Toxic sister

pearlll

I would love to know what others do in relation to siblings who make you feel like crap. Everything with my sister is a competition, I dread being around her. It's like she wants me to do well, just not as well as her. I feel 2 feet tall leaving her place. And it's even passing onto her children where they seem to look down on me too. And she has zero interest in the things I've done, talks over me, snide remarks. Any tips would be helpful. I don't really want to confront her as that would just go south very quickly. I would prefer deal with it myself but not sure how. Thanks in advance.

Tombo2001

Avoidance would be an option.

One point you make - 'I prefer to deal with it myself' - why? Why wouldnt you reach out to other to help you work your way through this. I dont mean confronting her; I mean reaching to people who can help you deal with it.

Big Bag of Chips

Can you avoid being in her company too often? When in her company can you avoid conversations about what you're doing or planning.

I have a sister who is very difficult. I avoid her company as much as possible, and when I'm in her company I say very little. She's the type of person who is never wrong. Her opinion on everything from the price of butter to the Luas is absolute (we don't live anywhere near Dublin!) She loves to talk about herself and how right she is! She's difficult with everyone. So we all know to just make non-commital agreeable noises when she's around and just tolerate the time with her for the sake of peace.

JDD

Unfortunately family does not always mean that they have your best interests at heart, or that they will provide you with the support that you might expect.

There's two reasons your sister might be this way. Firstly, she may simply lack the ability to hold a proper conversation. Many people struggle with understanding the social cues during a conversation - leading to interrupting or talking over the other person. I am sure you are not the only person she does this with. It also sounds like, deep down, she has a lack of confidence in herself. Sibling rivalry can effect everyone to varying degrees. If she feels the need to compete with you, and to deride you, she is obviously afraid that if she doesn't you will be more successful than her. It's probably something she doesn't even understand herself, but perhaps in some ways when you were growing up she saw that you had skills that she couldn't replicate. Perhaps you were more adept socially, or more outgoing?

Whatever about the above, it's not your job to fix her. You job is to preserve your own sanity, and your own confidence, and your own peace within your family. I would steer clear of personal topics, and perhaps reduce one-to-one contact. People like your sister are easier to deal with in a group. And maybe let go of the idea that a sibling needs to be a friend. Lean on your chosen friends instead.

pearlll

Thank you tombo yes I have been reducing my time with her and that has definitely helped. Or I try not to be alone with her. Yes I reach out to some family members too but sometimes I don't want to be bothering them over the same issue. They have found the same aswell.

pearlll

That is a good point BBOC re not talking about my plans. I definitely fall into that trap at times and leave myself open. I wont divulge too much the next time. Thank you.

pearlll

Thank you JDD yes the 2 reasons you gave make sense. She wouldn't be the best socially at times, poor eye contact and can be brutally honest and direct, lacks tact, etc.

I can't fully figure her and the sibling rivalry out but there is definitely something going on.

Thank you for replying

TheadoreT

She might be on the autistic spectrum, it can be harder to tell in highly functional women in general, but those traits would be common. So she might be missing social cues that you're a bit uncomfortable with some things she says/does.

But yeah, non dramatic avoidance and acceptance that she is how she is would probably be your best move.

pearlll

I didn't think of that, could be possible. Thank you Theadore.

thefa

I know it’s easier said than done (particularly in the case of a family member) but it’s very beneficial to have your own self confidence rather than relying on the traits and moods of others for confidence. I’m sure there’s plenty you have to be proud in your life and there’s no need to compare to anyone.

As others have said, reduce contact with her. I have found from personal experience recently with a family member that the more availability you give someone who has the wrong attitude, the more they take the time and you for granted.

Maybe your sister will take the hint or maybe she’ll be oblivious but it’s up to you to strike the balance between obligation and happiness for now.

...Ghost...

If anyone makes you feel the way you describe it, cut them out of your life. Better off without toxic and selfish people in your circle. I put up with my sisters selfish behaviour for years and my parents pandering to her constantly. I cut the cord and I'm so glad to be rid of them. None of them were good for me. My children are a distant second to hers among other things, so I stopped having anything to do with them.

yourdeadwright

First thing you have to do is call her out on it ,

Next time see speaks to you in a way that you feel is disrespectful pull her up on it, You don't have to cause a massive fight about it, just be clear & firm in your tone to her, Say don't speak to me like that ,

Some people love to feel superior & if your allowing it she will continue to do it, Let her know its not ok with you & you won't accept being spoken to in that way, Your life is every bit as important & meaningful as her one is,

Life is to short don't let anyone speak to you in a way where you feel is disrespectful , You'll always feel much better after standing your ground on things like that ,

joeyboy11

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121182976#Comment_121182976

I like this. I think you need to be ruthless and cut out anyone (doesn't matter if they are family) that makes you feel like you described.