Worried about my friend and guy she is with for 3 months

Fresh air helps!

Snipped and thanks for replies. I am not going to say anything & risk losing a good friend.

Big Bag of Chips

She's an adult woman, capable of making her own decisions. I'd just step back a little and let her find her own feet in her own time. First relationship she gets into is really unlikely to go the distance. So why not just let her go out, meet people and see what happens. As you say yourself, she's not a stupid woman. She seems to see this for what it is. Who's to say she'll get hurt? Yes, she deserves love, respect and happiness. But that doesn't mean the first fella she goes out with is going to be the one to provide that for her. Just step back and let her find her feet herself. Without the pressure of needing to find a new "life partner" immediately.

If she feels things aren't right, she'll figure it out herself and she'll call it off herself without needing her friends pointing it out to her. She was strong enough to walk away from an abusive relationship, so she'll be ok. Just be a friend to her. That's what she needs now. Not someone telling her what to do. This situation suited her for a while. It helped her get back out meeting people and dating. That's a positive. She's likely to have a few more false starts. But that's ok. You can't protect her always, and you can't make her decisions for her. To be honest, from what you say she seems to be doing ok.

Fresh air helps!

Deleted

Princess Calla

I've been in some humdinger "relationships" . I knew fairly early that things weren't right (I think that may have been the appeal)

The absolute last thing I needed or wanted was someone sticking their nose in pointing out I was being an idiot.

If you do this there's a risk she'll dig her heels in and stay longer in the relationship than she should just to prove you wrong.

Yeah she might get hurt when it ends but that's mostly your pride, you get over that. Just make sure you are there for her if and when it does end.

Unless there's physical or financial abuse I'd stay well out of it and let her make her own mistakes.

TheadoreT

You're waaaaaay too involved here. Just because he isn't love bombing her doesn't mean he doesn't see things potentially progressing in the future. And even if they don't that's fine too, it's still early days and that's ultimately what healthy dating is, slowly seeing if the other person is suitable for something more serious.

People can be friends with their exes. The fact he's openly communicating this with her is a good sign, rather than if he was hiding it. You're projecting your own views on men and trust by saying she's a sideshow here. That's all you.

There's no red flags from what I'm reading so you need to take a massive step back and potentially analyse why you're taking such an intense interest in a friends life(not the first thread you've written about her) to a point of potentially sabotaging a relationship of hers.

Hannibal_Smith

You are way overstepping OP. You're a friend not a life manager, she's smart and intelligent and has been through a hell of a relationship before. She's very capable of running her own life. If things start to turn sour and he's mistreating her absolutely say something. But this is something that is only three months old between two people coming out of their own divorces. Let them run their own relationship as they see fit. And if it doesn't work out then be a friend and step in. After months of you telling her to try meet someone and now she's found someone you want to tell her to end it because he doesn't meet your standards?

She is not a stupid woman it suited her to keep it quiet & see how it would go but we all feel they spend enough time together for him to know where this is going.

This is not your call to make.

Are we right to pull her aside and tell her we thinks she needs to end it now?

No. You're completely over invested in your friend's relationship that is only 3 months old and that they're not even invested in yet!

I have not met him I would love to I would know immediately his intentions towards her.

You've never even met him. You have absolutely no right or business to interrogate him about his intentions! Maybe they both are just in it for a casual fling.

maybe when she mentions him keeping her a secret you could ask her how she feels about that and listen to her. But whatever decision she makes is exactly that - her decision.

Big Bag of Chips

A lot of your post is very contradictory and a lot is about what "we" want rather than what she wants.

She met a guy in May after months of us all at her to start going out again and meet people.

Why were you "at her" for months? She's an adult woman who will do things in her own time, at her own pace. If she was not ready to go out and try meet someone new, why were you all pushing her. She's had a traumatic relationship. Wanting to stay single isn't a bad thing. She doesn't have to get into another relationship. Being in a relationship doesn't have to be the end goal.

