Proposal and anxiety - dilemma

D-Lo Brown

Hoping to get some wise words of advice and hopefully someone who has experienced a similar issue

I am with my partner now for many years, nearing 20. We are in our mid 30s,well settled, own our own home etc and we are very happy. I love her to death and we have had a wonderful relationship to date.

I would love to propose to her but I am worried. She suffers quite a bit from anxiety, and the smallest things could trigger it and have a fairly profound effect on her. I know she would be delighted if I asked but then I know that it will send her anxiety into overdrive. She won't have a big wedding because she is very socially anxiou, but I know that she will worry it's letting all her family down. That is just to name just one thought that I know she will have. I can think of multiple more off the top of my head that I won't get into here

I don't suffer from anxiety myself so I can't directly relate to it but I am very aware it can be quite debilitating.

I'm not sure what to do. Any help would be most welcome. And thanks in advance!

Bigmac1euro

Myself and partner similar age are engaged people are always asking when we’re having the wedding especially family and we tell them we’re getting married abroad by ourselves. Shuts them up pretty fast. Weddings cost a fortune these days. Her family or your family don’t matter it’s just between you too. F*ck everyone else.

edit: I’m not sure how helpful that advice is but don’t let anyone expect anything of you two, do it the way you want not what everyone else wants.

Princess Calla

Why don't you look into different registry offices or destination wedding venues and print off an information pack.

Then when you propose you can show her the information pack saying you'd like a small wedding.

It will take the decision making over a large wedding away from her before anxiety has a chance to take hold.

Big Bag of Chips

A proposal doesn't have to mean a big wedding. I assume, since you're together so long, both your families are fully aware of her issues and know what to expect/not to expect.

A wedding is a once off occasion that leads to the legal contract of marriage. The wedding can be you and 2 witnesses in a registry office. It can be you and your immediate families in a small hotel with dinner in the restaurant. It can be the two of you going on holiday to Vegas and coming home with photos of Elvis marrying you!

Have you ever discussed marriage? Me or my husband didn't actually propose to each other, we just decided to get married. Maybe broach the subject with her. What are your reasons for wanting to be married? Remember, it is first and foremost a legal contract. I know that takes the romance out of it, but it's a practical arrangement. It affords you both certain legal rights that you don't have at the moment. At the moment you are not each others legal next of kin for example.

I'd talk to her first before springing a proposal. Get a feel for whether or not she wants to ever get married. Many people don't. Whether or not she'd want a tiny ceremony, just the 2 of you with 2 witnesses, or a small family only wedding, or a slightly larger family and close friends etc.

The one thing to realise is everyone who loves you will want what's best for you both. And whatever you both decide people will just have to go along with it.

Good luck. She's lucky to have you on her side.

HildaOgdenx

Agree with previous posters. Have a chat about it.

I worked with someone who strolled in on a Monday morning and mentioned in passing that she had got married over the weekend. No fuss, no party, nothing. That's what they wanted.

Some people want the big day, some people would prefer the complete opposite, and some fall somewhere in between. And there's nothing wrong with any of those choices.

As Big Bag of Chips said, people will want what's best for both of you.

Best of luck.

D-Lo Brown

Honestly, ye are all so good. Thank you for the well considered replies, it's much appreciated!

Purple Mountain

I agree with the 2 last posters.

If your OH has anxiety maybe springing a proposal on her might not be a good idea.

Having a chat and telling her you'd love to marry her could lau the ground work.

Ask her then if that's her wish too.

Then you could ask her to decide how she would use the proposal to go. You could suggest that she asks you when she's ready? Or you could agree on a time and location when she knows you'll ask.

I just think that might help her because anxiety often doesn't like surprises.

When you have the initial conversation about wanting to marry, reassure her then that you both will have full input into how the actual wedding will be and it'll be down to you both only how that day will look and noone else.

Best of luck!

joeyboy11

Me and my wife got marries in Vegas, just the two of us and our 3 year old daughter. The idea of a big wedding stressed us out so we just did it ourselves. Forget about anyone else and do what suits you

dobman88

If you're together that long, marriage is just a legal formality. Surely there's no need for a big proposal?

When we decided to get married. We were together just over 4 years and I brought it up one night while watching telly. We both agreed we'd get married and we got the ball rolling. Small family and close friends wedding with 60 people. It was great and no stress at all. My wife also suffers with anxiety and depression so I have half an idea what you're going through. She said the way I brought it up was perfect and she'd have dreaded a proposal of any kind, even a private one at home.

Maybe just bring it up with her some time over dinner at home or something and then she can be part of it in going to pick out a ring etc and hopefully wouldn't let the anxiety get the better of her.

Best of luck.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120974840#Comment_120974840

But is there any need for a proposal after having a conversation like this? If they've agreed to get married then why would he need to propose at all? Seems strange to me.

I agree that a mutual discussion is the right approach, though.

Rubberchikken

Talk to her. Find out what she thinks she could handle..small wedding just you two or just immediate family or you two abroad and little shindig when back home etc. Endless options but the main one is the one that suits you two.

A wedding is for a day, marriage is you both.

