Let go or hold on for another chance?

bravebrokenheart

First time poster so be kind.

1 month ago I found myself blindsided by my wife when she came to me to tell me she had "feelings for someone else".

Despite having support from my siblings and speaking with counsellor I find myself still wondering if there is any chance left to salvage our relationship or should I just let her go. Hoping any fellow Boardsies who have been through this might recognise anything similar in their experience and willing to sharing feedback (no matter how sobering it might be for me).

Anyways here are some of the key facts (sorry about length) that might help with above:

Myself and my wife have been together since college with neither of us ever having previous serious relationships - so 25+ years together. In that time we have had 2 children and she has lost key family members to illness/old age. We have some happy times and more recently some rocky times. We are very headstrong characters so communication has not always been easy. A lot of family has recently been diagnosed with mental health issues so for a while I thought my wife would have been prone to bouts of depression (but she never sought help). This (in my head) explained times when we fought and she took to staying in bed for days with a common mantra of "leave me alone" but I had never been able to read signs.

Four years ago she inherited a house in the opposite side of country (where her parents are original from -ie. their spiritual home). Both of us work and at the time I was able to help her out with financing renovating of this old house. As I thought it would make her happy I left her sink her teeth into this pet project while I minded the kids and looked after home. I was wary that if I got involved I may cause upset by saying/doing something that would cause divide so told her I would only help & visit old house if asked.

In those 4 years she moved from full time to part time hours and more time was spent in the old house. In her head the house went from holiday home to eventual destination for early retirement. I wasn't completely on board with this and a few times expressed my desire to retire abroad but was then reminded of this "spiritual home". Anyways I thought no more of it until more recently.

During these time my eldest went through mental health issues in her mid-late teens and caused great divide in our ways of parenting and in turn our relationships. Then Covid arrived, I was made work from home but we did end up arguing in the close confines. These arguments usually had a certain pattern -me questioning what she might have been doing , she taking it personally then dishing out personal insults and leaving the room. In the heat of the moment I had told her on more than one occasion "if you are not happy here go to the old house". Prior to the lockdown she decided to visit old house with our son so I think the time apart allowed for some healing of relationship. The lock down lifted my wife and son returned and we got on better.

However she had decided she needed more space and moved out of bedroom to the converted attic in our family home. I thought this was temporary at the time but as time went on she continued this arrangement despite my encouragement to change. I have seen how some people now refer to this as Sleep Divorce.

Nevertheless when second lockdown occurred I lost my job and she was very supportive. We spent a good bit of time together at home and things seemed to be getting better. We were even intimate a few times at home (which bucked the trend of just when we were away and had to share a bed together). Anyway it didn't continue on this path. She developed new interests and they along with old house seemed to occupy the core of her time. Myself and kids recognised these new hobbies as fads as she had often taken something up and while not given it up it was often put to the back burner (eg. music, languages). Along with her work (which she was not enjoying) I believed the responsibilities of these new interests was stretching herself too thin and didn't allow for any family time.

Then her own immediate family had some health issues which burdened her further. I think at the time she was not equipped to deal with this stress. Trips to the old house became longer as she saw this as refuge from everything else that went on in her life. I continued to mind the fort at home without objection. Then fast forward to 2 months ago - we enjoyed a family occasion with a weekend away (again where we shared same bed and were intimate) and with no arguments to speak of we enjoyed another family occasion (5 weeks ago) The following day myself and herself were up earlier had a good conversation about our relationship and then she dropped the bombshell on me -she had "feelings for someone else" and she wanted to follow them up.

I had to trust her when she told me she had not acted on these feelings yet but she went on saying life was too short to be locked into a romantic-less relationship. She went on to tell me she had meet this person in last few months on a few of the hobby excursion in region near the old house and started to have a bond with this person. She said she did n't think of following up on it until the other person showed an interest in her. She then in same breath said "I still love you, am physically attracted to you but I need that spark-spiritual connection". She then went on to speak of similarities between this new person and me (eg. kind, gets on with people) and how he had meet her close friend & parents (introduced as friend). He's an older single man and that's where I had to ask her to stop giving me details.

My floor had just collapsed from under me. I still love her and in shock I was saying stuff like "I only want to see you happy". That week was a blur -I was very upset, did n't sleep, did n't really eat. She was around the house with me and seemed to mirror my upset but her own admission was relived to have cleared her conscience of these feelings she had had (apparently for just the prior month). In the following days I went through the typically stages of a grieving person but kept circling back to Bargaining.