She is not a stupid woman it suited her to keep it quiet & see how it would go

So, it suited her to take this slowly, wait and see what happens. He also said they'd take it slowly and see where it goes. Sounds very sensible for two mature adults coming out of relationships. I'm really not seeing a problem here.

but we all feel they spend enough time together for him to know where this is going.

That's fair enough, but what "you all" feel is completely irrelevant. You're not the 2 of them. Your situations might be completely different. You're not her. She's not you. You have to allow her to conduct herself, and any potential relationships the way she wants to. 3 months is nothing. It's about 12 weeks. As a teenager, I was going out with boys for longer than that before telling my mother! It's barely a relationship. If your friend feels ready to progress this a bit, then that is up to her to decide, and up to her to discuss with him. Just because she has (might have) reached that point already, doesn't mean he has to. It's very controlling to try dictate to another person where they should be in terms of relationships and how they should be feeling.

He has said things to her that make us think she is going to get hurt..

And she mightn't get hurt. You can't interfere.

...we think she knows to

So, she knows. If she knows then she'll do something about it when she's ready. She'll either discuss the next step with him. Or she'll end it.

She deserves love, respect & happiness and to have someone proud to show her off and this guy is making us nervous

Again, how he makes you feel is irrelevant. It's been a very very short time. For you to be pretty much demanding this man falls in love with your friend, who it's fair to say is probably a bit guarded and slow to invest herself after everything she's been through, is incredibly unfair and quite immature. It sounds like she's happy enough. She's been away with him. He treats her well. But he's taking this slowly. They both are. How you and your friends feel about him and the pace of their relationship is completely irrelevant.

Are we right to pull her aside and tell her we thinks she needs to end it now?

Absolutely not.

I rang her earlier and got the vibe she is doubting things...

Right. So let her make her own decisions in her own time.

...so maybe she needs that push from her friends to do what is best for her longterm?

She probably doesn't.

We are just very worried about someone using a good person who does not deserve it.

You need to get control of this. You all are far too invested in someone else's life and relationship. It's none of your business. And honestly if I was your friend, I'd feel your friendship very suffocating. You really really need to step back. It's nice to be a good friend. It's nice to care about our friends and hope they'll be happy. But you and your other friends are completely overstepping the line by taking on so much responsibility for her. Your posts are full of "we". She's ok. Just leave her be. Otherwise you might find her withdrawing from you all because you're dictating her life to her.

You haven't even met this fella and you're considering telling her she needs to end it. Are you going to be this invested in the next fella, and the next?

Just as an aside, I have best friend of over 30 years. We were each others bridesmaids, we are Godmother to each others children, I don't particularly like her husband. I don't know how she has stayed with him all these years. I know my husband isn't her favourite person... But you know what? It's irrelevant. I'm not going out with or married to her husband. Their relationship is none of my business. She loves him. She's married to him. She lives with him and everything I don't like about him (extremely noisy eater being one complaint I have!) My feelings on him are completely irrelevant and they've been married 25 years. And are perfectly fine together despite me not being his biggest fan.

Just be friends to her. You can't protect her from life. This relationship might end. She might feel a bit disappointed, or she might be the one to end it and realise he's not what she wants. She might never date again, or she might date a different fella every month for the next 4 years. Whatever she does, is up to her. She needs friends to sit around and chat to and talk to. She doesn't need friends to control and dictate her life and relationships by instructing her when and who she should be dating. I don't doubt for a minute you mean well. But your behaviour around this sounds very like what teenagers would do. Being over invested, thinking your opinion on your friends boyfriend is the most important and valid, even more important than her own feelings. She'll figure it out herself. If she wants your advice she'll ask for it. But even though she asks, she mightn't actually even take your advice. She'll do what she wants to do, when she is ready to do it.

Step back.

TheadoreT

"Intentions" is such an ugly and dated word especially given the circumstances here. It suggests that anything other than a long term commitment makes him a "bad" guy.

Honestly given they're both out of marriages their current setup sounds ideal and advisable while they both heal. It may or may not develop further but that's in no way a negative reflection on him. Forcing your rigid views of relationships and men upon her only serves to get in her head at a point where the relationship is just fun and breezy.

The most important line in your post is "he is good to her and they seem to do nice things". That's where your concern should end.

