Guilt having only child

i81b4u

Hi, 

I’m here looking for reassurance I suppose, maybe how anyone else has dealt with this…

My wife and I have an amazing seven year old daughter. She’s an only child, for various reasons things have just turned out this way.

The first few years were the usual busy years and top that with Covid, and suddenly we find ourselves in this position. My daughter is very aware that she is an only child and it seems to be something she’s thinking about a lot these days.

I’m racked with guilt about this, it’s something that I think about daily and makes me sad and worry for her future etc.

does anyone have experience being an only child or having an only child? Are there things that I could focus on or be aware of?

thanks for your help.

iniscealtra

There are some things in life that you have no control over. It’s important to understand that and for her to understand that. Such is life, Gratitude is key also. Remind yourself and your child that you’re very lucky people to have what you do.

Work on relationships with others through sports and activities. Cultivate her interests. She’ll meet plenty of kids that way. Get out of the house on Saturdays. Go for a swim / horse riding / walk in the woods / beach / match/ bake/ visit. You’re way more mobile with one child. Enjoy it.

Investigate groups. A friend of mine is helping with the hurling training. Child is 5. Music is also great. Maybe you’ve got a potential banjo/fiddle musician there. Trad is great as it all session based. Loads of festivals to go to in summer with classes and playing music with other kids once they’re up and running. What are you into yourself? A shared interest is great.

It might be useful in the mornings to remind her and yourself what you are grateful for.

taxAHcruel

I would add that children very often go through phrases of noticing anything different in their lives compared to some or all their peers. So if she was not an only child then the "something she has been thinking a lot about these days" would be how loads of her friends have a dog and she doesn't. Or a Smart Phone. Or who has more friends than her. Or why everyone is good at sports and she is not. Or or or or or. It's a natural phase to notice what makes you different from some/all of your peers and perhaps even obsess over it for a time.

It is a good chance now to foster good communication with your child. Encourage her to talk about it when she does. Do not try to "correct" or "Fix" anything she says. If she says something like "it makes me feel so sad and lonely" our instinct is to correct or fix this by saying things like "But you've got us" or "But since you've no siblings you get all our time and attention and money and presents" or "plenty of other children have much more lonlinless cause they have only one parent" or "Lonely? Ok lets go but 10 dogs!" or or or. Your instinct will be try to say or do things to either change her thinking or reassure her thinking to make her suffer less.

But instead allow her to know her feelings are valid and are all hers and thats ok. Ask her how she wants to go through life with those feelings or what she thinks she can or will do when such feelings come up and so on. If she genuinely asks you for ideas by all means offer some. But just resist that first urge to "Fix" it that we all get instantly as parents.

Just allow her to feel her feelings, to openly express them, ask questions and engage so she knows you are actively listening and taking it in. If she seems to have trouble naming or identifying any feelings then help with that. Try also asking questions about what she thinks the pros and cons of being an only child are without outright telling her your ideas of it. See what she comes up with for both. It might inform your decisions going forward on how to do things in her life to mediate the negatives she perceives.

You ask what to focus on or be aware of:

1) One thing that can go wrong if you are feeling guilt about this - is over compensating. There is nothing to feel guilty for. There are any number of plenty of one child families. It is very common. But if you allow guilt to affect you you might start over compensating in some way such as spoiling the child with too many gifts or allowances or lack of discipline or rules. Some parents of only children can go the way of being extremely over protective - or the way of putting too much expectation on the child. So you should explore your guilt yourself and ensure it is not affecting your decisions and actions and expectations as a parent one way or another. Ensure you maintain a balance.

2) As the user above already covered, you can ensure your child is socializing adequately in life. Ensure they get quality time with you the parents and with other children. Of course this goes just as important for families with multiple children. But it just becomes slightly more important when an only child does not have the "Live in" peer/playmate for this naturally.

3) Single children will have exclusive/high access to you as parents. So work to also foster her independence in balance with the quality time you get with her. Strive to maintain a balance between providing individual attention and promoting their independence. Set aside quality time for bonding and engaging in activities together. But not so much of it that she becomes over reliant.

There are also a litany of books written for her age specifically written/designed for only children. Though with books like that I tend to always advise reading them yourself before giving them to your child - just in case the author has some hidden agenda like "Only child? Well why not find GOD!" or some such. Research some titles on Google - have a quick read of some of them if you can in the book shops or just buy them - read them yourself first - and give on to her the ones that please you.

Finally consider identifying all the other children in your school/area that are only children and have a chat with the parents. Tell them you are getting to "that stage" in development where having an only child is becoming a thing - and ask them if they are mulling over it like you are too. See what feedback and such they give you. It can be a little shy making at first to walk up to some parents and say "Hey I notice you have an only child - I just wanted to ask quickly how thats going for you because so we do - and we are just getting to the age where it's becoming a "thing" in her head - so maybe you can tell me what bumps in the road, or genius ideas you have hit so far along the way" but you'll find it gets easier.

Consider doing what some friends of mine did then which is incorporating each other into some monthly/weekly routine. What they decided to do for example is have one dinner in each week where they go to the house of the other - then after the dinner the parents go off to the patio/kitchen table - and the kids are sent off to do kids things. Maybe even with a sleep over if time / housing allows.