While she was out one day that week I took the day to write a heartfelt love letter hoping it woo her back. Gutted I got no unprompted reaction and had to ask her what she thought of it. She said it upset her but words would not change her mind. The following day I asked her to reconsider given all the time we had spent together and given the amount of people it would impact (kids, her family, my family).

She agreed on this before she went away that weekend to another part of country to visit a female friend for her hobby. She had said she needed headspace so I only heard from her via Whatsapp/SMS and by my own admission my messages were very needy in nature. She returned home briefly where I had to prompt her on her commitment to think about -where she said she had but I know deep down the "headspace" quote was just a metaphor for ostrich approach - out of sight out of mind.

Anger must have set on my behalf-I repeated my request that she move out of the family home if she can not stop contact with this new person as she by definition was breaking up the family. She said she need time to sort this out. I was amazed by this as it seemed so rushed but very little thought put into it. She then left for her sister for the week so I was left deal with the pieces and as I am self employed working from home with poorly performing business I had more time (to think) on my hands than I needed.

At this stage I told my siblings and parents who amazingly were not judgemental but very supportive nevertheless. The following weekend we had to play happy families in attending my father in law's birthday -he is sick with cancer so everyone thinking it's his last birthday. Both the kids nor her parents knew so it was very difficult to sit there looking ok.

The following day my wife told the kids the news at our home. Secretly I was hoping they would be angry and challenge her but they were very mature and came to comfort me.

A week later I asked her to move out ,she had 4 weeks to get things sorted and I felt her caring loving support she exhibited when she delivered new first was long gone. She had no longer time to reply to my messages or ring me in any meaningful way. This was causing anxiety for me and I was n't sleeping thinking she is in same house but only a few metres away from me. Her plan to find a place withing 30 mins of family home (to see our son & commute to work) has been put to the side as she doesn't want to live with strangers and other accommodation pricey & scarity. She also did n't want to stay with her own family (1 hour away) which is a telling sign too. So her plan now is spend half the time in the old house and stay with a female work friend the other part of the week.

Prior to this arrangement earlier in the week I had been away for weekend and allowed her to stay with my son in the home. On my return she was a mess -very upset and not able to think straight. She said this was triggered by having to move her stuff out, her Dad being sick and a new role at work. I went against what my brain was telling me and suggested she could stay the night in our home. I said to her if this is too painful for her she did n't have to do it - she had a choice if she wanted to be with someone else. Her responses nearly suggest the opposite in that she could be dead tomorrow and has to live life. I do hope to live another 40+ years so I did n't agree with that.

Another chance (short trial) is what I was asking for. I have told her to only communicate with me via phone calls as her tone and response with messages are very cold/odd and transactional (which is nearly opposite to mine). The counsellor I spoke to applauded me for recognising this as a trigger but I keep on falling into trap of sending messages (keeping humourous/interesting) as I keep thinking if I stop the communication it will just fall into the hands of the new person. I don't know and am almost afraid to ask how that relationship is going for her as currently it must be a long distance one done on phone/messages.

Anyways this is tormenting me. I have too much time to think and I don't think she wants to listen to anything further. I reflect too much on past -what would I change and was I facilitator in all this. I did say to her that counselling would not be a bad thing for her right now (immediately) as with all that is going on in her life right now that she can n't see the wood from the trees. When we bring up the past together she just cites bad times and does n't seem to recognise good times together. No room for sentiment. My head is telling me she has moved on but my heart is hoping there more time I can get with her (in person/on phone/through messages) the more there is chance. I have been advised that I need to let her make that decision so avoid influencing actions and also cut lines of communication but easier said than done.

Appreciate any constructive feedback. Thanks.

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Edited to add paragraphs to make reading easier

Become Death

God.

So sorry to hear all this.

I went through something similar and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to let go.

I know that you would do anything to win her back and have her back, but believe me, even if that happened, the trust would never fully come back. You will be constantly over-thinking every bad mood, every curt sentence and always in the back of your mind, you will feel like 2nd best.

You owe it to yourself and your kids to focus on you and your kids happiness. That, and only that, will see you right.

She is gone.

You need to let go completely and in time, she will become the mother of your child who you care about, not the love of your life that has left.

Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this. But you will get through it.