Best of luck to the two of you.

Neyite

It's very easy even if you are fairly strong willed to cave under pressure from family when planning a wedding. I wanted a pared-back small wedding with just immediate family but got a LOT of push back from well meaning family that we need this and need that. Even some totally normal people seemed to lose the run of themselves when they heard "wedding".

While my wedding was lovely, it wasn't without it's drama and pressure along the way - even despite my best efforts at keeping it very small and very low key. I'm a very calm laid back person and I was very stressed in the run up to it. I don't regret it but if we were in the engagement & planning stages again, I would 100% just plan a simple ceremony in total secret in our favourite holiday location, barefoot on the sand and just announce it to everyone when we returned.

I know someone who only announced her engagement after literally the whole wedding was booked and set in stone. I think she issued the invites at her engagement party for 3 months time to the wedding. That worked really well because nobody really had time complain about X or Y not being part of it.

I worked with a woman who went off to Knock shrine years ago on a day off work to marry her husband. Other than the priest and her partner, not a single other soul knew. Her mother was spluttering mad but couldn't say a thing as it was a catholic wedding after all. But it suited my colleague, as she's incredibly shy and would have hated the white wedding palaver.

So there are ways to do it - but the starting point is to tell not a single soul until you both have it figured out what and how you want. If you can manage to book and pay for it all before you tell people then even better. Most people would baulk at insisting on changes when money's been handed over, but if they did, it's a solid reason why changes won't be happening and easier to stand your ground on it.

D-Lo Brown

Thanks again folks for the advice. It is very much appreciated

Going for it in November. I'll report back!

D-Lo Brown

Hi again!

Just a quickie. As ye can tell, I am absolutely useless at this stuff. But given that we are 18 years together, do I need to mention anything to her parents pre proposal? Or is that a bit old fashioned etc?

Don't want to put my foot in it 😃

dobman88

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121240632#Comment_121240632

It's not a requirement these days. I did ask her Mam for permission because I think it's a nice tradition and she was absolutely delighted that I involved her.

You know yourself how her parents might react, so make your decision based on that. Even though it is an old fashioned tradition, they'd still be delighted to be asked like that imo.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121240632#Comment_121240632

I have very strong feelings about that so my answer would be a hell no, but I suspect I'll be an outlier in that regard.

My original question still stands, though: after 18 years together and given you've already agreed you're getting married, is a proposal required at all???

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121240798#Comment_121240798

I think the better question is how she'd react, not her parents. I'd be absolutely horrified if my partner did it.

TheadoreT

It's horribly sexist and disrespectful of your partner to put her parents feelings and opinions above hers. It originates from a time when women were treated like property. Must be the worst tradition to live on to modern times.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121240818#Comment_121240818

I'd be the same. I've even said I'd never be "given away".

However the idea of being someone's wife never really appealed to me. I did want the house and kids (which I've got) however marriage I'm very meh about.

So OP , you're the one that knows the family....some people are very traditional, some people don't really care one way or the other, others are "hell no"

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121240632#Comment_121240632

Absolutely not.

I would not be at all impressed by a partner doing that.

Tork

If you're that long together and you never got around to getting married, it's obvious that marriage was never a high priority for you. At this stage of your lives, it's more of a formality to tidy up legal odds and ends than anything else. So why make a big deal out of it now? Why don't the pair of you just discuss what you both want and work from there? If the pair of you are as anxious as this, a quiet registry office wedding sounds like the ideal solution. Once you let the wider family get involved, weddings have a habit of getting out of hand. I know so many people whose wishes for a quiet wedding went out the window once family members got involved. I also know people who wish in hindsight that they'd just gone away somewhere or had a smaller wedding. They bring a lot of stress onto people and that's not what everyone wants.

And in answer to your latest question. Don't even think about asking her parents. I didn't think that was still a thing.

D-Lo Brown

Honestly, I can't believe I didn't come across this forum sooner. Thanks everyone for the advice. And for telling me what I wanted to hear 🤣

We have been together a long time but I just think it's a nice thing to do. I won't make a big deal of it. I'll do it at home where we are both comfortable and we will 100% be doing something small and personal

apache

Best of luck D-Lo

You sound like a very understanding guy.

pgj2015

Ask her parents if you like, at least one of my brothers in law did this and my dad was happy about it, its just a show of respect to her parents and just a formality. it definitely is old fashioned but its harmless and your partner might like the fact you did it. only you know her, not the posters on here.

D-Lo Brown

Done and dusted. No issues whatsoever and a resounding yes! Thank ye all for your replies :)

SteelyDanJalapeno

Unreal congrats

My own wife has a bit of anxiety and was worried about "the big day", we ended up getting on a plane to Rhodes and doing it there under the Acropolis at Lindos at sunset, and then went for a nice meal to celebrate, just the 2 of us.

The best thing we ever did

Goodigal

Congratulations! Wishing you both a lifetime of happiness 💞

D-Lo Brown

Tied the knot 2 weeks ago. Had an amazing day and amazing honeymoon. Best decision I ever made. Thanks for all of your advice 😀