Fresh air helps!

Thank you for the replies and yes you all have points maybe I am underestimating her and it is just worry after everything she went through with her ex but I have to remember she fought that fight herself and healed on her own. I just hate the thoughts of someone using her and hiding her she is worth so much more. She has been very good to me at a tough time in my life I just want to be the same to her. I am not going to say anything unless she does, for now she seems happy and managing the new chapter of her life well. I suppose I posted here because I know if I said anything to others that know her they would be very confident in her decision making. It is just those comments he made to her my husband also thought they were red flags when I asked him for a male opinion.

Princess Calla

So many things can be taken as red flags if that's how you wish to interpret them.

Remember you're hearing your friends synopsis of conversations. You're not getting tone, body language etc of how a statement was delivered.

You've already made up your mind that you don't like this guy no matter what he does now isn't going to sit well with you.

I honestly think you have an unhealthy fascination with this relationship. You're coming across as very overbearing. Take a step back and stop over analysing a relationship that you are not in.

Big Bag of Chips

What did he say that you and your husband think are red flags? Was it the "let's wait and see" comment. If so then I think you are way off the mark.

This woman is out of an abusive marriage and has kids. I think him pushing himself into her life, insisting on meeting her friends, family, introducing her to his, professing love and commitment etc would be a far bigger red flag at this stage. She needs someone to take things slowly. She has lived with an abusive bully. She doesn't need another one pushing himself into her life and telling her what she should be doing and how she should be feeling. Or worse ignoring how she feels and just ploughing ahead with what he (you?) wants.

You are seriously underestimating your friend. It sounds like she has her head screwed on.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120971787#Comment_120971787

If everyone else who knows her is confident in her decision making except you, your other friend and your husband. That should tell you something.

Of course you care about your friend and want to see her happy, but that does not mean you can control her life. Let her live her life and you focus on your own and if and when she needs help and advice she knows she can come to you.

YellowLead

I think you are right to be concerned as this certainly doesn’t sound good from my perspective - I don’t know why somebody would hide a relationship, unless they didn’t really care for the other person. If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t warn my friend but I would ask questions and ask her if she was alright with how things were and how she feels - then I’d leave it. I’ve seen friends jump into things which are obviously wrong and I always give my opinion, but only once and then I leave it for them to figure out, which they always do and tbh it’s a good learning experience. You can’t protect her from everything - she will be wiser next time.

TheadoreT

I assume this is the same husband you were trying to get a baring order against earlier this year? Perhaps not the best person to seek advice from?

Are you trying to create issues for others to distract yourself from your own?

Fresh air helps!

She is the one who helped me through that and my husband and I have managed to sort our issues and got back together with the aid of councelling and facing problems.

TheadoreT

Still, a baring order is a *very* extreme measure to resort to so it can't have been a small thing, and it's very recent. You're blowing her very minor issue out of proportion and minimising your own seemingly massive one. Its a strange juxtaposition and almost certainly deflecting. Maybe personal therapy to fully come to terms with whatever you went through would be advisable.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120972164#Comment_120972164

I agree and disagree with you tbh.

I think if this was a relationship where they were both young free and single but one person was trying to keep it secret I'd be thinking they are hiding something or there's another relationship on the go...or both.

However in this case, with both having failed marriages and an airport full of baggage I can understand why they'd be keeping quiet until they knew more.

3 months in an "adult" life really isn't that long.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120972645#Comment_120972645

I don’t know. I guess it depends on what type of person you are - I’m an open book and like other open books (I am also 39 with baggage and always date others the same). But there isn’t really enough to go on - I mean there’s a difference between hiding it or simply not announcing it - and I’m not sure which is the case here. Eg I agree you wouldn't be introducing to family this soon and you might not go around telling everyone if you didn’t want to jinx things. Perhaps he isn’t close to the housemate and it simply hasn’t come up in conversation- but if he’s taking measures to ensure said housemate isn’t there when she calls over, that’s just highly suspicious.

Hannibal_Smith

OP deleted - thread closed

Thanks to those who took time to offer advice.

HS