Family not really accepting new partner

Lgt

They are being civil to her but that is all. She is not the other woman for whom I left my wife so they should not act that way with her and should make her feel more welcome.My new partner is outgoing, like to be the centre of attention all the opposite of ex wife who is quiet. My siblings are still in contact with my ex wife, they still invited her to family events despite it should be my partner that should be invited and will spend hours with her but we are lucky when we invited them around if they stayed more than 30 min. My younger kids are ok with my new partner and her kids (btw we are not living together for the foreseeable future) my oldest is taking her distance certainly due ex wife influence, the ex wife is not even her birth mother (her mother died during childbirth), my oldest will talk to me but when my partner visit me and we invited her and her siblings around, she will only make an appearance. How can I make my family prioritise my partner and not ex wife as it is starting to cause friction in my relation? For reference, ex wife refuse to meet up with partner. Thanks

Princess Calla

You can't force people to accept or like someone.

Your children will always side with their mother over a new partner, even if she's not the biological mother of one....she still raised that child as her own.

Your siblings have a connection with your ex wife that has been built up over many years.

You can't demand people to cut ties with others.

It's going to take time, they may never accept your new partner and you'll need to find a way to reconcile with that.

Alexander Shulgin

Do what brings joy to your life , why care what your siblings think , F☆☆k them ! We all only get one life , make the most of it ! Yes , it's hard on your original partner but why carry on in a relationship that both of you knew was gradually turning sceptic , who has the right to judge anyway ! All the best !

Lgt

i just think they should be more welcoming to my new partner, ex wife was invited to a milestone birthday but not my partner as ex wife refuses to meet her despite she is not the woman I left her for. Ex wife doesn’t want to meet new partner because of something I said at the time of our separation, I should not have say it to her it was very inconsiderate even it was true.

screamer

I don’t know your family or the situation but I can say from my own experience my siblings marriage broke down and it was a **** show of a break up, and being very honest I just can’t be arsed getting to know their new partner. You just get fed up of the conveyor belt, and if they can walk away from their marriage I don’t actually think they’ll spend long enough with the new partner to bother getting to know them. Civil I will be yes and small chat with them but not interested in deep and meaningfuls.

Alexander Shulgin

Give them some time to digest , especially if it's obviously being a lengthy relationship, your new partner is probably being viewed as the "breaker" , you got gotta stand by her in terms of calling out the usual vitriol that she'll experience, your siblings all want the status quo without realising that you need to be happy too !

Lgt

My partner is not viewed as the breaker, she is not the one I left my wife for and they all know that. Yes relationship with wife lasted 25 years,

Tork

Your family is in a tricky position because your ex wife is (1) Someone they've all known for years and possibly like very much (2) She's the mother of their grandchildren/cousins/nieces & nephews. They don't want to upset the apple cart.

Maybe in time they might warm to your partner but there's no guarantee. She is walking into baggage central and your family is under no obligation to play happy families with her.

marilynrr

How can I make my family prioritise my partner and not ex wife as it is starting to cause friction in my relation?

You can't. They obviously still consider your ex wife to be family and want to maintain that relationship.

Sounds like you behaved very poorly by leaving your wife for another woman and by the sounds of it also saying something cruel or nasty which is why she doesn't want to meet your new partner. Actions have consequences.

If it's causing friction in your relationship then that's more of a relationship issue than anything else, I assume she's jealous of your ex wifes position in the family because I can't think what other friction it could be causing. While I can understand feeling a bit hurt or upset at not being completely welcomed into the family she should also accept that they have a close relationship with your ex wife who is after all the mother of their grandkids/nieces and nephews.

How long have you been with your new partner? Is she aware of what it was that said to your ex that made her not want to meet her?

screamer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121124269#Comment_121124269

remember, your family has to accept your choices, they don’t have to like them. Life is not about having your cake and eating it, and I think you’ll just have to accept their choice in this case. It may not be what you like, but it is what it is.

Mellor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121124241#Comment_121124241

So you said something during the break up with your wife that make her not want to be around you when your with your new girlfriend? But now you want everyone to accommodate your new girlfriend and ostracise your wife? No offense, but I think you are being a bit ridiculous. They are civil to her, they have no obligation to do any more.

For the record, a new person coming into a family, especially during a separation, and wanting to "be the centre of attention" is not a good way to win people over.

marilynrr

If your family included your new partner and excluded your ex, that is likely to upset your children too, especially the two eldest ones....so your partner could be pacified by being 'welcomed' by your siblings etc but then be even less welcomed by your eldest children.

Do the kids get invited to these family events? Would they go if your ex wasn't invited and your current partner went? This is just another thing that could have undesirable consequences.

