My Partner has tinder on his phone

Laverte

Hi, My partner has tinder on his phone and I'm conflicted on what I should do.

He has been chatting to women on and off for months, the conversations are short but the fact there are chats at all bothers me.

I feel heartbroken. I'd feel exactly the same if he shagged someone.

What should I do, what should I ask, is this forgivable

Simi

Leave, unless you're married or have kids then it becomes a little more complicated.

Donald Trump

I'd leave.

Or if you wanted to - before you do - download it yourself and let him know how much craic you are having on it. Match with everyone.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121151241#Comment_121151241

Bit of a leap with so little info No?

OP - how long have you been together? What is the current status of your relationship? Partner is vague. Have you been married 30 years or have you been on 3 dates.

Is he just closing out on previous connections or are they new connections. Brief chats with someone on line is hardly the same as shagging someone so you may be being slightly hysterical.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Str8outtaWuhan

Partner, so I'd leave even if kids involved.

Larbre34

Never check your partner's phone. No good ever comes of it.

Would you really have noticed any difference had you remained in blissful ignorance?

The french have the right idea when it comes to relationships. Everyone needs an outlet, a bit of a release outside of the mundanity of long term relationships. So, you can act on this and lose all the good over this small bit of bad, or you can bury it and get on with your life, though I accept you may already have done the damage.

Unless splitting up is very complicated, I'd say your relationship is over.

Laverte

We've been together a year. I saw it on his phone months back and he said it must have downloaded with an update or something, I chose to believe him. I saw it again this morning. I asked him to open his phone and show me the messages. Eventually he did but I reckon he'd deleted stuff. No kids no long term commitments made.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121151326#Comment_121151326

Sounds like he has serious commitment issues tbh. You need to judge whether this is the future you want. People like this don't change.

airy fairy

Your partner clearly has decided that he needs more than the relationship he has with you. I presume you already have figured that.

You need to decide what is best for you now. The account has been open for months and he's been chatting with that long, if not had meet ups?

He's effectively cheating on you. What you now need to decide is, is this the kind of relationship you are happy to continue with, even if he scraps it and says sorry? I can imagine you are beyond brokenhearted, so don't let your heart decide right now,take your time to choose what is right for you..

Something hidden like relationships is something I could never forgive tbh.

ebbsy

I did this before.

Leave.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121151326#Comment_121151326

Outside of this what is the relationship like? Are you generally happy? Have you both been faithful to each other?

Do he attempt to meet any of these people or as you say were they just short conversations where he did not pursue and of the girls?

Would you have the same reaction were he having short conversations with strangers on a night out but coming home to you?

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121151286#Comment_121151286

She's not the one who has done the damage here.

If you're in a committed relationship there's absolutely no reason or excuse to be on dating apps. And if there's something going on/missing in your relationship that's making you seek that validation elsewhere, then deal with it like an adult.

YellowLead

I don't think there is any way back from this. How could you ever trust him again? He hid it from you once, he could easily do it again and even if he didn’t you would always wonder.

He is probably just looking to have some fun via chatting (also bad and disrespectful), but he could be looking to meet up with somebody. Quite a few men line up the next woman before they dump the previous one.

You’re lucky that there are no ties here so you can just walk away with your head held high.

TheadoreT

Are you living together yet? If not how often do you meet? Doesn't sound like he's taking it as serious as you in any case. He was caught with it before and wasn't even bothered to delete it or worried about being caught again. I reckon he's been casually dating others the entire time and sees you as similar.

Hey OP. I saw your post and had to reply.

My ex had a dating app on his phone too and we were a year together at the time. In fact, we were heading away to mark it. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I nearly had a panic attack on the plane when I seen it. Nothing was the same between us after that. He had been secretive with his phone the whole time in our relationship. I stayed a while after I saw the app and he lied his way out of it but things never got better or were the same after that. I couldn’t trust him and he was completely disrespectful and pulled other crap.

So what I want to say is - yeah, you can talk to him. Let him explain or lie about it but the writing is on the wall. He’s looking at what’s out there, scrolling and swiping other women, keeping his options open while he should be putting effort into your relationship. The first thing my ex did when we broke up was change his status to single on FB instead of calling around and talking to me. That was his priority.

I’m not saying they are the same personality but as said, the fact he has it is enough. If it walks and looks like a duck, it is. I tried to ignore that fact and ignore what was right infront of me and it didn’t end well for me.

Theres no excuse for having dating apps on your phone when you’re in a relationship. There are no ifs or buts. Yes it’s a shock. Hurtful, heartbreaking…..Im so sorry this has happened to you and I’m sending you a big hug. You did nothing wrong.

Leave with your dignity intact x

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121151326#Comment_121151326

Its bad enough to get caught with a dating app on your phone but to also play stupid and claim not to know what updates or apps he’s downloading is also insulting your intelligence OP and making a fool of you.

Do you really believe his lie? Talk about playing you for a fool. He obviously thinks you’re nice enough and naive enough to believe him. Don’t make the mistake of buying it. He will walk all over you. What would you logically say to your friend if this was her issue?

You know the answer.

Dump him.

xyz13

Your boyfriend bored, or simply looking for attention (God knows why).

Ask him if he is happy with the relationship [the subliminar answer], get your "closure" and walk away.