So basically what they are doing is simulating a family with children/siblings environment once a week (in alternating houses in their case but can be in just one house). It also gives one night a week where the mundane chore of cooking dinner is alleviated for some. And that entire night is geared towards doing as much family/sibling type stuff as possible. So getting the kids into the cooking / preparing as much as possible. Or even starting as early as the supermarket to buy stuff together as if they were in the same family. Then getting down to playing board games or whatever after dinner (preferably things that foster mutual support and play and cooperation and empathy as possible - I actually recommend co-op board games for this where players are playing together against the board rather than against each other such as Castle Panic or Jigsaws and the like).

These friends found it gave the kids a once weekly simulation of living as if with siblings. It gave the parents the chance to periodically discuss the progress of their "only child" and their concerns and ups and downs and ideas. And it increased the socialisation of the kids in ways similar to as if they had a sibling in the house. So it seemed to work for everyone. So it may or may not be a thing for you.

Xterminator

Hi OP

There are advantages and disadvantages to being an only child. your child will benefit from the advantages and will have to cope with the disadvantages.

you say you are wracked with guilt, sad and worried. Why do you feel this way? Do you feel guilty about the advantages too? There is a natural balance here. But i wonder is your mindset coming at this from a balanced point of view or are you overly focused on the negatives? Are you aware that something like 42% of households in the developed world now have 1 child. That this has advantages to environment too etc.

your job would be to equip your child with skills to deal with growing up as an only child. To mitigate any disadvantages by making sure you child gets plenty of social interactions with other young children, and built their sense of independence while accentuating the positive side of growing up without siblings. By building a good relationship with and access to both parents, good educational opportunities and future prospects.

part of this would be ensuring your child sees the positives too. That they don't see it as entirely negative. Because if you think that way you can be sure this mindset will be picked up.

https://parentspluskids.com/blog/pros-and-cons-1-child - some good points here,

YellowLead

I have an only child, now 19. He’s always been happy to be an only child because he’s seen friends fighting and having to share x box’s etc with siblings. He’s extremely close to family and extended family, plus I’ve never seen anyone with more friends - that’s all crèches, housing estate etc from a young age.

One situation isn’t better than another - being a good parent isn’t about providing siblings, some end up hating each other. Being a good parent is loving your child and teaching them to be confident good people.

ElizaBennett

I think it's understandable that you have feelings of guilt, after all, pretty much every parent does. About all sorts of things. The good ones anyway who are self aware. I think it's wrong of people to tell you you're wrong to feel guilty. You're allowed your feelings. As I get older and see the parents of contemporaries get old and need care and die, and only children then being completely alone and having to deal with funerals etc, I think about the consequences of only having one child. It's not something to dismiss out of hand. But then there's the issue of control. If you have no control or choice then you have to own the situation and come to terms with it. But it doesn't mean you'll never worry or feel guilty. Just like the parent who worries they had too many, or age gap too big, or only boys etc etc. It's a tough part of life. But you're thinking deeply and self aware so you'll be on top of any possible consequences and doing your best.

I grew up an only child and it does have an emotional/social legacy, but there are the good aspects. I always have to remember that had I siblings I might not have got in with them, I’ve seen it in other families and I think I would rather be a single child than one who had a bad relationship with a sibling.

My parents had me late, they lost their first child to influenza, a baby boy. My Dad tended to be hyper protective of me, always afraid a disaster would happen me, that should be avoided. Ironically he was very enthusiastic when I took up flying aircraft as a hobby, my poor mother frantic with worry but avoiding showing me how worried she was!

My Dad died due to accumulation of strokes aged 79, from his smoking habit, Mum lived on to 89 and I used to bring her on great holiday trips in her last decade, right up to the end. She didn’t ask for this but I saw how much joy she got going away so it was a real pleasure bringing her places. She was very strategic in making the circumstances of her older years as non-stressful as possible for me. She pre-arranged and paid for her and my father’s funerals, she arranged enduring power of attorney for me “in case I lose my marbles and become difficult on you”, and she transferred all her assets to me way ahead of her death, selling the family home, giving me the proceeds and joining me to live in a newly purchased apartment. She said that way the state couldn’t get the house in case she had to go into a nursing home as per Fair Deal scheme. “They can’t take what I haven’t got”. And not a drop of Cavan blood in her!

Neyite

I've an only child, and used to feel that guilt a lot. Then someone close to us died in his 70s who was also an only child and the funeral was the biggest the townland had ever seen, with grown adult men heartbroken at their beloved friend's passing. He was an only but I doubt he ever had a lonely moment in his life. He was involved in his local community, local sports, would help out anyone, and the turn out for his funeral showed that. Strangely enough, this comforted me a lot.

