Me

fallenguy2002

Been married 15 yrs to non Irish, been up down but I was happy, have a young son 13. Felt she bit cold for few months asked what issue was gave me list we don't do anything together, I stay up late ,tidy house. I'm little heavy. I love her worked on them all ,lost weight went bed every nite spiced it up in bed. Tidyed up house ,cooked more . Asked her could I do her fitness classes with her, said no. Went lots shows out more, spent lots money. Still cold. As it turned out she was meeting one person from classes , I found out when she lied where she was. I confronted her and she said no connection me and marriage over. She left home and went meet him again. I told his wife and she kicked off as he had lied her too. He went on his knees and wife took him back. She's furious with me all my fault, says she's 20 year old I'm 50. Anyway I'm in bits and appears still txting. Feel worthless myself and minding my son all ti.e as she's living it up

xyz13

Post deleted @xyz13 please offer advice to the OP when posting.

HS

spaceHopper

Good on you for confronting her and for telling his wife. It's not your fault, it's her's for cheating and for cheating with guy with no balls. The first time it got difficult he ran home to is wife. You now have to decide what to do, if she wants to come back would you take her back. What does she need to do to heal things. Or do you want to separate and how does that look. First thing I'd do is to tell her to stop the act and to stop blaming you, this is on her and only on her. You showed her your commitment to the relationship by all that you did and she still wanted more. To bad it hasn't worked out for her.

Rubberchikken

I think you need to start realising that your marriage is over.

Do you really want her back?

Imo she has treated you very badly. It's time to think about you and your son's future. If she's willing to sit down with you and put her sons feelings and future first then you both need to organise his days with you both.

Then maybe you need to speak to a solicitor. Good luck

Panthro

OP I know right now you're in bits and so you should be. But I'm going to approach this from a different angle. By the sounds of it you're a fully domesticated gym going responsible single dad. In the eyes of many you're a frickin catch like!

Her little dance with the other bloke means she's now missing out on all you have to offer. And that's her fcuk up. It sounds like the marriage is over. You've put in what you could and you got being cheated on thrown right back in your face. So "apparently" its all your fault because you told his wife about their affair. (Jaysus like!) That Says it all really.

Best of luck with it.

fallenguy2002

She said she never slept with him, sadly seems be mid life crisis , she feels like she's 20 again and destroying everything, said I'm great dad husband but didn't want me any more, I'm floored, she went out last nite did t come home, I had arrange child minding today as I was working early

marilynrr

Very tough situation, she's behaving very badly and unfortunately she's unlikely to 'come to her senses' and go back to behaving reasonably or kindly in the foreseeable future. Most likely she will want to continue going out and doing what she likes, which is going to be very tough for you. You might need to start planning for an imminent separation if the living situation becomes unbearable. Do either of you have anywhere to go?

Do you have family support? friends to talk to who know what's going on?

Sleepy

If she's behaving like a teenager, treat her like one: make sure to limit the damage she can do to your family finances, close any joint accounts / credit cards etc.

fallenguy2002

House in my name, I'll attempt remortgage and will she accept a lump sum to leave, she never invested in house or spends any money on it however, she is my wife

fallenguy2002

Thank you for great comments, I'm so sad , hard to even work every day, ignoring me and my son. Can see him chasing her for attention but not getting it. She has her own job but I've stopped funding her with my own money which is annoying her, what can you do

fallenguy2002

Worst part I love her bits, strange how u think u know someone but you actually don't, I begged her said I'd do anything, moment weakness

marilynrr

House in my name, I'll attempt remortgage and will she accept a lump sum to leave, she never invested in house or spends any money on it however, she is my wife

Make sure you get legal advice before doing anything like this.

I'm so sad , hard to even work every day, ignoring me and my son. Can see him chasing her for attention but not getting it.

That's very tough, do you have any social outlet or is it just work and then back home? Has your son been asking any questions or are you trying to pretend all is normal?

Worst part I love her bits, strange how u think u know someone but you actually don't, I begged her said I'd do anything, moment weakness

It happens, especially when the other person is being so brazen and defiant. If she was sorry you might feel like you have some control or power over what happens next but when they act like your wife is acting then that makes it harder.

fallenguy2002

Got worse today , her bit on sides daughter self harmed over it all, turns out they still meeting txting, again the blame on me. I'll try to be calm , but it's a shi@show.

thefa

It may get worse before it gets better unfortunately. She’s having to come to terms with the consequences and not liking them.

To be honest, I get the impression you have been a bit of a pushover in the relationship. If you had cheated on her, do you think you would get away with acting like she is? This person has treated you very badly, continues to act out and has the nerve to blame you for it.