Tork

You're desperate for somebody to tell you this is forgivable, aren't you? It's up to you whether you choose to stay or leave. I think you should leave asap and don't waste any more of your time on this snake. If you are desperate enough to stay, do so with your eyes open. Be aware that cheaters rarely fully confess to what they've done. Already he is being less than truthful about this. He didn't even bother to delete the Tinder app after you found it the first time. Now that you've caught him out a second time, don't fall for his bullshit again. He doesn't have Tinder on his phone to chat about the weather with people. There's every likelihood he has been sleeping with other women. Of course he'll deny it but he doesn't sound like the most honest of people, does he?

Goodigal

You're dating a year. The app should be long deleted at this point. He's chatting with other women on a dating app when he has a partner. Whether they talk about the weather or hooking up, he's completely disrespecting you. And lying to you when you asked him about it.

Walk away now before he convinces you there's a future together. There'll only be one that includes you not trusting him ever. You deserve better than that.

Tork

Don't give him another chance. The only thing that'll change is that he gets better at covering his tracks. Already you're watching his phone which is not a good sign. He might make a big play out of deleting Tinder right in front of your eyes but can you really trust him? All he has to do is set up a spare phone and you'll never know the difference.

You're not together all that long really yet he never stopped using Tinder. That speaks volumes. Most people seeking a relationship are delighted when they have reason to delete their dating apps. This fella actively embraces them.

NiceFella

What happens if he dates someone behind your back and ends up leaving you later on. Get rid

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121160527#Comment_121160527

OP,

A lot of people have given you advice here. Torks advice in particular is bang on.

I am telling you what other people are telling you - I have been exactly in your shoes. Do not fall for the manipulation. You have your proof, you have valid reasons to end this relationship.

You have nothing to feel bad about or guilty about. You are well within your rights to be angry, upset, devastated and you should end this. The best thing can often be the hardest thing.

Trust me. I stayed and it was the worst thing I ever did! I wasn’t brave enough and allowed myself to be manipulated.

Kick this weasel to the curb and make sure he knows exactly what you think of him.

This is his fault! You have done nothing wrong. But it will be your fault if you tolerate it and stay with him.

It’s BS. You know it already or you wouldn’t have posted here. Listen to your gut.

Lillysue99

He doesn't respect you or love you. He's actively looking for your replacement. When he finds it , he'll be gone. He's using you until this happens.... Don't waste anymore of your life with this individual.

yourdeadwright

Get rid of him

Its quite obvious hes with you but keeping his options open , Have some self respect & just move on ,

Don't do it to your self just get rid now & save yourself hassle & time further down the road,

JDD

I'm afraid it is time to break up.

This is cheating. He knows it, you know it.

You will be prolonging the pain if you ignore this and keep going. Maybe he is a good guy, maybe at some stage he will mature and will meet someone who he decides not to cheat on, and will settle down with her. However, it is clear he is not mature enough now, and the fact that he has cheated on you already means he does not see you as his long term partner. This is not fixable. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

You deserve someone who would never consider doing this. That guy is out there. Don't let him pass you by because you are afraid of being single.

You will feel so so much better about yourself if you end things now. It will be so much worse if he breaks up with you in a year's time because he is dating someone else.

Beta Ray Bill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121151286#Comment_121151286

I'd agree with you if it were all out in the open but it's not unfortunately.

Deliberate omission of the truth is the same as a lie. Relationships are built on trust, not lies and this to (to me) seems like a big lie.

Laverte

// Update //

I took him back. I should have listened to all the advice here. I looked on his phone last night - he forgot google saves all your passwords. Tinder, plenty of fish, fab swingers. He has been messaging so many women all the time, irregardless of the fact I'm in the other room. Needless to say ots over.

I should've trusted my gut initially and listened to the advice.

YellowLead

Better late than never.

Now stick to it and don’t take him back. And don’t let anyone else do this in future.

You’ll be a bit stronger now after this

amdublin

I'm sorry :( I know you can't see it and definitely don't feel it but you are better off without him. And better you know and it is over. His loss. Go and try enjoy christmas without someone who does not appreciate you

warned

Ziontit was warned for this.

This content has been removed.

kowloonkev

OP did you meet him from one of these apps? Is there any evidence that he ever met any of these women? It could be just an addiction to these sites and the dopamine hit of attention.

Of course, it's not good if he's visible to people in the area on such sites and I don't blame you for ending it. But he may not be the monster being made out.

I agree you should have ended it the first time, because if you're going through browser history, whether you find something or not, there are clearly issues there. Please don't bring it into your next relationship because you could easily lose a good guy because of it.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121520959#Comment_121520959

I don't think anybody has made him out to be a monster. But our OP thought she was in a relationship with him, while he continued to use multiple apps behind her back. She may never know if he actually slept with anybody else but that's beside the point. Obviously, it wouldn't bother you if your partner was constantly on the apps. Perhaps you trawl them yourself on a regular basis. That's fine, each to their own and all that. But it's also OK to not want your other half to be at this.

My main worry for our OP isn't that she'd let her mistrust of a future partner get in the way of a relationship. It's that she might meet another version of her ex, albeit one who's less sloppy when it come to covering his tracks. Hopefully she has done plenty of reflection on why she pressed the snooze button on her common sense and persisted with this relationship. She should've walked far far earlier than she did, yet she didn't. Why? That's for her to figure out.