Alcoholic family member close to death

Kindred74

Hi, I have an alcoholic family member and in the last couple of months it has become clear that they will die in the not too distant future.

We've been through everything, interventions, heart to hearts, fights, they lost their job due to being drunk in work, countless hospital visits due to withdrawals or drink related issues, stealing money for drink, living in squalor, not eating, denial, begging for help then refusing it. After the last hospital visit they said their is liver damaged and there are various other health issues due to drink- it's reaching a critical point. There's nothing left that we can try, I keep waiting for rock bottom but rock bottom has come and gone. They've even lost their dole due to not being able to go to sign on. I'm not exactly sure how they are getting drink.

I know now that there's nothing left to try, I also know that I'll carry guilt for the rest of life for not being able to fix it. They are not a bad person, just completely addicted to alcohol and have fucked up everything in their lives, and put us all through hell in the process. The one thing that's disappointing is that they never truly made an effort to engage in any kind of treatment, and that's where the guilt lies. Was there an approach or something that we could have said that may have swayed things?

They look terrible now, we drop off food and water regularly. Things are amicable enough but there's a sense of inevitability now. Anyone been in a similar situation?

Big Bag of Chips

You should look in to Al-Anon for yourself. It's a group, like AA, but for the family and friends of alcoholics. There are lots of groups so you should be able to find one that suits you. It won't "fix" the drinker but it will help you realise that you are not to blame. You did not cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

What you are going through is very difficult. But in Al-Anon you will hear from others in very similar situations to you. You will learn that the guilt, the shame, the upset etc are all very normal. You might also need to look to counselling for yourself too at some point. But I strongly recommend you start with Al-Anon.

http://www.body-dynamics.net/articles/alcoholism.html

CanEmpathise

Hi Kindred74

I saw your post and just created a throwaway account to post. I can completely understand, and I am coming from the other side as a fortunately recovering alcoholic. It is a horrible situation for everybody, and sometimes I think that it is worse for friends and family as, for the alcoholic, they have a long time, sometimes their entire adult lifetime, of coming to a kind of acceptance with their situation.

I can speak for myself that when I was in the grips of alcoholism there was nothing that anybody could do to get me out of it. Absolutely nothing. There is not always a definitive rock bottom and - all of this is my opinion only - the rock bottom has to be combined with enough of a desperation to get out of alcoholism to make a difference. It's no use if the alcoholic hits rock bottom and decides to give up and stay there.

Rest assured that you haven't left anything undone, and I echo what Big Bag of Chips says re. Al Anon. There is an amazing community there, and I only really started learning what Al Anon was about when I got into AA. I've heard some powerful speakers and truly inspiring people there at conventions and meetings. I think that people in Al Anon often don't realise how difficult it has been for them until they start speaking with other people who have been in the same situation. There are also a huge number online Zoom meetings if you can't find a group nearby. Here is one place that I found - ah, I can't post the link properly, but just remove the brackets -  (www.)meetings(.)al-anon.org(/)electronic-meeting-page/

The fact that you have an amicable relationship with the person is probably the best thing that you can do for now. It is also up to you how much you can be in this person's life - but this is straying more into Al Anon territory which I am not an expert in! Mind yourself, and take comfort in the fact that you did all that you could, and even if it's not obvious, you made a difference to this person by being there and caring.

Kindred74

Thank you both for the comments. I will certainly be looking into Al-Anon.

It think "hitting rock bottom, but deciding to stay there" is what is happening here. I get angry about the lack of fight, they just won't try any kind of treatment. Surely they must know that their life is on the line now. I suppose they don't care. Sometimes I think about the way they were before, a good family that I loved a lot, with a good career and good prospects. Someone that really had their head screwed on. It was a gradual thing, they were always a big social drinker but things started to become more insidious the last 10 years. First it was going to the pub every weekend, then it was drinking in the evenings at home, then it was getting really drunk pretty often. Eventually it was drinking to avoid withdrawals. It became impossible to communicate with them in a meaningful way. I do worry that something deeply traumatic happened to them that they never felt able to share with us. It would at least make sense as to how you can throw it all away like that.

