Ashamed and looking for advice? (Nsfw)

Weekend15

Hi I've just been experiencing a lot of shame and guilt over actions I did when I was 24-26 (I'm a few years older now) and not sure how to process them.

I suffer from OCD (mostly "real event ocd") and sometimes I feel guilt that my friends would say is not deserved, but they are my friends so not sure if they are just trying to make me feel better.

I apologise this post is a bit graphic.

Basically to give the backstory I struggled with some mild erectile dysfunction at age 23-24 and because of that I felt a lot of shame and craved validation. I found these adult chat rooms where you could message, send photos or audio or video call. At least, I think that's why I got involved, I don't know for sure.

I would interact with people one on one because I felt like it validated me and I would sort of use it as an alternative to porn, as a sort of masturbation aid.

I would mostly sext with some photos but one time someone even sent me a link to an app to control their sex toy and I did that as well. I felt a lot of shame about this, and I would often only do it if I were drunk or stoned. I didn't ever think about it when I wasn't doing it and if I was considering logging on again I would feel very conflicted.

Anyway, I suppose to get to the crux of the issue: for some reason two weeks ago I suddenly got this thought "what if someone was underage and lying about being underage" (the person's age would be listed beside their username). I have been wracked with guilt and shame now and I can never prove that I haven't interacted with a minor by mistake.

I would often confirm people's ages with them but not sure I did it all the time. Although the site is moderated there would be nothing stopping someone lying about their age I suppose. I don't know why I didn't think of that before, I feel like such a selfish, horrible monster.

I have no evidence that anyone ever did lie about their age but I'm paralysed with guilt thinking that maybe I sent a photo to someone underage or even the person with the sex toy was underage. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a fraud that people don't know this about me; someone said I was kind the other day and I felt so much shame.

I feel like I need to tell my friends or anyone I'm dating so they are fully informed about me in case they don't want to associate with me. I know it's possibly my OCD making a huge issue out of something, but I'm so disgusted.

I used to feel it wasn't really me on that site: I felt so dirty and ashamed about it I didn't like to think about it after. But now I'm so ashamed that I didn't think about the possibility I was interacting with an underage person.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel like I have let myself down so much and I feel like such a nasty person.

Str8outtaWuhan

You did nothing wrong, forget about it and move on.

Weekend15

Thanks for your response I really appreciate it. I just feel like the possibility that someone lied about their age to be very distressing and it just comes with an intense emotional reaponse everytime the thought arises.

Xterminator

hi op

the issue you are brining up could be the same for any sexual encounter. Not many people check the passport/driving license of a potential partner. you take their word unless there are major red flags.

any sexual encounter your friends have had would be with the same risks. do you want to disassociate your self from all your friends just in case one had an accidental sexual encounter with someone underage?

of course not, and so your fears are based on your personal demons, rather than any factual evidence. i understand this is having an impact n your well being, and im not just saying 'get over it' . Im saying its an irrational fear with little basis in reality and more based in your psyche.

I think you shouldn't say anything to your circle of friends. i think you should find a counsellor with experience in Psychosexual Psychotherapy.

Weekend15

Hi xterminator, thank you for such a considered response I really appreciate it. I didn't think you were saying get over it at all 😊 You are right I think I would be helped through psychotherapy, it has been affecting me a lot. I think it's the fact that online I have almost nothing to go off in terms of the people involved, but that is perhaps my mind chasing the worst possible outcome

standardg60

Do you take any medication for your ocd OP? It comes across as more of an overthinking/anxiety sort of complex so maybe have a chat with your GP rather than sharing your thoughts with your friends.

I hate the phrase but if ever anything was a nothing burger it's what you are worrying about so it's more a case of fixing why you're worrying about it in the first place rather than thinking it's an issue, it isn't.

Purple Mountain

Hi op.

I would echo that you would benefit from a therapist as a matter of urgency.

We obviously can't diagnose you here but your posts read to me like anxiety filled.

I think you should book a medical appointment ASAP and get your OCD checked up on and discuss potential other diagnoses such as anxiety.

I wouldn't speak to your friends until you discuss all this in a safe space with a professional.

I have a feeling after you do this, you won't even need to speak to friends.

If you know in your heart, you weren't looking for underage encounters on purpose, then think about this..

Any adult who looks at adult porn on their laptop/phone..how do any of them know that one of those participants isn't 16? They don't.

As another poster said above..you could be out in the city one night and hook up with a lovely girl in a bar..she says she's 20, she looks 20 all dressed and made up. You honestly believe she is 20.

You take her back to your house and have sex.

Next day she admits she is 16.

Obviously you feel disgusted, angry, ashamed but if you genuinely take someone at their word, is it a crime?

I think professionals call the thoughts you are experiencing catastrophising.

It sounds exhausting.

Please reach out asap for help.

