Is it possible to be friends with an ex or am I fooling myself?

RIQuery

Long story short, my ex and I broke up amicably around 4 years ago (after a 10 year relationship) but have remained very close friends since, meeting for coffee or lunch regularly and often spending time at each others homes catching up.

We are from a small village in Galway and would have known each other since we were in primary school, we are now both 35+.

When we broke up, we both agreed that we would tell each other if we began seeing anyone else, out of courtesy more than anything else.

Last month, she told me she is now seeing someone else from a town around 20 miles away and to be totally honest, I am delighted for her. He sounds like a really nice guy and I honestly want to see her happy. She has assured me that her seeing someone else won't change anything between us and if her new partner sees an issue with it, she will end it as it will be him basically telling her he can't trust her.

I can't help but think that he is obviously going to see an issue with her spending time with her ex of 10 years. I have relayed this to her too and have told her I am more than willing to meet her new partner for a chat if any issue is raised. Do you think this is the right approach?

Personally, if my new partner was spending lots of time with her ex, I think I would be a bit dubious but unless I was in that position, it is hard to know exactly how I would feel.

As we are both from a small village, our friend circle is small so trying to cut contact would be near impossible. We have been good friends since we split, have been there for each other during rough patches in each others personal lives and have undoubtedly seen the best & worst of each other. There is no romantic spark or anything like that when we spend time together.

Water John

Think you will naturally drift apart, over a little while as new partner becomes the focus of her time.

spaceHopper

Is this friendship stopping you from moving on?

RIQuery

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121162705#Comment_121162705

To be honest, I don't think so. I've went on a couple of dates in the past year but nothing more ever stemmed from those, I just didn't click with those people. I don't really have much interest in being with someone romantically at the moment but I am open minded in a sense that if I came across the "right" person, that would change.

Princess Calla

I think you can be friends once both people are 100% sure the relationship is finished.

Break ups don't have to be soap opera style drama, sometimes two lovely people just realise the spark is gone and the relationship isn't what it was.

However if one person is still harbouring feelings for the other and is hanging around hoping the other person will come back to them, then a friendship will not work.

By what you've described it sounds like you're in the former category. I do think like a previous poster has said, as their relationship develops the time you spend together will naturally decline.

The only thing that's causing me to do a double take is her telling you she'd break up with the new guy if he has an issue with the friendship....it's a tough scenario to call. I have a really good male friend (we have drifted over the years but we're still in contact...but going back to our 20's here)

We casually dated in our teens , worked out fairly quickly we were better off as friends, never slept together. We remained very close friends we'd be each other's plus ones etc. Each and every girlfriend had an issue with me....I would always tell him to pick the girlfriend over me as this could be "the one" I wasn't going to stand in the way of that. So he'd disappear for however long, relationship would break up and we'd resume our friendship. We were in our 20's both of us had busy seperate social lives away from each other anyway. The friendship did collapse in our 30's over something feckin stupid and zero contact for the best part of 10yrs, but we're back friends in regular contact, he's still single but I'm not.

So the fact that she's still picking you over a potential life partner I would wonder if she's still harbouring feelings, she may not even realise she is. Though I do fully get her take on trust, and not dropping your mates as soon as a significant other comes along.

All you can do is go with the flow. Prepare to be sidelined while she's loved up. Increase you're own social circle/hobbies or whatever to fill the gap.

RIQuery

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121162913#Comment_121162913

Thank you very much for the detailed response. I really appreciate it.

I honestly don't think that either of us are harbouring feelings for one another. There has been plenty of opportunities for intimacy over the past number of years and nothing has happened. We have attended weddings with each other as plus ones since we separated, slept in the same hotel room and nothing happened.

We spent the best part of our twenties together romantically, saw each other change an awful lot over that time and just decided we would be better off as friends.

Since then, I have lost a sibling to suicide, she has lost a parent to cancer and having her in my life/me being in her life has been very important to us both I feel.

I do feel that she would think that if she sidelined me, and the new relationship ended, she wouldn't be able to come back to me which is incorrect but I know that is how she would think. I just don't want her being afraid of new relationships because she thinks it will cause a wedge between us. As I said, I'm really happy for her. She has seemed a lot more upbeat since she started seeing this guy, and because of that, she is more fun to be around so it's a win-win for me personally.

I am fully prepared to spend less and less time with her as the relationship develops, at the same time, I don't want us cutting off contact completely, we've been through too much together for the friendship to completely die.

victor8600

It's possible. I am friends with my ex-gf, but I won't be visiting her home. I can't bring myself to like her husband, even though he is a good guy and he is friends with some of my friends.

89897

It possible for sure you do have to realise that you are both in different situations as regular friends as you were long term partners before and this is something that will inevitably cause questions in new relationships and this has to be respected in terms of new partners.

