Saw something on phone.

Cadyboo

Hi all, quick background. Seeing a man for a 2 years, we broke up for a few months and got back together. Very happy since we did 7 months ago.

Last week when we were out i asked to borrow his phone to google something. I was looking for the google app and noticed an app, but didnt pay much attention.

Today i met my friend and she was talking about a guy she met online and went to the app. I think its the the same symbol. Its hinge. I was never on it so i didnt know.

Now im torn as wont see him for a few days, and want to confront him in person. But im also not 100 percent sure thats what i saw. I would never even consider he would be on apps as we spend almost all our free time together. I dont want it to be a thing where i want to look through his phone, but i have an ache in my tummy thinking that it is hinge.

What should i do please?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Make an account on Hinge (with fake details) and search for him.

oceanman

i would let it go, otherwise it shows you dont trust him....and if thats the case the relationship wont work anyway.

Nothing.

He may have had dating apps on his phone and used them during the time when you were broken up, and he just hasn't deleted them.

There is nothing to say he is actively using them now. You have nothing to confront him over. You're not even sure of what you saw.

You could end up creating a problem where there isn't one.

But you do need to ask yourself - why don't you trust him?

Cadyboo

I have no reason not to trust. But im not used to the dating apps/ disposable people. So from hearing friends dating experiences im afraid i am being naive.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120839263#Comment_120839263

What does disposable people mean?

Cadyboo

Grass is always greener. Swipe for the next person if unhappy with this one. Im sorry of that comes across wrong, but i feel its the way it is now.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120839337#Comment_120839337

Dunno about that I can think of 6 couples who are married/long term relationships from dating apps, including 2 of my brothers. Perfectly reasonable way to meet people.

to the point though, no I wouldn't say anything, especially when you don't even know what it was

Cadyboo

I absolutely love hearing this. I know of 2 friends who went the same route, but many others have only bad experiences. So thats my fear.

Thank you for your reply. Ill wait and see what happens i think. No point rocking the boat as i am unsure.

YellowLead

Lots of people don’t delete dating apps after they get with somebody. I have loads of apps on my phone I don’t use and only think to do a clear out if storage gets full. So the fact he has it doesn’t mean anything. Why not borrow his phone again though and if you see it, just mention it in the moment? Doesn’t have to be in an accusatory way. Something like oh I have a few friends on that, did you find it any good? Did you discuss if you were both single during the break up, if not it could be a way to talk about it also.

Galaxy00

I would just ask again oh can I search Google on your phone etc, then check the app he has. Unfortunately we can't trust people 100%, better safe than sorry

OP, you need to step cautiously here.

If he figures out you're making excuses to ask for his phone just so you can have a snoop on what apps he has on it, he may not take that well.

The fact that he handed you his phone without hesitation when you asked to borrow it, should indicate he is not hiding anything.

Virgil°

Just to add.

About 3 months into my current relationship of a year while looking for spotify on my app page I accidentally fat fingered and subsequently opened the Tinder app in front of her like a fookin eejit. I had silenced the app as it constantly tries to bait you back into using it with semi regular notifications and I had well decided by that point this girl was getting my full attention. I'd honestly completely forgotten it was there.

She could see how sheepish and embarrassed I was so she let me off the hook. Although she still brings it up regularly in jest to mess with me. 😒

If your boyfriend hasn't been acting strange and hasn't been secretive with his phone then he's either the least effective adulterer on the island or , well a bunch of other possibilities that don't include cheating....

You could bring it up earnestly. Say something like "Hey I thought i saw a dating app installed on your phone the other day when you handed it to me." Then see how he reacts. You know him best so only you can say for sure if you think his answer satisfies. Other than that I don't see a way to do this without wrecking the trust.

I would definitely not be plotting some half baked scheme to catch him out. Chances are excellent that'll backfire on you.

89897

If you've no reason to feel anything is off and the fact he handed over so easily then just ask him in a non accusatory way. Like 'I spotted something on your phone when you gave me it, im assuming its old but just wanted to put my mind at ease' if hes nothing to hide then its an easy conversation.

Dont play games or concoct plans to catch him thats not going to help the relationship.

amdublin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120839730#Comment_120839730

This

The last sentence

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120842424#Comment_120842424

Agreed.

