Online romance, over. Should I break off all comms?

onlineromance

Hi, firstly I will say I feel a bit silly writing this, especially at my age, but will do anyway.

So, I'm a guy in my 50's and back in the first lockdown, March 2020 I think, one evening, with some wine consumed, I wrote to a very attractive young woman in her mid 20's who lived in another continent. I didn't expect a reply, of if I did get one a bit of chit chat for the night at best.

But what happened is that we ended up having an online relationship that lasted about 6 months. We video chatted for hours most days (and did a bit more) and got to know each other very well and all about our families etc. I mentioned she was attractive, but what I found was she was even more so on the inside, she was the kindest, most understanding and wise beyond her years person you could meet. I mean really amazing. And just to address what some may think, as I would, she never asked for money or had a hard luck story like some family member needing an operation, as you hear about.

So, after 6 months we both agreed (I first suggested it) that we should cool things and look for people in the real world, at this time travel was still not possible and no end in sight. In any case she was half my age. So we fell apart but still stayed in contact. The last time we spoke was last NYE, I texted her happy new year, expecting to get a reply the next day, but a minute later she rang, so still keen to talk. Just one or two texts since initiated by her.

Her life is going great, been headhunted twice for new jobs, has a relationship. Mine is going downhill (not looking to discuss that) and I feel I'll drag her down if I text, so I have not.

Thing is it's her birthday very soon and I usually wish her a happy birthday. I'm thinking of not doing so this time, which will kinda make it official that things have ended. Even in the last 2 years every time we spoke she made it very clear that she is always there for me, so on one hand I feel ending things may hurt her, but on the other hand it's best for her.

I'm 99% leaning towards not texting this time, but just want to double check here first!

Thanks!

CramCycle

What's the harm, so long as you are not hanging your hook on her, and its just friendly. Keep pursuing things here in the real world and if she ever finds herself single again she might text you with an intent to be more than just friends. If she doesn't, you still have one more friend than if you didn't. This said if you are texting her with only one thought in mind and the belief it will happen, for your own sake, don't. If you genuinely believe it is just friendly (with the opportunity to be more if you both are in the same position), then I can't see the harm. Don't drag her down with your text, just give good wishes, nothing else.

YellowLead

I think you should leave it in the past. An online relationship is not a real one, and while it was a source of comfort during a lonely lockdown for you both, it hasn’t translated to reality. Focus on real world connections - you can still connect online but best with people who live here and maybe a little closer to your own age that you can actually meet in person before false intimacies are built up.

Caranica

You need to file this away in the "over" file and not contact her again. Delete her contact information. She's moving on with her life, you need to do the same.

onlineromance

Thanks for the replies. I'm happy that I'm making the right decision not to contact her again.

JoChervil

She is moving on but is she happy?

OP you need to figure out few things first. Why does age difference matter? Do you think she would like kids and you won't? Or maybe she doesn't want to have kids. Do you think any of you would be ready to move permanently?

Also one more thing to consider. Ok, she doesn't want money from you, but are you sure she wouldn't benefit in any other way, if she married you in future, like getting Irish visa?

You won't know it before discussing such things with her first. The biggest regret in life people have because of not following their hearts desire. It is better to check things, be open about everything and then decide. Of course it is a big risk of rejection as well, but this is much better than the question what if... But only have such discussion, if you are ready for all eventualities.

But you might not be in a position to have an honest talk with her because of your personal circumstances. In such a case you need to fully focus on them and solve them first.

So, do some soul searching. You broke over 2 years ago, why do you have the need to end it definitely now? Are you sure you don't want to "kick" her because someone "kicked" you? Or maybe you want to double down your current unhappiness? People's lives are very complicated. Therefore I don't think you will find your answers here.

Only you know or can find the answers to the above questions. If you come to a conclusion that it is better to stay separate, so leave her alone and don't text her anymore.

But don't do it "for her". She is an adult and deserves to have her say...

road_high

Delete all contacts and go no contact. Do not reach out. Focus your energy on your own life and getting back on track

marilynrr

@JoChervil

I'm curious if you would be giving that advice in real life to a man in his 50s about a woman in her 20s? or if you would encourage a woman in her 20s to go for it with a man in his 50s? because the vast majority of people wouldn't.

But don't do it "for her". She is an adult and deserves to have her say...

Do what? The online relationship ended 2 years ago. The OP didn't say that she resisted the ending in any way. She would have had her say when they ended the relationship. They last spoke at new year. As you said, she's an adult, but yet she hasn't been in contact in the meantime so there's nothing for the OP to end and give her a say in. If she notices the absence of the birthday message and wants to speak to him then as you said, she's an adult and can have her say. No one is stopping her.

I feel like your post is the exact thing a person who is ready or almost ready to give up on a fantasy shouldn't be told because then they can stay stuck for a lot longer.

@onlineromance

You're doing the right thing. As previous posters have said focus your energy on getting yourself back on track and on building real world connections.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120863538#Comment_120863538

You are right, if she is 21-22, so no, but if she is 28-29, so the story would be different. If she was mid 20 in 2020, so now very likely is 27-29. And it was OP, who asked for opinions, not her.

I am against doing anything for other people for THEIR happiness one-sidedly. Why someone should decide what is good for someone else without consulting them first in that matter?

My advice was more about doing things consciously. If you want to hurt someone do it with your eyes wide open and don't remove guilt by saying you are doing it for them.

Anyway, if any harm was done, it was done in the first 6 months of this relation...

marilynrr

@JoChervil

The story wouldn't be that different even if she was late 20s, most people wouldn't encourage it, and either way it ended 2 years ago and she's now in a relationship.

I am against doing anything for other people for THEIR happiness one-sidedly. Why someone should decide what is good for someone else without consulting them first in that matter?

I don't completely agree with that, because I think sometimes when there's a large age gap/life experience gap etc. then the right thing to do is end it for the other persons sake.

In the OPs case he suggested cooling it and looking for people in the real world and they both agreed. He never said that she resisted. She had a chance to have her say. There's nothing left to consult her on. He last messaged her over 6 months ago. It's my birthday soon and I could guess the men from my past that are going to message me. I wouldn't expect to be consulted if they decided to cut the final cord and not message this year.

If you want to hurt someone do it with your eyes wide open and don't remove guilt by saying you are doing it for them.

I don't think there's anything to suggest that he wants to hurt her. Maybe he wants to see if she notices or cares, which is a perfectly normal thing to feel when you're cutting ties with someone you have spent a lot of time talking to/thinking about etc. It can bring up conflicting emotions.

onlineromance

Sorry for my late reply, I didn't expect any more replies.

Thanks @JoChervil and @marilynrr for your detailed replies, I'm not going to get involved in this, apart to say I most certainly am not trying to 'kick' or hurt her in any way.