You seem to have a grasp on that but she doesnt given shes saying she'd break up with a boyfriend if he had a problem with your friendship. this et up looks like you are still together barring the sex and to be honest i cant see a new partner not raising questions over you both still being each others plus ones and sharing rooms etc. Its a totally different dynamic than if you were just mates.

I think whats important to see is that you can be mates without being each others stand in partners.

RIQuery

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121163210#Comment_121163210

Ya, I do think I will be visiting her home less and less as the relationship develops. I don't know anything about her new partner, except what she has said when we spoke. Normally I would have to meet someone to form my own opinion of them. I appreciate the response.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121163272#Comment_121163272

I completely respect that her new partner will ask questions, that is why I have offered to meet him if any difficulty does arise. I've already told her do not keep anything from him regarding our friendship, its easier say it now at the start than try bring it up in a couple of months time.

I think she said that (splitting up if he had an issue) to try and assure me that her new relationship won't change anything between us. I'm prepared to see her less and less often, I just don't want it to be a case where we cut off contact completely.

With regards to the plus ones and sharing rooms, that was done for two weddings of college friends where we really wouldn't have known anyone else if w attended on our own. We were both single at the time too. I wouldn't dream of asking her now that shes in a relationship of being a plus one or to share a hotel room.

TheadoreT

Why are you fantasising about scenarios that haven't even occurred yet? For all you know he may be fine with your friendship. You're projecting your own relationship insecurites onto this guy.

If you're met with challenges to the friendship at some point deal with it then but there's no point wasting mental energy on this currently.

I'd say you're holding each other back more than you think though, it all sounds a bit intense between you still.

JP Liz V1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121163062#Comment_121163062

Ye sound like really good tight friends but I'd worry you might rely on her too much that if a drift starts happening you will be hurt and upset

From my experience not a lot mind, you can still be friends but not bestie, total dependent if that makes sense

Perhaps if all is going OK so just far stick with it, how it is

RIQuery

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121163566#Comment_121163566

I wouldn't say I'm projecting my own insecurities. I just feel if I was in a new relationship with someone and they told me the above about their ex, I would probably ask questions. Other people that have replied have said similar but I completely agree with you, unless there is a challenge, I'm going to forget about it and continue as things are currently.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121163620#Comment_121163620

I don't think I rely on her too much imo. We both have a common circle of friends along with some friends that either of us wouldn't know very well. If I needed someone to talk to, she would probably be my first port of call but not my only port of call if you get me?

I do think we will have to rein in our friendship a little but I agree with sticking with it the way things are going at the moment. If we naturally drift apart, we do but I just wouldn't like to lose this person from my life completely.

TheadoreT

Well my comments were more based on her saying she'd end it with anyone that would come between your friendship. That's very much coming from a 'rejection breeds obsession' perspective, I can only imagine you were the dumper in this equation originally. The fact she'd still give it all up for you is an extreme stance to take. So her feelings for you aren't giving her the best chance of success in this or any future relationship, hence the over reliance.

You say there's no spark still but you can only speak for yourself and her words would suggest otherwise.

brokenbad

From past experience of being friends with an ex never works out - too much of a conflict of interest especially when new relationships develop.

Plus, there's always the risk of something "happening again" depending on the circumstances.

Learned the hard way that when a relationship ends - the only way is to cut the communication cord completely.....it's for the best.

YellowLead

I agree with others who think it’s odd that she flat out said she’s break up with somebody if they had an issue with you. Why would anyone have an issue if it’s clear you’re only friends? Another poster said you were like stand in partners without the sex and that is what it seems like to me too - that you kept the relationship but without the physical side. It will be natural for you guys to be less close when one or both of you is coupled up and that’s probably a good thing for the future of your friendship. I can understand her new bf wondering what’s going on if she’s spending more time than normal with you but the off catch up and text shouldn’t raise alarm bells at all. Once no feeling there on either side, it’s not only possible but healthy to have friends of the opposite sex - and prospective partners usually view it in a positive light too, as long as it’s not too close.

Magicmatilda

It sounds to me like she still has feelings for you. Realistically she should be putting any new partners feelings ahead of yours, but she says she would put you ahead of them. You seem to get that.

I suspect the reason that nothing has happened since you've broken up is that you haven't initiated it. Of course I could be wrong but that's my hunch here

I think you should make it clear to her that if you were in her shoes and were serious about someone else and they had an issue with your friendship (which I totally understand btw) that you would prioritise them rather than her. That might be blunt but it might be the message she needs to hear.

Another point is why was she even saying this. It hasn't become an issue yet. Maybe she was trying to gauge your reaction to see how you feel about her.

You know her best but don't assume that nothing has happened physically because she doesn't want it to. Lots of women wouldn't initiate that especially if they had not been the instigator if the end of the relationship. I'm not sure it's ever fully mutual, someone always starts the conversation.

foxsake

i think you can be friendly and nice but not friends.

Pawwed Rig

Move a long and cut them out. You can say hello if you bump into each other but otherwise I would cut all contact. It will just be a stressor for one of you and any new partners that come onto the scene