Hannibal_Smith

How long have yourself and your partner been together? They've a 25+ years relationship with your ex wife, of course she's not going to be left out. All that loyalty and relationship doesn't automatically transfer over from your ex wife to your new partner.

You keep saying your new partner isn't the person you left your wife for. Why do you think that should be a factor? If you've had a number of relationships they're not going to bother building a rapport with someone that will likely be gone in a while.

You can't dictate who or how people get along. You just have to be patient and relationships and bonds will form over time.

TheadoreT

From your previous threads you treated your ex wife dreadfully in the break up and were a bit controlling afterwards when she moved on. To put it bluntly your family probably just like your ex more than they do you. She sounds a far more reasonable human and is the mother of their grandchildren/nephews/neices ect.

Continued selfish actions have consequences. If everyone is acting this way towards you now it's probably time to look inwards and ask "are you the problem here"

You seem to think her not being the one you left your wife for or homewrecker makes it better. It doesn't, it just makes you seem like you destroyed your family for something shallow and unmeaningful as your wife was now older and boring as you put it so unsesnsitvely. I doubt they dislike your new woman, they probably just want some semblance of stability in your kids lives that you don't seem to be prioritising much by your actions.

Peregrinus

What others have said — you can't force your family to like someone.

And you seem to be setting this up as a contest between your ex-wife and your current partner — you want them to "prioritise my partner and not ex wife". This is a bad idea; it's a competition your current partner is unlikely to win. Bear in mind that, from your family's point of view, your ex-wife is the mother of their nephews/nieces/grandchildren. Not only do they have a long-standing relationship with her; they also have a vested interest in maintaining a good relationship with her into the future. So, if you ask them to choose between your ex-wife and your current partner, they are not likely to choose your current partner.

Two things need to be looked at:

First, if you can, you should try to mend fences with your ex-wife over whatever it was you said to her that you should not have. If you can move on from that point, her resistance to meeting your current partner may soften.

Secondly, your current partner needs to understand that if she commits to a relationship with you, your extended family includes, and will continue to include, not only your children but also their mother. In that context she will never be the "centre of attention". If she can't handle that, she needs to ask herself whether a divorcé with children is the right partner for her.

Big Bag of Chips

I know of many families where a marriage has ended and the family remain in close contact with the ex. Your ex is their friend. They have had a relationship with her for almost 30 years. You can't dictate to your family who they are allowed be friends with.

And maybe they simply don't like your current partner. Not many people take kindly to someone coming in to their space and demanding to be the centre of attention. If your family being civil to your gf but not cutting off your ex altogether is causing a problem in your current relationship maybe it's not your family or your ex who are the problem.

Edit: you also need to consider that your family prefer your ex to you. My friend has an uncle who is divorced. Apparently he was a bit of a prck to his ex wife. Now his ex wife is the one invited to all family occasions, birthdays, weddings etc and the uncle isn't. His own family don't like him and when forced to choose, chose his ex.

YellowLead

You introduced a previous girlfriend to your kids after 3 months - I don’t know if this is the same women or a new one, but that was pretty fast. You can’t just click your fingers and fully replace one woman with another and expect everybody else - kids, extends family, to do the same.

Your new girlfriend must be pretty immature if she can’t see or understand the dynamics at play here. Your ex was a part of your extended families lives for 25 years, they clearly liked her and why should that be cut off just because you don’t want to be married to her anymore. Kids often have trouble accepting new partners when not given the proper time to acclimatise.

Also, people may never like your new girlfriend - people who want to be the centre of attention are generally disliked by most.

Furze99

I think your family are admirable - they have built relationships with your ex wife over many years. And to their credit, they are not going to ditch her just because your new partner or you are upset about it.

Panthro

With respect OP you're the one with a problem here. You were with your wife for 25 years. Which means she was part of your siblings and extended family and probably your friends lives too in that time.

Now for whatever reason the relationship is ended you expect them all to end their relationships with her just because you did? That's simply not fair. Why should they? Because of some loyalty to you? No. You don't get to decide who people stay in touch with, simple as. So get that notion out of your head.

With regards to your kids and the new lady, will you ever take heed and respect your kids boundaries. They might not want this new woman in their lives good bad or indifferent. Just because she's in yours doesn't automatically mean she's in theirs too. If they're showing zero interest in wanting her around or getting to know her, that should be enough for you to go by, and leave well enough alone. Take this with an absolute certainty- the more you force them to accept her the more they'll push back and resent you for doing so.

marilynrr

First, if you can, you should try to mend fences with your ex-wife over whatever it was you said to her that you should not have. If you can move on from that point, her resistance to meeting your current partner may soften.