Best of luck.

bravebrokenheart

Thanks Become Death

KrustyUCC

Hey Op

Lot to unpack there

One thing I would say is be firm in getting her to move out

If she's gone she's gone

Not asking her to stay in the house when she gets upset

She needs to make decisions herself

She has checked out long ago unfortunately so I don't think there's anything left to salvage

bravebrokenheart

Thanks KristyUCC. Appreciate you taking time to read and comments. Would be a lot easier if I never had to see or hear from her again but organising visitation of our son will be a weekly hurdle I have to get over.

Str8outtaWuhan

Lawyer up, OP. If her dad is alive it's the only thing stopping her from going bunny boiler. Begin separation agreement with view to amicable divorce. Be honest with Ur kids they are old enough to know their mother has had her head turned.

bravebrokenheart

Sorry I don't think you have the jist of what I have posted. Kids know full story and she isn't after money.

radiotrickster

This is easier said than done but it’s time to get a lawyer involved and think logically instead of emotionally, OP. You need to do what’s best for you and your children. It’s bound to be confusing for them if they see how upset their mother is and see her staying over, or hear you offering her the option to stay the night.

You need to set up new boundaries and stick to them. Any contact with her needs to be about the kids, and while it may hurt when it feels so cold, that’s what you need right now.

She was the one to decide it was over, and it’s all becoming real for her now as she has to move out of the comfort of her home where she could come and go as she pleased, seeing the kids when she wanted and going to the other home when it suited her. It’s not as rosy or thrilling a life as she likely expected.

Find a good lawyer with experience in this area. They’ll have seen it all before and will be able to advise you on next steps.

Goodigal

Couldn't read and not reply.

Can hear how much you still love your wife and are confused by her actions. But it seems she's pulled away for years now without you really realising. Probably because you very kindly gave her the space and minded the kids while she carried out the work on the old house. And indulged in hobbies she wanted to explore.

You most obviously didn't envisage her finding someone else. None of us do. And when it happens, your first thing is to think of ways to get them back. But I'm afraid it might be too late. And you need to start to accept that. Try not to think of her engaging with her new person. That will destroy you. It ate me up inside. Til one day it didn't!

Limit your contact to arrangement about the kids. Keep going to your counsellor. Be kind to yourself OP. It will take a long time to process what's happening and to adapt to the new way of life. But you'll get there.

TheadoreT

If someone asks you for space, give them that, don't ramp up your calls and texts in fear of losing them. Everything you're doing is pushing her away further.

YellowLead

Sorry to hear that OP. But it seems like she has made her mind up, so it’s not a case of letting her go, it’s a case of accepting and moving on. It’s hard after so long, but you’ll never both be happy if one person isn’t feeling fulfilled in the relationship. Chances are she might want to come back if things don’t pan out with this new man (and they likely won’t) - it will be up to you then to try again if you want but I wouldn’t see there being a point as she’d likely be gone at the next sign of somebody she fancied. Best for you both to let this one go. And if you can do it amicably - that will be amazing for you and the kids.

bravebrokenheart

Thanks Goodigal, TheodoreT and YellowLead. Appreciate your honesty. It reveals what I should have know. Today was a tough day for me as son first day back at school so son gone and alone in house. But also first visit from wife (to see son) since her new arrangements took place.

jen1978

So sorry to read all that.

i would let her go. So easy for us to say that after 25 years together. But think of the next 25. You sound like such a kind hearted soul. She really doesnt seem as interested in the marriage going on what you say. In my opinion could be mental health at play but it should not take from the manner in which she has quite coldly treated you.

cut ties, keep up counselling. Look after your children- set and keep strick visitation Nd boundaries.

the very best of luck. This is the first step of the rest of your life. Keep receiving the support and love of your own siblings too. Take care

bravebrokenheart

Thanks Jen1978

Sunny Disposition

Sorry you are in this position, it is very severe, no question.

I don’t think there’s anything you can do, she has decided to leave, it’s sad for you and your children, but ultimately it does have to be accepted.

Id suggest you keep contact with her to the absolute minimum. Having boundaries is important for your sanity. Keep talking to the counsellor, try and be as good to yourself as is possible, take support from those close to you who can offer it.

Its probably impossible to see it now, but this is a new beginning for you too and things will be a lot better in time.

Just wondering how old the two children are?

bravebrokenheart

Thanks Sunny Disposition. One of my children is in early 20s and off in college. The other is in his mid teens and still in school.

lindy123

Hi OP. I couldn't read your post and not reply.

