Do you need to fancy someone to have a long-term relationship ?

MéFéinAmháin

Hi,

I'm the wrong side of 35 and still single. I have always assumed that a fundamental requirement to have a long-term relationship with someone is to find them visually attractive and I'm wondering if most people feel this way or if I am just particularly shallow. I'm also interested to know if the answer here differs depending on gender. Looking around at attached colleagues etc. I do frequently see couples where one partner is significantly more attractive. There are two obvious possible explanations for this

(i) Looks just aren't that important to some people and they can settle down with someone who they don't fancy physically

(ii) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and they do all find their partners hot despite one or other appearing to be more attractive to me

So, what do you reckon, is physical attraction crucial for a long-term partner or can you 'learn to love someone' over time due to other qualities ?

So, for science, can you all please reply with your gender and whether or not you could settle down long-term with someone who you didn't fancy the first time you saw them? For obvious reasons I can't simply ask my colleagues 'Your other half is significantly uglier than your are, what's that about ?'

Female here. I think many people don’t initially necessarily find their partner initially attractive, and attraction can grow on you depending on personality, circumstances etc. Attraction certainly does not depend on looks, the least classically attractive people can find long term partners, sometimes as you say with somebody who at a glance might be regarded as as very attractive. We are mysterious creatures and our brains can tell us somebody without much in the way of looks is fantastically attractive because other positive aspects slot into place.

Dial Hard

Someone being objectively attractive and you fancying them are two entirely different things. My 2c is that absolutely yes, clearly you need to fancy someone for a relationship to work and I can't understand why anyone would be with someone they don't fancy. Does that mean, however, that that person needs to be conventionally attractive to anyone outside the relationship? Absolutely not.

BrianD3

Most women don't fancy their husbands.

Regards,

Chore Sex Guy

I'm female and in my 60s, you have to fancy someone to have a long-term relationship but fancying someone has very little to do with looks.

One of the most interesting things about meeting someone is the fact that they could be perfect on paper but there is just no spark.

_Kaiser_

Yes you do.. What's the point otherwise.

However attraction is individual and subjective and past the initial phase, very little to do with looks, although it should still be an element of the attraction too.

Personally the "instahun" with picture filters, lip filler pout, and look at me social media obsessed type that seems to dominate these days would do nothing for me. I will always prefer real and genuine every time - both in looks and attitude.

For me a massive part of the attraction is a sense of humor, upfront and with a cheeky flirty side but who you can also just spend an hour or two just talking to about everything and anything.

Oh - as it's AH - and curves 😂 Can't go wrong with curves!

El_Duderino 09

From my (male) perspective, I think looks are the first thing you see so initially it's 100% of the information you have about the person. So it's very important as a first impression. But as you get more information, the looks become less Important.

Over time in a relationship, you know so much about each other and go through experiences together that physical attraction becomes less important.

With that said I doubt a relationships would last if there's no physical attraction and I'd say it's doomed if they think each other look gross.

What's the story OP? Do you just not find potential partners attractive?

Adieos

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121123329#Comment_121123329

This! This says it all. Fancying somebody is way more than just about looks. I’m just a shade over 50, married 25 years and kids are grown. We’ve the best laughs, we’ve great fun together, we’ve also nearly killed each other and divorced about 37 times in those 25 years, all the normal hard work that came with young kids. Somebody’s looks don’t even come into it when you actually enjoy spending your time together.

taxAHcruel

I would say it's important to me yes. There are so many people in the world that fit some aspect that interests me. People I find funny. People I find attractive physically. People I find interesting or stimulating. People I trust deeply. And so on.

For a long term relationship therefore I never saw the point in compromising on any of those things. I can surround myself in people who fit one or more of them. But for a romantic life long partnership with children and so forth I wanted people who checked all the boxes as best possible.

yourdeadwright

Personally yes, i fancy the hoop off my wife as much as i did 20 years ago,

But everyone is different ,

That being said we have all meet people who we don't find attractive looking when we see them, then when u speak to them they become alluring ,

YellowLead

You absolutely have to find somebody attractive. As mentioned by most other posters - attraction isn’t all about looks! So you can fancy somebody who isn’t conventionally good looking because of the whole package.

Basically do you want to kiss them is a good test.

Leg End Reject

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121129508#Comment_121129508

Basically do you want to kiss them is a good test.

And what you feel when you kiss them.