If you're going to try this OP then time and patience will still be needed. From your post and previous posts I get the impression that any apology would be always a reluctant one followed by expecting the other person to move on quickly "I already said sorry, what more do you want?". If an apology doesn't reflect true changed attitudes and behaviour then it's not a real apology and is extremely unlikely to make a difference.

Your first post on here was 18 months ago about wanting to leave her, there was no mention of another woman then, but yet in 18 months you left her for another woman and are now onto your next relationship after that. You can't have been with this new woman long enough for her to be your 'partner' and as previous posters have said for all your family know this won't last either.

Sounds like your kids have had a lot to deal with, you have introduced 2 new girlfriends to them very quickly, even though your eldest didn't like the first one which is no surprise considering it was so soon after, but on this thread you said your eldest is distant and you blame your ex wife for that. You seem to have a complete lack of self awareness and don't understand that there are consequences for actions and for how things are handled.

You should be happy and grateful that your youngest 2 get on ok with the new girlfriend. You should be happy and grateful that your family are civil to your new girlfriend. It's a start and a good start, there's no need to try to railroad her into the family and expect everyone else to go along with it. Your reason for it is that it is causing friction in your relationship, but that's a very selfish reason, and as I said previously that's a relationship issue, and because you want the easy life you are risking hurting your kids more.

Also as others have also said, maybe they don't like the new girlfriend, people who want to be the centre of attention can be great, or they can be headwrecks. Agree with a previous poster also that the new girlfriend sounds immature if she can't understand this but then you do too. Very few people like the couples who are inconsiderate and insensitive to the hurt people around them.

Deeec

My sister in law recently announced she has a new partner. This lady was married, then divorced, had another partner for a few years ( that too ended), she then found a new partner and had a child ( that ended a few months ago). She has now moved another new man into her house. As her family we cant be bothered getting to know this new guy - we're not even bothered about meeting him. Didnt even ask what his name is being honest. We know she will move on from him also so what is the point - we have made a huge effort before with her partners. Shes shallow and will move on within a year or two.

From your previous posts you left your wife because she didnt look good anymore and was boring. What happens when your new partner loses her looks or gets a little stressed or overworked - you probably will just move on again. So really there is no point in your family getting to know her

From your families point of view they like your wife and your wife sounds like a good person being honest. They want to include her and your children in family events which is totally understandable. She still has young children and no doubt she needs your families support.

You have to accept that your new 'trophy' girlfriend may never be accepted - both you and your new partner have to accept this. You cant have it every way OP - there are always consequences both good and bad.

What did you expect OP- that your wife and new woman would be friends? That your family would welcome this lady and exclude your wife and children. In real life this rarely happens.

iniscealtra

My SIL divorced and had many partners since. Know ex-husband well and respect him. Also he is my OH’s nephews father and lives and works in the local community. Was never that bothered about getting to get to know other partners well as they change constantly. It’s a big investment of ones time and energy to get to know someone well. It helps if you like them but it’s difficult to be bothered put the effort in when they could be gone soon enough. The children’s parent will be a constant so will be more important to your family as a result.

wandererz

Simple answer: make your new partner a celebrity.

Everyone likes celebrities.

Simples... answer provided. Job done.

Now move on with living life and/or caring for your new partner rather than giving a feck about what other people think.

thatshowthelightgetsin

You shouldn't really care about your family or friends being cold to your partner. That is a reflection of both them and their lack of respect for you and your choices. You should choose not to spend time with them.

Have the strength of character to stand by your partner because this country is littered with broken relationships because one of the couple prioritised the views of their family/friends, and spending time with them over spending time with their partner.

Tork

Something else I noticed was how cold and controlling you seem to be. Perhaps it's because English doesn't appear to be your first language. In your thread about leaving your wife you'd already decided what the custody arrangements would be before the marriage even ended. You seem to be treating this new situation in the same way a mechanic would if he was swapping out a worn engine part for a new component. You've dispensed with your wife and you seem to think that you can simply slot the new woman into her place and that everything will continue. You don't have any great understanding of how humans work, do you? You can't understand why your eldest child might still feel attached to your ex even though she's not her biological parent. Now, you think that your family should bin your ex (just like you did) and treat your partner equally. Who exactly is behind this eagerness for your family to treat your partner as the best thing since sliced bread? It seems weird that it'd be her, unless she too doesn't have any idea of how complicated these things can be. Being in a relationship with somebody who's separated/divorced is a tricky business and usually the new partner is cautious where they tread. Your partner doing the very opposite and maybe that's getting everybody's back up.

pgj2015

Maybe they prefer quiet people to people who want to be "the centre of attention" I do. I run a mile from people who want to be the centre of attention.