I am struck by what a balanced, fair and reasonable person you seem to be. You have given your wife lots of space to pursue her own interests, and have held the fort while she did so - which of course all couples should do, but this is not always feasible where children are involved, work commitments etc. Even after the way you've been treated, you are still non-judgemental, and still trying to see things from your wife's perspective.

I have no expertise, other than life experience, so I am just putting on my amateur psychologist hat here. From my position as a middle-aged married female, I feel your wife is not sure what she wants herself. You were both committed/married to each other at a very young age, so maybe she got bored, or more likely her sense of self / self-identity got subsumed by marriage and children. This would explain the needing space, trying out new hobbies etc, trying to rekindle who she used to be, and trying to find some excitement. She possibly came to take you for granted, and hence the way she has treated you.

I feel she owes you a lot more explanation for all of this than she has given you - but then again, this depends on where her own head is at, as no-one knows what internal crisis she is experiencing. But I definitely don't think you should be humiliating yourself by pursuing her when she clearly doesn't want to be in the marriage right now. You deserve better than to lower yourself to meet her changing demands. But more pertinently, I think this begging behaviour lowers her perception of you and respect for you.

However, to give you hope, it is possible that she may at some point in the future see what she had and what she has lost, and realise that this new 'relationship' was not what she thought it would be. Or that the freedom she sought was just a mirage. At this stage, you may be over her and have moved on. Or if you were both interested, some individual and/or couples counselling might allow you to re-kindle a relationship. It may be possible for you to start over, but you would need clear evidence of a new commitment from her. Plenty of people have done this before - but you need to make sure not to compromise your own self-esteem, so make sure to set your own boundaries.

Most of all, look after yourself, and perhaps get some counselling for yourself and the adult/teen children, just to work through all of this in a safe space. I wish you all the best xxxx

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121054211#Comment_121054211

That's hard on the younger one too, sorry ye are having to deal with this.

bravebrokenheart

Thanks Lindy123.

I appreciate your perspective, it's not something I have been able to tap into as counseling was more or less a listening tool with some aid. No disrespect to it but while it was external advice it was unbiased to an extent. My own family support is completely bias which is expected so it useful to read all the responses. I think my kids might have seen the writing on the wall for a while so hence don't seem to be visible upset by it but one good thing my wife has been able to do is get some sessions with Jigsaw for younger one.

thegetawaycar

Sorry OP, just confirming what others have said.

It's time to let her go, it does seem she's happy keeping you as a fall back option so time to insist she moves out, no sleeping over if sad etc... lawyer up and get an agreement in place on the kids ASAP.

If things don't work with the new man and/or the father passes away you'll be leaned on until the next time she sees grass greener or even worse she'll push for full custody etc...

She's checked out and now it's time to finalise it and try move on over time.

spaceHopper

"We have some happy times and more recently some rocky times. 

We are very headstrong characters so communication has not always been easy. 

times when we fought and she took to staying in bed for days with a common mantra of "leave me alone" but I had never been able to read signs. 

to help her out with financing renovating of this old house.

As I thought it would make her happy

I left her sink her teeth into this pet project while I minded the kids and looked after home.

I was wary that if I got involved I may cause upset by saying/doing something that would cause divide so told her I would only help & visit old house if asked.

In those 4 years she moved from full time to part time hours and more time was spent in the old house.

In her head the house went from holiday home to eventual destination for early retirement.

I was n't completely on board with this and a few times expressed my desire to retire abroad but was then reminded of this "spiritual home".

During these time my eldest went through mental health issues in her mid-late teens and caused great divide in our ways of parenting and in turn our relationships. 

Then Covid arrived, I was made work from home but we did end up arguing in the close confines.

These arguments usually had a certain pattern -me questioning what she might have been doing , she taking it personally then dishing out personal insults and leaving the room. 

In the heat of the moment I had told her on more than one occasion "if you are not happy here go to the old house". Prior to the lockdown she decided to visit old house with our son so I think the time apart allowed for some healing of relationship.

However she had decided she needed more space and moved out of bedroom to the converted attic in our family home.

We were even intimate a few times at home (which bucked the trend of just when we were away and had to share a bed together). Anyway it did n't continue on this path. 

She developed new interests and they along with old house seemed to occupy the core of her time. 

Along with her work (which she was not enjoying) I believed the responsibilities of these new interests was stretching herself too thin and did n't allow for any family time. 

Trips to the old house became longer as she saw this as refuge from everything else that went on in her life. I continued to mind the fort at home without objection. 