Anyway, I will be in touch with Al-Anon. Thanks again.

Bobtheman

I would advocate the sinclair method.

It's what they use in Finland.

https://youtu.be/DkG_Y_g0_co?feature=shared

It's not really used here in Ireland because nothing in it for rehab industry

Plus naltraxone out of patent so the drug company doesn't care.

AA doesn't publish statistics but they say its success rate is as low as 12%

This is a method not a business.

Goggle sinclair method Uk

It might be too late for your family member but not others

The sinclair method has a success rate of 78%

Throwaway23

Hi Kindred74,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I lost a close family member in similar circumstances last year and I could have written your post virtually word for word. They had been warned by the doctors, went into some sort of denial and ultimately the drink won the battle. They were mentally struggling for many years and we take solace in the fact that they are at peace now. You can only do so much and it sounds like you are doing everything you can. You are not responsible and cannot change their life for them. Please go speak to your GP, they may be able to ease your mind a little. I spoke to my family member's GP before and after and it did help. I do regret the things they never got to do but at least their pain has ended. I wish you well.

ghostfacekilla

Sorry to hear of the tragic situation. As a sober alcoholic in recovery for the guts of a decade, I know of many family members and friends of active alcoholics who have found great solace and tools which help to 'detach with love' in Al-Anon. It might be worth a trip. Wishing you strength.

Strumms

Funny how drug addicts even though they are in effect serious criminals who support organised crime and enable that mayhem get tens of millions thrown at them per year in necessary help…….

yet anyone who develops an alcohol issue… it’s a lottery in fact the shortage of effective alcohol rehab services in Ireland has been defined as chronic.

it sounds like you are doing all you can. But your effort has to be matched by the person with the problem…..

CamillaRhodes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121061553#Comment_121061553

Hi Kindred74 and Throwaway23. I also was in the same boat; my family member ultimately passed away. It was horrendous, and I also felt huge guilt both for not saving them and for (I'm struggling even to type this) admitting that I was also a bit relieved. My son was a baby when my father died, and I knew his alcoholism and depression and all sh** that f****d me up as a child would now not come into my son's life. And though I was and am broken-hearted that he wouldn't know his grandad, I was and am relieved that he won't know his alcoholism.

I have no easy answers for you guys. Get some counselling. I've done multiple bouts over the years. Al-Anon wasn't the right fit for me, but I found a therapist who was. I have gradually managed to ease the feelings of guilt and forgive myself, and let go also of some of the anger and sadness. At the same time, I think it will always be with me.

You guys know in your heart of hearts: there's nothing you could do. When the addiction grip is that great, no outside intervention can break it. The person has to truly want help, and this horrible addiction takes away that desire.

I sometimes wish I was religious so I could believe they've gone to a better place. What I do know for sure is that their life was incredibly unhappy, and wanting someone to remain sick and unhappy just so they remain alive doesn't seem fair. But damn, this stuff is so hard. Sending a big virtual hug.

I haven’t seen this personally in my family, thank goodness, although I know there have been ancestors & more distant family members with alcoholism. Up to a couple of years ago the nearest I saw to alcoholism were drunk people on the street, documentaries on television, reading biographical accounts. Then I saw it close up in somebody I know and it is an extremely difficult disease, so characterised by changeability of personality & a million self-contradictions, bouncing from admission to absolutely denial. Lies come easily as a way of protecting the ego. Brain damage occurs due to malabsorption of Thiamine, but still the person refuses to correlate the two even though told by doctors. To acknowledge that would be to acknowledge self-destruction, and that is beyond what an afflicted person can countenance. Addiction just overwhelms the individual and quite frankly what seems to be on offer as supports is not always effective. I do believe pharmacological solutions would trump psychological ones from a starting point.

I have read that a newer Parkinsons drug used off-label has proven to be the effective thing yet in curbing desire for alcohol due to its positive effect on dopamine availability to the body. It is still in the research stage though. Seeing so many people in society self-destruct really should be stimulus enough for medicine to be working a lot harder in serving the people and families affected.