OP this brings me back to my last relationship.

My ex was very secretive with his phone to a ridiculous level. He would keep his phone obsessively in his hand, take it to the bathroom/shower/whenever leaving me… even if it was from the sofa to the kitchen in an open plan. And always had his phone facing down but on loud and it would always be binging away. Funnily enough, I never asked or tried to look at his phone but his obsessive behaviour made me suspicious.

i knew it was suss but had no evidence. Until he slipped up. We were on holidays, lost signal temporarily, he tried to access maps and was showing me and lo and behold - dating app notifications were binging away.

The fact this guy handed you over his phone without thinking or stalling/ being defensive etc - That suggests he has nothing to hide and may honestly have forgotten to delete them.

My ex was a walking red flag. I never once (bar the time he had his guard down with the maps) seen his phone facing up. Anything we wanted to do as a couple, it was always my phone we looked at because he never took his out in a natural movement during conversation. He was keeping it out of sight for a very good reason.

you need to ask yourself do you know your BF well enough and do you trust him ?

what does your gut tell you?

just have an honest conversation and see where his head is at. Better off just being straight about it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120840643#Comment_120840643

This ^^^

JoChervil

Never ever use something what was done in a good faith for you against that person. He lent you his phone, if you saw something troubling you there, it’s your problem. Just suck it up.

I find it weird anyway to borrow someone’s phone. For me it’s too personal item. And there is no need for it. Everyone has their own.

You trust that your man is not on apps because you “spend almost all your free time together”. It’s rather unhealthy. You need your own free time to give space to each other, to let free air into a relationship and bring new experiences into it.

I feel that you have almost full control over his free time, now you would like to have full control over his phone. His phone is none of your business. Everyone has a right to some privacy. I know that some people have that need for merging fully with their partner, but in my opinion it is very unhealthy. But if you both like it, so it might work. The question is if your man is like you.

Just think about what was a reason for your earlier breakup: your distrust in him, him giving you reasons for not trusting him, your controlling behaviour, your suffocating behaviour coming from insecurities? Because it might be in play here rising its head again.

If you don’t trust him, it won’t work. The reason might be him or you. You need to investigate it first.

Kurn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120885597#Comment_120885597

I would say that this is terrible advice and makes wild sweeping assumptions. Please ignore OP.

It is most likely he forgot the app was there, there is no harm in mentioning it to him so you are both on the same page.

Edit: To add, I would not randomly mention it unless there is context. I would suggest as others have that it be part of a greater discussion on exclusivity and that you are both on the same page :) Good luck OP.

Oscar_Madison

I’m not mad on the idea of saying “hey I saw that app on your phone the other day”- I just don’t think it will end well- and that’s not good if he’s done nothing wrong.

As the relationship appears to be going strong I’d simply keep going- I presume you’ve had some form of “we’ve stopped dating other people” conversation or agreement assuming you met on a dating site to begin with?

If he’s not mysteriously missing from time to time or hiding his messages or calls or his phone then there’s no indication anything is amiss - concentrate on discussing how the relationship is going and how he feels about you etc if you wish- that’s a perfectly reasonable conversation to have- if dating apps comes up in that conversation maybe mention it then- but I really wouldn’t start with that as a conversation opener- I don’t think you’ll come out looking well

Sunny Disposition

I think an honest conversation would have cleared it up very fast. No one would blame you for finding it odd that he had a dating app when he has been in a relationship for some time. It’s totally reasonable to ask him about it, and it’s very likely here is an innocent explanation.

But not bringing it up immediately has created a problem. If you haven’t done so already and are still concerned then ask him about it as gently as possible, but be sure to do it.

GerardKeating

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120839263#Comment_120839263

I have apps on my phone I don't use any more. I get a daily email from eBay, tell me of all the "Thomas The Tank Engine" parts availbe for sale, but not bought anything like that in a decade, boys have grown out of them.

I just checked my phone, counting the apps i don't use (or have never used) and gave up at ten...

HildaOgdenx

Mod - As the OP has not returned to the thread for some time, I will close it off at this point.

Thanks all who offered advice.

OP, if you want the thread reopened in the future drop a PM to me or any of the PI mods.

Hilda