When to give up on a friendship

zizi03

Looking for some advice on a friendship. Friends over 25 years have been friends through kids, marriages, (her divorce), deaths absolutely everything.

The dynamic of our relationship with just the way our lives planned out was I was kinda her saviour(her words), her go to person, the person that picked up the pieces when she fell apart.

She has been through a lot and is just felt it was my job as her friend to be there. In the last 17years she’s divorced, got into a new abusive relationship, ended the relationship, had 2 children with him, lost both her parents, I mean through the ringer. I do notice a pattern when she has a partner that she becomes distant and much less in touch, only calling if she’s a problem or needs something but I kinda let it go although it niggled. She had such a hard time in her last relationship, he was absolutely horrible and I was there to pick up the pieces. We’d talk 2-4 times a day for years.

In the last year she’s met someone on line and again like before she’s fallen off the planet. Lucky to get a phone call and she might give the odd text.

I got bad news about a parent having cancer and I called and told her, I was distraught. She said all the right things then I didn’t hear from her. This is the girl that called all the time over the years when she was going through her sh**.

She text me one day and I just said it out straight. Where was she during my time of need. I don’t mean physically, we all have things going on but not even the usual phone calls. She said ah sorry blah blah but nothing has changed. She’s busy etc.

She might send the odd text but that’s it. I am up the walls worried about my parent but she just hasn’t been there for me. I know it’s all down to her having a new partner.

She has said to a mutual friend she thinks it’s down to her new man and that’s my problem. It couldn’t b further from the truth. I was delighted she found someone but didn’t think she’d b silly enough to disappear again and drop everyone again ( it’s not just me but other friends too)

I am married with children and I have always made time and dropped everything when she needed me even if it was just listening to her at the other end of the phone.

I am really considering just letting the friendship slide, it’s all one way and I don’t have the strength or energy to fight it anymore.

We are both women in our 40’s .

wildwillow

There is a pattern here as in lots of friendships, one giver, one taker.

She won’t change and become your go to person.

Decide if you just want friendship or support and act accordingly.

zizi03

Thanks wildwillow, that’s the thing though. There is no friendship anymore bar a few texts a week.

I feel very betrayed and stupid.

How do u even act, tell her out straight or just stop replying. 25 years is a long time

Goodigal

Sounds like it's a v unbalanced friendship. Let her go, just don't reply to her next few messages. You've given her enough of your precious time OP.

Look after yourself and your family. I'm sure you have other more reliable people in your life that value you more than this friend.

Furze99

"She might send the odd text but that’s it."

"There is no friendship anymore bar a few texts a week"

Which is it, a few txts a week is not exactly cutting the cord of friendship I'd have thought?

bucketybuck

I would point out something. When she needed support she called you and you listened. But did you ever call her pre-emptively or did you just react to her calls?

Because now you need support and are waiting for her to call you and offer it, but is that what she did? If she didn't wait for you to call, then why are you waiting for her to call, just do what she did, pick up the phone and call her first.

Its a small difference in perspective but might be an important one.

In more general terms though, if a friendship is only ever a one way street then ditch it, you won't lose much by doing so.

zizi03

Exactly my point. It’s gone from the best of friends to a few texts since she got into a new relationship

zizi03

We are friends over 25 years. We called each other, we visited each other. The calls always worked both ways.

I have been lucky in the sense I didn’t have much major dramas over the years until now, she on the other hand had a lot going on and I tried my best to be there and help her. Now the table has turned she just hasn’t done the same for me. It’s a bitter pill to swallow

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121069660#Comment_121069660

I agree with @Goodigal

And I agree, OP, it is a bitter pill to swallow. It can become a pattern in a friendship that we don't notice until something happens and we realise that it has become a one way street.

You have said it to her, fair play to you. She has chosen to see that as 'oh she has a problem with my new man.' Grand. Leave her to it. Next time she calls wanting your support, you will probably find yourself almost automatically starting to drop everything in order to help, as you were used to doing. So be prepared for that response in yourself.

It hurts. There's no denying that. But I would just let it drift. She might make an effort when she isn't getting a response, but equally, she might not.

I hope that your parent is doing okay. Gather your family and friends close and mind yourself.

witchgirl26

My best friend of 34 years & I, only exchange the odd few texts a week as standard & I would still call her my best friend. I don't judge the friendship on the frequency of contact but the quality of the same.

I do think the other poster that asked if you had called her asking for support rather than waiting for the call is on to something. I lost my dad a number of years ago & a lot of the time, even my best friends, didn't pre-emptively ring me or text me but let me initiate the contact as they didn't know if I wanted to be left alone or not. I couldn't fault them for that & I knew where they were coming from with it.

Yes if you feel that the friendship has run it's course, by all means focus on yourself & step away from it but I do think after 25 years, it's worth looking at all sides of it before giving up. If this was a shorter friendship, course it's easier to let go.

I hope your parent is ok.

zizi03

I don’t think my expectation is too high to expect a phone call to see how my parent is. It’s a text ‘ how is xxxx feeling today’ nothing more nothing less.

When I first got the news she was the first person I called. When I was getting over the shock I’d call her for our usual chats but it was always, let me call you back (9 times of of 10 she didn’t), busy at the min will call later, or simply didn’t pick up. I got pi**ed off with it as when I say she could call 10 times a day and I always made time to listen. I have a full time job and kids so I am busy too.

The new guy lives in another part of the country and even before the diagnosis I’d ask if she wanted to meet but every weekend was spent away with the new partner.

I think considering such bad news I expected the same as I gave her but I have learnt that has not been the case the hard way,

TheadoreT

Maybe its bringing back traumatic memories of her own parents passing. Like you say she was the first to reach out which shows you were a top priority but it sounds like she doesnt want to dwell in it too long, thats fair enough imo.

Some people are better at detaching from deep emotion and being there for a friend without it derailing their own life, for others it will drag them into depression too.

I think you're being a little harsh on her personally. I'd say if you're more grateful for when she does reach out rather than annoyed she isn't reaching out enough it will help the situation for everyone.

Sorry you're going through this difficult time.

Galwaysgal

I am going though a similar experience at the moment, had a coffee earlier today with my sister and she advised if you rarely feel like a priority or if you sense that your friend doesn’t think you’re worth their time, it’s best to move on. I think that might apply to you too. It's hard as so many memories but you need to put yourself first, if you are not being treated the way you should be.