If his child is self harming because of her father’s adultery, the cause is the adultery and how the parents have handled it. Take no heed of the manipulative bullish!t from the cheaters.

fallenguy2002

Thanks I have huge empathy for child, very upsetting,for my own child to, wish they both thought damage they were doing, I'd see it petering out as will be too much drama, sadly my lady seems be obsessed, in blaming stage where it's all my fault somehow. I wake up every day wishing nightmare end. I'm not reacting anymore and will not get into discussions either, poor children after all this

spaceHopper

You don't destroy your marriage for a guy you fancy but haven't slept with. There is a lot more going on than you know. She's blaming you but the reality of it is she's been caught out, he's not standing by her and she's lashing out. She's made a total mess of things. You can't win there will be no winners in this only losers, it's all about damage limitation now. You need to take care of yourself and your son. What does he know about this and what to do you want to tell them. Make sure he's OK especially after what has happened to the affair partners daughter. You need to get legal advice and find a good solicitor to protect yourself. Has she left the family home. Will she come back, are you allowed to stop her coming back. These are all questions you need to get answers to from a solicitor.

fallenguy2002

She's still in house with me, she has no where to go. And was never good with her money splashing on clothes and face treatments,Again today said she won't be home till late, yes I'll organise a solicitor, I will try and not engage at all however she tries incite me to engage. The is really good advice, absolute nightmare

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121134470#Comment_121134470

I feel so sorry for your situation. You sound like a great person and a great father.

As others have said, the best thing is to be rational. Consult a divorce solicitor and explain your case. Figure out what state your assets are in. Who owns what, what could be the potential outcomes of potential legal activity? Get your facts straight, get some perspective on your situation, and you'll make better decisions.

spaceHopper

You need to be very careful, she might try to start argument to get you to leave the house or to force you to leave the house by getting a safety/barring order. 

Keep a diary and have voice recorder as a short cut on your phone or easily opened on the desktop. Make it so you don't have to look for it. 

One thing you have going is that you son in 13 so the voice of the child has to be listened to. Who is your son's primary carer.

As bad as things are for you, they are worse for her, she's done all this and has nothing to show for it. 

xyz13

Make sure your son stays in school.

fallenguy2002

She has been told now to keep away from guy he has come back with his wife and his wife rang me and told me tell her stop. I did t get involved I don't want be part of this drama We are in one house but not much Interaction, I'm primary carer and she works much more than me. She looks very depressed but if child acts up she straight away says it's my fault for spoiling him . To be honest I'd still love sort it out but seems more unlikely every day, has a blaming attitude where everything is my fault

fallenguy2002

Your right she has nothing to show for it, I'm keeping house going cleaning cooking etc minding child. And working, what do you think she will do next, there was party down with friends and she asked me go I declined

fallenguy2002

House is in my name, I pay most bills

Hannibal_Smith

She has been told now to keep away from guy he has come back with his wife and his wife rang me and told me tell her stop. 

To be honest I'd still love sort it out but seems more unlikely every day, has a blaming attitude where everything is my fault

I'm sorry to say this OP you're in denial. If she's still contacting the other guy to the extent that his wife has contacted you to get her to stop that should be obvious to you that she does not want to sort the relationship out between you. She's openly chasing after another guy, and you're sitting there wondering how you can make your marriage work?

She's blaming you because she's taking things out on you. The excitement of the affair is over and all she's left with is the life she trying to distract herself from.

There is no working things out or salvaging anything, you need to call it a day. Make an appointment to see a solicitor, discuss what your options are and go from there.

OP, you sound like you have been a great partner and father. By your account you have done nothing wrong. Keep strong.

spaceHopper

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121162294#Comment_121162294

The house is the family home and has a different legal status, you need to see a solicitor soon as possible

FishOnABike

Some people may be able to get back together after such a significant breach of trust but it isn't easy. Trust, once broken, is very difficult if not impossible to rebuild.

If you did get back together again would you ever really feel at ease in the relationship or would you always have a niggling doubt about fully trusting your wife again.

I'd suggest get some counselling if you can, to help you work through things and figure out what you want and can realistically accept at the end of this.

Think of your interests and your son's interests. Your wife has shown she puts her own short term interests over those of your son, you and the family. If your wife wants to be free and single, let her go.

Get legal advice about the family home, your wife will have rights as the family home even though it is in your name.

Consider how you can remain primary carer of your son and a practical solution for you and your son's future, including suitable accommodation preferably in the family home by resolving any rights your wife has in it or somewhere else if a solution involving the family home can't be found.

If you find things getting to you don't be afraid to look for help, through your GP, community healthcare or online resources like

https://stresscontrol.ie/