Mystery Egg

From experience of a friend who has been through something similar (it has crossed my mind you are my friend!!) this sounds very much like your OCD is heightening. In the case of my friend the OCD became a severe anxiety disorder which led to periods of psychosis. If you are feeling like you need constant reassurance on this issue you may actually need urgent psychiatric intervention to prevent it escalating further.

The issue is not the issue, if that makes sense. You've not done anything wrong or illegal, you've got an illness that means you are fixating on the possibility of having done something illegal. Get some psychiatric support ASAP and be very kind to yourself. All will be well and you will learn to let this go.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120954819#Comment_120954819

I agree 100% and since I posted, I went away to Google what NSFW meant as I didn't know.

That phrase in itself in the context of the post shows a level of paranoia at play.

Get help this week, OP.

Weekend15

Thanks very much to the last three posters - I really appreciate you taking the time to respond it has really helped me.

I thought that this could be an ocd worry but wasn't sure: the fact that this all happened a couple years ago and I'm only thinking about it now is usually a sign. So thanks very much to everyone for the responses.

Just to give the background for how the thoughts manifested: the thought just popped into my head and I googled it and found examples of underage people saying they've used chatrooms. You can sign up as a guest by just inputting a name, an age (18 or over) and confirming that you are 18 or over so very easy to lie. This made me feel like I was reckless to the age of the people I interacted with.

I've booked an appointment with my gp for tomorrow will see what she says. I feel better already as well thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

@standardg60 , after a difficult period my GP prescribed me medication about 2 years ago for 6 months and I was seeing a cbt therapist. With both I managed to reduce my OCD symptoms dramatically and did not ask for a repeat prescription as the cbt approach helped me stop rumination. This event was very sticky for me though because the stakes feel very high.

My ocd manifests in events where I believe I have done wrong and I find myself compulsively ruminating over how bad the thing is I did, whether people would think of me as a monster if they knew etc. It is very tiring unfortunately!

@Purple Mountain yes thanks very much I had absolutely zero intention to speak to an underage person at all and would've reported anyone I found out was underage! That is a helpful way of viewing things thank you!

@Mystery Egg thanks very much that's a great point, trusting that it's ocd and dealing with that is a good approach thanks! I'm sorry about your friend, ocd can be very debilitating and scary

Mystery Egg

Going to speak to your GP is an excellent idea. I would encourage you to request a psychiatric assessment via your GP referral as the longer term combined approach of a psych team may be able to help you to overcome the illness altogether rather than just dealing with this episode and then it pops up again in a few months time with a new issue that becomes the source of worry for you.

You are just brilliant and well done for minding yourself this way. OCD is a bitch and absolutely not your fault!

spaceHopper

You acted in good faith and have done nothing wrong, you've been interacting with like minded adults and even brought some happiness. So try not to worry about it. You don't need to share it with friends, family or dates.

You do need to go back to your GP or therapist and work out why this is causing you a problem, because the what isn't a problem. See you GP and also make sure you are sleeping and eating well. Lay off booz and getting stoned

Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, you did no wrong whatsoever. OCD will tell you you might possibly have unwittingly engaged in online sex with someone not appropriate, but that’s your condition which is now known to be neurologically driven. Any issues, your GP has heard it all before, can make sure you don’t have endocrine type issues (eg diabetes) etc, and if you want refer you to a sexual issues therapist, a psychiatrist specially trained in such matters. There is no reason for guilt, but I’d say one half of you knows that’s true but the OCD circular thinking keeps needing to recheck.

Weekend15

Thanks very much for the support and advice @Mystery Egg @spaceHopper and @[Deleted User] :) I'm so thankful that you've taken the time to respond - I will ask my GP about different options in terms of therapy/psychiatry as well.

Thanks so much again everyone! I felt so alone yesterday but already feeling a lot better as well thanks to all of the support. I appreciate your time and kindness

Purple Mountain

I would suggest that if these ruminating feelings come up again, before you get to speak to a professional, drop The Samaritans a call.

Mystery Egg

Honestly the Samaritans may make it worse; the volunteers may not recognise this for what it is and start talking about reporting underage abuse which, may heighten the anxiety of the OP. GP first port of call imo.

TheadoreT

To be honest I wouldn't be telling too many people about this in real life OP. You say you want to tell your friends or people you're dating? Imagine how that conversation would play out in real life. If you're telling people you fear you interacted with children sexuallly they'd run a mile. It obviously makes sense in the way you explained it in detail here with your OCD but you may not be able to articulate that as well in real life.

Therapy to better control these irrational compulsions is absolutely necessary because you've turned something completely innocuous into wanting to out yourself as a paedophile here which is self destructive to say the least.

Airyfairy12

You did absolutley nothing wrong! It sounds like you have some shame, guilt or trauma around sex and your sexuality, it would explain the erectile dysfunction and OCD around your (perfectly grand) sexual activities in the past. Sex is natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Have you ever considered going to a sex therapist about this? It might be worth exploring.