying his planning to spend most of November with us.

I feel I am in my right to say no. Where going be stressed in the build up to the wedding and don't really want to come back from my honeymoon and have him snoring on the couch.

I'm just wondering what do you guy think?

He is sensitive but do think his pushing a bit especially in the lead up to our wedding, never chipping in and him being at times moody. I just think it's too much at this time.

LuckyLoki

I don't think there's any point mentioning the not chipping in at this point. That ship has sailed, and even if he was the spirit of generosity itself, I don't think you'd want him staying with you in the lead up to the wedding.

He should know this, but apparently you'll have to tell him.

I would always advise telling the truth. I would tell him that in the lead up to your wedding, you'll need the place to yourself. No negotiations, no compromise. No explanations.

I'd be surprised if it goes down well, and you may lose or strain the friendship. Do your best though, stress that you'd love him at the wedding, and maybe have him over and visit a few nights if he finds somewhere else to stay.

it does sound like you're almost family to him, and he'll probably be shocked he can't stay. Given the cost of accommodation in Ireland, he may not even come to Ireland that often if he can't stay with you. But I do agree with you that a sofa guest the month of your wedding is unfair.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest I wouldn't use the run up to the wedding as the only reason he can't stay. I'd put an end to it completely. Tell him it's no longer practical for him to stay at yours. 3 people in a one bedroom apartment? No.

It shouldn't strain the friendship. He shouldn't put you in this position. He should be aware that it's not practical or reasonable for him to expect this of you. But you can't control how he will react. He might be ok with it and realise he has being taking advantage or he might get the huff. One way or another the arrangement cannot continue indefinitely. He's had a good run of it. Time to organise alternative accommodation now.

HildaOgdenx

I agree with @Big Bag of Chips bite the bullet, tell him now it's not practical, which it isn't, and that he cannot stay in November or any other time either. If it ends the friendship, so be it. You will see that as far as he was concerned, it was just free lodgings whenever it suited him. Not actual friendship.

He is sensitive but do think his pushing a bit especially in the lead up to our wedding, never chipping in and him being at times moody. I just think it's too much at this time.

I always find it interesting when people describe or portray themselves as sensitive. He is only sensitive when it comes to himself is my guess. Someone sensitive would not think it fine to leech off others as and when it suits them, and display moody behaviour - is that when he doesn't get his own way, by any chance!

Bite the bullet, tell him now. He will probably whinge that accommodation is very hard to get. That's correct, it is. So he may have to change his plans, and so be it.

All the best for the wedding.

He's totally taking the piss.

He stays with ye a few weeks of the year? Totally inappropriate.

Even if he was chipping in for bills and whatnot I'd still put an end to it.

Out of curiosity, what does your partner think of the situation?

SharkMX

I have friends and i used to crash in their place and they in mine any time we were in each others towns, sometimes for weeks ata time. This went on for years. They decided to get married and then had this awkward conversation with me about how they wanted to have their new married life to themselves and could i stay somewhere else when around.

It was more awkward for them because they were afraid of offending me. It didnt bother me one bit and I told them I totally understood. I also said to them that day that not to let that get in the way of them staying with me whenever they wanted. I made clear to them that i completely knew where they were coming from and i respect them telling me this and that it would not effect our friendship in any way whatsoever. Then I brought them out for a few pints to say thankyou for being such great friends that we can all be honest with each other and noone ever get offended.

True friends understand each others needs.

And if someone is getting married they will have all sorts of professionals, family and friends coming over in the months coming up to and after the wedding will and need all the space they have for themselves. Everyone should respect that.

YellowLead

Absolutely tell him no. If his friendship is reliant on your providing a place for him to live…then it’s not a friendship.

jface187

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121261787#Comment_121261787

She was always more keen on it at the start. I think she felt more bad for him, but I had spent more time with him and novelty wears off fast.

But after awhile he it wears you down. The last visit was stressful and it was only a month ago. She felt same way as this time was too much.

jface187

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121261752#Comment_121261752

Thank you for your wishes.

road_high

This guy is pushing 40 and couch surfing for free in your house? He’s already way over abused your generosity. To not chip in with bills and rent is just taking the piss. He’s a user and a freeloader.

jface187

I said it to him Friday it went better then I thought. No real push back or sassy comments.