Then fast forward to 2 months ago - we enjoyed a family occasion with a weekend away (again where we shared same bed and were intimate) and with no arguments to speak of we enjoyed another family occasion (5 weeks ago) The following day myself and herself were up earlier had a good conversation about our relationship and then she dropped the bombshell on me -she had "feelings for someone else" and she wanted to follow them up."

Sorry you are going through this but it looks like you have been walking on eggshells around her for a long time her way of resolving conflict it to shout or run from it. And you are doing you best to be nice while she it taking full advantage of it. I don't think her early retirement included you to be honest.

I would be very surprised if she hasn't already seen a lawyer, you need to see one as soon a possible to see where you stand, for example did you guarantee a loan for the renovation of the house, do you have a lean on that house, happens to the family home.

I wouldn't delay sorting out the legal side of things now as it will help you to move on and there is a very good chance that things with her and the new guy won't work out, he's used to been single and probably happy not to settle down. Once that bombshell lands he'll be gone and you'll still be around to receive her anger. Don't try to patch thing up if that happens your relationship will never be the same. You must be in your 40's now enough time to build a new life do you want it to happen again in you 60s or 70s.

It's bad that her father isn't well but him finding out isn't your problem - it's hers.

Also if she wants to have her own place on two side of the country she needs to go back to full time work.

I hope everything works out, good luck.

bravebrokenheart

Thanks spaceHopper.

I should say that all families are in the know now and I really am not concerned with the legal side of things at this stage.

HazeDoll

It's understandable that you don't want to face the hassle of looking at the legal implications of this but you should try to do it as soon as possible.

You don't have to be sneaky about it, you can let her know what's happening and what the next steps are. She will understand that you are not planning on using the law to ruin her life.

More importantly, until you address the legal aspect you will secretly cling to the dream that she will see the error of her ways and come back to you and you will live happily ever after.

That's not going to happen. Even if she doesn't stay with the other chap, your marriage is broken. The biggest favour you can do yourself and your kids is to start preparing for the life you want to have in a year, in five years or ten years. You want an amicable but distant relationship with your ex-wife and you want to have moved on to a new happier phase in your own life.

And don't let her stay the night, don't offer to help her move house, don't lend her money or a ladder or a book or anything. Be wary of any efforts she might make to keep you on the hook and don't entertain them. It's time to start your own life.

Big Bag of Chips

Hiya bravebrokenheart, there's a lot of information in your first post, and as a result I'm not sure if I missed it, but I think from what you've said, your wife doesn't just have feelings for someone, and is confused. I think she has already started a physical relationship with this other person.

You don't blow up your whole family just because you have feelings for someone else. You don't tell your children you are ending your marriage because you've had a crush on someone for a month. You don't walk away from your children and your life unless there is something concrete to walk away to.

She is already in a relationship with this man. The weekend away to a female friend to do with her hobby was in fact a weekend away with him. She's already introduced him to her family! She is lying to you. Without question. She is minimising and hoping to walk away from this the brave woman who ended a bad marriage. The reality is she has cheated on you but doesn't want to be seen as a cheat to those around her.

It's an awful awful time for you. It's not something I would wish on anyone. But you need to see this situation for exactly what it is now. There is no point in trying to fight for this or to get her back. There's nothing you will do one way or another that will convince her to remain in your marriage. She has already started a new relationship. (Although she might say whatever she thinks you want to hear in order to remain in the family home.)

I advise you to look after yourself. Because this really does have the potential to turn very nasty. I hope for all your sakes it doesn't. But the truth of the matter is you are going to separate. It is inevitable. She wants to begin a new chapter with a different person so the legal side of everything will eventually have to be sorted. Take some time to grieve the loss of the marriage you had. It's not going to be easy on you. But then start looking in to the best way for you both to walk away with as little collateral damage as possible.

I hope you're ok. Give yourself time.

bravebrokenheart

Thanks a million to all the contributors and their kind words.

I have put a lot of trust and energy into the relationship so been blinkered & naïve -the honesty & suggestions from you has helped.

While I wean myself off the love drug (Love the sinner and not the sins and me not being a saint myself) I wish you all the best in your own lives.

[No need to follow up with additional posts -maybe a moderator can close discussion]

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Thread closed at request of OP.

Thanks all who took time to give advice.

All the best OP, and if you wish to have the thread reopened drop me or any of the PI mods a PM.

Hilda