I've made a huge effort to facilitate my own son being able to build a good stock of friends with sleepovers, play dates, offers to help with childcare, and as many hobbies as my son is interested in. Where we live, it's the kind of place where multiple generations of families still live so there's a good chance that when he's an adult, many of his school friends will be living on family land nearby so he'll be able to maintain those friendships if he wants to stay here, and he's really good friends with his cousins. His local aunt and uncle would have him if anything ever happened to us and raise him like their own (they already do treat him like one of their own anyway) so that's a reassurance too. He's already popular and fairly outgoing but he does like having his own space at times too. I know he would love to have a brother but he does see his cousins scrapping and knows that having siblings can have it's downside.

Wheety

I feel like this too. We have a wonderful 3 year old girl but I would love to have one more. We were pregnant last year but had a miscarriage with complications. We're trying again but we're both in our 40s now. If it happens it'll be great. But I think we're accepting it may not.

Bobtheman

I have an only daughter. She is fine.

Your reasons are well thought out im sure.

The world doesn't need more people. Kids can be a nightmare. This is rarely acknowledged

Most siblings fight and a lot of them never talk once adults.

You are over thinking.

If your child is old enough explain the reasons you had.

Str8outtaWuhan

Non constructive breach of charter 'advice' deleted and warning applied.

blackbox

How can you feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong.

Just continue to do your best for the child.

kheb

My wife and I are both only children. We are both quite shy people and we attribute that to being only children. Our parents were loving but very controlling and old fashioned. I don’t think being an only child nowadays is as much an issue as long as you are good parents and encourage confidence in your child.

kirk.

It's just regret

You should feel guilty if you did something wrong but you didnt

Dial Hard

A friend of mine is an only child, as is her partner. Their kids have no aunts, uncles or cousins, which I find a little sad. I come from a large-ish family and we holiday together, do big family dinners, have the laugh in our WhatsApp groups etc. I realise that's not for everyone but it's what I know and love. Even if I do have the odd whinge about the expense of having 9 niblings!

BrianD3

I'm not an only child but due to family circumstances I effectively grew up like one and in any case my only sibling is now deceased. Also I know some only children and have a couple of cousins in the UK who are only children. IMO there are financial upsides but can be serious social downsides. Someone without siblings (and as a result, no nieces and nephews) needs to work hard on building up useful skills for self reliance and also building a network as at some stage, no matter how self reliant they are, they will need other people. Something as trivial as getting a tradesman to do a job can be an issue, if you have siblings one of them probably knows someone or engaged someone, as an only child you are much more likely to have to find a stranger and you won't have a clue if they are any good or not. Therefore, the only child needs to develop ad maintain friendships with a wide range of people, starting in primary school. How this is done I don't know as I didn't do it.

ted1

You are saving the environment. The world is over populated

Moonbeam

I am also an only child and hated every second of it ,it was super lonely and I did most things on my own and sometimes still do but it was not my parents fault that I was an only child, I was adopted and they split up when I was 4/5.

I have 4,they all entertain each other but if I only had 1 then we could afford to give them alot more and we wouldn't need a big house,could go on family trips in a normal car and I would never have given up work and completely lost my career

I have friends that were only children and would not change it for the world, do your best job at parenting and there are no regrets:)

lbj666

Only child here, have some of the usual traits with social skills etc. but i wont get into it.

The worst over the years has been not moving abroad out of plain guilt that it would break my folks hearts. You also have no sense of what the right boundarys to have with them because you have no siblings as a reference, You have no idea if you are being fair and unreasonable a lot of the time. Being the only one to look after them or entertain them as they get older is beyond difficult too and having to move back closer to home dropping many of your own hope ambitions etc.

Worst of all is the resentment this leads to no matter how well they have looked after me growing up or what they plan to leave for me when they go.

Anyone jokes about being spoilt to me gets pointed out all the above and the smile goes away pretty quick.

Hyperbollix

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121292934#Comment_121292934

Yep, that's a good observation. Everyone focuses on the pros and cons of being an only child at the start of life but few talk about what it's like at the other end, when that child has sole responsibility for elderly parents.

I'm an only child and while I'd love to go travelling for a year or possibly even move abroad permanently, it's just not an option as my mother would be left alone but for nieces and nephews who have their own busy lives. She's not a very social person and beyond the odd coffee morning she keeps herself to herself. My Dad passed away a few years back so it would be a killer to her.

I contrast that with the situation cousins of mine find themselves in. They can share the load easily between them. When one is away for a week or two the other takes up the slack. One is a nomadic type and if they ever decided to emigrate, their sibling (a homebird) would be there to look after their parents.

It's like anything else in life, many hands make light work. You can have all the friends in the world but there some things you simply can't ask friends to do, you need family.

marilynrr

It's not unusual for the responsibility to care for elderly parents to fall on one sibling, there is no guarantee that many hands will make light work, I have seen plenty of threads over the years with people in that situation with no help from siblings.

board silly

try not to worry too much OP. we've been down that road, especially when coming out of covid

our now 6 year old daughter has a half sister in her late 20s who lives in her own place, so our girl is effectively an only child.

it has never really been an issue tbh.... we make sure there are playdates with some of her schoolmates at the weekends. then there's school, art classes and swimming lessons. we have a happy little girl, so we must be something doing right.

65535

If it were me I'd adopt another - Personally waiting to free up space in the house to possibly foster