I know he took work here in November to be around for the wedding, but we said we didn't expect him to come as he travels so much.

I think bit up in the air of he comes or not.

road_high

Might get little pushback but don’t be surprised to be ghosted now you’re no longer useful. I know it sounds harsh but I think realistic. A real true friend wouldn’t use you like that- respect and generosity (two way) are key to real friendship

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121271677#Comment_121271677

He last stayed with you a month ago and then contacted you to tell you that he'd be staying most of November too! That's a bit cheeky.

Glad you said it. That should be the end of it now. There's being a good friend, and then there's letting someone take complete advantage. It's all ok if the arrangement suits everyone. But if it starts causing tensions or stress then it's not a fair arrangement.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121271677#Comment_121271677

Well you definitely know what to do so, if both you and your girlfriend feel the same way, time to have a chat with him.

He may have had his difficulties in life, but that’s not an excuse to take advantage, and you are now becoming a fully settled couple who need your own space for you to give to each other in your relationship and sharing of life. A third party could very muddy put a totally unnecessary strain on things. He seems to be able to move around Europe with some relative ease, and be resourceful in finding places of accommodation. Ireland is terrible in this regard these times, but it’s important that you are given space and not crowded out in your own home.

Murt10

To quote Benjamin Franklin — Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three day. 

Count Dracula

If he is a friend i don't get the issue. You know him 10 years, be straight with him. It is actually only one matter, in 10 years of friendship, that you are anticipating an issue. He has no right to invite himself anywhere... and i guarantee you he knows that. He just pushes boundaries everywhere, these types will adjust.

You don't need a mushroom hanging around like a peanut the month of your wedding. Be firm .... and fair. You never know when you will need your friends, you will need them at some point. No matter how much of a nuisance they can create, they are still the friends you choose, they need you the most.

RiderOnTheStorm

I dont have any advice for you J.Face , but once I was the person who was sofa-surfing in a friends house.

I was going through a difficult relationship and myself & my partner split up. I stayed at my friends house for a month or so (didnt pay rent but did chip in for bills / food / etc) while I was looking for somewhere to stay , and also waiting for partner to move out so I could move back, whichever came first. After a month+ of this, my friend asked when I would be finding somewhere more permanent, as it wasnt ideal (he was living with partner and it was the 3 of us sharing a place - it wasnt small, but sharing is never easy). Anyway, it made me realise I had become complacent and was just 'into' the new routine (even though it wasnt ideal for them or me - guys like routine, right? lol) . I didnt take offence. I started calling my partner and asking her when she was moving out (as she had always promised to do) and it put a fire under her. I was out of friends house the next week and back in 'family' home ... alone , but sorted at last.

I know its not the same situ as you are in, but there was no offence taken on my part when my friend encouraged me to move on. We are still friends to this day, and I am very grateful to them both that I had somewhere to go when things were very low.

Say it to your friend. He might surprise you. He might not. At least you will have an answer.

PS all the best for the wedding ...... congrats :-)

jface187

Thank you so much an update of sorts.

He sent word he was I'm Ireland last week. Staying at family member while they are in hospital. He will leave when they come back from hospital, they don't get on. He asked to stay in ours this Tuesday night only.

We said yeah as he was stuck but where clear on the one night. It kinda fell apart on how to get him our spare key as where both busy this week, wedding is following week. We also not feeling well well so where not pushed to make it work.

He mentioned working on hotels for our wedding. It seems a bit manic for him.at the moment.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems a bit manic for him.at the moment.

Not your responsibility. You've been more than accomodating. He knows other people. He can contact them.

HildaOgdenx

I agree with @Big Bag of Chips and I would not be offering solutions of any sort because it's not your problem.

I also would be wary of him staying one night, and then suddenly it's a month later and you're not rid of him because - 'did you know hotels are very busy and sooo expensive' kinda thing.

jface187

Thanks guys. The Tuesday night been Cancelled and now next Saturday his off Sunday and won't see him untill we get to our wedding. I let you know how it goes.